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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Here we go again!!

27 replies

Silverstarz · 03/05/2024 20:35

So partner is out on another bender (read previous posts) the usual shit being ignored etc thing is this time its different!!
I am in a different mind set, instead of hurling messages amd phone calls etc telling him how i have had enough am just gonna ignore it.
I will message him when i go to bed and tell him i habe left a key under the mat. I will lock the door. I will sleep downstairs on the sofa so when he comes to bed i wont be there to smell the alcohol and snorning. I have my 2 boys 9 and 11. We will watch a film and bring blankets downstairs and make it a film night.
In the morning i will speak calmly to him and tell him he needs to go asap and its over.
We are NOT married but have been together 20 years. We jointly own the house with no mortgage. His dad is signing over his house to my partner as he is moving abroad.
So with this info in mind would it be reasonable (legal wise) for me to be able to remain in the family home as the main care giver to the boys till they reach 18? Seeing as partner has another house he can live in??

OP posts:

IncognitoUsername · 03/05/2024 20:42

How will he react to you telling him that? Might it be better to wait until he is sober/not hungover? In terms of his reaction I mean.

Motnight · 03/05/2024 20:44

You sound resolute, Op. Are you married? I think that you need to seek legal advice.

lotsofpeoplenametheirswords · 03/05/2024 20:45

Go you. No idea about the house stuff but well done on not being a doormat anymore.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/05/2024 20:46

Get rid of the waster. Well done.

Original poster

Silverstarz · 03/05/2024 20:47

IncognitoUsername · 03/05/2024 20:42

How will he react to you telling him that? Might it be better to wait until he is sober/not hungover? In terms of his reaction I mean.

I wont tell him anything til hes sober tomorrow.
Will leave a key and sleep in another room tonight. It will be a sleepless night for me again 😪
The anxiety eats away!!!!
He yreated me appallingly pre 2018
Cheated on me countless times, mentally abusive drinking at all times of day

I just about got the trust back after he made the effort for 3 years now its all crept back in!
Only this time i am in a whole better position to split

OP posts:

Original poster

Silverstarz · 03/05/2024 20:48

And like to think i am stronger too

OP posts:

Original poster

Silverstarz · 03/05/2024 20:52

Motnight · 03/05/2024 20:44

You sound resolute, Op. Are you married? I think that you need to seek legal advice.

I am more prepaired than ever.
Its never going to change. I keep thinking a few months of a rough ride is better than years of anxiety and uncertainty 🤞

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 03/05/2024 21:02

You desperately need to keep your kids away from his horrible influence. Enough is enough.

PaminaMozart · 03/05/2024 21:09

So with this info in mind would it be reasonable (legal wise) for me to be able to remain in the family home as the main care giver to the boys till they reach 18? Seeing as partner has another house he can live in??

I'm afraid this is not how the law works. He may choose to let you stay, or he may not. His choice.

I think you need a Plan B. For instance:

but him out (if you can afford it and he agrees)
sell and buy a smaller house or flat
sell and rent.

Those are the only legal options I can think of.

category12 · 03/05/2024 22:02

As you're not married, it'll be whatever you can agree together - either sell up and split the money, or one of you buy the other out.

If his dad is giving him a house, he will own one and a half houses and you will own half a house.

He might be happy to move out to his dad's place and let you & the dc stay in the family home, but there's no legal route to try to make that happen.

Original poster

Silverstarz · 03/05/2024 22:42

category12 · 03/05/2024 22:02

As you're not married, it'll be whatever you can agree together - either sell up and split the money, or one of you buy the other out.

If his dad is giving him a house, he will own one and a half houses and you will own half a house.

He might be happy to move out to his dad's place and let you & the dc stay in the family home, but there's no legal route to try to make that happen.

Also he is due a rayher big 150k inheritance which is going through probabte right now (from his grandad) i know i won't be entitled to.any of it but i am hoping if it does go to.court then it may not seem to unreasonable for.me to stay in the family home with the boys.
I wouldn't be able to afford to buy him.out so it would mean he buys me out and we would have to.move area as well as school as we wouldn't be able to afford to stay here as lovely as it is. A change of scenery might do us good.
My mum lives 90 mile away as does my closest friend but the area is not the best . My sister is at the other end of the country being aboit 4 hours away but would be able to offer me lots of support
I do.work.from home so can take my work wherever i go and i am looking to expand myself workwise as been offered a good opportunity to bring in some extra money.

Lots to think about

OP posts:

Motnight · 04/05/2024 12:31

I remember your other posts I think, Op.

Stay strong 😊

PaminaMozart · 04/05/2024 12:49

What court action are you thinking of - under what law are you planning to sue him?

I'm not sure you've thought this through.

LifeExperience · 04/05/2024 13:36

"So with this info in mind would it be reasonable (legal wise) for me to be able to remain in the family home as the main care giver to the boys till they reach 18?"

Since you aren't married that will be entirely up to him. The only thing he will legally owe you is child support.

Original poster

Silverstarz · 05/05/2024 08:20

Yesterday i spoke to him. Told him he needs to go. I think he thinks i am not serious about it.
He did say he was happy ro buy me out of this house and i can stay here until that happens. Which is gonna be a while i think and he will live elsewhere in the meantime.
Hes away from wed for 2 weeks wrking with his dad which i cant wait for, distance is what i ned right now. He said he would go when he gets back
Hes currently sleeping on the sofa.
Pretty much out all day yesterday with the boys and dog then went to bed early i was tired from precious night as only managed about 2 hours of broken sleep :(
Tofay i have plans to dissappear again with the boys
Hes back ar work tues and then as i said he away for 2 weeks

OP posts:

Weenurse · 05/05/2024 08:26

Given these circumstances, I would plan on leaving and setting up where you have support.
How will he react to the DC moving away?

Original poster

Silverstarz · 05/05/2024 10:43

Weenurse · 05/05/2024 08:26

Given these circumstances, I would plan on leaving and setting up where you have support.
How will he react to the DC moving away?

I think i will have to wait til he buys me out before i can go anywhere.
I would struggle to pay rent atm as i work.from home currently on a self employed basis. I earn enough for food shopping and council tax and other bills but rent I couldn't do on my own.
At least if he buys me out i will be able to buy another property in the same sort of area (about 10 mile out) where prices are affordable with the budget i will have, i have had a look at houses and should have enough for a small 3 bed house in the town meaning i could still commute the boys to school without distrupting them too much.
I understand that this could be a while until he gets the money to buy me out but he has got inheritance coming to him within the year (probate) and he is planning on remortgaging the gifted house to rent out as soon as its done. Plus he earns well so can afford to rent. It may mean staying here for another year or 2 but thats okay so long as he is not here.
Hes knows the situation and would like to think he wouldnt see the boys unhappy so hoping he doesn't be awkward and does the right thing. Jeez inthink i deserve that much.

OP posts:

Original poster

Silverstarz · 16/05/2024 09:35

Just checking in. So its been a couple of weeks and hes been away and doesnt come back till end of next week.
The headspace has been bliss. I have loved just being me and not anxiety ridden wondering if hes gonna come him, if hes really at work or down the pub etc....
The one thing that has dawned on me is my lack of friends or more so being disconnected from my oldest friends. We whatsapp occassionally and we do meet up a few times per year but they do live 100 miles away.
One of my friends (local) popped round and suggested i need to work out a plan.
And shes right. I just feel really overwhelmed at the moment and my mind seems to shift so quickly to wanting to leave and then to sticking it out :(
Because i work from home in a small villiage in the countryside i can go without seeing people.
Friend suggested may be to stay put for now but start doing my own thing, go back to work (which would be good for social wise) not be about on weekends ay home when hes there (take the kids visit family and friends more) and try set up a bit of a life on my own......emotionally try and detach
I think this does sound like a plan....on paper.
I do think that may be if i have a bit more of a life and other things to occupy my mind then may be i would be in a better position emotionally and support wise?
Thoughts ?
Please be kind as i feel quite fragile at the moment ❤

OP posts:

averythinline · 16/05/2024 09:45

Yes getting out and about is a good idea and working as you will get ni/pension contributions..as well as more social connections..

Have you worked out finances including maintenance and universal credit?

If you need the money from the sale to buy and he works away then starting to live your new life is a good idea ..

category12 · 16/05/2024 15:49

Yes, really good idea to build up your social network and a life independent of what he's up to.

KTSl1964 · 16/05/2024 15:56

Have you checked your benefit entitlement on entitled to or turn to us as a single parent - he will need to pay maintenance too. Good luck

Original poster

Silverstarz · 16/05/2024 22:10

KTSl1964 · 16/05/2024 15:56

Have you checked your benefit entitlement on entitled to or turn to us as a single parent - he will need to pay maintenance too. Good luck

I have checked child payments and universal credits also.
Its just an initial deposit and rent i would have to find if i chose to move out until house is sold.
I have already organised the next couple of weekends where i can be away and have a night out planned/weekend away at "home" so to speak, which will be nice to catch up with old friends. He will be working everyday from 7 til 5 so wont have to see him much.
Am just going to lie low until i can get everything straight.
I feel so tired - emotionally drained at the.moment :(

OP posts:

AreWeThereYet69 · 16/05/2024 22:28

Well done OP, sounds like you're doing really well.
I would recommend NOT moving out of the family home if you can. Would you go to mediation together?
Where I'm from, it would be normal that you'd stay in the home if the children were living with you. And when they'd finished education, you would buy him out. From the sounds of things, he won't be looking for 50:50.
Also, there was a post recently asking if people were happier post marriage/ long term breakup and nearly all responses were saying yes absolutely (myself included 😉). You're at the most difficult stage now, it will get easier. It's far far better to be out of a dysfunctional relationship even with the initial hardship than to remain in it. Might be a good one to read

altmember · 17/05/2024 00:25

I have checked child payments and universal credits also.

Just in case you aren't aware UC is means tested and there is a 16k capital limit. So if you move out to rent and claim UC, then as soon as he buys you out of the family home you'll presumably have over 16k cash from that? At which point you'll lose all UC entitlement as they expect you to support yourself from your savings instead. There is a discretionary disregard you can apply for so they'll ignore capital from your home being sold for 6 months, which may or may not give you enough time to get back on the housing ladder before they pull the rug from under you.

Have you asked him to consider moving out to the house his father is giving him and letting you and the kids stay put until they're 18?

Original poster

Silverstarz · 17/05/2024 22:35

This is so difficult.
My head feels like its going to explode.
Been talking to him over the phone and he doesn't want it to end (of course he doesn't) hes said he will go to counselling, change his job stop drinking(where most of the drinking happend after work) move away etc.......i want to beleive him desperately we have been together 22 years and hes right we do have so much together but what is it without trust?
It seems like the villiage we live in every other person is an alcoholic :( moving away would make a difference as hes always been a drinker and we have lived in different parts of the country and ben the same
Whilst he is drinking i just cannot trust him.
He does have the option of staying abroad where he is at the moment for another couple of weeks if needed which isnt a bad thing.
I just enjoy the feeling of having lots of space at the moment. Even my eldest son (21) has commented how much better i am when his dad is away and hed not even clued into the present situation :(
Sorry just having a vent

OP posts:

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