Dreading telling my parents I’m pregnant (reposted from Pregnancy topic)

[3LittlePiggles]

As the title says, I’m utterly dreading it. For a bit of context, I’m in my early 30s and 12 weeks pregnant. When I was growing up, my mum was emotionally abusive and my dad enabled her behaviour. Classic rage and silent treatment from a really young age. We grew up terrified of her and never knew what would set her off next.

This continued into my teen adult years, or got worse, I suppose, on some levels. There were things like my mum telling me my then boyfriend would go to uni, meet someone else and forget all about me; wanting to put a tracker on my phone to know where I am and who I’m with; during teacher training, bombarding me with messages, voicemails and emails even before I got to school at 8am; summoning me to her house to cry all over me and beg me to tell her I loved her, before looking right at me and saying ‘I know you hate me’.

I had a miscarriage a few months ago and she seemed to see it as ‘allowing’ her back in. I got the juxtaposition of her sending messages like ‘if you need a hug, just say and I will be there ❤️❤️❤️’ and then saying ‘so it had died then’ when she wanted to know about my scan. My dad phoned me the day after my D&C surgery but it was more to ask me to ‘keep mum in the picture’ than ask how I was, which was absolutely classic.

In short, I don’t trust or even like her any more. But I’m now 12 weeks pregnant following the miscarriage, and have my scan soon. I don’t want to tell her (I have a strong feeling of not wanting her anywhere near me), but I know I’ll have to at some point. I know there will be something either during my pregnancy or once DC is hopefully here that will set off her awful behaviour again.

I also don’t want to spend any more time or have more contact with her than I currently do. We message on a family group chat every few days, although she never asks how we are, it’s usually barbed comments and ‘oh I didn’t know you still did [XYZ]’. We probably see each other in person every 6-ish weeks.

I know she will see herself as gran of the year and will bring mountains of presents and want to be all over us, but honestly the thought makes my skin crawl. I’ve been having years of therapy, but the problem will never truly go away because she won’t go away.

Sorry, that was long and rambling. Does anyone have any advice? What can I do?

You don't need to tell them anything.

Try to establish separate contact with your dad after the birth.

Don't let your mother bully you into doing things that you don't want to do.

I was nc with my mother when I was pregnant and had been for a while. I remember thinking how glad I was because I knew she would ruin it by disagreeing with ebery decision, names , pram ect you name it . However when I was pp I was manipulated into agreeing for her to see my ds. It was a nightmare, she barely seen him ( I live 5 minutes from her ) yet would cry that she missed him and loved him so much. I tolerated her bs for a while but my son disliked her and he's 2.5 now and I'm back no contact and it's great. She thinks I'm horrible and cruel and denies my childhood happened and I couldn't give a hoot what she thinks. Fuck her!
My advice Is to cut her out now before she ruins your pregnancy and takes over. It'll be the best thing you ever do

OP it really does not matter what your parents think. You deserve a peaceful pregnancy and you know your Mother won't allow this to happen.
I'm glad you're seeing a therapist, l'm sure she has told you that your mother is abusive and almost certainly a narcissist so she is incapable of changing.Your Dad's role is to enable her.
Please listen to your instincts which are telling you to go no contact with her. Protect yourself so you can enjoy your pregnancy and birth. Congratulations and wishing you all the best.

I’m so sorry you’ve had a similar experience.

The part where you say ‘she thinks I’m horrible and cruel’ rings so many bells. Mine called me ‘cold and unfeeling’ because I stopped crying on (her) demand, essentially. Clearly she enjoyed that on some level and felt it gave her some sort of power over me, and when I stopped responding to her by crying, but tried to put a brave face on it and not rise to her hideous behaviour, she didn’t like it at all.

It’s really messed up. She wants these OTT declarations of love and hugging etc but has done nothing to deserve it. She terrified us as children, threatened to give us away to Barnardo’s, threw away our toys, gave us days and days of silent treatment (including holidays and birthday parties), threw cups of tea, etc. And it’s my fault we’re not close?

Thank you 💐

My dad’s role in it really hurts, moreso now than it did previously, I think. I used to be able to see him as a victim of my mum’s behaviour too, but the older I get, the more I understand that he was equally responsible for us and should have stepped in.

The fact that he was still ‘offering me up’ to my mum to keep the peace in the days after my miscarriage and surgery feel like the final straw for me. ‘It wouldn’t hurt to keep your mum in the picture’ and ‘it’s not worth falling out over’. Well, when is it worth it? At what point do my feelings actually matter? Because it’s pretty clear that they don’t matter to either of my parents - both of them are only interested in my mum’s feelings, aren’t they?

I’ve heard that midwives are really good at keeping out anyone you don’t want near you - is that true?

Yes and no. We didn't my MIL my due date - a different type of abuse to yours, but we didn't trust her not to get involved. Eventually she knew the birth month.

When I was in labour, the lead midwife asked my husband to go downstairs and ask them to leave and stop trying to get into the hospital, or Security would have to call the police. He declined but they pushed him quite heavily, saying police presence was stressful for labouring women and other people who might be attending, etc. He went, in the end. We were stunned about how they knew I was in labour - it turns out they'd been turning up at the labour ward for a few months, randomly when she had a "feeling", and the night they called to ask if I was there, the answer from reception must have been slightly different, so they figured I was. Reception did not confirm I was there.

I'd go NC. I wouldn't tell her about the pregnancy, if I'm honest, because she'll only want to be involved. And I'd be prepared that while it would be neater and feel better for you if she did something to you or DC that you could say was the definitive reason for NC, she'll never see it like that, but you might be consumed with guilt over giving her the opportunity. I am, and nothing too bad has happened to DS. I just feel awful that we tried, despite knowing how it'd end, so baby DS was exposed to them. Thankfully he does not remember!

Even with a strong list of things they've "done", and their own admittance to a lot of them, DH's parents still can't accept what they did wrong. They rewrite history in their heads and ignore anything we tell them that they don't like.

NC was hard initially but was absolutely worth it, it's a blessing now.

My childhood was abusive and i thought I’d dealt quite well with it. it was during my first pregnancy and shortly after that i realised that becoming a parent myself had made me view it slightly differently and brought up another wave of anger

The therapist I found at the time says that’s quite common.

dont tell her until you have to. Nothing you do will be right - tell her sooner and you’ll be “landing her with worry”, tell her later and you’ll be “cutting her out”. However with the latter you’ll get some time to yourself to e joy your pregnancy

She’s going to be awful no matter what you do, so (until such times as you feel NC is right for you) just pick the option that suits you best, then at least you get some good bits in amongst the inevitable shit

congratulations on your pregnancy

I’ve no advice as such, but as someone who had a difficult relationship with their mum growing up, having a baby really stirs some emotions up in you.

when my dd was born, I kept having flashbacks from thinks that had happened in my own childhood and I started questioning her about my childhood. This didn’t go down well, I was accused as being a difficult child, when in fact she was a difficult parent!

do expect to go through some very horrible emotions about your own childhood when your baby is born.

Hi, Op. I'm so sorry you've gone through this. Every child deserves to be loved and cherished, I'm so sorry you didn't have that.
I had a similar childhood. I thought my dad was my ally too and it took a long time (nearly 40 years) to realise that he wasn't.

I didn't go NC when I was pregnant. In fact, it took a few years. In that time, there were so many moments where I did the easy, loving thing with my children where my own mother, when I was young, went in the opposite direction. I experienced a kind of grief as it became blindingly clear how wonderfully easy it was to love my children. To hug them when they cry, go to them when they are scared, listen to their stories, make them laugh, cuddle with them and watch a movie, tell them off without crushing their entire self-worth in a scathing verbal rampage.

I find loving them easy and my childhood reared up at me and hurt me all over again.

My mother accuses me of being cold, standoffish, and sees me as boring, frumpy and quite stupid. I struggle every day to remind myself that I'm not these things and honestly, my self-esteem is wafer thin even after 40 years. The damage is so deep. When my son turned five, she told me that he was 'like you, standoffish'. I was absolutely sickened. My son is vibrant and loving and hilarious and incredibly smart. As I sit here I am struggling to find an adjective that is negative, whilst my mum would struggle to find one that is positive.

If you feel you can't go NC during pregnancy, which I totally understand, keep going with therapy, tell your friends as much as you feel comfortable with, and be ready for that feeling of, 'oh shit. I would NEVER do to my kid what she did to me', it's like the ground opens up beneath you. Use your support network, post on here. In time you may find an uncomfortable internal truce with the fact that your mum will never love you in the way you deserve, will never see anything wrong with her behaviour and cannot be relied upon to do the kind thing, to be nice, ever.

It's not your fault. It was never your fault. Look after yourself and all the best for your pregnancy.

Oh, I meant to say about midwives keeping people out. They don't, especially not if the person in question is very charming and comes across as loving and warm in public.
They let my mum in. I had a traumatic delivery and was in a HDU after suffering massive blood loss. I was so weak I couldn't hold my baby. And she came striding in, posing for pictures with my dd. It was awful.

Go with how you feel. You are an adult and don’t have to tell them anything. Keep your pregnancy to yourself. They don’t need to know anything. I’m sad for you to have gone through a miscarriage. I hope that all will go well this time. Keep a strong boundary between yourself and your mother firstly your then father. She sounds toxic. Put yourself first.

Your mother cannot do relationships and your dad here is her willing enabler. Narcissistic women like your mother always need a willing enabler to help them, this here is your dad. He cannot be at all relied on either and he will keep on throwing you under the bus out of self preservation and want of a quiet life.

Lowering all contact levels now to zero sum is advised. I would put them both on a strict information diet and tell them nothing. Keep
them well away from your child and do not facilitate a relationship between them. They’ve done more than enough harm to you already and they will certainly use your child to get back at you. These people are toxic and they will not change, in fact they have not altered any since your own childhood. Do consider posting on the current Well we took you to Stately Hones thread on these Relationships pages. Do also read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward as a starting point and watch Dr Ramani on YouTube.

It sounds like your mother has had unaddressed MH issues most of her life. Your DF has spent his time making excuses and trying to hide it from the world, which has done her no favours at all. She swings to extremes of emotion unchecked by the sounds of it and your DF should of ensured she got assessed properly years ago, however, nothing has been done about it and this is the result, it will be deeply ingrained by now.
But for the sake of your DC and your own family, it's time to step back from her.
Don't tell her that you are pregnant yet, there is no need.
She will likely use any means possible to pester you, so you are going to have to block her. If she writes a letter or tries to come to your house, maybe then it's time to point out that she needs a full MH assessment, and until she does that, you cannot have a relationship. What she then does is up to her.
On some deep level she has awareness and fears correctly that you will withdraw to protect your own DC's from her, but hasn't accepted that this is of her own making, it's the world around her's fault.

Yes I think that’s true. I know she had severe PND when I was born and I think that many of her behavioural issues stem from chronically low self esteem (which, ironically, her behaviour over the years has caused in us too). She also sees all women as competition, including (long ago) my then teenage boyfriend’s female friends or any woman my dad happened to know. Now it’s my MiL who gets the brunt of her jealousy (not that MiL is aware or would even care if she were, I don’t think).

She’s definitely aware that she’s hurt me because I mentioned counselling years ago and she panicked and wanted to know what I was going to talk about.

Thank you for all your replies x

This woman will go out of her way to wreck your mental health at a really important time of your life. She is an incredibly damaged person, this isn't her fault but it is HER responsibility, not yours.

As Attilla has already said, have a look at the Stately Homes thread here, there are a load of helpful resources in the 1st post.

You need to put YOUR needs first. But your mother, supported by your hand-wringing father, will not permit this. So unfortunately you'll need distance.

In my own case my children were adults before I realised how bad my covert narc "mother" is. The damage she did was huge and the biggest regret in my life is that I didn't walk away from her decades ago. Instead it was 2 1/2 years ago & I've spent a lot of that time in therapy - as well as studying narcissism, in which I now have a certificate and a diploma.
I can tell you from what I've learned, & what I've read in your posts, your mother is the problem, not you - and you would eventually be happier if you had nothing to do with her.

Take care of you and your pregnancy, sorry for all you have been through.