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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH interactions with my Mother

38 replies

DazedAndConfusedHere · 02/05/2024 16:42

My Mother and I are very close and she is often who I turn to when I want someone to talk to. She and my DH also get on really well.

Recently, myself and my DH have had an argument over something, nothing majorly serious but he feels it's something my Mum should be made aware of. I disagree and have told him, as it is between him and I, and doesn't effect her at all, I won't be saying anything to her.

He has said, when they next speak and she asks him how he is/how we are, he "won't be lying to her and will tell her we have been arguing about this, and that she should speak to me for the details." I have asked him not to do this as I am not planning to talk to her about it at all, as my Mum is a worrier and will read more in to it than is necessary, plus it's really nothing to do with her.

Yesterday we had a huge argument as he refused to see it from my point of view, so I took the stance (rightly or wrongly) "she is my Mother, so I get to dictate what is/isn't shared with her. This is something I am asking you not to share, so please respect my wishes on this."

Since our argument he hasn't spoken to me (over 24hrs later) and I know if they speak, he will bring it up despite me asking him not to.

Am I overreacting to be really annoyed and feel totally unsupported by this? I just feel - my Mum my say so, his Mum his say so?

OP posts:

category12 · 02/05/2024 21:36

Sounds like it's intended to manipulate/control you, by using your mum to apply pressure to get his way.

Also, the silent treatment is an emotionally abusive behaviour.

Renamed · 02/05/2024 21:45

YANBU x 100. He wants to complain to your mum because you go away for work once a month? WTAF?

MakeItRain · 02/05/2024 21:51

I would lose all respect for him. I'd be tempted to call his bluff and tell him to do what he wants. If he tells her and she sides with him and says it's terrible that you're away with work, just say "well my job's not going to change so maybe if it's so terrible we need to rethink our relationship." I think I'd be considering that anyway. You could be with someone who's proud of what you do for a living rather than someone who runs to your mum to whinge about it.

Thepossibility · 02/05/2024 22:15

I think you are framing it the wrong way to him. You say that you don't need to tell your mother everything. You should be saying that you don't appreciate him trying to use your mother as a tool to manipulate you into doing what he wants.

AGlinnerOfHope · 02/05/2024 22:21

I’d be agreeing with him, and reassure him you’ll be telling her that he’s become very controlling and is trying to interfere in your work arrangements.

I’d be telling my friends the same, and that he’s descended to using silent treatment and become very manipulative.

Tell him you’ll consider staying if he gets some therapy to sort himself out.

determinedtomakethiswork · 02/05/2024 22:52

It sounds to say your mum is enjoying the attention. It sounds as though your husband is a big baby.

dragonscannotswim · 02/05/2024 23:05

AnnaMagnani · 02/05/2024 18:45

I'd be inclined to pre-empt him and tell your Mum he wants to have a whinge to her.

My DM would tell him to shut up, she didn't want to hear about our issues and he should be speaking to me. Also she was proud I had a great career that needed travel once a month.

Hopefully your mum would do the same.

This!

dragonscannotswim · 02/05/2024 23:06

So he knows that she wants to hear the dirt on your marriage, so he's trying to shut you up by threatening to run to her. He's pathetic.

dragonscannotswim · 02/05/2024 23:06

Ifyoucouldreadmymindlove · 02/05/2024 21:22

He is hoping your mother will help him manipulate you into not doing a part of your job, a part of your job he finds threatening because he’s an insecure little twat.

Yep

Noicant · 02/05/2024 23:09

Omfg seriously, he’s threatening to grass you up to your mum. Tell him he’s not five and to stop behaving like it. Are you sure you want to keep him. He sounds really manipulative.

Nori10 · 02/05/2024 23:53

When you say you turn to your mum about things, do you discuss other aspects on your marriage with her? For example, have you spoken about other disagreements you've had with your husband to her? Just curious if you're consistent with not telling her things that don't involve her or might worry her. If you're not, I maybe could see why your dh might think it's ok to share this disagreement you're having.

Anyway, he should respect your wishes not to involve her, as she is your mum and it's not like the disagreement revolves around anything that she needs to know.

He likely thinks she'll share his views and strengthen his case. If that's true, acknowledge she'd do that, but say it would change nothing in terms of your disagreement, even if he managed to get 10 people to share his same view, because it's about you and him and no one else. Make him see he has nothing to gain by it, other than causing unnecessary worry to a person who he claims to care about (your mum).

Starsandflowers · 03/05/2024 00:00

I agree with you. She's your mother so it's up to you what you share with her. She's not a mutual friend.. She's your mother. I think it's invasive of him to try and get her to side with him.

SwordToFlamethrower · 03/05/2024 01:06

Do you do all the cooking and cleaning? Is he mad that his domestic appliance is out of order for 3 days a month?

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