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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner 8 yrs

30 replies

Vintagechic72 · 07/05/2024 12:11

I have been dating my partner for 8 yrs. He lives in a council house and says I can't move in as it will jeopardise his rent. I know other couples have moved into a council house as in contacted the council/paperwork and moved in. I have broken up in the past with him due to his drinking but has cut back a lot. He was never honest about being in debt and said I would run a mile if he did tell me! He has a lot of health issues but won't get checked and our sex life has been non existant for 5.5 yrs! He won't talk about it, obsession with sport is out of control that we rarely spend time together, if I go over to his he goes to bed early and barely communicates as more sport on TV. If we go to hotel, sport on TV and bed early. The last anniversary he decided to spend half the day running 5k with his Daughter who is 25yrs and sees her regular then came back, couple of hours and bed early! The latest he booked a holiday no discussion just sent me his confirmation by Facebook messenger, I can join him if I like!! He knows a guy out there but not great mates with him, he won't touch me in bed just lays there. Always making snide comments about me and money I'm not rich or anything barely making through the year like most. I'm mid 50s he is 62. It's finding the inner strength now is the problem.

OP posts:
FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 07/05/2024 12:15

Has he any single brothers?

mrandmrsrobinson · 07/05/2024 12:21

Seriously OP. Being on your own has to be better than this!!!

AuntMarch · 07/05/2024 12:29

There's barely even anything to break off.

Bearintheredhat · 07/05/2024 12:33

I wouldn’t even brake up with this guy, I’d just stop reaching out to him and see if he notices?
I know eight years is a long time, but honestly OP, unless there is some massive hidden reason you need to be with him, you need to not be with him

Hiddenvoice · 07/05/2024 12:37

You’ve listed everything that’s wrong with the relationship and it’s hard to see if there’s any positives.
8 years in and it feels like a strange friendship. I know it might be hard to end it but I genuinely think you’d be happier alone.

Angelsrose · 07/05/2024 12:37

Op, this is not right. Please leave him and boost your self-esteem. Sadly, he does not care about you. I think you'll be happier alone for the time being and you are certain to find a far better companion once you disentangle yourself from this man. Find some hobbies and meet up with friends. There's no point in wasting your precious life with this man.

Jk987 · 07/05/2024 12:41

Absolutely ridiculous, this is not a relationship! Do you even like each other? You've got into a massive rut and he's treating you like shit.

Bye bye, you have a wonderful like ahead without this gorgeous dreamboat!

Rania78 · 07/05/2024 12:45

Honestly OP, just stop reaching out and focus on yourself. You are in a fortunate position as 1. You are not married to him 2. You don’t live with him.
You are only 50 ie you have plenty of time to find someone else. But first do some soul searching to understand why you stayed so long with someone who offers you nothing. Co-dependency? Low self esteem? Fear of being alone (which I must say would be a massive upgrade compared to where you are now….)?
Just cut him out. He adds nothing to your wellbeing. Plus too old for you.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 07/05/2024 12:46

Every sentence I was reading I was saying why are you with him. Next sentence why are you with him… seriously read your post back and give your head a wobble!!! no sex life no communication no hobbies barely talking a dog would give you more partnership!!

Aquamarine1029 · 07/05/2024 12:46

What the fuck are you even doing? Honestly.

KittyCollar · 07/05/2024 13:20

He’s hardly a catch is he. Perhaps you just don’t like the thought of not having a bf but tbh you haven’t got one have you; not really.

HoldingOutForSunAndWine · 07/05/2024 13:22

This is INSANE. He literally has nothing to offer you.

Won't live with you
Won't marry you
Won't spend time with you
Has a fuckton of debt
Doesn't consult you on major things like holidays (doesn't care if you go)
Doesn't shag you - no sex for 5 years, WTAF.
Goes to bed early
Sounds broke - at 62!

Gah!

For context, I am the same age as you Op. Me and DH plan our holidays together. He shags me regularly. He doesn't go to bed early - on holiday we are often the last ones to leave the disco/bar.

I'm not saying this to be smug - you can do so much better than this!!

Original poster
Vintagechic72 · 07/05/2024 14:31

Thank you, seeing replies from my post has shaken me is it fear of being alone or more to the point he has shaken my self esteem to the core. I'm genuinely dyslexic and have a good job in health care/run my own practice but if I make a mistake he corrects, rolls his eyes if I jumble my words speaking, I feel I have to think before I speak or no I won't say that in case it comes all wrong. I've a lot of soul searching from the replies. When you make the effort to dress up but goes unnoticed. The booking of the holiday and sending confirmation of his flights via Facebook messenger to me and saying you can join me if you like was the ultimate slap in the face.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vintagechic72 · 07/05/2024 14:31

No, one step sister

OP posts:
CheapThrillsMeanNothing · 07/05/2024 15:36

@ vintage
No sex for 5.5 years? Why are you still seeing him?
Being single has to be better than this rubbish relationship.

GogAndMagog · 07/05/2024 15:39

Go to a mirror now and look into it and say ' I deserve better' ten times very loudly . As loud as you can! Feel the exhilaration!!

Then go to your phone and text him (that's the most he deserves)

'This isn't working for me anymore'

Then block him.

Taking back some control will make you feel amazing.

If you falter, just read this thread.

Invest in some self care for you. Counselling, whatever you need.
You are only 50.

Good luck 🤞

category12 · 07/05/2024 15:51

Vintagechic72 · 07/05/2024 14:31

Thank you, seeing replies from my post has shaken me is it fear of being alone or more to the point he has shaken my self esteem to the core. I'm genuinely dyslexic and have a good job in health care/run my own practice but if I make a mistake he corrects, rolls his eyes if I jumble my words speaking, I feel I have to think before I speak or no I won't say that in case it comes all wrong. I've a lot of soul searching from the replies. When you make the effort to dress up but goes unnoticed. The booking of the holiday and sending confirmation of his flights via Facebook messenger to me and saying you can join me if you like was the ultimate slap in the face.

He tears you down so you won't realise what a bad bargain he is.

MMmomDD · 07/05/2024 15:54

You are 52…. And you are with a guy 10 years older, who seems like he is in his 90s.
No sex. Watches TV and bed early. No companionship - joint activities and holidays. And he resents your hard work/salary vs his benefits.
At least - he doesn’t need you to change his diapers…

Why on earth are you ‘with’ him?????

purplecorkheart · 07/05/2024 15:57

You know that things will not improve as he gets older. Why on earth would you want to move in with him. He is doing you a favor in that regard. You are worth a million times better than him. Move on, being single is a billion times better than being stuck with him.

CheapThrillsMeanNothing · 07/05/2024 16:34

MMmomDD · 07/05/2024 15:54

You are 52…. And you are with a guy 10 years older, who seems like he is in his 90s.
No sex. Watches TV and bed early. No companionship - joint activities and holidays. And he resents your hard work/salary vs his benefits.
At least - he doesn’t need you to change his diapers…

Why on earth are you ‘with’ him?????

He doesn't need you to change his diapers YET. Give him 10 years and he might.

Seas164 · 07/05/2024 16:40

Fear of being alone? Do you think you could feel more alone than you do lying next to him night after night and being ignored? And you will free up your time to spend with people that value you, not treat you like part of the furniture.

For reference, I wouldn't touch him with a barge pole OP, I'd rather be single forever.

Bestyearever2024 · 07/05/2024 19:00

Finding the strength to do what? Leave him? My god. I'd run so fast Usain would have trouble keeping up

What a Prince amongst men your "partner" is 🤣🤣

80s · 07/05/2024 19:11

I looked up your old posts to see if you had joined yesterday/were a bot as the story seemed so peculiar but saw that you posted something similar 2 years ago (but with further equally uninspiring details) so I guess it's a real post. In which case, I am also unclear as to how you consider this a relationship, or what you need to do in order to end it apart from formally writing it off in your mind. You hardly see each other or communicate with one another, don't have any joint commitments and there's no sign that he is interested in being with you, or likes you?

FineWordsButterNoParsnips · 07/05/2024 19:19

Theres absolutely nothing to finish/end though? You're both just occasional visitors to each other 🤷🏼‍♀️
Forget this house visitor and work on your self esteem.

80s · 07/05/2024 19:24

I was married and living with the father of my children, we had normal everyday conversations and sex, he never said a bad word about me and he even told me I was the "love of his life". But he spent a lot of time away, came home late, would use cold silences to express dislike of things I did and was not interested in doing much as a family. I was often lonely.
You don't see him much, you're not living together, you don't have normal conversations or sex. He's openly, rudely critical. You must be lonely? So it can't be fear of being alone that's stopping you from calling it a day in your head?

Have you tried therapy for your self-esteem issues?