Little bit of context / background info.
This will be a long message, hoping you’ll stay with me & offer some advice 😊
• I’m 9 months pregnant. FTP & been with partner for 3 years. I’m now on maternity leave.
• It’s been a stressful time in our relationship during pregnancy as I’ve suffered with some depression / mental health issues due to hormones, etc. Partner has struggled dealing with mine & his emotions at times as becoming a parent for the first time.
• Both early 30s, own house & comfortable financially.
• My love language is very much verbal & physical touch. His is very much acts of service. (stay with me… it’s relevant 🙂)
I’m looking for some advice on where to go when you’re at a deadlock in a disagreement. I’m really struggling to move on like we usually would, even though I’m due to give birth at any time now.
My partner had some disappointing news at work as his plans for progression there have potentially been thrown out the window due to some structural changes. He was incredibly angry / disappointed and emotional about it all. It won’t change our current financial position (comfortable), but it has potentially delayed us being in a very comfortable position which obviously is frustrating / disappointing and I feel bad for my partner as he works his socks off and deserves the world!
I know that he feels loved through acts of service. Whilst he cares for comforting words, they don’t mean as much to him. I’ve had to adapt to this over the years as I am the complete opposite - I love being told everything will be ok & discussing how we can work through stuff, etc.
Friday afternoon after he told me the disappointing news, I went into his office and asked him if he’d like to talk about it, he said no. I asked would he like me to make him any lunch as he hadn’t eaten all day. He said no.
I said what about even just a coffee and a biscuit, he said no.
I asked him if he had much left to do at work and could he potentially finish early and go and spend time on his PlayStation with his friends as this is how he likes to unwind / switch off (I don’t take it personally as he has explained to me in the past he would prefer to switch off on a video game than to spend some time together when he’s stressed). I said I can go and get some beers in for you if you want? He said I know you’re trying to cheer me up but I don’t want any of this I just want to be left alone.
So I said okay, I’ll be here when you’re ready to chat, etc.
Later on he came downstairs and we discussed what had happened, we talked about his new plans at work & he said ok from now on I don’t want to talk about it this weekend, there’s nothing I can do but wait to see what next week brings. I’m going to put it out my head.
I said okay great, well why don’t we get something nice for tea you can choose.
He chose Nando’s. I reminded him of a reward he had on his app so he ordered the food.
Food came, we ate together, he then played on his PlayStation all night. At bed time he came to bed and we cuddled and watched TV and had a laugh. I felt like he had cheered up and that was that.
Saturday we did some chores, did some DIY in the baby’s room & then it all kicked off over a shelf…..
Long story short, I said can we put the shelf up now and he said no. And I didn’t get why, when we could just do it right now.
All of this emotion came pouring out about how stressed he was about work and I have done absolutely nothing to show any support or been there for him. I was really taken aback and quite hurt, actually.
I am a very supportive partner, especially in work. We talk about how he should handle situations, I’ve sat through presentations and offered advice, I am constantly telling him how proud I am & a huge cheerleader.
He said I did nothing to try cheer him up.
I reminded him on Friday how I offered all those things and he kept telling me no.
He has said that I shouldn’t have asked him, I should have just done them. Or I should have asked a different way, like ‘I will go and get you some beers, which would you like?’
rather than ‘would you like me to go and grab some beers?’.
He says as his partner I know what he likes, I should have just done them. Acts of service is doing stuff, not asking if I should do them.
The only reason I asked was because I wanted to know what could cheer him up. They weren’t empty - if he’d have said yes please that sounds great, I’d have gone out and bought stuff / made lunch, etc.
I can’t help feeling he is so unreasonable… but it’s now Monday and he will not see my side and I can’t see his.
He still stands by how unsupportive I am and don’t give a shit about him or his feelings. He said I should have woken up on Saturday and made him breakfast or cheered him up. But I didn’t realise he was still down (as ignorant as that may sound), because he didn’t appear to be upset like he was the night before. He also said he’s putting it out his head for the weekend.
I told him I was sorry for not thinking about it the next day and offering to do something to cheer him up. I feel exhausted to be honest. I’m heavily pregnant & shattered 😂
He also mentioned how I didn’t even order the food, he had to do it (…..).
He said he has been there throughout my pregnancy waiting on me hand & foot, and today he just thought ‘what about me’.
I can’t help but feel it’s so incredibly dramatic - I hand on heart can say I frequently thank him for everything, buy him gifts I think he’ll like, I’ve been putting together a little ‘new dad’ hamper of his favourite things and a card to thank him for being a great partner.
Usually after arguments we hear both sides and we make up. I’m really struggling this time. I keep trying to tell myself he’s just stressed and taking it out on me, but I feel really fucking upset and angry over him standing by the fact I did nothing to make him feel better and I am being punished because of how I asked how I could help?!??
What am I meant to do… do you think I just need to swallow my emotions? I don’t even want to do anything nice for him now cos I feel like he’s been a complete cock. I am trying really hard to remember he’s a great guy really, but I’m struggling like hell.
unless I have been unreasonable and I’m blind to it?!
so sorry for the long post. Just needed somebody to speak to as I don’t like discussing relationship problems with friends / family.
Thank you in advance 🤍