How can I tell if my autistic partner loves me?

[Mytimeoneday]

I love him. But what would be the signs on his side? Or should I never expect any great declaration of love! All previous neurotypical exes have been more forthcoming so I'm confused

I have two close autistic family members. They are probably two of the most consistently loving and demonstrative people in my life. One is snuggled right up beside me right now. No one can tell you how your partner will chose to show affection.

I have 3 Autistic kids. They can all say I love you. My Autistic sibling doesn't say it much, but they have learning disabilities as well as being Autistic so it's a different situation. Autistic people are like NT people, they experience the same emotions, but like some NT people can't express their feelings some Autistic people can't either. Just like some NT people are selfish and abusive, some ND people are.

Autistic people may struggle with non verbal cues and non verbal communication, which can mean verbalising is more important. He may take you at face value more, he may have trouble interrupting his own emotions at times. You may run up against black and white thinking.

One of my Autistic DC doesn't show him emotions much, but he feels them very deeply. How he displays his empathy is very different to how most NT people do. His behaviours show his feelings a lot better than his words. He still says I love you to me and his Dad, I have no idea how he'll be with a partner as an adult. Im sure so Autistic people lack empathy, but NT people can too. I don't know anyone who's Autistic who lacks empathy. I have several ND friends with ND kids. The empathy thing is a misnomer, maybe because the empathy doesn't always look the way people expect it too.

Your DPs feelings might not look the way you expect them too. He might need to know how important verbal confirmations of love are to you. You might need to verbalise your communication a lot more for everything, dont assume he's picking up on cues. I wouldn't assume an absence of a verbal I love you would mean he doesn't, but it might. Not helpful I know, but the answers aren't straightforward. None of us know him as a person. You might find it useful to read up about the double empathy problem.

@EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness that's exactly it, I feel loved but it's never said so I wonder if I'm getting the wrong idea because its something I want a lot.

I've had NT partners who have been very forthcoming with their affection. My ND boyfriend is extremely smart/measured but doesn't verbalise those words/maybe not ready yet. He will be regularly in contact, talking about everything, physically affectionate. I feel part of their life in many ways. But because they don't say it, I wonder how I'll know for sure.

@thirtyseven37 I'm not questioning if someone is capable of love, just what signs there are if someone is autistic and who may not verbalise it the same way.

Everyone is different, even within autistic people. However. If I didn't love someone I couldn't be with them, it would feel too deceitful. I can't speak for your DP but in my case, if I didn't love DP I just wouldn't be with him.

https://embrace-autism.com/alexithymia-and-autism-guide/

Mumsnet is probably not the place for this as I doubt many people have experience of alexithymia and autism. OP, have a read up on it. You are best to talk to your partner though and see what their love language is, discuss emotion, it’s possible to work through it all though!

You are talking nonsense.

My autistic son says he loves me. But there is a lot out there about 'love languages" which i dont think is specific to autism actually but there are some sites/books that are autism love language specific.

@dontbelievewhatyousee thank you for this, I just had a read and the alexithymia does sound familiar in what I'm seeing.

I'm autistic, if you require lots of romance, physical affection and a life free as possible from stress I would reconsider.

what matters is whether or not the relationship meets your needs. Why someone is or is not able to meet your needs is irrelevant. Those needs still have to be met.

My autistic ex H was very demonstrative, told me he loved and cherished me and made me feel the world to him.

And I was. But, over time, I came to realise that’s how it worked. I was the world to him. It was all about what I gave to him. My ex had low empathy and very poor mindsight. He simply wasn’t able to see me as a separate human being with my own thoughts, feelings, dreams and motivations, except in a very limited way. Over twenty years, he never really grew in knowledge or understanding of me, like I assumed he would.

In his own way, he sincerely believed he loved me. But his version of what it was to be in a loving relationship was very different to what most NT people would expect and need. Because he had barriers to understanding other people, he consequently had barriers to understanding how close intimate relationships worked. Because that attunement to another person, which is the bedrock of relationships, was not available to him.

There are many support groups for partners of people with autism online, and there is a reason they exist. The same patterns of experience emerge over and over again. No, not all autistic people have the same traits, but there are markedly similar experiences on those sites.

Hopefully this is sarcasm or god forbid you have an autistic DC!!!!

Reported also. You don't understand that because one individual is unable to express emotion, that doesn't apply to all? You've heard of the expression 'autistic spectrum'?

Maybe I'm being autistic but I still don't understand why this is a question. Why not just have a conversation about it? Allistics and their lack of clear communication are very weird to me sometimes.

I'm autistic and I'm not sure if I feel love for humans in the way that most humans do. I don't ever feel like I love my parents or siblings, for example, but I am upset if they're suffering. (I definitely feel love for animals, though). My partner is the only person I can be truly open with, or almost truly open, and we really click, but there are also practical reasons we're together. I've learnt to tell him I love him (in my 30s!) and sometimes he asks me directly if I still like him.

I would just ask your partner if he could show you or tell you every day (or however often you need) that he likes you (or loves you, but I personally might find that more difficult!) He could write it in a card if that's easier for him! Sometimes autistic people assume others know how they feel because they think they've expressed it well enough already, so he might just need to know how you'd like to receive his affection.

Everyone is different! I've met very loving autistic people, more so than NTs. I went out with someone with high functioning autism and he was the mushiest person I've ever met

Thank you all, I'm still learning.

Well most of us with autism speak Klingon. Have you tried asking him in that?
Of course all people on the spectrum are really just robots with no emotions, empathy or capacity for love. We are so lucky that normal humans bother with us at all.

@thirtyseven37 I'm not sure if it's about capability - it's about the display of it. Also, women frequently ask such questions about men who aren't autistic, so this is just a variation of this type of scenario.

OP - you will hear a lot of talk about 'love languages' on Mumsnet as if it's a scientific fact.

Yes, people show affection and love in different ways, but it seems to be mainly women who are willing to do with less because their man has his own 'love language'. I don't see men minimising their needs in that way.

Whether it's an autistic person, or a man without autism, there's no real way of knowing for sure what someone else feels for you deep inside.

Some men prefer to do practical 'deeds' for their partner, not because it's their 'love language', but because these deeds as a semi-enjoyable, get-out-of-jail card for themselves. It enables them to avoid spending in-depth quality time with their partner, because they don't actually love or like their female partner's personality that much. At best it's a 'meh' and at worst they find her a bit irritating. They also don't like providing emotional support (but feel entitled to this from their female partner though).

My point is - please don't minimise your emotional needs just because people are preaching this 'love language' thing.

I read that the guy who invented love languages was a bit of a sexist arse and invented it so that his wife’s love language could be acts of service to him, whereas his is physical touch so he gets lots of sex.

No idea if it’s true but I would be completely unsurprised if it were.

My DH is like this as well. He expresses his love for me by bringing me Chocolate and a or by doing all of the lifts for the DC in the evening because he doesn't like the idea of me driving alone at night (I still do that though sometimes).

This is a great and thoughtful post.

I have a ND ex-friend from my late teens/early 20s.

She'd say how close we were, how she was obsessed with me, how we had a special connection...

Her love and connection for me was unfortunately entirely based on me sticking to her script, paying attention to her, joining in her special interests.

Anything I did that was outside the script wasn't acceptable.

She'd say we'd had a great weekend together, the reality is I'd be frazzled as it was completely centred on her needs.

I was fairly emotionally vulnerable due to early family issues, so she felt she could pressurise me into having the same interests as her, started advising me what to wear, how to act...

It was like I was a "thing" or a pet to be trained into meeting her needs.

I had to detach due to this behaviour

Obviously as a young woman I was growing and changing and developing, and I didn't want someone constantly browbeating me or arguing with me that I was "wrong"

(getting incredibly angry and distressed amd trying to argue with me and dominate me if I want to do something different to her script).

Unfortunately she couldn't accept that I had a seperate existence to her that wasn't being forced into reading an obscure fantasy novel to "keep her company", or working in the same industry as her, or having an "alternative" appearance as she didn't like it when I dressed in a mainstream way.

Most of her friends now are online, which I suspect probably suits her better as she's less overwhelming!

We're all human and I hope she is well and content, but it just wasn't feasible for me long term.

I get the world must have been quite overwhelming and lonely for her, but equally it was pretty lonely for me engaging with her.

Mine said he loved me and a few weeks later hadn't said it again.

When I asked he said he'd update me if there had been a change
As it happens, there has been no update and we've been together over 10 years.

It is obvious day to day that he loves me. It helps if you are each other's special interest, and you can find some shared interests to do together. Not dissimilar to NT people when you look at it like that.

@AnnaMagnani what do you mean by being each other's special interest?

Alexithymia is separate to but often co morbid with autism. It is a tough one since people w alexithymia have challenges in recognising their own emotions. In good times this can be fine, but when life throws a lot of shit at you it can a lot of difficulty, since knowing our emotions contributes to things like self regulation, decision making, and communication.