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Original poster

Are you in love with your partner? And is it essential to in love to have a successful relationship?

43 replies

emkana · 02/04/2008 23:01

Following on from another thread and from a post by Anna888, who thinks being in love is crucial for a successful relationship.

I am really surprised by this, but maybe it depends how you define in love? I wouldn't say I'm in love with my dh, but I do love him and respect him and trust him. Isn't the "in love" feeling something fleeting anyway?

OP posts:
CarGirl · 02/04/2008 23:03

I'd say the fleeting thing is the infatuation, being "in love" is something different

McDreamy · 02/04/2008 23:04

What is the difference between being in love and loving someone. I love my mum/dad/brothers but I feel something more/different for my DH IYSWIM but not sure that equates to being in love, and then there is the being in lust........is that the fleeting bit?

VeniVidiVickiQV · 02/04/2008 23:05

I'm utterly in love and it's working out pretty well for us, 13 years down the line. I feel like we are getting stronger and closer every day.

I dont think its a necessarily fleeting thing.

It doesnt mean that you have to be "in love" for it to succeed. As long as you get along, want the same things and respect each other I suppose.

Maidamess · 02/04/2008 23:06

I do not love my dh a lot of the time, but we co exist quite nicely as a couple.

I wouldn't trade him in for anyone else (yes yes, I'm quite the romantic, I know) but we are comfortable and cosy with each other and occasionally get that honey moon feeling back again,albeit fleetingly!

Prufrock · 02/04/2008 23:06

I think I'm in love with my dh sporadically. At teh moment I am (ie, he makes me go weak at the knees sometimes, I'm smiling now that I'm thinking about him) but I know that over the past 5 years the general business of life, pregnancies, depression, young kids, has left me no time to be "in love" , but we both remebered that we were once enough to allow us to work our way through that.

Maidamess · 02/04/2008 23:07

Actually i do love him, that sounded mean.

What I meant to say was, i don't like him a lot of the time!

zippitippitoes · 02/04/2008 23:07

my exh told me he loved me last year when my dp left me

he said i love you and i always will but im not in love with you

i was rather phased by this

as i left him in 1999

i dont understand what it means

noddyholder · 02/04/2008 23:09

I agree with VVV it isn't a fleeting thing and does deepen and keep getting better ime.I have also been in a relationship where i did love him but wasn't in love with him and so we parted ways.I think if it is without this it can still mlast but not sure i would enjoy it

littlewoman · 02/04/2008 23:09

This opens up a whole 'what is love' can of worms
I wouldn't say I am in love with my partner. The physical attraction to him is not involuntary and overpowering, like I believe the 'in love' feeling is. But because he is such a sweetheart, I do love him and find him attractive. If he had another personality, I wouldn't find him that attractive, IYSWIM.
So, I don't think you have to be in love for a successful relationship.

fletchaaarr · 02/04/2008 23:11

An interesting thing that I once heard is this....

"you are not in love with a person, you are in love with how they make you feel"

ie - if they make you feel good and wanted etc

I am not sure how accurate this is, but it kind of makes sense.

unknownrebelbang · 02/04/2008 23:13

I'm deeply in love with my husband. We've been married for 20 years this year, it's not always been a bed of roses, but at no point have I ever felt that I'm not in love with him.

Our life is pretty mundane, but I still occasionally feel a shiver or a quiver at the thought of him or when I glance at him.

fletchaaarr · 02/04/2008 23:19

And I should say that I am still in love with him. We have been together 11 years. I still fancy him too

littlelapin · 02/04/2008 23:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LarryVeestAdamAntSpawnChorus · 02/04/2008 23:21

I'm in love with DH (together 13 years).

For us, I think it's the illogical, inexplicable 'in love' thing that keeps us together through all the tough patches. I'm not usually religious or other-worldly, but it's like our souls are meant to be together.

Original poster
emkana · 02/04/2008 23:24

This is going to be one of those threads that I'll wish I hadn't started innit?

Lots and lots of posters who are very much in love after sooooooooooooo many years... [big sigh]

OP posts:
zippitippitoes · 02/04/2008 23:26

im not emkana

at least if i was it certainly isnt reciprocated and i dont have a partner

littlewoman · 02/04/2008 23:26

I've been 'in love' with both my xh's and parted ways, but my natural inclination is to pick bad boys. Cos this one is so nice, I feeling something is missing (like the angst ) but I feel a lot more stable in this relationship than when I was 'in love'. I was unhappy both times then.

Pinkchampagne · 02/04/2008 23:27

I am in love with my new partner in a way I have never been in love before. (not sure I have been really "in love" before tbh) Hope it stays that way!

madamez · 02/04/2008 23:30

Not sure how reliable they are but I think there have been some studies done which suggest that the 'in love' romantic state has a maximum shelf life of about 3 years in most cases. THough I have no direct experience of this, being happily single and having been lucky enough to steer clear of ever marrying or living with a partner, it rather seems to me that to make it last, you have to be either very pragmatic or to be good friends with your partner ie retaining fondness and respect for him/her even when he/she is being an arse.
I'm also in favour of the co-parent relationship being properly valued: your co-parent (ie the other biological parent of your DC, apart from cases where your DC are adopted or something) is someone you have a particular relationship with, even if your couple-relationship is over or never existed. He/she is family, your DC's other parent and unless he/she is a horrendously awful person (violent, bullying, abusive or a hopeless addict) then it's in everyone's best interests to keep that relationship as friendly as possible.

southeastastra · 02/04/2008 23:33

you know if you're in love.

BuckBuckMcFate · 02/04/2008 23:34

I'm very much in love with DP (6 years)

He says that he has been in love with me for 12 years though and knew that we would be together one day [aww] or [bleugh] depending on your POV!

I am still aware of 'being in love' with him even though the crazy lust feeling dipped slightly with 2pgs.

I love the fact that he still surprises me and has given me so much support with periods of PND.

And I've drank 3/4 bottle of wine and going to stop now before I start repeating 'I love him. D'ya know I love him. D'ya know what? I love him'

solo · 02/04/2008 23:45

I so envy you all...I am totally in love with my DP, but he isn't with me...a very complicated relationship I guess...I do know though, that if I wasn't in love with him, I'd have ended it or looked else where by now, because I get no physical loving from him and I really miss that.

Mumcentreplus · 03/04/2008 00:08

I have heard about such studies too Madamez apparently thats why most men want to leave once the DCs hit 3yrs old.. lol

I'm still in love with my DH been together 13yrs married for 7 this September...we were originally best friends who became lovers

I think it's about still having the desire/respect for that person and it actually grows and changes...I believe the lustful part changes too...mainly because of circumstance...kids,stress etc (well at least for me)...but you know some days you look at your DH/DP and you think 'damn he's fine and he's all mine'..lol

madamez · 03/04/2008 00:18

Solo: that's one of the other big things about 'love' in the romantic sense - it can be very one-sided. I tend to think that if a person loves someone and the other person happens to love them back then that's just a lucky co-incidence. And I've done the 'mutually in love' stuff a few times but my cut off point was always about 6 months, so I am quite happy not to bother about it any more.

BITCAT · 03/04/2008 00:32

Its quite difficult to define love. I love my kids, and my dh but there are so many different kinds of love and its banded around a lot and sometimes its not meant..i dont think it should be said unless you do actually mean it. I think relationships can work without love, mutual respect, and caring for someone deeply can be a good basis for a relationship. I do however think that you must find the person physically attractive and actually fancy the other person, because lets face it sex is a huge part of it and if that bit aint right then its going nowhere is it!! Thats my view anyway..feel free to disagree.