What to do when at a complete deadlock…

[CherryCake88]

Little bit of context / background info.
This will be a long message, hoping you’ll stay with me & offer some advice 😊

• I’m 9 months pregnant. FTP & been with partner for 3 years. I’m now on maternity leave.

• It’s been a stressful time in our relationship during pregnancy as I’ve suffered with some depression / mental health issues due to hormones, etc. Partner has struggled dealing with mine & his emotions at times as becoming a parent for the first time.
• Both early 30s, own house & comfortable financially.
• My love language is very much verbal & physical touch. His is very much acts of service. (stay with me… it’s relevant 🙂)

I’m looking for some advice on where to go when you’re at a deadlock in a disagreement. I’m really struggling to move on like we usually would, even though I’m due to give birth at any time now.

My partner had some disappointing news at work as his plans for progression there have potentially been thrown out the window due to some structural changes. He was incredibly angry / disappointed and emotional about it all. It won’t change our current financial position (comfortable), but it has potentially delayed us being in a very comfortable position which obviously is frustrating / disappointing and I feel bad for my partner as he works his socks off and deserves the world!

I know that he feels loved through acts of service. Whilst he cares for comforting words, they don’t mean as much to him. I’ve had to adapt to this over the years as I am the complete opposite - I love being told everything will be ok & discussing how we can work through stuff, etc.

Friday afternoon after he told me the disappointing news, I went into his office and asked him if he’d like to talk about it, he said no. I asked would he like me to make him any lunch as he hadn’t eaten all day. He said no.
I said what about even just a coffee and a biscuit, he said no.
I asked him if he had much left to do at work and could he potentially finish early and go and spend time on his PlayStation with his friends as this is how he likes to unwind / switch off (I don’t take it personally as he has explained to me in the past he would prefer to switch off on a video game than to spend some time together when he’s stressed). I said I can go and get some beers in for you if you want? He said I know you’re trying to cheer me up but I don’t want any of this I just want to be left alone.
So I said okay, I’ll be here when you’re ready to chat, etc.

Later on he came downstairs and we discussed what had happened, we talked about his new plans at work & he said ok from now on I don’t want to talk about it this weekend, there’s nothing I can do but wait to see what next week brings. I’m going to put it out my head.
I said okay great, well why don’t we get something nice for tea you can choose.
He chose Nando’s. I reminded him of a reward he had on his app so he ordered the food.
Food came, we ate together, he then played on his PlayStation all night. At bed time he came to bed and we cuddled and watched TV and had a laugh. I felt like he had cheered up and that was that.

Saturday we did some chores, did some DIY in the baby’s room & then it all kicked off over a shelf…..
Long story short, I said can we put the shelf up now and he said no. And I didn’t get why, when we could just do it right now.

All of this emotion came pouring out about how stressed he was about work and I have done absolutely nothing to show any support or been there for him. I was really taken aback and quite hurt, actually.
I am a very supportive partner, especially in work. We talk about how he should handle situations, I’ve sat through presentations and offered advice, I am constantly telling him how proud I am & a huge cheerleader.
He said I did nothing to try cheer him up.

I reminded him on Friday how I offered all those things and he kept telling me no.
He has said that I shouldn’t have asked him, I should have just done them. Or I should have asked a different way, like ‘I will go and get you some beers, which would you like?’
rather than ‘would you like me to go and grab some beers?’.
He says as his partner I know what he likes, I should have just done them. Acts of service is doing stuff, not asking if I should do them.

The only reason I asked was because I wanted to know what could cheer him up. They weren’t empty - if he’d have said yes please that sounds great, I’d have gone out and bought stuff / made lunch, etc.

I can’t help feeling he is so unreasonable… but it’s now Monday and he will not see my side and I can’t see his.
He still stands by how unsupportive I am and don’t give a shit about him or his feelings. He said I should have woken up on Saturday and made him breakfast or cheered him up. But I didn’t realise he was still down (as ignorant as that may sound), because he didn’t appear to be upset like he was the night before. He also said he’s putting it out his head for the weekend.
I told him I was sorry for not thinking about it the next day and offering to do something to cheer him up. I feel exhausted to be honest. I’m heavily pregnant & shattered 😂
He also mentioned how I didn’t even order the food, he had to do it (…..).

He said he has been there throughout my pregnancy waiting on me hand & foot, and today he just thought ‘what about me’.
I can’t help but feel it’s so incredibly dramatic - I hand on heart can say I frequently thank him for everything, buy him gifts I think he’ll like, I’ve been putting together a little ‘new dad’ hamper of his favourite things and a card to thank him for being a great partner.

Usually after arguments we hear both sides and we make up. I’m really struggling this time. I keep trying to tell myself he’s just stressed and taking it out on me, but I feel really fucking upset and angry over him standing by the fact I did nothing to make him feel better and I am being punished because of how I asked how I could help?!??

What am I meant to do… do you think I just need to swallow my emotions? I don’t even want to do anything nice for him now cos I feel like he’s been a complete cock. I am trying really hard to remember he’s a great guy really, but I’m struggling like hell.

unless I have been unreasonable and I’m blind to it?!

so sorry for the long post. Just needed somebody to speak to as I don’t like discussing relationship problems with friends / family.

Thank you in advance 🤍

Honestly, I think in situations like this it’s best to accept that you won’t agree. He won’t accept your point of view, and you won’t accept his. You’ve both had the opportunity to articulate yourselves and be heard. Assuming your relationship is generally good, I would just accept he’s had some shit news and he’s miserable and being a bit of a prick. Let it go and try and have a nice evening.

He sounds awful. It’s not your fault his work stuff got messed up. I’d be very wary about this ramping up once baby arrives.

Yes, he’s being a cock. Taking out his disappointment over work out on you.

Thanks for replying 🙂 I think you’re right & I’m probably being stubborn, I think I just feel really hurt and unappreciated as a partner.

If any man had wanted me to go to the shop for beers for him or jump around making special breakfasts to ward of a mantrum when I was 9 months pregnant, he'd have died of thirst and hunger.

I would shelve this for now and concentrate on staying as peaceful and calm as you can because when you have this baby, your giant man-baby is going to have some shaping up to do and it probably won't be pretty.

Ignore it, do what you need to do to move on, look out.

Chuffing hell. He's going to need to grow up a bit before the baby arrives.

When I was 9 months pregnant, I don't think I could get off the sofa, let alone fetch beers and breakfasts.

It really makes me scared when I see people say this. I’ve cried a lot being scared that it’s going to get worse / more stressful when the baby’s here. 😞

An unwanted unasked for "act of service" is just self serving bullshit at that point your not trying to make them feel better your saying I'm doing this therfore you should feel better its not helping

The love languages stuff seems to be just an excuse for him to expect you to be a mind reader.

There's a red flag that he is kicking this off 'You must look after meee!!!' just when your focus is going to be on a whole new person.

Probably best to agree that you see it differently and let him work out his emotions on his own, including that he isn't in a relationship with a mindreading servant.

I sounds like “all eyes on me” attention-seeking because the baby will be arriving soon. You sound really caring but I think you’ll have your work cut out going forward x

You know what, it might. It might get worse, it's not unusual. It might not. It might just be a last minute wobble and all will be well. There's not much you can do about that from here, other than confide in someone close to you what your fears are, so that you've got support should it happen.

Can you go and stay with someone for a couple of nights to let it settle? While you're away, decide that this is the line in the sand, no more pandering, no more trying to ward off his outbursts, he is in charge of his emotions and needs to deal with them like a grown up, not have them marshalled by you. Especially when you are and will be very busy making a human.

I might give him a bit of leeway due to all of the stressors in his life right now, imminent baby, job issues, but fucking hell, he sounds like a bloody 5 year old. If this is how he handles adversity, (and let's be honest, it isn't much adversity here), I would be very worried about the future.

Thank you 🤍
I know you’re absolutely right and I’m positive as soon as our baby’s here all of these ridiculous arguments will be so insignificant and our focuses will shift.
I have been trying to tell myself all day that I have a new purpose in life to focus on and to just let this disagreement slide. I’m probably extra emotional with hormones 🙂

think I’ll just try and draw a line in the sand tonight and get a good nights sleep later. Xx

Your post reads as though you tie yourself in knots showing him you appreciate him / getting him gifts / fall over yourelf trying to please him / worry about how he feels / ignore your own feelings while you worry about his. While he worries about himself first, thinksyour world should circle around his, criticises you.

He thinks his very pregnant wife should have got him breakfast in bed?????? The selfish, entitled idiot.

You fell over yourself to try to make him feel better. He refused, and later on you had a laugh, so clearly your offers that evening were reasonable and he hadn't taken offence at that point.

So he woke in a mood on Saturday and decided to punish you.

He's selfish and childish and he needs to grow up. He won't be the centre of your world anymore once your baby comes. And his own world, if he's a decent adult, will focus on your baby and your family unit, not himself.

If this is a one-off, and if I'm wrong with what I've said above, then maybe he's just been a selfish, childish knob because he's had bad news (it's still not OK though). Make sure you don't get tempted to apologise - you did absolutely nothing wrong.

But if this is a pattern, if he's done it before, then look out for it. He may well get worse when the baby arrives.

I know you were trying to help but the way you described your offers of solutions ( making nice lunch, fetching beeers, you can play on your PlayStation made me think of a parent/child relationship! Sorry
i know you’re upset but he needs to grow up and you pandering won’t help that happen

You shouldn't forget this behaviour forgive if your inclined but never forget it because sometimes this is the beginning

I hope its not

I think that everyone you had tried to do for your partner was lovely, I can see that maybe he’s acting out because he probably feels so very frustrated by the disappointment of the work situation, I feel that he will probably realise in time that you did try to cheer him up, but maybe for peace sake you could try saying to him that you will try and remember for next time anything like this occurs and just do something rather than asking if he wants you to. It’s not an admission of any wrongdoing on your part, but rather just validating that he feels like he does. I’m sure if your relationship is normally very loving and attentive that maybe it’s all been blown out of proportion, especially as he may be feeling more disappointed by the work situation because of the impending birth of the baby, wanting to provide extra for you and baby. He might even be feeling a little worried about changes due to new baby as well, I’m sure most other women on here will say he’s being a baby, but he’s a human being and we all have irrational reactions at times

Well unlike everybody else I think you’re probably (understandably!) overly emotional, exhausted, and giving this episode much more attention than you should.

what is he usually like? Obviously we have no clue. If his work is very important to him as a provider then this will have impacted his confidence. Also, if you don’t yet have children, he will see you as his equal as he always has and can’t really empathise how you’ll be feeling physically and emotionally and so might not realise how he needed to just let this one go, so is just venting.

if this is atypical of how you usually run along together, don’t give it any more of your precious time.
if it’s not, you might need to give your relationship some thought and have some proper conversations before your baby arrives.

He’s an absolute dkhead. A spoiled one at that. Stop trying to appease what you can’t control.

Shit happens at work, we’ve all been disappointed on the treadmill but we don’t go taking it out on others or chucking our toys out of the pram.

I hope you can get past this, for a quiet life at this particular time just let it go for now but boy, is he behaving like a man child and taking it on you.

Good luck with your confinement and I hope all goes well in parent world. Exciting times ahead.

I hope we don’t see you back here in 12 months.

Thanks @Tanyahawkes ! 🤍
I think I am going to do that & hopefully he will realise. I have been trying to give some benefit of the doubt as he will be feeling stressed about parenthood and he definitely sees himself as a provider - he really wants to build a good life for us and he has been working really hard recently so I guess it’s just bubbled over.
Think I was just struggling with him still standing by it today that I wasn’t good enough in that situation!

Maybe you were annoying him by talking too much and questioning him too much, when he needed peace and quiet. He should be able to just ask for that though

Thank you. I think you’re right!

He can be a very emotional person - not necessarily angry, but he definitely overreacts to things or takes offence / reads into things sometimes. Most likely stems from his childhood (like the majority of our problems!!) of not having somebody to look after him and not feeling good enough.

He’s very loving & hands on: I know he will make a great father and be supportive in taking care of me & the baby.
He works very hard and likes to talk about the future he wants to build for our family, so I can totally understand when work doesn’t go to plan why he is so emotional.

We usually always get through any argument, but this one was really bothering me as I felt he was totally unreasonable and he could not see my side (& vice versa). I didn’t know what the best way forwards was but I guess I’ll just swallow my feelings & remember he has just had a bad time with this!

thanks so much for replying

You are good enough and I’m sure 99% of the time he knows this. Remember you are a team, you are together in all of this, but even the best team stumbles at times and acts alone for a little while, you will both remember to come together again

Reading this makes me want to shake some sense into your head.

He needs to grow the fuck up and stop behaving like a toddler.

He wants you to do all the running around to make him feel better about his job, whilst being 9 months pregnant and fucking exhausted? Fuck that shit.

I think you’re both exhausted and stressed.

i think you should talk to him, say you thought you were thinking about him, and doing what he asked, but in future you’ll just ‘do’ something instead of asking.
I’m sure he just does stuff for you without asking? And if he’s normally lovely and doing things for you, I imagine him saying yes, I’d like my tired and struggling 9months pregnant dp to go out and get me beer, would make him feel pretty bad. So maybe he didn’t really feel like he had a choice.
And you can tell him like him to try communicate a bit more about what he needs/wants rather than blowing up.
and then move on. You each have different styles, he’s been trying to support you, you tried to support him, that’s the main thing really.