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Original poster

DH interactions with my Mother

38 replies

DazedAndConfusedHere · 02/05/2024 16:42

My Mother and I are very close and she is often who I turn to when I want someone to talk to. She and my DH also get on really well.

Recently, myself and my DH have had an argument over something, nothing majorly serious but he feels it's something my Mum should be made aware of. I disagree and have told him, as it is between him and I, and doesn't effect her at all, I won't be saying anything to her.

He has said, when they next speak and she asks him how he is/how we are, he "won't be lying to her and will tell her we have been arguing about this, and that she should speak to me for the details." I have asked him not to do this as I am not planning to talk to her about it at all, as my Mum is a worrier and will read more in to it than is necessary, plus it's really nothing to do with her.

Yesterday we had a huge argument as he refused to see it from my point of view, so I took the stance (rightly or wrongly) "she is my Mother, so I get to dictate what is/isn't shared with her. This is something I am asking you not to share, so please respect my wishes on this."

Since our argument he hasn't spoken to me (over 24hrs later) and I know if they speak, he will bring it up despite me asking him not to.

Am I overreacting to be really annoyed and feel totally unsupported by this? I just feel - my Mum my say so, his Mum his say so?

OP posts:
IncognitoUsername · 02/05/2024 17:08

If it’s nothing serious, why does he want to tell your mum? Does he want her advice or does he she will side with him?

Original poster
DazedAndConfusedHere · 02/05/2024 17:13

IncognitoUsername · 02/05/2024 17:08

If it’s nothing serious, why does he want to tell your mum? Does he want her advice or does he she will side with him?

I would think it was the latter, he wants her to side with him.

OP posts:
Lampy123678 · 02/05/2024 17:27

It's hard to say without knowing anything about what the issue is

thistimelastweek · 02/05/2024 17:30

DazedAndConfusedHere · 02/05/2024 17:13

I would think it was the latter, he wants her to side with him.

Show quote history

On the face of it, it's not fair to put your mum in this position.

StrawberryWater · 02/05/2024 17:31

It sounds like a control mechanism but I guess nobody can be sure unless they know the issues and whether he's tried to rat you out to people in the past.

Purplecatshopaholic · 02/05/2024 17:51

How odd! Why bring anyone’s mother into it? He should respect your views on this.

BirthdayRainbow · 02/05/2024 17:53

How embarrassing he wants his mummy in law to side with him. Show some bloody respect to your wife and discuss it with her only.

IncognitoUsername · 02/05/2024 18:26

We really need to know what the issue was.

Original poster
DazedAndConfusedHere · 02/05/2024 18:28

Sorry don’t mean to drip feed.

The initial argument was about my job and how he doesn’t like me being away for it - I travel once or twice a month for 2-3 days at a time.

The sort of argument that stems from something silly and then explodes.

His point about telling my Mother is that he ‘won’t pretend everything is rosy when it’s not’ which to me seems pathetic and we should keep our “issues” for want of a better word, between us.

OP posts:
IncognitoUsername · 02/05/2024 18:32

DazedAndConfusedHere · 02/05/2024 18:28

Sorry don’t mean to drip feed.

The initial argument was about my job and how he doesn’t like me being away for it - I travel once or twice a month for 2-3 days at a time.

The sort of argument that stems from something silly and then explodes.

His point about telling my Mother is that he ‘won’t pretend everything is rosy when it’s not’ which to me seems pathetic and we should keep our “issues” for want of a better word, between us.

I think he has more of an issue with you being away than he’s letting on. He knows your mum would take his side and this is his way of dealing with it all.
Telling your mum is not the issue here.

IncognitoUsername · 02/05/2024 18:34

Oh and btw - the amount of being away from home that you mention should not be an issue. Unless you have 7 kids that he needs to deal with at the drop of a hat because you are away.

Original poster
DazedAndConfusedHere · 02/05/2024 18:35

IncognitoUsername · 02/05/2024 18:34

Oh and btw - the amount of being away from home that you mention should not be an issue. Unless you have 7 kids that he needs to deal with at the drop of a hat because you are away.

No kids and trips are always planned at least a week ahead, often more.

OP posts:
AnnaMagnani · 02/05/2024 18:45

I'd be inclined to pre-empt him and tell your Mum he wants to have a whinge to her.

My DM would tell him to shut up, she didn't want to hear about our issues and he should be speaking to me. Also she was proud I had a great career that needed travel once a month.

Hopefully your mum would do the same.

Kapaj · 02/05/2024 18:46

Why would your mother be on his side? What's his problem?

Frith2013 · 02/05/2024 18:46

It sounds completely bonkers.

Original poster
DazedAndConfusedHere · 02/05/2024 18:50

AnnaMagnani · 02/05/2024 18:45

I'd be inclined to pre-empt him and tell your Mum he wants to have a whinge to her.

My DM would tell him to shut up, she didn't want to hear about our issues and he should be speaking to me. Also she was proud I had a great career that needed travel once a month.

Hopefully your mum would do the same.

I would like to think so too, but history would suggest otherwise!

When we last had a big row and I was on my way to hers to spend the day together, she phoned him to “check he was ok”. She says she supports me regardless but has shown otherwise previously.

I don’t go running to her with every issue like a child, so I’m not sure why he wants to!

OP posts:
AnnaMagnani · 02/05/2024 18:52

I'm not sure I could be 'very close' with a mum I didn't know had my back no matter how ridiculous I was.

She needs weaning off intervening in your marriage. I can see you can do it but honestly hell would freeze over before DH and I phoned our respective MILs.

Original poster
DazedAndConfusedHere · 02/05/2024 18:56

AnnaMagnani · 02/05/2024 18:52

I'm not sure I could be 'very close' with a mum I didn't know had my back no matter how ridiculous I was.

She needs weaning off intervening in your marriage. I can see you can do it but honestly hell would freeze over before DH and I phoned our respective MILs.

Oh likewise, I wouldn’t go running to his Mother about things! But he is apparently not prepared to make out things are all ok/lie to her that they are.

Regardless, I just think she’s my Mother so if I don’t tell her something, she doesn’t know. He doesn’t get to decide he will mention it instead. Just seems really weird to me.

OP posts:
thistimelastweek · 02/05/2024 18:56

You are right on all counts.

Why shouldn't you go away on business? Seriously, what's his problem?

Why should he involve your mum? Categorically, he shouldn't.

Why should he assume your mum would support him on this? He shouldn't.

Eviebeans · 02/05/2024 19:09

It’s difficult to tell whether she is interfering in your marriage or he is dragging her into your relationship issues or if it’s a bit of both. The dynamic feels off - as if you and your DH are children and he’s telling on you to “mummy”.

Original poster
DazedAndConfusedHere · 02/05/2024 19:11

Eviebeans · 02/05/2024 19:09

It’s difficult to tell whether she is interfering in your marriage or he is dragging her into your relationship issues or if it’s a bit of both. The dynamic feels off - as if you and your DH are children and he’s telling on you to “mummy”.

Yeah, I feel it’s him ‘telling tales’ but she is definitely an enabler with that.

OP posts:
Itiswhysofew · 02/05/2024 19:40

I'd lose all respect for someone telling tales to my DM, regardless of who they are. That's really pathetic of him. What on earth does he think your private life's got to do with your mummy?!

Ifyoucouldreadmymindlove · 02/05/2024 21:22

He is hoping your mother will help him manipulate you into not doing a part of your job, a part of your job he finds threatening because he’s an insecure little twat.

Gymnopedie · 02/05/2024 21:25

I'd be telling him to move in with her and that you hope they'll be very happy together.

Seriously it sounds like this goes beyond him running to (your) mummy. He seems controlling, selfish and childish. Think carefully if this is what you want for the rest of your life. Not being allowed to be you, only to do what he wants.

coastalhawk · 02/05/2024 21:32

I agree with you OP. Don't bring her in if you don't want to and its your decision