Struggling to love unborn babies Daddy

[Sheth86]

Oh girls please help me, my head is like mush. I'm 8 weeks pregnant and I can't determine between how I really feel and my hormones right now.

I went on holiday and met with my online gaming friend down in Cornwall (I live in Northamptonshire). We had the most lovely week and one thing led to another and we had sex and got romantic. When I left I definitely felt sad to be leaving him etc.

Then I found out I was pregnant.

He then came to visit me for a week and that's when I told him. He took it well, but straight away saying he would move in with me etc which kind of freaked me out. He has three kids by three different ladies down in Cornwall 😬 I was suprised he would leave his kiddies so willingly. That week I didn't really feel the same about him, he was just annoying me being needy, making comments if I wanted to sit separately to strecth out etc a bit needy etc but I put it down to my hormones and just being overwhelmed.

Ever since I'm just overwhelmed with how many messages he bombards me with and how sulky he gets sometimes. No easy way to say it, but he just doing my head in. Long distance is hard especially with this situation.

He plans to come to baby scan in two weeks time and spend 4 nights at mine again, part of me thinks this will be the decider for me. I want to try and let down barriers. He knows how I feel and plans to take me on dates etc to try and concentrate on us.

I'm not sure what I'm asking really. I just feel overwhelmed. I feel trapped. I want this baby, I don't want an abortion. But now I feel like I have to make this relationship work. What happens if I don't. I have a ten year old that I've bought up on my own for like 8 years so I know I can do it on my own.

I suppose I just want your ladies help rationalising this for me and a bit of advice how to handle it when he is down. He wanted to come for longer than four days but I made some excuses so it's not too long and too overbearing etc I feel like this dilemea is ruining the pregnancy experience that will be my last feeling it being 37 xx

I feel embarrassed posting this xx

You definitely don't have to love this man.
You don't owe him love, let alone anything else.
You may feel like it would be nice if you could love him and make a go of creating a family together, but there is zero imperative.

You have an older child yourself. You're right ‐it is really shocking that he would be prepared to leave his previous 3 children seemingly at the drop of a hat in order to join you in Northamptonshire. But not surprising. In fact, he has form for this, having done it twice before.

A sulking man is possibly the most pathetic, off-putting thing imaginable. It's a complete joy-sucker and often indicative of further significant red flags such as 'hard luck' stories, blaming and shaming, inability to take responsibility or to move on, all the way to bad tempers and anger management issues.

I'd run a mile from any kind of relationship with this man. Don't minimise your gut feeling: it's there for a reason, and never more so than during pregnancy. Your hormones know and are trying to protect you on a most basic, earthy, physical level by letting you feel repelled by him. Thank your body and your hormones and take their advice and walk away.

I wouldn't rely on him in any way, OP. He's not a good partner or a good father, planning to abandon three children with different women. And why take on a needy, demanding man when you're about to have another baby to look after?

Best of luck to you and DD and the expected baby, who will only need to be loved and wanted by you.

You ladies are amazing. I really felt like I was being a bad person, mum for feeling these feelings xx

You don’t have to love him or have a relationship with him.

Whether or not you keep the baby is your business but you need to run away from this dude.

You also need to be very wary of him. I mean including you he’ll have 4 x 4 kids and wants to move in with you already? He’s already driving you up the wall with messages and behaving like a sulky man child when he’s not getting his own way. He sounds like a cocklodger who will wind you down and then move on to his next victim at the first available opportunity.

Personally I’d be communicating about the baby and nothing else.

Listen to your gut. You are prioritising your child, unborn baby, and yourself - you don’t need to justify keeping the baby, or not entering into a relationship with this man.

Please do a ‘Claire’s Law’ disclosure (speak with a local domestic abuse service around this as I believe it would be most beneficial to request this information from Devon and Cornwall Police as information may not be uploaded centrally, plus any other areas he has lived in). There are lots of red flags in your behaviour which you have picked up on

Please also consider a ‘Sarah’s Law’ request as well.

I personally would consider whether you feel comfortable with him in your house, and where your child would stay at this time.

As ThankGod says:
I personally would consider whether you feel comfortable with him in your house, and where your child would stay at this time.

It wouldn't be advisable to introduce your DC to this man.
If you did, chances are he would love bomb your DC and nurture any little sprouting seed of 'family making' in your mind, making it harder for you to maintain objectivity when you decide how to proceed. As long as only you have met him, it'll be much easier to make a decision based on what you want. You won't have to worry about telling your DC that the 'nice man' ‐or whatever- won't be coming back.

Look at it from the perspective of if you hadn’t fallen pregnant would you have continued ‘dating’ this man if the answer is no then that tells you all you need to know.

Just because he is your child’s father doesn’t give him an entitlement to a relationship with you.

As a single parent I'd much rather be alone than in a relationship with a man I don't want to be with. See how things go but don't feel you have to be with him

Op he sounds like a serial shagger..... I would say no thanks and go no contact. You know you can raise the little one on your own x 💐❤️

Honestly and bluntly run- I personally wouldn’t even have the baby, he sounds worrying. Love bombing, moving across country, leaving his other children. You also have another child to safe guard!

Don’t put yourself under pressure that you have to love him.
Love only comes when you spend time together in real life.
When he comes down and stays for 4 days it will def be a decider but it really sounds like your mind is made up and I don’t blame you!
He is a bad parent in my eyes if he can so easily leave his 3 children. 3 Different women too! I think you are seeing the red flags already.

OP, l wonder what the three women who had children with him would have to say about him? I'm guessing they would not be providing glowing character references. He can't be much of a father if he's willing to move away and leave his other children behind.
You are already feeling under pressure from him and your gut feeling is warning you loud and clear that this man is bad news. Please listen, you are quite within your rights to end the relationship with him and keep any further communicate solely about the baby.

Thanks everyone.

He does have his son every Saturday, his two girls hit and miss. Surely they wouldn't let him see the kids if he was any threat. You have all confirmed my gut feelings so thank you for that. I have alot to think about. I don't think I'd be with him still if it wasn't for baby.

I am starting to get emotional and frustrated knowing he will be coming up for the scan and those four days. I know he is going to want to try and woo me, try and make me feel things and ultimately try and save us. Part of me is saying let him try and hopefully ill magically feel something, other part me just feels dread having to spend that long with him. Might ask him to stay in hotel so I have some control over the situation.

He hasn't met my son xx

@Sheth86 i think it is a valid reason to say to him that it is too soon to meet DC therefore stay at hotel. He may not even come if he maybe has to fork out for a hotel but it will tell you his real intentions / give you space.
Congratulations with your pregnancy and you sound more than capable of doing this solo!

Unfortunately he knows I don't have my lad those days that week, as he off to his dad's. And thank you :) I am happy, didn't think I'd have another one at my age so I feel lucky, just need sort this crap out so I can finally fully enjoy it xxx

Be careful. Put yourself first!

Part of me is saying let him try and hopefully ill magically feel something...

This would be a disaster. I get that you're hormonal but come on! He's a whole display of red flags. You need to establish boundaries and keep him away from you.

There are no magic wands, you have to take responsibility for your own and your child(ren)'s well-being. No one else is going to or can .

Unfortunately he knows I don't have my lad those days that week,

So? You get to decide who visits you and who stays at your home.

You can simply say you don't want him to stay, your head is all over the place and you want to be peaceful on your own. You can also say you don't want him to be there for the scan.

He plans to come to baby scan in two weeks time and spend 4 nights at mine again

Does he indeed? He doesn't get to make the plans unless you let him. Take control of your life. You and your kids are worth more than this guy's whims.

@TryingAgainAgainAgain thank you, your telling me what I need to hear. I appreciate what you are saying and your completely right I do need to take control and do it on my terms x

You sound very switched on here and I think with good reason. I'm 37 too and understand the inclination to have the baby, fine.

I think separate your current situation from the fling you had in Cornwall mentally though if that makes sense.

Obviously you want to be civil, even friendly, but he doesn't sound sensible partner material and you've your son to think of .

Therefore you're going to need to start as you mean to go on with this guy NOT than give it a go as a relationship and try to pull it back if he's on about moving in with you (not a normal reaction).

Sounds like you're stressed by him and his forwardness so get your boundaries nice and firm.

I would change the plans, so he can come to the scan but stay at a hotel.

I'd be quite straight forward and say you need to figure this out realistically and want to start on a friends/coparents footing rather than a relationship as the logistics are so tricky and he has his other kids to consider. Make clear this doesn't mean he won't be able to see the child, but you would like to take the idea of a relationship off the table and both concentrate on the baby.

If he reacts badly then that saves you a lot of time discovering his character. If he reacts well, great

You've got this

Sorry, that was assuming you didn't mind him at the scan. Agreed it's fine not to have him there if you want

Jesus Christ do you want to be linked to this man forever? I'd be rethinking this pregnancy.

This is amazing advice thank you. I'm going to do that xx

Could he be wanting to get away from the "pressures" of three women and kids in Cornwall?

Just say you don't want a relationship with him, it was a mistake, and you are going to move on with your life. I am guessing he won't argue back. Tell him before he comes up to yours, then block. Happy pregnancy.

He sounds an absolute wrong-un. You know next to nothing about him.

I realise yiu want another baby but you're painting such a bad picture of the father, are you not concerned the baby might take after the father?

It sounds a dreadful messy and will likely get messier.