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Relationships

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Original poster

Are you in love with your partner? And is it essential to in love to have a successful relationship?

43 replies

emkana · 02/04/2008 23:01

Following on from another thread and from a post by Anna888, who thinks being in love is crucial for a successful relationship.

I am really surprised by this, but maybe it depends how you define in love? I wouldn't say I'm in love with my dh, but I do love him and respect him and trust him. Isn't the "in love" feeling something fleeting anyway?

OP posts:

BITCAT · 03/04/2008 00:36

Solo, i feel for you! This is how i felt before i met my dh 14yrs ago. Dont give up hope. You need a big hug..a hug from me to you!

solo · 03/04/2008 01:07

I can say the same madamez, I've fallen in love so many times, but it has only gone past 6 months twice, this time being the second(3.5 years)...that's why I know it's for real. I often think that I don't ask for much, just to be happy and be loved by the man that I love...sigh...sad, sad, sad

solo · 03/04/2008 01:11

Awww! thanks BITCAT, hugs back to you too...

Been married twice, several long term relationships...two kids by different men.

I just wanna be loved! and have sex! I miss it!

BITCAT · 03/04/2008 10:29

Your bringing a tear to my eye solo! Do you really feel this way, have you tried talking to your partner?
I always felt i wasnt loved by my mother, and every boyfriend i had up until i met dh, was only after 1 thing and i was picked on and bullied terrible at school so i never had any confidence in myself, and never felt attractive at all. But it all changed when i met dh, he made me feel special and i know that he loves me, even though he doesnt often say it! 14yrs and 4 children, dont get me wrong we have had some tough times and rough patches but we pulled through and we are stronger than ever. One day you will have this solo, dont give up hope, maybe you just havent found him yet.

hippipotami · 03/04/2008 10:34

I love my dh dearly, but the overwhelming 'in love' feelings faded after a few years. But they were replaced by a feeling of deep love and mutual respect. We just feel very comfortable in each other's company.
Not bad after 15 years

OrmIrian · 03/04/2008 10:36

No I'm not. And define 'successful relationship'. We are together and we get on alright but I'm not sure if I'd say it was successful.

madamez · 03/04/2008 15:03

'Successful' relationship would be one where you feel that you are better off in it than not in it, most of the time. But it's vital that you are making that assessment from a reasonalbly mentally healthy viewpoint (ie you're not clinging on to a violent partner because you think a single woman is a failure and a murderous thug is better than nothing).

Janni · 03/04/2008 15:33

I love my DH, I enjoy spending time with him particularly when it's just the two of us, the sex is good though probably not as frequent as it would be without 3 kids around and we very rarely argue.

I wouldn't say I was 'in love' though, because to me that smacks of those swoony, mad, crazy feelings when you first fall for someone and it would be a bit weird to have them still 20 years on. Wouldn't it? Does anybody? Truly?

itsMYmummy · 03/04/2008 15:38

I would say yes I think that to have a succesful relationship you have to be in love, otherwise to me it would feel just a bit like an arrangement of convenience. Can't imagine ever not being in love with DH, I feel relationships are like mountain ranges, there should be more PEAKS than troughs!

gingerninja · 03/04/2008 15:52

I second what many have said. After 15 yrs I have a deep and respectful love of my DH but I don't know how to interpret 'being in love'. There are times when I don't like him much and him me but that doesn't mean we don't love one another.

I still look at him on occasions and my heart melts but thats generally because I'm looking at the way he's aged or the way he's hugging our DD or something. It's not necessarily some burning sexual desire it's more nostalgia, or an appreciation of how far we've come together.

Love is more than just a feeling, it is respect, it's allowing one another to exist individually, it's about friendship, it's about trust etc. Every relationship finds strength in different things

tearinghairout · 03/04/2008 16:04

Not in love, but do love him.

To be 'in love' not necessary for a successful relationship, just to make it work for both/all.

I have found that, over the years, love comes.

A stable, sometimes dull, relationship is more important than the giddyness of being with the badboy, where the relationship doesn't last. The stable relationship with a reliable, trustworthy etc man brings its own pleasures over time. Ours, with Mr Not-exciting, I wouldn't swap for anything. If I want excitement I'll go bungee-jumping!

beaniesteve · 03/04/2008 16:16

I think the answer depends very much on how you define 'in love'.

beaniesteve · 03/04/2008 16:16

I think the answer depends very much on how you define 'in love'.

crunchynutter · 03/04/2008 17:44

just found this thread- i'm new to MN and am about to celebrate our first wedding anniversary, have just decided we both really want to TTC and we are VERY much in love (as much-no probably more, than the day we met 7yrs ago) i still get all tingly and excited when i see him and we always put each other 1st.

God i sound sad! i really really really do love him though and id like to think all couples feel this strongly about each other, 1 week on or 60years like my dear old nan and grandad!

madamez · 03/04/2008 17:46

I think the most vital thing to remember is that a couple relationship is not necessary. It's really not worth pursuing one at the expense of your self-respect, money, free time or children's wellbeing. THough it's pushed at us harder than anything else (if you are single you are a failure, there must be something wrong with you, everyone who is single would give up everything they possess for 'real' love etc) it's not that big a deal. Marriages founded on pragmatism often last just as well as long as neither partner suddenly ups and falls for the propaganda and runs off with someone or other.
An interesting, if tragic, side effect of the most full on monogamy propaganda is that people who believe it frequently ditch previous partners for new ones with unbelievable callousness, because they have bought the myth that whoever you most fancy shagging at the moment is The One and everyone else is disposable because nothing matters but your ONe True Love, to whom you must and will be faithful... til the next one.

gingerninja · 04/04/2008 12:43

wise words madamez

mumblechum · 04/04/2008 12:52

Am absolutely in love with dh of 18 years. When he picked me upfrom the airport the other night I just couldn't wipe the beam off my face from when I saw him till we got tothe carpark. I mean, literally couldn't stop smiling.

He makes everything ok.

Anna8888 · 04/04/2008 12:52

beaniesteve - if you start looking for definitions of "in love" you aren't in love.

Being "in love" is like being hungry, tired, sleepy, bored, angry or any other emotional state. You just know .

I know that if I were not in love with my partner I would be at risk of finding love elsewhere... and he too...

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