Second date or not?

[tanyaturneristhegoat]

It’s been a while since I’ve been in the dating game. Met somebody on tinder.

he’s 7 years younger than me
a policeman
2 kids
going through a divorce/buying a house

the first date 2 weeks ago went well, due to his schedule the second date isn’t until next week but nothing set it stone (as in a place/time etc) I did ask if he was free to do something but he couldn’t.

i haven’t had the best of luck with men! I just get the feeling it’s going to be a slow burner if it goes anywhere.

should I go on the second date or let it fizzle out? I actually quite like him which is why I’m a bit torn!

Go on the date & see how it goes. Can't really see why you wouldn't, especially if you like him.

Agree with PP. It's far too early to tell, try a few more dates first then decide.

i don’t know whether it’s the long time between the dates that’s making me question it. We are polar opposites of each other too.

maybe I’ve been out of the game so long I’m overthinking.

Not! Police is not a dating or family friendly job, and with his divorce and having DC wouldn’t knowingly go into dating someone with those prior commitments

The ongoing divorce would worry me. Not bothered about his job though as long as he works for a living. Maybe go for a second date. No harm.

I work alongside the police for my job so that doesn’t phase me - we do know mutual people through work.

So does he still live with his wife?

How has the communication been over the last couple of weeks?

No to a second date because you are polar opposites of each other. He is not ready to date let alone start to embark on another relationship.

its also far too early to properly determine you like him when you have only seen him once. Then you write you are polar opposites of each other.

I would further examine through counselling if necessary why you have not had the best of luck with men.

You’re in a position to choose a man that is as close to your ideal as possible (given a perfect man / relationship doesn’t exist).

For me that wouldn’t be someone who doesn’t work shifts or has children. Definitely not someone who is in the process of divorcing. I’d want that to be history.

These things matter to you too, I think, as you’ve mentioned them. Don’t rush into a relationship that you see as having serious drawbacks. Just enjoy dating/ getting to know people until one comes along that doesn’t raise doubts so soon

'going through a divorce' would be a red flag for me personally. I mean, if they live separately and have done for years then that is OK. But if he needs to say 'going through a divorce' that tells me he's actually 'going through a breakup' in which case he is on the rebound.

No he doesn’t live with his ex. I checked with our “mutual work colleagues” his situation.

the “marital home” is in the process of being sold & he’s living with a work colleague. Male before anyone asks.

polar opposites as in personalities. We’re both career driven

the communication has been great - baring in mind I’m aware of his job & shift pattern so somedays like ships passing in the night.

the job/ex wife is fine to me, it’s the kids as my daughter is now an adult and his are much younger.

Presumably you're happy with dating a man with kids? It wasn't for me.

I wouldn't be arsed personally with this guy if he can manage once in 3 weeks. Not unless there's a specific reason such as a holiday. What's the point? You want someone available at the very least.

The whole package sounds a lot going on.

If you liked him maybe ask him to get in touch when he is more free rather than wasting time being a virtual chat service. That's not really getting to know someone and deciding whether there's potential.

Ah cross post.

I'd maybe keep it as friends if you've already done the planning your life around kids thing and don't love the idea of doing it for someone else's. He doesn't sound a bad bloke, just a a different life stage with a lot happening (even though it's not a huge age gap).

The nothing set in stone would be a red flag for me. He should be showing interest in seeing you. Three weeks and not a single evening, lunch time to meet up?

He doesn’t owe you anything
You don’t owe him anything.

Dont invest energy in to him till he comes up with a proposed date because you will feel shit if he blows you off. Dont buy in to the texting - it’s not real. It’s only real if he is wanting and making the effort to see you. Relationships are built on person not over text.

‘Hey xxxx I’m not actually a big texter so give me a text next week when you can meet up for a second date, speak soon x

I think deep down we are at different stages in our lives. I think I’m going to go on the 2nd date then make my mind up.

the 2nd date has taken ages because of his shifts/mine being opposites - though it won’t be like this going forward.

I’ve had a string of bad luck so even going on date 1 was an accomplishment for me 😂

I hope your still speaking/dating other people OP…

It’s our shifts that have been awkward the last few weeks. When he’s off I’m in work and vice versa.

we are going to the same gig on Sunday both with our parents - otherwise Sunday would be brilliant for us.

I’ve never been a big fan of that. I’m ready to be flamed. I haven’t put all my eggs in one basket just thinking of the bigger picture as I’ve been out of this game for 4 years!

Are you not seeing each other as friends at the gig?

I did say Maybe we could meet at some point for a drink but it’s in the millennium stadium which isn’t a small place. We’re also attending with both our parents

How do you know he isn’t dating other people?

If you like him, go and enjoy yourself. Relax, it doesn't have to be anything serious but you can have fun.

The two kids would put me off if I was looking for a committed relationship.

He has a lot going on there, it really depends how tolerant you are of changes to schedule and what you want out of a relationship.

If you want someone nice to date and you're not after more than that for now, or are happy to take things slowly, I'd say yes, do it. If you're looking for 'the one', something filly emmersive, then I'd say no as he'll have conflicting priorities and you could find yourself lower down than list than you'd like to be.