3 months post partum & partner not acting right

[Caw2024]

Going to keep it as quick as possible to read (I'm new to mumsnet)

I'm 28 year old female. First time mum to a 3 month old baby girl. My partner is 29.

Whilst pregnant everything was perfect, lovey dovey, we couldn't wait to be parents.

Since having baby my partner stopped hearing her crying at night after about 4 days of being home with her.. all night feeds were left to me (I'd had stitches after birth which got infected twice, it was agony) getting in and out of the bed constantly all night was painful and he still didn't help. (He does work but I still think he should of helped)

He would disappear and say he was going to see a friend for 1 hour and would be gone for 6 hours.

I then had to move into a home for pregnant women/women with kids already as I was homeless.. visitors are allowed to stay until 10pm. He would leave after about spending 2-3 hours here visiting me and the baby. He couldn't wait to get home because he smokes cannabis and obviously couldn't do that here.

He would also pick going to the pub/the bar over staying with me and our daughter since she was 2 weeks old. The one day I was crying because I was really upset and needed the help and he still chose to go out and get drunk.

Now the most recent thing he's done to upset me is after me and him had an argument about 2 weeks ago. I told him exactly how I felt about the whole situation, might of cussed him out a bit he then went out with his friend and his friends girlfriend and told the friends girlfriend to bring her friend out (another female) he claims he hasn't cheated or nothing happened but I'm devastated. I don't knownif I believe him or if I could ever forgive him. After the past few weeks of him doing absolutley nothing to help me and now this I really don't know if I should be with this man child

What do you guys think would you stay or would you go.. am I over reacting

He should but he isn't, which should tell you everything you need to know about how much he cares about you and the baby. He can't be arsed, and you are under-reacting to that.

@Caw2024 why did you leave your previous home and make yourself homeless when you were pregnant?

Yes, quite.

I’m sure that’s exactly what the problem is. Let’s not consider the possibility that he’s a useless, lazy, lying, cheating man child who doesn’t care that he has a baby.

Also OP, he hears the baby crying. Next door hear the baby crying so he definitely hears it. In my old house I could hear the baby on the other next door across 2 driveways crying. He hears it. He just ignores it.

Sorry you’ve ended up with such a man as this, but you aren’t stuck with him. You are already doing this by yourself x

You and your baby are on your own. Block and forget

Fuck the fuck off with this useless comment

He is a lazy selfish piece of shit. Dump him and move on with your life.

You need to plan your life without him. He really is not there for you.
Hard as it may seem, it will be harder in the long run trying to make him into something he doesn’t want to be.

Be strong and good luck.

Leave him now, he is an awful partner.
He doesn't help.
He is not good.
He has addictions.
He is childish.
He is selfish.
He is waiting for you to be housed to leech you even more.
You both will be much better on your own that with that heavy burden.

So you're homeless, he's going the pub and smoking weed while you care full time for the baby, and his 'plan' is to move in with you when you get housed. So, a cocklodger in waiting. His behaviour is leechy and repulsive. Any decent adult would be making it their bloody mission to find a way to house their new family.

Get rid of him, don't let him in your home once you're housed, it'll be more of this except he'll be in your house, eating your food, drinking and smoking weed. You don't need another baby.

Lol.

You are not his woman, you are your own person, who is coping admirably with a new baby, you don't need this bloke to make you 'whole'.
Seeing his mate for an hour, but being away for 6, would make me think he's doing coke or similar, hence it's an hour in his mind but several hours in reality.
Block him, don't let him move in, and if he is using (which I'm willing to bet he is) don't let him have unsupervised access to your child.
Congratulations on you baby, and fingers crossed you get housed soon.

I think the bigger question is why are you wanting to be with someone who clearly prioritises drug use and socialising with his friends over his child? He has shown you who he is... believe him. He's unlikely to magically step up and be a good partner or father. You're in a really difficult situation and homeless... and he has shown you time and time again that his social life is the priority for him. I'd focus on yourself and your child and get rid of him.

Sorry, he's just keeping you sweet by visiting so you will give him a place to doss and he can smoke cannabis around your DC to his hearts content.
Have you applied for cms? They deduct at source so you'll have it before he can spend it You say he works, but in 9 months he hasn't had the warewithall to find a place to rent - or you for that matter? Did you work before your DC?
You sound quite vulnerable and still too open to neglect from him. Don't treat him as a BF, you need to check out with him and concentrate on your LO.

OP how long have you been together?
Does he work and contribute to baby's costs?

I'm glad you are getting support where you are and hope you are found a suitable home soon. Buy please please do not move this waste of space in and definitely do not put him on the tenancy as you will never get him out. It sounds like he has zero interest in being a parent and he is being a piss poor partner.

So - your bf lives with his mom. Smokes canabis daily and his life is about hanging in a pub. And you decide to have a baby with him? What made you think he as going to be a good father????
I am of course sorry your baby. She did not asked to be born into this.
But it does make me angry people make life choices expecting others to just pick up the tap.

He sounds a total loser. I won’t lie op, unemployed druggie who lives with his mum, knocking on thirty and a cheat as well. And he’s thinking you will step up and house him next?

I suspect you don’t want to bin him off, which you should do, as he’s not going to add anything to you or your child’s life.

How does he hear (or not hear) the baby crying at night if he has to leave before 10pm?

AlisonWonderbra Why not read OP's post before asking this?

So he lives with his mum and you have the help of yours.
Where are the dads in all this?

You are right. I chose the wrong man to have a child with. But yes his plan is to move in with me when I get housed. He made no effort to find himself, or pregnant girlfriend a home of their own the whole time I was pregnant. So I had to go into a homeless shelter with my now 3 month old

OP - yes, he has not done anything to find a home. But it seems - neither have you.
If you were living with his mom - why haven’t you saved to rent your own place? Why haven’t you made a plan together with him?

At 28/29 - why have a baby if neither of you are able to support an independent life for yourselves, let along a baby?

Do you have your own family somewhere to help you look after the baby and eventually get a job?

I dont have the best support system just my mum and she works full time. I fell pregnant while living I'm a shared house so obviously could not bring my baby up there, was working part time aswell.. I couldn't afford rent on part time wage

So - you do have a mom. How come you’d rather be in a shelter than with family?

You are in a difficult place now. I get it.
But you do need to grow up quickly now and realise that you need to become a lot more responsible and make a plan for your life as now it’s on YOU to raise this child.

@jsku maybe she won’t be classed as homeless if living with her mum and therefore they will take longer to house her ?

My friend who had all 3 of her kids while she and her partner weren’t working was able to live with her mum if she wanted, but chose to live in very unsatisfactory temp housing. Tbf it was a smart decision as she is now housed permanently.

This is an unusually bad situation OP. I know there are loads of posts about shit men on here that could lead you to believe that this sort of behaviour is normal. But it is in fact a very rare man that would leave his tiny baby, and his GIRLFRIEND (not an ex) in a homeless shelter when he has a place they could stay (albeit he would need to tidy/get rid of the weed). That's an unusual level of detachment and more than being selfish/uncaring.