Dreading telling my parents I’m pregnant (reposted from Pregnancy topic)

[3LittlePiggles]

As the title says, I’m utterly dreading it. For a bit of context, I’m in my early 30s and 12 weeks pregnant. When I was growing up, my mum was emotionally abusive and my dad enabled her behaviour. Classic rage and silent treatment from a really young age. We grew up terrified of her and never knew what would set her off next.

This continued into my teen adult years, or got worse, I suppose, on some levels. There were things like my mum telling me my then boyfriend would go to uni, meet someone else and forget all about me; wanting to put a tracker on my phone to know where I am and who I’m with; during teacher training, bombarding me with messages, voicemails and emails even before I got to school at 8am; summoning me to her house to cry all over me and beg me to tell her I loved her, before looking right at me and saying ‘I know you hate me’.

I had a miscarriage a few months ago and she seemed to see it as ‘allowing’ her back in. I got the juxtaposition of her sending messages like ‘if you need a hug, just say and I will be there ❤️❤️❤️’ and then saying ‘so it had died then’ when she wanted to know about my scan. My dad phoned me the day after my D&C surgery but it was more to ask me to ‘keep mum in the picture’ than ask how I was, which was absolutely classic.

In short, I don’t trust or even like her any more. But I’m now 12 weeks pregnant following the miscarriage, and have my scan soon. I don’t want to tell her (I have a strong feeling of not wanting her anywhere near me), but I know I’ll have to at some point. I know there will be something either during my pregnancy or once DC is hopefully here that will set off her awful behaviour again.

I also don’t want to spend any more time or have more contact with her than I currently do. We message on a family group chat every few days, although she never asks how we are, it’s usually barbed comments and ‘oh I didn’t know you still did [XYZ]’. We probably see each other in person every 6-ish weeks.

I know she will see herself as gran of the year and will bring mountains of presents and want to be all over us, but honestly the thought makes my skin crawl. I’ve been having years of therapy, but the problem will never truly go away because she won’t go away.

Sorry, that was long and rambling. Does anyone have any advice? What can I do?

Sorry, I forgot to add to the top of my post that I’ve reposted this here from the Pregnancy board because it seems like a better fit in Relationships. I hope that’s ok

can you go no contact?

I was also going to suggest going no contact. It doesn't seem like she's adding anything to your life or that she ever has.

You have my permission to not contact her id you don't want to. Having a supportive mum during pregnancy and early parenthood is amazing. Having an abusive one can be devastating. You do not owe her a relationship with you or your dc.

Thank you for your replies. It’s something that I’m seriously considering at the moment, but I know I’ll get the ‘poor me’ sob stories again, like how she told me she cried in the toilets at work when I got rejected from Cambridge uni and that she knew I’d deliberately failed the interview.

I’m sort of holding on to NC in case (or until, realistically), she does something regarding my pregnancy or DC that warrant it. She won’t understand that all over her behaviour over 30-ish years have led me to this point - she has no concept of self awareness or ability to reflect on her behaviour, she thinks it’s my fault we’re not close.

Just because they're your parents doesn't mean they're entitled to be part of your life. Read your post; they've treated you dreadfully, and honestly don't deserve to share your happy baby news. Look after yourself, enjoy your pregnancy and try not to give them too much thought. You're a grown adult and there's enough to think about without wasting your energy on people who are unkind to you.
Have a lovely life 😊

My thought is that, sadly and for whatever reason, your mum sounds like she has the emotional development of a small child - and that you will have your hands full enough with your own small child without having to look after her as well.

You are totally allowed to go NC or very low C although l am not sure that would work.

You don't have to see her at all throughout the pregnancy, l can see she will ruin your peace.

Most importantly here your gut is CLEARLY telling you to stay away, your instincts during pregnancy and after are very acute...listen and don't be made to feel guilty.

I would like you to read this again...don't feel guilty, refuse to.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and may you have a lovely calm one and a beautiful baby at the end.

This is a new chapter ion your life now, you are allowed to choose the life you want, it is your life to choose not hers.

I’m sort of holding on to NC in case (or until, realistically), she does something regarding my pregnancy or DC that warrant it.

Why wait? You know she'll do something at the very least hurtful, why wait to put yourself or your child through that? Prevention is better than cure, don't give her the opportunities to do any more damage.

but I know I’ll get the ‘poor me’ sob stories again

You won't be able to hear them if you're NC . Seriously, you need to put yourself and your baby first. The angst you are feeling now isn't doing the wee one any good, or you.

You can't win with people like your mother, or your father, so removing yourself from the equation is the only way, as sad as that is for the family you should have had. You're building your own family now, this is the time to break the cycle

ETA: You don't need to have a big official break up, it won't end well, I think you'd be better to just stop contacting them or replying to messages.

OP, for context - I am lucky enough to have a very good relationship with my mum, and I probably see about once every 2 months or so.
Your mum is making your life miserable and yet you're seeing her every 6 weeks. You know you don't have to. You can ignore the messages and calls, and take a big step back. The sky won't fall in.
Do you really want this woman as a grandmother to your child?

Your mum sounds like my mum. My first pregnancy was the reason I ended up NC with her. It made her more unstable than ever. The screaming, shouting, moods and silent treatment from her during my pregnancy and the fear it was going to effect my pregnancy finished me off. Everything was about her and how she looked to other people. My dad also enabled her behaviour.
When I went NC she accused me of ruining everyone’s lives, but it was her ruining everything. I wasn’t going to let her harm my baby the way she harmed me my entire childhood and young adulthood.
I’d strongly urge you to consider NC. Mums like our don’t get better with age. They also don’t turn into Grandmother of the year. They either hurt your child the same way as they hurt you or they try and turn your child against you.
Good luck with your pregnancy.

She won’t understand that all over her behaviour over 30-ish years have led me to this point

Why does she need to?

Leave it a couple of weeks after your 12wk scan before you mssg her all is well with your pregnancy (if you want to), but DON'T tell her your due date so she won't hover whilst you're in labour.

You know your DM much better than we do. She may step up and be a better GM than DM, but I'd not put money on it.

You obviously feel obligated to respond to her frequently in family group chats and to see her fairly frequently. It's probably worth thinking about why you feel obligated to do that, when you often get abuse/manipulation back from her/your dad.

I would start to fade back on the level of communication, reply less, postpone a meet up etc etc. Don't tell her specifics of due dates, scan dates etc. in fact I'd not tell her anything at all about the pregnancy or your life. You are in control of your relationship with her and your dad.

I've never been in this situation, but other posters have, and I would follow their advice.

She definitely does. My dad has always said ‘your mum doesn’t do emotions’, that’s his go-to line. But she does - just hers, never anyone else’s, even her very tiny children’s.

I agree that it’s sad, but she’ll never take any responsibility for it or do anything to try to make herself better. She did actually go to speak to a counsellor once (the one from the primary school where she was chair of governors) who apparently told her to write a letter to me. So she did, in which she said if she walked in front of a lorry tomorrow, I’d be sorry I didn’t see her more. She just doesn’t get it at all.

Thank you @squirrelnutkin10. I agree that my gut is screaming at me to stay away from her and to keep my baby away too.

Weirdly, about 6-7 years ago, when her behaviour really reached a kind of crescendo, my dad was crying to me that he was scared I wouldn’t let them see my (non-existent, not even thought of, let alone conceived) children. It was bizarre, because the thought hadn’t even crossed my mind. But then fast forward a few years and that’s exactly what I’m considering doing. It’s like they can predict the likely consequences of their actions, but it doesn’t stop them acting the way they do?

You could be describing my mother. I had all these concerns when pregnant
But what I genuinely found is that she really struggled to make the baby about her. So she soon lost interest. If we did meet and go out she would try and play the grandmother roll so people would see. She takes no interest in them. So you can hope yours does similar.

Honestly, loads of therapy later and meeting her still triggered me , I'm v low contract now. Always on my terms and my life is so much better.

Don’t tell her, or certainly not this early. Not telling her, or telling her at 30 weeks or whatever, would certainly send a message. I’d either not tell her, or late in pregnancy tell her I’m pregnant and she’ll assume early pregnancy, then quietly have the baby and fourth trimester whilst ignoring her.

Her hovering during labour is my worst nightmare. I’ve heard that midwives are really good at keeping out anyone you don’t want near you - is that true?

I’ve also had ‘childhood trauma, emotional abuse by mother’ put on my notes at my booking appointment after a long chat with my lovely midwife, which I’m really grateful for, so hopefully that will add some extra weight to the fact I do not want her near me.

Thank you so much for all your replies. I always feel like I’m going mad with this - is she really that bad? Is her behaviour really that awful? Is it really abuse? Etc etc.

At this stage, I don’t even like her, let alone love her. I can really see the damage she’s done to all of us in our family dynamic and how she’s totally unrepentant and incapable of reflection. It’s sad that she’s so damaged, and we don’t understand why she is like she is, but it doesn’t change the fact her behaviour has been hugely detrimental to us growing up.

My therapist said that I’m finally finding my anger - it’s taken 30+ years!

I would recommend talking to a professional when the time is right OP. The books ‘Mothers who can’t love A Healing Guide for Daughters’
https://amzn.eu/d/fnEtObN and ‘Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents’
https://amzn.eu/d/h5uDfJ8are also a good place to start when you feel able.

my mother was/is abusive in a different way, and when my baby was born the urge to protect her was so strong that I sidelined my mother completely - it wasn’t even a decision I had to make @3LittlePiggles , and with a bit of luck the same will happen for you. I am lc rather than nc as the latter would just give “D”M an excuse for drama, so think about what would work best for you and do that. All the best for a calm pregnancy and birth

Just seen you have a therapist, that’s great.

Theres No point waiting until she does something that she’ll understand is too much which will justify your response.

She’ll never understand. She can’t understand. It’s actually sad- she developmentally can’t understand the rules of relationships and your dad has been groomed/trained into indulging her.

If you stand up to her now, after years of tolerance, she won’t understand why the rules have changed.

The only way out imo is to disappear or to quietly reduce contact to a manageable level. Are you familiar with ‘grey rock’? When you and your life are boring because you don’t play along with the drama, just quietly avoid everything, she’ll get bored and drift off. She’ll maybe turn up for annual photo sessions on Birthdays or Christmas, but she won’t have the attention span to actually hang around much. We resign ourselves to regular slots of time which revolve around her, then leave her to it the rest of the time. Obviously that takes some juggling with babies and children, so you need a supportive partner to tag team with.