Struggling to love unborn babies Daddy

[Sheth86]

Oh girls please help me, my head is like mush. I'm 8 weeks pregnant and I can't determine between how I really feel and my hormones right now.

I went on holiday and met with my online gaming friend down in Cornwall (I live in Northamptonshire). We had the most lovely week and one thing led to another and we had sex and got romantic. When I left I definitely felt sad to be leaving him etc.

Then I found out I was pregnant.

He then came to visit me for a week and that's when I told him. He took it well, but straight away saying he would move in with me etc which kind of freaked me out. He has three kids by three different ladies down in Cornwall 😬 I was suprised he would leave his kiddies so willingly. That week I didn't really feel the same about him, he was just annoying me being needy, making comments if I wanted to sit separately to strecth out etc a bit needy etc but I put it down to my hormones and just being overwhelmed.

Ever since I'm just overwhelmed with how many messages he bombards me with and how sulky he gets sometimes. No easy way to say it, but he just doing my head in. Long distance is hard especially with this situation.

He plans to come to baby scan in two weeks time and spend 4 nights at mine again, part of me thinks this will be the decider for me. I want to try and let down barriers. He knows how I feel and plans to take me on dates etc to try and concentrate on us.

I'm not sure what I'm asking really. I just feel overwhelmed. I feel trapped. I want this baby, I don't want an abortion. But now I feel like I have to make this relationship work. What happens if I don't. I have a ten year old that I've bought up on my own for like 8 years so I know I can do it on my own.

I suppose I just want your ladies help rationalising this for me and a bit of advice how to handle it when he is down. He wanted to come for longer than four days but I made some excuses so it's not too long and too overbearing etc I feel like this dilemea is ruining the pregnancy experience that will be my last feeling it being 37 xx

I feel embarrassed posting this xx

Baby may take after father?!

Wow.

Without wading into the nature vs nurture debate… this child will have one loving and stable parent. The circumstances around how they came to be do not dictate their future personality.

He sounds like a nutter.

If you have the baby, fine, but under no circumstances have a relationship with him or move in with him.

Absolutely bonkers that you're even entertaining this crazy, love bombing twat.

He sounds like a nightmare OP. Def don’t allow him into your house. Reduce your communication to the bare minimum. If you fade out now he may lose interest in the baby and you can keep him out of your life for good.

This x 1000! Great post.

Please don't bring a random man into your life like this for the sake of a one night stand. Your 10 year old deserves much more. I've seen this happen recently and unless this man turns out to be mr wonderful, believe me your older child will suffer. Not being dramatic but I'm picking up the pieces of someone's bad decision making and it's really really sad.

Bear in mind- you don't have to have this baby. You have a choice. Think about your life and your existing child. Do what's best for the two of you.

Struggling to love him?? That's hardly a surprise, come now...

Did you know he had 3 kids by 3 different ladies when you decided to have unprotected sex with him? I really usually give people the benefit of the doubt, but this feels like you wanted another baby. Otherwise most women wouldn't keep it. It's not about whether you can do it on your own. This is the DC's dad. You not only don't love him, you're already feeling repelled and rightly so. You should be running a mile but you're tied to him and all of his baggage and shit for life if you go through with this.

I personally would terminate and get rid of this man before it all becomes a bit Jeremy Kyle
Doesn't sound like a good situation at all

Apart from anything else, you need an STI check.

And block this man, pronto. He's got three children already, by different women.

You should do a Clare's Law on him.

Oh another condom refuser, I have no time for them.

Sounds like the pregnancy is welcomed by both parties in this case. Op feels it's her last chance to have a baby, and he... doesn't seem to mind another child by mum no. 4.

Sounds like he’s a bit of a useless father if he only sees one child once a week, barely sees the other two, and is willing to leave them to be with someone else he’s just met. Especially seeing as you have your older child to think of I would avoid a relationship with this man altogether. Sounds as though he’s love bombing you and sounds altogether quite toxic. A LOT of red flags there.

But you sound as though you can do this yourself and that’s the way I’d proceed. Start as you mean to go on. Accept that you’ll probably be pretty much single parenting this baby rather than co-parenting. I know he’s been saying he’ll be involved, but from three previous experiences, it doesn’t sound as though he really will when things get real. But YOU can do this. And that’s what matters most. Providing a loving and stable home to your two children. Just set boundaries from the start and don’t let this man manipulate you, or walk in and out of his child’s life.

I wouldn't let him come to the scan at all.

And the four day stay afterwards - no chance.

He's love-bombing you, OP. Steer well clear.

And don't put him on the BC.

Did he go to the scan, OP?

You need to separate the relationship from the baby. Me and DP had a baby 10 months into our relationship. DD was a surprise, as in we didn't know she existed until DP went into labour.

So there we were, quite a casual couple, not living together, seeing each other 2 maybe 3 times a week, and suddenly we had this whole person connecting us forever.

We both took a step back from the relationship. Focused on learning how to be parents. About 3 weeks after she was born my Mum babysat for a couple of hours so we could go out and have a proper chat. We both agreed that this didn't mean we were trapped together forever, that we wouldn't hold it against the other if one of us wanted out of the relationship. We let the relationship build gradually, DP and DD didn't move in together until DD was around 6 months.

Am I gutted that I missed time with my daughter when she was young? Of course I am, but if that was the sacrifice needed to make sure that we're still together now, 17 years on, then I'd happily make it all over again.

You're not tied to this man just because you're pregnant OP. Depending on whether he chooses to be a parent this child, he may be in your life in some small way, but that doesn't mean you owe him a relationship. He's the father of your child. That doesn't mean he has to be your partner. You're barely dating, why would you even try to love him yet?