Fixing a relationship after an affair

[Willow868]

Husband had a 2 months affair with another woman. They had sex once and met up about 6 times talking and kissing.

Our relationship hadn't been in the best place before this happened. Having young children and trying to juggle work and mum life had burnt me out. I didn't have much time spare for him and I didn't put the effort into our relationship or him as I should have, and neither did he. (I'm not condoning his actions - just a back story)

We have 2 children together, he's very remorseful and wants me to give him another chance and I want to because I miss him and my family unit so much.

I was hoping to hear from people who have actually been in this situation whether that be the one who was cheating or who was cheated on. I know if you've never been in this situation it's easy to say 'don't take him back' because I would've probably said the same.

Things to consider,

• how is he going to show you he can be trusted in future?
  Eg: can he show you proof he has ended the affair and cut this woman out of his life? (Eg: left the job where he worked with her).
  Is he agreeing to let you have full access to his phone going forwards, no questions asked? (Just if you ever felt the need to check).

• you say you are burnt out with the kids. Why? Was he not doing his share? And if so, how does he propose to change this?

You need to see that he steps up, consistently over time, to doing his share. So that you have the energy for other things.

If his wife is exhausted, he bares some responsibility for that. He can't just blame you for letting the relationship go on the back-burner.

No sex until he can step up to family life and do his share and you feel you can rely on him again. Then the trust can perhaps be rebuilt amd the relationship.

I'd coparent for a while just and then decide based on that (amd full transparency going forwards) if it's worth re-entering a relationship.

Hi, am one year on, still with my husband. Moments of anger still get me but less and less. The relationship has changed some parts even improved.

There is no contact with the other woman unless it is essential work related. I am not happy they work in the same building and I look forward to when one of them leaves. Her husband/family dont know. I have made enough breadcrumbs available that if he were to look he would find out. Sometimes I think I should just post the screenshots to him and other times I think it's not my job to tell him.

I have become more me, have time for me, lost weight, have confidence. We are now equal partners, we go out more, the sex has improved.
He had an emotional affair that moved into mastbating over facetime together.

My upset was two fold, he disrespected our relationship.
...and he had spare time. I was renovating the house, doing all the admin, cooking, cleaning, kids, getting fat, loosing confidence. There was not one moment of free time for me

He seems genuinely remorseful and his actions reflect this.

I am stronger and not the person I was, if he were to cheat again he looses his family, & respect at work.
Xxx

It has not happened to me but I think a lot would hinge on how I found out. Did he confess of his own accord or was he caught? Is he willing to never contact this woman again? Does he understand it may take years for you to be able to trust him again? Is he willing to acknowledge he was not pulling his weight in the house if he had time for an affair and you barely had time to pay attention to him? Is he willing to rectify that? Purely from reading your post it doesn't sound like you are ready to end it. Yet.

I have. My ex wife had a fling. To this day I don’t know if sex was involved, may have been but it was an emotional affair at least.

we didn’t deal with it right. There were issues with our relationship that caused it, some my fault. I let guilt rule and was the one that forgave. But it caused trust issues from me to her and resentment later on. This did kill the marriage. Get counselling and work this together. It can be done but is tough.

Your relationship will never be the same again.

It's a whole new world now.

Do you believe in what he says about the affair?

Do you really think you can trust him again? Entrust him with your precious family unit and not betray you again? And destroy your mental peace? It's so damaging when people cheat and betray their partners.

My stbxh had an affair. I found out. Turns out he lied about the extent of the affair. Said it was emotional. It wasn't. We tried again. He later had at least three more affairs that I found out about.

I don’t know anyone who has genuinely been able to fix a relationship after cheating. One friend of mine is quite evangelical about it, says that they are stronger than ever etc and it proves you can do it - but whenever he goes away for work she is on edge and I know she tracks his location. She would never admit this and I understand why but it’s there.

I think for me it would depend on how he planned to prove he could be trusted and to whether I could truly forgive him.

If it is constantly being thrown in his face, I don't think it would work, I'm not sure I would be a person who wouldn't do this, I may still throw around the fact he had an affair in any discussion or argument. I would feel I could not be questioned about anything as, let's be honest....I didn't have an affair - type of attitude which probably would not be healthy.

I'm not sure what I would need him to do to prove his trust. I suppose it depends on how the affair evolved maybe.

I always say I will never question my DH unless he gives me reason to and I will always trust him until he gives me reason not to. I will not spend my life checking phones, emails or whereabouts - so have you sorted out in your own mind how he goes about proving his trust worthiness again?

How do you know this is the truth about the affair? Sorry, but having had a friend who lied about his affair and his wife put all the effort to rebuilding and he was oh so remorseful, only for her slowly find out more and more, now I just wouldn’t believe what a cheating man said about his affair.

Yes I’m reconciled after an affair that happened when we had preschool children and I was working full time.

BUT his affair had f all to do with me being preoccupied and burnt out (of course I was) it had everything to do with his selfishness, entitlement, his poor boundaries, communication and coping mechanisms.

I am happily reconciled and honestly I’m going through some stuff recently that makes me thankful every day that we chose the route we did as he has been incredible, but it has been HARD work.

You cannot go down a needs met narrative when reconciling. This is where so many couples come unstuck. At the end of the day, we all deal with bad times, young children, sickness, employment/financial woes, whatever but these are NEVER an excuse for ripping the personal agency, right to informed sexual consent and the emotional abuse away from a betrayed; all of this comes with infidelity. My husband personally took absolute ownership for his actions and I wouldn’t have accepted anything less.

It is your husband who needs to do some serious work. Why did he feel that his needs came ahead of his family and your right to respect and empathic treatment? Is he prepared to do ANYTHING to help you heal?

Trust can be broken by one simply action but is repaired by consistent right actions which slowly but surely help you feel safe. If he doesn’t do everything to build that sense of safety it’s a lost cause.

I genuinely believe that reconciliation can be a positive and successful solution but both parties have to be 100% on board.

My advice would be get on Surviving Infidelity, their reconciliation board is an incredible source of support and advice. ‘How to help my spouse heal from my affair’ is essential reading for you both.

There are stories of successful reconciliations out there. Mine is several years down the line now, but knowledge is power and your emotional safety and security and that of your children has to come first.

I hope what I’ve said makes sense 💐💐💐

Have a look at Ester Perel. Podcasts, book ‘The Sate of the Affair’. Lots of ideas of how couples that made it through did it.
And FB support group around her books and talks.

We're 6 months in, after husband confessed a 6 week affair.

It is harder work than I ever thought, but we are doing well.

What helped me:

Been able to ask anything about it and knowing I had the truth. I wanted detail, which in some ways I wish I didn't know but at the time was vital

Husband completely owning it. He's disappointed in himself, that he jeopardised us.

Knowing that it's 100% over and they have no contact

Full access anytime to his phone, although I don't use it.

I would follow advice above that survivinginfidelity.com is a brilliant website.

Don't expect it to be recovered from soon. I think I read 2 years, and whilst I adore and love him, I'm still healing

Anyone who claims their relationship if better after cheating is in massive denial. I don’t see the point to be honest, seems like a miserable existence.

Yes, my husband had an affair in 2010 and we are still together and happy. The first 6 months were tough going. Then things massively improved. I do not regret staying together.

I have been on the other side. I was the other woman.

I'm not proud of it, and I deeply regret hurting the people that we did. I thought it might help you see a different perspective, and I'm sorry if it causes any further upset.

I was in a 'relationship' (or whatever you choose to call it) for around 15 months-ish with a man who wasn't married but did have a long term partner and children. I was single. He repeatedly told me he would leave but never did. I was a fool for waiting for so long. So I ended it. He then told his partner about us and left. Within a few days he went back to her, telling me he couldn't bare to be apart from his children. To me, it didn't matter the reason.

He continued to message me every single day, despite apparently rebuilding his relationship with her. At first it was apologies, then he told me he didn't feel anything for me anymore and was focussing on his relationship with his partner, then a few days later he told me he had 'bury' his feelings, regardless of what he wanted. By December he was back to declarations of love. I continued to tell him we had no future as he'd gone back to her, he essentially made his bed, and now had to lie in it.

He then told her in December that he had been messaging me the entire time and couldn't continue to live that way. He moved out of their home.

The point I am trying to make is that, whilst I appreciate a lot of men have truly made a mistake by cheating and do regret it, but that the man I knew told the mother of his children to her face that he was in love with her, had made a terrible mistake (which may be true) but was still contacting me. I think you need to look really closely at his actions and how committed he is to rebuilding a life with you. It's been nearly 2 years since all of this began for me, and I cannot imagine the pain we caused his partner. Nobody 'won' in this situation, as far as I am aware they're not together, I'm single, and who knows with him.

I would really urge you to think about whether his actions show how truly sorry he is. My situation is probably different due to the length of time we cheated. But put you first, ignore what he wants, what is it you truly want? If it's a relationship where you don't have to flinch when his phone goes, or if he's late from home, then I don't think this man is for you anymore. But only you can make that decision.

Well I think essentially men who cheat are just weak. And they will do whatever is easiest for them at any given time.

Not unusual to stay with the wife and kids whilst congratulating himself for his noble sacrifice and having suffered no real consequences.

It takes strength to end a relationship the right way and live authentically. Cheaters have no integrity and no strength of character. It’s not about who they ‘love’.

Well first up he needs to take on WAAY more childcare and household duties - cleaning, cooking, food shopping etc. How come he had time for an affair while you were burning out?! You actually don't need to accept ANY responsibility in this because you didn't do anything wrong. However, if he wants to demonstrate that he's matured and isn't about to have an emotional and physical affair again, this is one area where he can demonstrate in concrete terms that he knows things weren't right with HIS actions towards you and make amends. And this would be until the children are grown up, not just a honeymoon period. He needs to make sure you're never burning out again because he's a lazy fucker.

And you can give him attention when you're not so exhausted and start to trust him. If you ever can.

I don't think this will end well as you want to go back to what you used to have, but it's a dream now. He smashed it up. So now you're looking at a new type of relationship.

I stayed the first time. At one time I thought that we had come out of it stronger.

But I think in a way because we "survived" the first affair he kind of thought I'd never leave him over infidelity, that he'd always be able to convince me to stay.

When I did eventually let go of the relationship, it was a huge relief, but it had been a long road.

You have to make the right decision for you now and that might seem like staying, and I'm sure there are people who cheat once and never do it again, but you know - he is that guy who chose to develop a relationship and fuck someone else rather than lean into the marriage.

Personally I'd never advise someone to stay.

Yeah I'd agree with @category12

It's almost as if that boundary of infidelity has been tested, broken and now, with attempted reconciliation, it is always an available option because it was accepted before, even if it was condemned by the betrayed partner.

I know three couples that have survived long term affairs - one where he cheated, two where she cheated.

Many years later they’re all happy and may think about it, but don’t talk about it.

In all cases the partner who was cheated on had ( I think) stronger feelings for the cheater and so were prepared to forgive and were desperate not to lose them. I think that is still true to this day.

There were underlying issues in all three marriages and they have been worked on. Cheating has never happened again to my knowledge.

I really think this is up to how you feel. Do you love him so much you want to work on it? Is he genuinely contrite or does he blame you? What underlying issues are there?

You can move through it but there’s a lot to unpick.

Just reiterating what pp said - how did he have time for an affair whilst you were run ragged?

So many people seem to stay in shit relationships and only consider leaving when he cheats. It's like instead of going 'oh wait, I have value and won't be treated like a maid/nanny/sex worker combo' they wait until its almost like he's showing them - that you don't have value TO HIM.

What about self love?

To get to the point where he could find time to cheat whilst his wife was exhausted. I actually think that's worse than the affair in a way. Because it implies he's had you doing the chump work like a household object for years.

I'm not sure a man who never pulled his weight with the home and kids can change. But that has to be the first things to find out if you're planning on trying again.

Essentially, do you have such little self respect that you’re willing to allow it and wait for it to happen again?

guilt might mean they behave for a while but if they know they can get away with it, the temptation will always be there and there will always be doubt in your mind.

why anyone would choose to stay in a relationship with some who shows such flagrant disrespect towards them is just mind boggling to me. If it’s for practical reasons then at least be honest about it. No relationship is stronger as a result of cheating.

Relationships after affairs can't be fixed because they're dead. But sometimes a new relationship can grow out of the corpse of the original. It's a totally different relationship, though, based on different feelings and knowledge and will never have the same simple sincerity. There's a clear before and after.

You can never again be sure he's honest. Ever. No matter how much time passes, he's proven once he'll take the selfish, abusive route of lying to and betraying you, so you cannot ever fully trust again, though over time you'll think about it less.

And they're definitively never stronger. The first relationship was poisoned to death and the new one, growing from the poisoned ground, will always be weaker.

It rarely seems worth it, but each to their own, we're all different.

Married 9 years, we have two small children. Discovered his affair in 2019. We’re still together and mostly that makes me happy but it’s been desperately painful and difficult at times. It destroyed my self confidence and self worth. That’s better now and i feel stronger. I’ll also never see him in the same way and still wonder at times about leaving. It has made me less tolerant of his weaknesses / failings / flaws. I feel like i see him with eyes wider open now.

Oh and yeah, should have said, I took him back. Should not have. I just dragged it out as I'm simply not naive enough to trust a liar again and never felt the same. Should have left him instantly, but my kids were young. If I had my time again, I'd have ended it immediately. Would have been cleaner, healthier and better. I don't have many regrets but I do regret the wasted time I spent trying to revive a corpse.

The point I am trying to make is that, whilst I appreciate a lot of men have truly made a mistake by cheating and do regret it, but that the man I knew told the mother of his children to her face that he was in love with her, had made a terrible mistake (which may be true) but was still contacting me. I think you need to look really closely at his actions and how committed he is to rebuilding a life with you

Sorry but this. The guy I know was making declarations of remorse to his wife, commitment to faithfulness, that he had now told her the full truth, they were putting in the hard work of rebuilding their relationship and all the while he was still seeing another woman, as in having a full emotional sexual affair with her. And he appeared to be one of the nice genuine guys. I just would not trust a cheater, ever, after witnessing this.