Regret breakup

[PlainJane12388]

I'm in so much pain 4 months on from breaking up with my fiancee and I could really do with some advice. I don't know if I've made the right decision and it's eating me up.

The reason for the split was that he has a 17 yo daughter who suffers from extreme anxiety. She needs to be driven to and from college, has daily panic attacks, self harms, calls and messages her father constantly. After my exdp proposed I started to panic about our future. I didn't feel that I could deal with her issues, that living all together (I have 2 sons) would be too hard. I really struggled to visualise our future together. If I'm honest I'd begun to resent and dislike her - I in no way let her know this although I suspect my ex had an inkling.

Just to clarify I believe her issues had begun relatively young - I want to say 12 - and had slowly been getting worse. As far as I am aware her parents did nothing to address her problems until really recently (she now has a therapist but does not engage with it much). I am very frustrated that my partner was not more active in getting her the help she needed and I feel him and the mother have let it get too far.

But I miss him so much. He is the kindest, most gentle man. He truly adored me and I him. Although our relationship wasn't perfect it really felt very special and I think about him and miss him constantly. When we split up he said that we could try taking a step back- that we didn't need to move in / get married etc. I just feel like it's gone too far, it got to the point where I hated spending time with his daughter. I don't know how we could have a relationship if I feel like that.

I'm right aren't I? I just wish things could be different. The heartbreak is unbearable and it feels like it's getting worse and worse. I've been so close to begging for him back 😩

Yes but time flies when your lifes falling apart 🤣

Joking but it did go quick and I also had to go on tablets to help. It is hard, it's like you want someone to make the decision for you because the battle and doubt in your mind is so tormenting and it is being in love with the potential "if only this didn't happen it would all be good" but it is happening and he could have done more. At the end of the day sometimes you need to take a step back and let whatever will be, be.

That’s very sad. She’s not doing it on purpose, she’s unwell. Her actions haven’t led to you losing your relationship, your own actions did. Take responsibility, you disliked his child as she was unwell and it took to much of his time. So you binned him off. If I was him I’d stay well clear.

@Sillyjane I don't think that's quite fair. If anything I was always encouraging him to try harder and spend more time with her. I won't deny that there is some resentment there but it's directed at him as much as it is at her. Ultimately I believe it's ineffective parenting that has led to this - I don't really blame her at all. But his parenting has created an anxious, overly needy, co-dependent teenager who I don't really want to live with!

Op, how is it not fair. I only quoted back what you said. Read your own comments. The girl is ill.

@Hairybittercress89 thanks. I think if we had maintained seperate home / love lives from the beginning then it may have worked. I actually wanted this at the beginning but he was very keen to move things forward, meet each others kids. He said he didn't want separate lives but now the relationship has ended he has changed his tune. I feel regret that I didn't set firmer boundaries around this.

I feel like it's got too far now. Too much resentment and bitterness 😔

@Sillyjane because you said "it took to much of his time. So you binned him off" This is not true at all. If anything I wanted him to spend more time helping her

Ok then the rest was correct. You did however indicate you resented her lack of independence and the fact he had to drive her about. Either way you binned him off as he has an unwell daughter you disliked.

@Sillyjane I don't resent that he drives her around. That was just an example of how extreme her anxiety is. I couldn't give 2 hoots who he gives lifts to - doesnt impact me at all

Give him a call and see how he is doing. Maybe moving in together/marriage was too much at this point as he had so much on. No harm in having a catch up

I think all things can be true at once, which can make it hard to get over and move on from.

He's lovely. The relationship was good otherwise. The daughter requires a lot of support and may need this for some time. It's difficult with her and you don't enjoy it. You need to think of yourself and your kids.

No real advice but it might be time to start looking ahead and working on your future away from this.

Thank you @Kerflapperty I think focusing on the future is right. I'm trying too I'm just having very regular wobbles! Everything reminds me of him - I'm holding back tears most of the day 😢. I've just committed myself to lots over the weekends so hopefully that will help🤞

I've just split with someone, I could forsee some of this in my future and decided to call it early enough. Its me with the kids, and in this situation, I know he wouldn't have been able to either handle it, or handle me when I'm stressed out dealing with it.

So what I said rings true for me too. Lovely guy, secure, honest, trustworthy, great fun, great sex etc but we as a couple still wouldn't have coped with the reality of teenagers and menopause colliding. It's sad, but it's also liberating that I don't have to worry about it anymore.

@Kerflapperty sorry, sounds like you've had it tough too. Dating as a single parent is so hard, and in ways I hadn't even imagined. It sounds like you've found peace though - hopefully I will too soon

I'm definitely having a massive break from it. If I meet someone, they really would have to fit the bill in terms of fitting into my life away from the kids etc.

I disagree with most. You had something good and that is hard to find. I would message him. Explain how you feel, he may be the same. Not knowing is a killer and you will always be thinking what if.

I did a second try and it didn't work, it was in part because the what if was eating at me. But the dynamic was kind of off from the get go, something changed and it was nothing I could name.

So I don't disagree with the above, but it has meant 2 rounds of heartache.

I know it is so hard at the moment but I personally wouldn't go back. I went through something similar recently and with time and hindsight I can see that the relationship wasn't as good as I thought.

It sounds like staying in that relationship would have meant you taking on some kind of responsibility for his daughter probably a thankless task if the parenting she received has caused her to be like that.
I personally would not label her as ill. Anxiety gets worse when kids are enabled to avoid things and not pushed (gently) to take responsibility for themselves. Watching this happen would be infuriating to me.

It was one of the most painful things that happened to me and I wish you lots of healing (couldn't think how to phrase that but hopefully you know what I mean 😊)

@IRockdontyaknow oh that sounds very familiar. I am infuriated! I feel her parents have always molly coddled her tbh but I just couldn't get him to see a correlation between his parenting and her anxieties. I really feel for her - I wouldn't have let my daughter suffer the way she has 😪

I think if he had actually realised this and then took actions to remedy it then we might have worked but I don't think he will ever take any responsibility for the situation.

Thinking of it like this is helpful though. Makes me realise that our values are quite different.

@IRockdontyaknow and thank you for your kind words. It really makes such a difference. I've felt so alone with this - noone I know can really relate