Fixing a relationship after an affair

[Willow868]

Husband had a 2 months affair with another woman. They had sex once and met up about 6 times talking and kissing.

Our relationship hadn't been in the best place before this happened. Having young children and trying to juggle work and mum life had burnt me out. I didn't have much time spare for him and I didn't put the effort into our relationship or him as I should have, and neither did he. (I'm not condoning his actions - just a back story)

We have 2 children together, he's very remorseful and wants me to give him another chance and I want to because I miss him and my family unit so much.

I was hoping to hear from people who have actually been in this situation whether that be the one who was cheating or who was cheated on. I know if you've never been in this situation it's easy to say 'don't take him back' because I would've probably said the same.

Well it’s just a bit bizarre to think that the man who has been lying to you sometimes for years on end and disrespecting you in the worst way, suddenly is now going to reveal the full truth?

what, because he got caught and told off??

It's true, and it's (selfishly) what is helping me to try and move on from him. He was lying to us both. I have no idea who he truly loved, her or me, or neither of us, but from a selfish perspective I can look forward and ask myself do I really want to be with a man who continued to lie - even after he told her about us, telling her we were over when we weren't. And I hope that's the perspective his long term partner chooses too. He was 'one of the good guys' too.

He only had sex with her once? Yeah right. Did he tell you about her because he got caught?

It also takes strength to stay and work on a relationship.

The "easy" way out, when I found out of my husbands affair would have been to split up. I certainly don't feel like I am loving an unauthentic life because we didn't.

The majority of couples just rugsweep, which is why 80% of marriages fail between 2-5 years after infidelity. It’s not easy to leave and build a new life. Easier to just go back to pretending everything is fine. And the mental gymnastics that come with trying to convince oneself the person who disrespected you and exposed you to STIs and lied repeatedly actually loves you.

denial doesn’t require much ‘strength’ IMO. But each to their own. Maybe your H is a unicorn.

I didn't want to say this. But, yep.

That’s really harsh. It does take a lot of strength to stay and work at it. I know because I’m doing it

It takes more strength to have the self respect to leave at the outset. It’s hard to make such a monumental change. But in the long run it’s worth it.

I really feel like staying and ‘trying to work through it’ is wasted energy. If you love someone you don’t cheat on them. That’s it. By all means stay for other reasons but don’t make out the relationship is stronger for it.

reconciliation is just the bargaining stage of grief.

I really hate when it gets into competitive crap about which decision is the "strong" one.

I was strong when I tried to make the relationship work and rebuild it.
I was strong when I fucked him off and became a single parent.

He, on the other hand, was weak. 😂

Put it this way. If people had faith they would go on to meet someone who actually loved them and wasn’t unfaithful. They would leave. No one would pick a cheater over a non cheater.

it’s fear that makes people stay and decisions made based upon fear are not founded in strength.

I haven’t been cheated on myself but have seen friends go through it, tying themselves in knots only for it to happen again, even years down the line.

How could you possibly know what takes more strength?

I also didnt say my relationship is stronger for it… but I don’t doubt that others feel that way. And I’d never have the audacity to disagree with them if they did.

Thank you o oracle that can look into people's heart and minds and decide why they're doing a thing.

6 years in first 5 years were so bad I cannot tell you and tbh I wanted to get my own back so I did and enjoyed every minute ….that said we are better now but I no way feel the love for him I used to

💯 well said ..very true …I’ve been through it and what you say relates

Congratulations on escaping it, anyway. I’m not saying it’s easy to stay, but I do think it’s misplaced effort and I do think it takes more courage to leave. Just my opinion.

you can bet the cheaters aren’t tying themselves up in knots working out how to ‘fix things’.

What an odd and bitter comment.

You sound a very unhappy person.
Not everything is black and white, and I do not need your (or anyone elses) approval to live mu life.

Please don't respond, your negativity is draining.

Relationships can recover from affairs.
My DH cheated on me years ago. It was a drunken one night stand. We had one DD at the time. It was awful. We broke up. But decided we'd try again. It took ages to get over it. But there are quite a few things I learned during that time:

• friends confided in me that it had happened to them or they had cheated. More than I expected and some of the most solid couples I know. Most people don't talk about it.
• go to couples therapy. Having a third party view is brilliant.
• it takes longer than you think so if you (or your DH) isn't willing to put the effort in, or if you have doubts, it might be best to move on.
• you can rebuild trust, but it takes a lot of work (which your DH has to do).
• getting over it isn't a straight line back to happiness. Some days you'll be fine, some days you won't.
• you'll have to get to a point when you need to stop throwing it in his face whenever you have an argument.

If you think you can manage all of that and you both think each other are worth all that effort then it is possible to pull things back.