How can I tell if my autistic partner loves me?

[Mytimeoneday]

I love him. But what would be the signs on his side? Or should I never expect any great declaration of love! All previous neurotypical exes have been more forthcoming so I'm confused

Autistic people / people w autism are thought to have a monotropic thinking style, where their attention is more greatly focussed on one thing - it’s been explained to me by my partner like a long attention tunnel that feels disruptive and painful when he’s pulled out of it, compared to my more multi-channel but fragmented state.

A special interest is an activity or interest that lets someone spend time in this state of deep attention and can be really calming for my partner. I think his special interest was me but imho this wanes over time as also with NT ppl - but perhaps this change can be more pronounced w alexithymic ppl? Idk beyond my own relationship, really. Can’t speak for others.

I generally get the impression many high achieving career men have autistic traits (hyperfocus can be useful) but due to social expectations for men they normally don't have problems initially meeting mates.

Plus if someone is primarily looking for a hardworking good provider they probably fit that description!

I know women partnered up with ND men (good jobs in tech) who seem to have good lives, but they have to be emotionally independent and make things run smoothly.

There's no room for any deviation or break from the norm.

One was going through a crisis period with cancer, bereavement, work bullying

her DH asked if she was OK once, then reminded her she needed to keep money coming in as he wasn't going to subsidise anything, even for a short while.

(mortgage-free, he was wealthy, and she'd always worked and paid her share).

The women seem to have a lot of emotional support from friends and family rather than their partners.

Like pps say its not like NT relationships or men are perfect.

My late father was autistic - incredibly bright and caring in many ways, but couldn't easily manage or switch gear quickly if things were slightly off kilter or not perfect or how he wanted.

It is really sad that he wasn't introduced to things like self-soothing or emotional regulation, as there just wasn't access to that help or information in his time.

Especially when a lot of life success is linked to being able to manage short term frustration and negative emotions in favour of the bigger long term picture.

Regardless of diagnosis, no one should stay in a relationship where they don’t feel loved and never see an indication of love.

You need to preface this with some. Some Autistic people. Autistic people aren't all the same, they don't all think the same. While I could say to some extent this applies to one of my Autistic DC in that he has very fixed interests he has mutliple of them, 3 special interests plus one sport he's obsessed with. Plus a large group of friends. The others dont fixate to this degree, they have multiple things they love and wide interests and you couldn't pick them out as being Autistic even if you knew them really well. This is partly because of these stereotypes. A lot of Autistic people simple dont fit them.

The best thing you can do OP is talk to him, work out if you fit together and if he can give you what you need. Don't take too many preconceived ideas into this. He might be a great person who loves you but can't give you what you need in a partner, but the same might apply to an NT guy. Its not about the neural processing someone has, it's about who you both are, how you fit together and if you do love each other whether this relationship can give you both what you need. It can't be all on you to change or compromise your needs and fit in with him. That's unsustainable. You don't just need love, you need to feel loved. That's a very reasonable boundary, dont compromise on the really important things. Maybe he can meet that, maybe he can't, but clear communication is your best shot at finding out what he feels, what he as an individual is able to give and if you can both give each other what the other needs.

@Greenwoody i think we’d probably have a lot in common. My brother has just been diagnosed with autism and the grand old age of 55, and in retrospect it’s clear my father was on the spectrum too. Whether he had an inkling of it I’ll never know. He was of the generation where any deviation from the norm was to be avoided, hidden and not talked about. We grew up in the shadow of his meltdowns, socially off kilter behaviour ( cripplingly embarrassing during teenage years). He had no idea how to self soothe either. It’s so sad that my brother has not had the benefit of an earlier diagnosis and support, and I also think that being autistic, he finds it hard to internally distance himself from our father and be critical of him, he is really enmeshed emotionally with him and quite loyal to his memory.

@EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness I did say I couldn’t speak beyond mine and my partners experience so I’m not sure what your comment refers to.

Thank you @EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness . Really good points there. We are happy and im very happy.

Autistic people / people w autism are thought to have a monotropic thinking style, where their attention is more greatly focussed on one thing. That is a stereotype. Maybe that's not how you meant it, but that is what you wrote and how you came across. You didn't qualify in some way in that paragraph to say this doesn't apply to all Autistic people or that while your partner fits the stereotype many Autistic people don't. You later speak specifically of your partner, giving an example to match your earlier point. And yes you said Idk beyond my own relationship, in a seperate paragraph after speaking specifically about your partner. None of what you wrote is inconsistent with you believing the stereotype you posted. Nor does it change what people will take from your post. The strongest point you made was the stereotype. That's what will stick in people's minds and its wrong.

You’ll need to read his user manual OP!
how on earth would anyone know if he will say, show, sing it from the roof tops that’s he loves you?

Sorry my qualification wasn’t in the right place for you!

Btw monotropism isn’t a stereotype it’s an important new theory in autism research, but whatever. These threads always go the same way I don’t know why I bother commenting.