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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Worried theyll turn up

28 replies

Hidingout44 · 07/05/2024 08:08

Im 35 and live independantly. I have 2 children. My parents are not very fun to be around. Ive found them hard work as an adult. I feel like a child around them even though i work and manage my own life fine. I recently went away with my kids alone. My mum and dad are 70ish and my mum in particular is addicted to social media and shes very false online. Our relationship can be defensive

I dont have a serious relationship. But i have a male friend i see when the kids are with their dad. I went out with him 5 years ago it went wrong because he was severely depressed after loosing his home due to his landlord selling. He ended up living with a friend and cut me off whilst depressed because he was ashamed and depressed at his situation and he couldnt at the time pay me back £800.

He returned into my life december 2022 with a job, flat and paid me back. My mum has forcefully told me not to let him round my new place. But weve become really at peace and we are basically companions. We take it in turns to cook and watch tele. Have a bbq. Sometimes we go for a walk or a short trip out.

Today i need help with my garden and i dont want my dad to do it. I want to do it with said friend. So hes coming up this morning and staying until tonight. Im absolutely terrified of my mum and dad making a spontaneous trip today. Ive been living in this fear now for 18 months and im sat im a state of anxiety whenever hes here. I bluddy hate it.

What should i do? Any advice. My brain just freezes at the looks on my parents faces if they saw him.

OP posts:

FUBAR77 · 07/05/2024 08:22

You obviously need to address this, but as you’re feeling anxious already todays not that day. Instead, I would either message them something that implies you’ll be out all day today so they don’t attempt to show up. “Oh how wonderful to have heard from ‘X friend they don’t know’ she’s invited me over to see her house or whatever. Second option would be to park your car elsewhere and be ‘out’ when they show up.

category12 · 07/05/2024 08:32

Just tell your parents that you appreciate they're looking out for you and you understand their viewpoint about the guy, but you're an adult and will make your own decisions.

And if they come over and meet him at your place, you expect them to be civil.

Original poster

Hidingout44 · 07/05/2024 08:40

Yeah ill ring my mum quick this morning to tell them im out today.

Im so fed up of feeling stressed out. Hes on about buying me a cheap bbq as he lives in a flat. So we can have bbqs. I have a nice garden to enjoy and it feels they are stopping me living. I know they dont realise it.

I guess i have to take the risk or i wont ever be able to do what i need to do.

OP posts:

category12 · 07/05/2024 08:43

Hidingout44 · 07/05/2024 08:40

Yeah ill ring my mum quick this morning to tell them im out today.

I guess i have to take the risk or i wont ever be able to do what i need to do.

Don't you think it's time to start standing up to your parents a bit, instead of hiding from them? You're 35 years old.

Lifestooshort71 · 07/05/2024 08:44

Good idea for today but if you want to prove you're good at adulting (which you obviously are) then you need to sit down and tell them so you don't have to lie about what seems to be a good relationship. Tell them the truth and then they can get their heads round it or not. Have a lovely day!

Purplecatshopaholic · 07/05/2024 08:47

This level of fear of what your parents think is wildly excessive op. I am sure you know that. It’s None Of Their Business who you, as a grown woman, spend time with! Maybe counselling or talking therapies would help? You really need to ignore their shit and enjoy your life with whoever you choose!

Original poster

Hidingout44 · 07/05/2024 09:05

The thing is they hate him because he really did hurt me when he dropped out my life. He will always struggle. My mum cant see any empathy for him. To my mum i was a silly girl who gave him money and he took it and treated me like crap. He was unwell back then. He did make me cry. But i have forgiven him and whilst i dont see him as long term partner i have a bond with him.

I think its just hard to do it. Id end up sending it in a message to my mum. I wouldnt do it face to face. My dad cares but can be a right grump and stern when hes let down. I just cant cope with the stress.

My mum said my dads going for a walk today around the block. I dont think he will come here but now im worried he will. I hate this feeling. I feel like a prisoner in my own home.

OP posts:

rainbowstardrops · 07/05/2024 09:53

With all due respect, you're a 35 year old mother of two children. You need to stand up to your parents. Yes, they don't like him, they don't have to and yes they're probably concerned about you but he's your friend and that's that. Just be wary to not allow him to hurt you again.

Original poster

Hidingout44 · 07/05/2024 10:04

Yeah i know. I think i need to have a serious head clear and draft out a message to my mum at some stage.

Hes outside weeding and im completely anxious. I hate this.

OP posts:

LookItsMeAgain · 09/05/2024 19:46

Did they show up on Tuesday after all?

CheekyLeader · 09/05/2024 19:52

Your parents are controlling you with their disapproval. They might be right and you could be making a mistake but it's your mistake to make. We make many mistakes in this life! Phone them and say X is coming round tomorrow and I'm ringing you to warn you as you don't like him and won't want to meet him.

They may be angry with you, but you are an adult and you must learn to be brave enough to cope with their disapproval.

WhoamI2say · 09/05/2024 20:34

I know everyone's saying your parents are controlling but I'm just wondering if they are being protective because they've seen a pattern with you? Is it just this man you've gone wrong with or have you been in other relationships where you've been treated like shit and you've always let them back in?? You're the only one who can answer this. If the answer is yes, they are looking out for you because they don't want you to end up hurt again. If it's no, then you need to set some boundaries.

Bittenonce · 09/05/2024 20:47

If you were a man I'd tell you to 'man up'.
Either you shouldn't be seeing him - in which case you know it, so don't.
Or it's actually OK - in which case - just do it. If they have a problem, it's their problem, you don't need to feel defensive about it.
But please ignore the comments about giving excuses, hiding..... That's not a grown-up response

User364837 · 09/05/2024 20:53

It’s a bit similar to me feeling convinced exh would turn up and ‘catch’ me with new man. Hated feeling like I was doing something wrong.
I did feel a lot better about it when I told him I was seeing someone. Maybe you should tackle it head on and tell them. You are an adult, you can make your own choices; and you’re keeping him separate to your kids.

also would a ring door bell help? It put my mind at rest about ex coming round unexpectedly

earther · 10/05/2024 07:50

If it was me id
Be blunt tell her to fuck off.
im a grown woman and can do what i please.
Go post it on SM mum they might care because i dont buy.
Problem solved.

Or just ring her and tell her your out all day.

Brats4kid · 10/05/2024 08:24

I used to feel like this with my dad, constantly anxious, but be truthful with them, face to face and just say he is a friend. He's a companion, you feel safe and happy in his company. Tell them how you feelz in how they make you feel. I'm completely honest with my dad nowz he has mellowed a lot. It's only taken until I had my own children that I have really let go of the control that he had over me. Good luck 🤞

DecoratingDiva · 10/05/2024 08:39

Do your parents have form for just dropping in unannounced or are you worried about something that is very unlikely?

Your opening phrase is also odd “I’m 35 and live independently”, is there some reason why this wouldn’t normally be the case for grown woman with children?

If you rely on your parents for daily care then you have to find a way to discuss this with them as they can’t dictate who you are friends with or who you have a relationship with but if you don’t need them and they are just interfering that is much easier to do

ChocolateMudcake · 10/05/2024 17:23

So what if your parents turned up? It might be uncomfortable, but then it'll be over. You are an adult, and it's your home. You are the only person who gets a say in who is in your life, especially when you're not involving your kids in this in any way. Your parents opinions do not matter. Let them see him at your house, let them get annoyed about it, it's nothing to do with you. Just live your life and don't let them ruin anything for you by giving them the satisfaction.

cockadoodledandy · 10/05/2024 22:09

OP with the greatest respect, you sound like you might be a vulnerable adult, very closely associated or dependent on your parents. My recommendation would be to limit how much you tell them; you're a fully grown adult and are presumably capable of making your own decisions. Set some boundaries with them, and stick them.

Opentooffers · 10/05/2024 22:42

Tbf this is a situation of your own making. If you overshared about your pain and anguish felt when he disappeared, it's no surprise he wouldn't be flavour of the month. They do have a point, and I suspect you know this, which is why you are expecting their disapproval.
Next time a relationship issue occurs with someone, don't spill your emotions out to your parents, because you are, as others have said, 35 after all. There'd be no need to stand up to them if they knew nothing. I haven't divulged anything emotionally to my parents about relationships ending since I was 16, nor would I.

stichguru · 11/05/2024 19:48

You are 35 with kids. If you are an independent woman with children you are well old enough not to be fearing the consequences of you parents finding you with this man. If that isn't true and you aren't independent, like you rely on them for money or something, then you either need to become independent quickly or you need to stop seeing the man.

Jiski · 11/05/2024 23:39

just keep saying you’re out if you’re too scared to tell them. I think you need to rethink the relationship though. You’re 35 and you could meet a great partner but you’re seemingly settling for a companion.

EnglishBluebell · 12/05/2024 00:31

You sound quite vulnerable to be honest and your parents are specifically targeting that vulnerability within you. They have zero rights to dictate whether your boyfriend comes round or not. If they try to dress it up as concern for the DC or for you, then I'd shoot that down straight away. This is bullying

tara66 · 12/05/2024 10:23

Your situation is not the end of the world! Your parents disapprove of you seeing your friend and you know why - they have a logical reason but you do not care and have moved on. You are 35 years old and not their little girl any more! You can do as you choose. Let them think want - tell them not to involve themselves in your business! Be prepared for a possible break with them? You may have to choose but you cannot let them control your life forever.

tara66 · 12/05/2024 10:25

That should be ''let them think what they want''.

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