How to broach money issue with newish DP?

[Fannymadams]

I’ve been in a relationship with a man for 18 months, met online, both divorced and in our 50s. We’re very happy and I feel lucky to have met him, we’ve both met each others families, and we spend a fair amount of time together. It’s a good relationship. This summer, we’re planning a trip to Spain. No issues, except that I’m not sure how to do the money bit. On previous trips and weekends etc, we’ve always gone half and half on accommodation, and we always pay for our own flights which is what we’re doing this year. The thing is, cutting to the chase, he earns a lot more than me. He’s comfortably off and earns 3x my salary. I’m starting to feel the pinch a bit financially for various reasons and I would like to suggest that he contributes a bit more to the holiday accommodation, to reflect his much higher salary. Is this fair? I’m not a freeloader at all and as I’ve said, I’ve made a point of always going halves for most things, which he has respected. He does pay for the odd dinner if we go somewhere expensive and is not tight, I’ve just always felt more comfortable if I do my share. However, a year and a half on, I know him much better and wouldn’t now feel beholden or weird if he pays more!
I just don’t know how to broach it or what to say! Any advice?

My Dp actually earns less than me however last year when we found a holiday we both loved, I was upfront that it was too expensive as I have a lot of other outgoings. He immediately offered to pay a significant chunk and paid the rest on an interest free credit card so I paid a small agreed amount against the holiday every month. Was really kind of him and I didn’t expect it, thought we’d just get a cheaper hotel. We booked again this year and i am paying my full share as things have improved for me. I think you will have to wait for the next holiday to be upfront however if you are not going to an all inclusive then if you are looking at other stuff like excursions / restaurants you can perhaps state your spending budget?

Why should he offer to pay more? You need to clear about your budget. If he doesn't like the options within the budget and offers to pay more to stay somewhere nicer, then fine (as long as you're comfortable with that).

I'm sorry but just expecting it off the bat sounds pretty grabby. You don't live together, he's your boyfriend, not your partner.

I would be bit careful with your attitude, because it comes across like now you've got him and you have waited, you want to change the rules and expect to freeload, which isn't very attractive.

Much better to stay within your budget, unless he offers of course. But imo it should be that way round.

I don’t think you should ask him to pay more, you will just have to be blunt and tell him what your budget for holidays, eating out etc. is.

If he offers to pay more than fine, but you shouldn’t ask.

Sounds as though you are hoping he'll sub you regularly.

He may be prepared to do that all of the time he may not. He might be happy to do it this time but not regularly. He might be happy to lend you the money but expect you to pay him back. Or expect you to contribute more in other ways. He may be happy to go halves with you and do more expensive trips with other people. He may be happy to pay more but he decides how that money is spent.

I agree you sound as though you expect him to pay more just because he earns more. That's one thing when you're partners living together and doing bills. It's another when you're GF and BF and planning holidays.

I hope it works out for you both.

This still sounds like you want him to pay more!

Agreed!

I think the poor guy is in a no win situation. If she speaks up and the status quo is maintained then I think it’s clear she’ll feel a bit of resentment towards him for not offering to pony up more money than she is.

Why do so many people on MN just presume that everyone else would automatically do what they do without ever discussing those expectations?! Why?!

Just say to him my budget is X amount or that you cannot afford the overpriced hotel. I don't understand why that is so hard. You cannot expect him to behave according to your own pretermined code without voicing that expectation to him and then resent him for not behaving in the way you never actually asked him to.

It's easy to say 'if I earned more, I'd pay more' when you don't. You have no idea of his outgoings or priorities for his money. What he chooses to spend on himself and his holidays is his business. He's not beholden to sub you because you have a lower paid job. I'm afraid you do sound grabby OP. Just tell him your budget and that's that. You're not entitled to his money because he has more than you.

The him contributing more thing shouldn’t be seen as off.

Yes, it should. It’s his money to decide what to do with, not yours. It sounds rather like you feel you’ve paid your way and waited long enough now, that it’s time you deserved him to start paying for you.

'If I earned more, I'd pay more'

Great. Then choose someone next time who earns less than you so that you can do that for them.

No?

I don’t think you should have started the keeping up with him. You’ve done it now so all you can do is say ‘ I’m sorry I miscalculated, I can’t afford that now.’ And see if he offers. If he doesn’t and there’s nowhere you like within your budget just you’d rather not go.

Op getting slated for hoping he’ll treat her a bit more. A lot of men will pay for dating and holidays quite happily. A lot of women are also happy to let them. It’s only unusual on mumsnet. She’s gone about it the wrong way if that’s what she wants though because she’s started off as 50/50 chick.

I’m happy to be upfront about needing to spend less and we’ll be having that conversation. To be clear, I do not expect him to pay more. I was simply going to ask him (in what I thought was an upfront pragmatic way - not simpering and hoping he’d read my mind and offer 🙄) because to me that seemed like an option. He earns more, just a fact. I don’t think I saw it as being so loaded or weird but reading the responses though, it seems others disagree. I’ll simply explain my situation and we’ll go from there.

Agree.

When I first met my husband I earns about 3 times more than him. I’d have been really upset if he expected me to pay more for the accommodation because I earned more. We just set a budget and went from there.

Now we are married everything is joint so it doesn’t matter anymore that I earn more.

The answer to this is pretty straightforward. You show him the sort of accommodation which is within your budget range, and for which you are able to pay 50%. If he is happy with that, great. If he would prefer to stay somewhere more luxurious or expensive than that, he pays the additional cost above the proportion you can afford.

if you are a spender by nature you need to change your ways instead of asking him to subsidise you.

You've been dating him for 18 months, you should be able to tell him my budget is X. Then it's up to him if he wants to offer to pay more... and you can then decide if you're comfortable with him paying more.

I never get why the folks who want paying for always say this.

op, you’re boyfriend and girlfriend, you can’t ask him to partly pay for you to go on holiday. You should not have said you would go if you can’t afford it.

you can say I can’t afford Spain, so we need to fund something a little cheaper closer to home, or cancel, sorry I misrepresented, I just got carried away. The fact he earns more doesn’t mean you’re entitled to his money

Friend of mine went to centre parcs last year with her bf. They had agreed to cook for a reason I don't want to share but not related to money. This was within her budget. All good. Then he basically insisted they had to have bikes. He had a van so took his bikes. Hers didn't fit as she has a small car so she had to hire one. He then paid for lunch one day when she thought they were eating in the villa then the next day said they were eating lunch out again and it was her turn to pay. So she went over budget and he earns about 10 x more than her so it was very stressful for her.
This year she is spending a lot on his birthday weekend away, which she is happy to do but he wants to go to centre parcs again. He has mentioned it several times and each time she has said she would be happy to go but does not have any money for this.
He initially said he would take a friend of his who also had lots of money. Fine. Now that friend can't make it so he has mentioned her going again but she is sticking to her guns and saying she can't afford it. So she will go if he pays but not go if he doesn't. She is happy with either option. But under no circumstance would she say I fancy a holiday to x can you pay for it as you earn more? She is being honest about what she can afford. It's hard being in a relationship where one earns more as it can out the lower earning partner under a lot of financial pressure!

I was simply going to ask him (in what I thought was an upfront pragmatic way - not simpering and hoping he’d read my mind and offer 🙄) because to me that seemed like an option.

You were ‘simply’ going to ask him to pay more for your holidays rather than just telling him that was out of your budget?!

@Daisy12Maisie i think this is where consideration comes into play. It’s good your friend is sticking to her guns but surely if you can afford to treat your partner you should. I earn more than dp but he paid part of my holiday so I wouldn’t get stressed as that year I had alot of financial outgoings. I made sure I tried to treat him on the trip when we were outside of the all inclusive resort and paid for a few meals and other bits for his kids who came too. Your friends partner doesn’t sound too sensitive to her needs or generous. I think these kinds of gestures to partner are important otherwise they are being treated like a girlfriend / boyfriend which is alot different.