Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Regret breakup

44 replies

PlainJane12388 · 05/05/2024 21:47

I'm in so much pain 4 months on from breaking up with my fiancee and I could really do with some advice. I don't know if I've made the right decision and it's eating me up.

The reason for the split was that he has a 17 yo daughter who suffers from extreme anxiety. She needs to be driven to and from college, has daily panic attacks, self harms, calls and messages her father constantly. After my exdp proposed I started to panic about our future. I didn't feel that I could deal with her issues, that living all together (I have 2 sons) would be too hard. I really struggled to visualise our future together. If I'm honest I'd begun to resent and dislike her - I in no way let her know this although I suspect my ex had an inkling.

Just to clarify I believe her issues had begun relatively young - I want to say 12 - and had slowly been getting worse. As far as I am aware her parents did nothing to address her problems until really recently (she now has a therapist but does not engage with it much). I am very frustrated that my partner was not more active in getting her the help she needed and I feel him and the mother have let it get too far.

But I miss him so much. He is the kindest, most gentle man. He truly adored me and I him. Although our relationship wasn't perfect it really felt very special and I think about him and miss him constantly. When we split up he said that we could try taking a step back- that we didn't need to move in / get married etc. I just feel like it's gone too far, it got to the point where I hated spending time with his daughter. I don't know how we could have a relationship if I feel like that.

I'm right aren't I? I just wish things could be different. The heartbreak is unbearable and it feels like it's getting worse and worse. I've been so close to begging for him back 😩

OP posts:
TheSnowyOwl · 05/05/2024 21:51

You don’t like his child. His child has a lot of issues that means she needs to be his priority. Don’t start to a new relationship with him.

Original poster
PlainJane12388 · 05/05/2024 21:55

@TheSnowyOwl yes I know. I just wish it wasn't the case. I want him to prioritise her. I just love and miss him. I need the strength to stay away

OP posts:
TheSnowyOwl · 05/05/2024 21:58

It probably feels so difficult right now because it’s so recent but I’m sure you will look back in time and see it was the right thing.

Ofcourseshecan · 05/05/2024 22:08

I really feel for you, OP.

It sounds as if your ex’s DD isn’t getting any useful treatment. She can’t continue long term in the state she’s in. Is there any way you can discuss this with your ex, to try to find some better options that he could then discuss with her mother? DD’s life sounds unbearable.

I know it’s not your responsibility. You have to look after yourself and DSs. So sad that anxiety is ruining life for her and all those around her.

Sending you a hug. I hope DD gets the right treatment to recover, and you find happiness again.

Original poster
PlainJane12388 · 05/05/2024 22:14

@Ofcourseshecan thank you! I was actually the one who pushed for him to find her a therapist (don't know why it hadn't occurred to the parents - I think cost was an issue)

I sent him links to articles, books, podcasts. I tried to suggest different tactics. He would thank me but not really do much about it. I got the impression he thought I was overly critical and pushy. He was more 'head in sand' - said she would grow out of it. Whereas I'm a 'fixer'. His inaction was quite stressful for me. I think he was very caring, kind and patient with her but it didn't extend to taking action to help deal with the bigger issue

OP posts:
LuckyLinda3 · 05/05/2024 22:32

Hi @PlainJane12388 ...sounds so difficult for you all. What have things been like since you separated...do you hear from him at all.

Original poster
PlainJane12388 · 05/05/2024 22:35

@LuckyLinda3 thanks. We did talk for the first few months but he said it was too difficult for him. I haven't heard a word in 2 months. I miss him desperately - it's real grief, like half of me has died. We both said we'd always love one another 😥

OP posts:
LuckyLinda3 · 05/05/2024 22:38

Aw I'm so sorry, its so difficult. I hope you have support and are being kind to yourself.
It's obviously a very stressful time for your ex and understandable that he is prioritising his daughter.

Original poster
PlainJane12388 · 06/05/2024 07:01

At least it's reassuring to hear others think I've made the right decision. He always made out like her issues were of no consequence to me or our relationship. He downplayed her anxiety and made me feel like I was overreacting and/or being really unreasonable.

I ended up feeling bad for not warming to her as I felt I should. It's just hard to like someone when you realise their actions will ultimately lead to you having to lose the love of your life 😔 It made me feel like a bad person - on top of everything else.

I hope I don't have to feel sad for too much longer

OP posts:
OligoN · 06/05/2024 07:07

I’m really confused here, you extricated yourself from a difficult decision and now you’re wondering whether to jump back in?

You wish things were different, but they aren’t.
I think you just have to accept it takes time and spending time thinking about him is a waste. The right man at the wrong time is the wrong man.

OligoN · 06/05/2024 07:08

And You actively not liking his child is a huge thing.

Soñando25 · 06/05/2024 07:23

This is sad as your ex DP sounds lovely, but I also think that you made the right decisión and that you will feel better with time. It was absolutely right to consider the effect on your 2 sons had you all lived together, as the poor girl's anxiety does sound very bad at the moment. You're also right that ex DP needs to be more pro active in helping his daughter. It's lovely that he's supporting her as much as he is, but these problems need to be addressed with professional help as well.

Original poster
PlainJane12388 · 06/05/2024 07:29

@OligoN I guess I wasn't that confident that it was the right decision. He was trying to convince me that we could keep our relationship separate from his home life - it made me doubt myself.

Also, I'm desperately in love with him. I feel like we could have tried harder. But I guess deep down I know I've done the right thing. I'm an overthinker - I always doubt my decisions. Do you never overanalyse or doubt your decision making? If so then I'm very jealous of your mindset!

OP posts:
Original poster
PlainJane12388 · 06/05/2024 07:32

@OligoN thank you for this: "The right man at the wrong time is the wrong man" that's a really helpful thought

OP posts:
Original poster
PlainJane12388 · 06/05/2024 07:35

@OligoN he also kept saying that it was a phase and that she would grow out of it / become independent one day. Others might have been more patient than me I guess

OP posts:
MollyButton · 06/05/2024 07:40

Unlike previous posters I have dealt with children with high anxiety. And I can say that time is the only thing that really helps. Time for them to start seeking a solution.

I also think introducing a new "blended " family would have been the worse thing for her.

As for you, just keep getting on with your life. It was an impossible situation. Get on with having fun with your sons.

BoundaryGirl3939 · 06/05/2024 07:41

Remind yourself why you walked away. His daughter will always play a huge part in his life and you won't be first place. You wont have him to yourself. Can you handle that? His daughter may never recover, God love her.
I would write down the reasons for ending it and start afresh single.

Chausson · 06/05/2024 07:45

The fact he downplayed the poor girls anxiety and she had got to the point of self harming and made out you were over reacting and the fact her parents did nothing about her MH. He does not sound like a decent parent at all nor a kind man. I actually think he sounds like a negligent parent.

No one can stop their child having MH issues but they can try and get them help. Sometimes those children will not co operate but to not even try.

Hibye23289 · 06/05/2024 07:54

Leaving someone you love is one of the hardest things ever and I don't think it gets spoken about enough. Sometimes it seems like well the woman left she will be happy and be glad she got rid and live a wild life but no. I ended my marriage due to half of my husband having a good heart and loving me and the kids but the other half he was childlike, wreckless with money and lied about it. The torment and being torn is soo hard isn't it. Did he know it was because of his daughter that you split? At the end of the day he could have done more and you have put your children first. 2 years I was crying and confused and I am finally feeling healed so it will come op

Original poster
PlainJane12388 · 06/05/2024 07:58

@Chausson yes I really struggled with this. I know he's a good man but he seemed to have a block regarding this - almost not wanting to accept how bad it was. He genuinely believed that she would one day (in the not too far future) have a partner, get a job and gain independence. I was sceptical to say the least.

I always felt like he was making me out to be unreasonable. That I just had to accept the situation and be patient. It made me feel awful.

He felt that he was trying hard to help her. That he was doing all he could. To me it looked like he flip flopped from one tactic to another. I think he was just pretty confused about how to help. If I'm honest though I think in his shoes I would have tried harder and been more consistent.

I did gently try to suggest that parenting techniques may have played a part in her deterioration but he had absolutely no self-critical thoughts regarding the part he played.

OP posts:
Original poster
PlainJane12388 · 06/05/2024 08:01

@Hibye23289 thank you so much. It's so so hard. It doesn't feel good at all. Just regret and sadness. I'm just worried that it seems to be getting worse not better. It's encouraging to hear you finally came out the other end. Although 2 years is a long time to be sad 😔

OP posts:
Original poster
PlainJane12388 · 06/05/2024 08:02

@Hibye23289 yes he did know the split was about his daughter

OP posts:
Original poster
PlainJane12388 · 06/05/2024 08:05

@BoundaryGirl3939 thank you. I would never expect to be first in a relationship with a dad. In just the same way my kids will always come first. I think getting on with each others kids is paramount. I feel very guilty that I didn't like or want to be around his daughter.

OP posts:
Hairybittercress89 · 06/05/2024 08:21

Op you have done the right thing.

And your ex has done the right thing too by focusing on his dd. He doesn’t sound negligent to me at all if he is driving her to college and responding to constant texts etc. The dd sounds as though she can trust him with her problems.

And sorry but when a child is suffering, it’s right that adult relationships go on the back burner.

Besides, I don’t know how old your sons are, but I am not convinced that blended families ever work very well with older teens. And it definitely wouldn’t help his dd’s anxiety atm to move in together.

I am not saying it isn’t very real, but her anxiety in a way has served its purpose inasmuch as the dd is finding adolescence hard and she needs more parental help to navigate the transition to adulthood. It has forced her dad to focus on her.

And who knows, if the prospect of blending families was upsetting for the dd, as it was something she had absolutely no control over, her anxiety has provided a way in which her voice can be heard. And sorry but that’s no bad thing imho.

This sounds harsh but you sound almost jealous of the time your ex spends with his dd and the attention that he focuses on her.

Personally, I don’t understand why you would not be content stepping back and living in your separate houses and only meeting up for dates and the odd weekend away while you are both raising your dc, but if you dislike his dd as much as you say you do, perhaps it is better to have a clean break as she will always be in his life.

You could always make an agreement with your ex to have a proper break but then check in with one another in three or five years time (assuming that you are both still single) and see what has changed at that point, if anything, as your respective dc may have left home by then and you might both be in a better position to commit to one another?

BoundaryGirl3939 · 06/05/2024 08:26

I think it's normal to resent stepchildren/stepparents but we're supposed to act like everything is hunky dory and blended families work. Most of the time they don't deep down.
This situation is too complicated and you won't be happy. Walk away.