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Original poster

How to broach money issue with newish DP?

50 replies

Fannymadams · 05/05/2024 22:45

I’ve been in a relationship with a man for 18 months, met online, both divorced and in our 50s. We’re very happy and I feel lucky to have met him, we’ve both met each others families, and we spend a fair amount of time together. It’s a good relationship. This summer, we’re planning a trip to Spain. No issues, except that I’m not sure how to do the money bit. On previous trips and weekends etc, we’ve always gone half and half on accommodation, and we always pay for our own flights which is what we’re doing this year. The thing is, cutting to the chase, he earns a lot more than me. He’s comfortably off and earns 3x my salary. I’m starting to feel the pinch a bit financially for various reasons and I would like to suggest that he contributes a bit more to the holiday accommodation, to reflect his much higher salary. Is this fair? I’m not a freeloader at all and as I’ve said, I’ve made a point of always going halves for most things, which he has respected. He does pay for the odd dinner if we go somewhere expensive and is not tight, I’ve just always felt more comfortable if I do my share. However, a year and a half on, I know him much better and wouldn’t now feel beholden or weird if he pays more!
I just don’t know how to broach it or what to say! Any advice?

OP posts:
Pipecleanerrevival · 05/05/2024 22:46

You’ve set a precedent and agreed to the holiday based on the precedent. I think you still need to pay half. In future if you can’t afford a trip you need to say so at the outset.

Dotdashdottinghell · 05/05/2024 22:47

Just say "My budget will have to be 60 Euro a night for accommodation, I can't really stretch more than that" and see if he offers to pay more. He has eyes in his head, surely he knows he earns a tonne more than you. I wouldn't ask, I'd let him offer, and graciously accept 😀

taleasoldashoney · 05/05/2024 22:48

If you are struggling with the cost of the holiday then you need to discuss going on a holiday that is within your budget

That way if he wants the same holiday and is happy to pay more of the costs then he can offer and if he doesn't want to do that then he needs to be prepared to do joint things within your budget

But I think outright expecting him to pay more is a bit off unless you have joint finances

Bearpawk · 05/05/2024 22:50

I wouldn't suggest he pays more. Just let him know your max budget and find something within that. Or he may offer to treat you but that's not to be expected

Francisflute · 05/05/2024 22:51

Bearpawk · 05/05/2024 22:50

I wouldn't suggest he pays more. Just let him know your max budget and find something within that. Or he may offer to treat you but that's not to be expected

This

category12 · 05/05/2024 22:52

Um, if you can't afford the holiday, I think you should say that, and call it off.

You need to be honest that you can't keep up with him on the leisure spending, and start pitching dates/activities at a level you can afford.

Fine if he offers to pay more, but I don't think you should ask or expect it.

bluetopazlove · 05/05/2024 22:52

Yes I think you should have brought it up ages ago that you couldn't match his spending and are now asking him to contribute more , not really fair for you to change the rules now .

Original poster
Fannymadams · 05/05/2024 22:52

Thanks both. It’s difficult, I’m a spender by nature and don’t like not doing stuff but I need to be careful with my money in a way that he doesn’t (or not as much). I also don’t want to dampen the holiday by having to stay in less nice places which he probably wouldn’t choose. I know he wouldn’t want to make me feel uncomfortable but he hasn’t offered to pay more (which if I’m honest might start to slightly rub at me if I let it)
I think you’re right, Dotdasdottinghell, that might be the way to go….

OP posts:
Original poster
Fannymadams · 05/05/2024 22:56

Thanks for the responses. Yes, I see that I need to be upfront about the £££. and then we go from there.

Very useful to get everyone’s take…

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 05/05/2024 22:57

You can't do that op.

If he wants to treat you knowing that you earn less, that's up to him. Not fair or right if you to ask or even think it.

If you can't ti afford to live the lifestyle he wants and can afford to lead, then you need to tell him. It is then up to him whether he wants to sub you, or find someone in his lane.

Talipesmum · 05/05/2024 22:58

Fannymadams · 05/05/2024 22:52

Thanks both. It’s difficult, I’m a spender by nature and don’t like not doing stuff but I need to be careful with my money in a way that he doesn’t (or not as much). I also don’t want to dampen the holiday by having to stay in less nice places which he probably wouldn’t choose. I know he wouldn’t want to make me feel uncomfortable but he hasn’t offered to pay more (which if I’m honest might start to slightly rub at me if I let it)
I think you’re right, Dotdasdottinghell, that might be the way to go….

I think you need to be clear what you can do on your budget. If he and you go down the 50/50 route it has to be a 50 that you are happy to spend by yourself, not you getting swept along and aiming for something more than you can afford. If he wants to do something nicer then he’ll need to pay for it. But it’s risky how you do this - it could very easily come across as quite grabby. “Oh if ONLY I could afford this nice hotel, oh well I’m sure we’ll be ok in the slightly grubby one”. You have to be honest and upfront about it. I do think it would be good for him to offer more - I’m the higher earner and I’ve always been v happy to pool money for this sort of thing from an early stage - but you don’t want to just slide gradually into it.

InSpainTheRain · 05/05/2024 23:03

If it's booked I don't see how you can ask foe him to pay more now. However for anything not booked open the conversation with the fact that you need to look at cheaper places because you need to be a but careful with money. He may offer to pay more to get the place he wants which is perfectly fine to accept I think.

Original poster
Fannymadams · 05/05/2024 23:04

Thanks Talipesmum. Yes, I’d much rather be upfront about it, and happy to do so. I’d hate to be seen as grabby. We are both open and honest with each other about things, I suppose I just find this awkward and am unsure how to best handle it, plus the slight pressure of not wanting to spoil the trip.

When you say you think it would be good for him to offer more but not slide into it, can I ask what you mean by that?

OP posts:
Original poster
Fannymadams · 05/05/2024 23:09

Ah it’s not all booked yet InSpainTheRain, so I wouldn’t be trying to change the terms of something already agreed. That would definitely be dodgy! We’re looking at choosing places atm so it’s down to me to say ‘I can’t do that..’

OP posts:
Talipesmum · 05/05/2024 23:15

Fannymadams · 05/05/2024 23:04

Thanks Talipesmum. Yes, I’d much rather be upfront about it, and happy to do so. I’d hate to be seen as grabby. We are both open and honest with each other about things, I suppose I just find this awkward and am unsure how to best handle it, plus the slight pressure of not wanting to spoil the trip.

When you say you think it would be good for him to offer more but not slide into it, can I ask what you mean by that?

I think I mean don’t assume he’ll realise you can’t afford it (if you’re looking at somewhere more expensive) and that him looking at pricey places is a tacit agreement he’d pay more. Or start looking beyond your budget at things, then pull back. It’s when you said you “don’t want to dampen the holiday” - implies you’re maybe already looking at too-expensive options. Apologies if that’s not right!

It’s really hard to talk finances like this, and tbh as the higher earner he might be either thinking “hope she doesn’t start wanting me to pay for her, I like our equal 50/50 split” or “I don’t want to embarrass her by offering, we always go even”. Or he might just be thinking “lalala holidays are nice”. Just be upfront.

gamerchick · 05/05/2024 23:22

You tell him imo that you cant afford the holiday this year and would it be possible to put it off until next year so you can save and go somewhere cheaper this year in this country.

You started the keeping up with him thing. It's time to end it.

Grendell · 05/05/2024 23:23

You need to say something about your travel budget being exhausted. If he offers to pay more, then great. But then if he doesn't offer, you're also learning something.

Fizzib · 05/05/2024 23:28

I agree with pp, you just need to tell him what your budget can stretch to and this will mean he either agrees to stay in a cheaper place /do less things OR he will offer to pay a bit more. Hopefully he will do the latter, but you can’t really control that.

Either way you need to be very clear that you can’t afford to keep up with him from now on. Then leave it with him to decide how he proceeds with holidays/nights out etc.

Shinyandnew1 · 05/05/2024 23:29

I would like to suggest that he contributes a bit more to the holiday accommodation, to reflect his much higher salary. Is this fair?

No, that isn’t fair at all. You need to say, I can afford xyz or I won’t be able to come. You can’t suggest he just pays more.

sammylady37 · 06/05/2024 06:38

Shinyandnew1 · 05/05/2024 23:29

I would like to suggest that he contributes a bit more to the holiday accommodation, to reflect his much higher salary. Is this fair?

No, that isn’t fair at all. You need to say, I can afford xyz or I won’t be able to come. You can’t suggest he just pays more.

Agreed. I would take a very dim view of someone who thought they could suggest how I spend my money.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 06/05/2024 06:45

No you can’t suggest he pays more you can control what you spend without trying to spend someone else’s money…

“but he hasn’t offered to pay more (which if I’m honest might start to slightly rub at me if I let it)” is giving me the ick about you

Why do you think he should pay more and you not stay within budget?

AuntieJoyce · 06/05/2024 06:48

I know he wouldn’t want to make me feel uncomfortable but he hasn’t offered to pay more (which if I’m honest might start to slightly rub at me if I let it)

Not sure what you mean by this. Do you think he should pay more because he earns more?

WoodBurningStov · 06/05/2024 06:51

You're not married or living together so I'd. it expect him to pay more. But if you can't afford it then you need to speak up.
Have a conversation with him, explain what your budget is.

RetroTotty · 06/05/2024 06:55

You need to say something about your travel budget being exhausted
I Iike this approach.

Original poster
Fannymadams · 06/05/2024 07:13

okay, some good advice here and I think being upfront about my side is only fair to him. We’ll have the conversation.

The him contributing more thing shouldn’t be seen as off. If I was the far bigger earner going away with my partner, I’d happily pay more. I get that I can’t overtly ask him, and it’s not down to me, but I know if it was me I’d offer. I think Talipesmum has it spot on.

OP posts: