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Original poster

Sleeping arrangements

47 replies

Anon543210 · 02/05/2024 12:17

I really need some advice coz to be honest I'm really at a loss what to do and also reaching the end of my tether. I've been with my partner for nearly 11 years now and in that time we've only grown closer we share the same dreams and plans and both want the same things.
My problem is bedtime so we have a king-size bed (UK) I'm only 5 foot 3 and quite small, my partner on the other hand is 5 foot 11 and like 19 stone so he's quite a big man but I love every bone of him only telling our sizes so you can get an idea of space in the bed. Every night when we go to bed I get on my side and roll over to go to sleep the problem comes when he gets in bed and he has so much room on his side but he decides to roll over to my side and cuddle me which is nice but I have no room I feel like I'm falling off my side of the bed and he has like all this empty space on his side that he could be using. We had our 1st proper argument this morning when he said to me we might aswell sleep in separate bed coz I never want him to cuddle me but I'm literally struggling to breathe sometimes when he is on top of me and I nearly fall out of the bed so I told him yeah maybe we should get separate beds coz then at least I'd be able to get some decent sleep he snores really loud every night too so realistically I can only lie facing the door and not him coz again it's right in my face. I tried to tell him how I was feeling but he didn't want to hear it and was just talking over me so he didn't have to listen to what I had to say he often does this if it's something he doesn't want to hear and I'm actually starting to notice a pattern which is now really starting to grind me down. I was in an abusive marriage many years ago before I met my current partner and constantly walked around on eggshells and I refuse to live that way again. I do love him though and I want this to work but I can't see how it can when I have to constantly take his feelings into consideration but he won't let me get my feelings across if it's something he doesn't want to hear I just don't know what to do anymore please give me some advice

OP posts:
savethatkitty · 02/05/2024 12:24

I'd be digging in my elbow & telling him to move over! This is why I love a king bed. You can have a nice cuddle but you can also have your own side (space!) as well.

Chillilounger · 02/05/2024 12:29

Get a super king?

Talipesmum · 02/05/2024 12:43

Oh god this would be awful. Fine for him to come over, cuddle you, then bog back off again to his side of the bed. How would he like it if a 6ft 7 28 stone person was cuddling him each night and he couldn’t breathe and was falling out of bed?

Id be shoving him back every time and telling him to give me space. And if he doesn’t that’s quite a serious problem.

WalkingThroughTreacle · 02/05/2024 12:47

I suspect this is an extremely common problem. Sleep is so important to our mental and physical health yet there's this societal belief that a couple sleeping separately is a terrible idea. I'm not a crusher but I am a terrible snorer, not every night but I go through good and bad phases. When I'm in a snoring phase my wife relocates to our spare bedroom. Initially I was a little bit hurt by this but I realised it's not about rejection, just good quality sleep, and the benefits for her (and by consequence both of us) are very noticeable. If I was snoring every night I'd like to think I'd accept separate rooms as the norm, it would be selfish not to. Nobody should have to put up with a permanent state of semi exhaustion.

PineappleTime · 02/05/2024 12:49

two single beds pushed close to each other but with a gap would fix the issue but honestly if he's being a whiny twat about it then he's not nice at all.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/05/2024 12:52

He sounds dreadful. He's not concerned about your needs at all, is he?

Original poster
Anon543210 · 02/05/2024 13:01

Talipesmum · 02/05/2024 12:43

Oh god this would be awful. Fine for him to come over, cuddle you, then bog back off again to his side of the bed. How would he like it if a 6ft 7 28 stone person was cuddling him each night and he couldn’t breathe and was falling out of bed?

Id be shoving him back every time and telling him to give me space. And if he doesn’t that’s quite a serious problem.

This is the thing I don't mind a little cuddle before we go to sleep then move over our own sides but he says he likes being close to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anon543210 · 02/05/2024 13:08

Chillilounger · 02/05/2024 12:29

Get a super king?

We're about to downsize from a 3 bed house to a 1 bed flat there is no space for a bigger bed as the bedroom is smaller

OP posts:
Talipesmum · 02/05/2024 13:24

Anon543210 · 02/05/2024 13:01

This is the thing I don't mind a little cuddle before we go to sleep then move over our own sides but he says he likes being close to me.

Show quote history

Well that’s all nice for him but if you don’t like it, he needs to move away. You’re not at all in the wrong or unreasonable to ask this, or to make a fuss every single time.

Coldupnorth87 · 02/05/2024 13:43

No, this is not working for me...

Get out, go the other side, repeat. But there is not a chance in hell I'd be moving to a 1-bed. In fact, I'd be moving but on my own.

Original poster
Anon543210 · 02/05/2024 13:50

Coldupnorth87 · 02/05/2024 13:43

No, this is not working for me...

Get out, go the other side, repeat. But there is not a chance in hell I'd be moving to a 1-bed. In fact, I'd be moving but on my own.

Got no choice I have 2 spare bedrooms at the moment the council are helping me move I have to downsize we are moving next Friday the 10th

OP posts:
MinnieMountain · 02/05/2024 13:53

Can you afford a sofa bed?

DH and I sleep separately, mainly due to my peri-menopause issues. He would prefer not to but he understands.

PinkTonic · 02/05/2024 14:06

I really don’t like the fact that he’s not listening to what you say and it’s a pity you have to move. Is it just your place or joint?

My husband is bigger than me and due to a knee problem has recently started really getting on my nerves in bed as he’ll be in the middle of his own side then turn onto his side towards me so he’s now right in the middle of the bed. He moves when I shove him though and is apologetic. I’m in the process of buying a 6ft bed and separate duvets, and given the bed is zip and link if the extra width alone doesn’t do the trick I’ll be moving them several inches apart! I’d honestly go for 7ft if I could but due to inconveniences like windows, doors and a fireplace it’s not feasible.

DelphiniumBlue · 02/05/2024 14:12

If you can afford it, make sure you have a decent, non roll-together mattress. Separate quilts helps as well.
But are you giving up a flat in your name for one in joint names in a relationship that you are clearly not 100% sure about?

Codlingmoths · 02/05/2024 14:16

I’d be kicking and elbowing him to be honest ‘get off! You’re SMOTHERING ME!!’ We only had a double when we first got married and Dh would go to bed first and take up the whole bed, so I’d have to poke /kick him enough to wake him up enough for him to move and just thinking about it gives me the rage! If he had gotten mad at me for wanting to get into my own bed I’d have pushed him right out of the thing.

Original poster
Anon543210 · 02/05/2024 14:17

It's as if he thinks we have to cuddle all night to show each other that we still love each other surely that's teenager stuff? I am 40 this year he is 45 in October he knows I love him and how much I love him so I don't know why I have to practically be suffocated to prove to him how much I love him?

OP posts:
Revelatio · 02/05/2024 14:20

Go over to his side for a cuddle, then say goodnight and move over to your side.

Predictablenamechange1 · 02/05/2024 14:29

No advice but I feel your pain! Our bed is up against the wall on one side (room is too small to have it any other way). I almost always go to bed a bit earlier so end up on the wall side pretty much every night.

Cuddling etc isn't so much the issue (although he does sometimes bear hug me in his sleep - I'm claustrophobic so it's horrible!) but having to clamber over a 20 stone man every time I want to go to the bathroom or whatever is fucking annoying. He also starfishes in bed when he sleeps forcing 5 foot 2 me further against the wall.

I do sometimes wish we were in a two bedroom flat so I could have my own bed and some space!

Original poster
Anon543210 · 02/05/2024 14:39

Also we have a big staffy dog and she sleeps on the end of the bed bonus if u can guess who's end? Yep that would be mine but she sleeps right by my feet and it means I can't have my legs fully straight they are like bent when I'm asleep so I started getting cramp in 1 of them last night went to turn onto my other side to take the pressure off my leg but guess what? That's right he was there nearly on my pillow breathing and snoring dead loud in my face so I had to turn back onto my leg that was hurting but yet i am the one that's in the wrong how is that right?

OP posts:
ZippyZappyZoo · 02/05/2024 14:41

If I were you I’d be in the middle of the bed so once he’s fallen asleep you can scooch over.

Original poster
Anon543210 · 02/05/2024 14:42

Revelatio · 02/05/2024 14:20

Go over to his side for a cuddle, then say goodnight and move over to your side.

I've tried that he then just rolls over to me when I've moved onto my side and tries to cuddle me but if I try and move his arm off me I am then the one in the wrong and I don't love him as much as he loves me I would love a solution to this other than actual separate beds coz I'm really at my wits end with it all now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anon543210 · 02/05/2024 14:44

ZippyZappyZoo · 02/05/2024 14:41

If I were you I’d be in the middle of the bed so once he’s fallen asleep you can scooch over.

I wish I could do this but I tried this once and he nearly killed me rolling actually onto me in his sleep it's like once he is asleep he has no spacial awareness or aware that anyone is actually in the bed with him so I try and curl up in my corner so that I'm not accidentally smothered in the night or anything

OP posts:
Codlingmoths · 02/05/2024 14:52

Anon543210 · 02/05/2024 14:42

I've tried that he then just rolls over to me when I've moved onto my side and tries to cuddle me but if I try and move his arm off me I am then the one in the wrong and I don't love him as much as he loves me I would love a solution to this other than actual separate beds coz I'm really at my wits end with it all now.

Show quote history

Wow. Wait till he’s asleep, sit on his head and if he wants you to move scream YOU WOULDNT WANT ME TO MOVE IF YOU ACTUALLY LOVED ME!! THATS WHAT YOU TELL ME EVERY NIGHT!! Your arm is bigger than my head. I can’t breathe with you laying half over me. But it’s not ok when I sit on your head?? WHY NOT?!! We’ve been together years, I have put up with this for years, for the next 10 years I sit on your head every single night because that’s apparently a great way to show love and only an emotionally stunted person who’s checked out of the relationship would object ISNT THAT RIGHT???

WoodBurningStov · 02/05/2024 14:57

Anon543210 · 02/05/2024 14:39

Also we have a big staffy dog and she sleeps on the end of the bed bonus if u can guess who's end? Yep that would be mine but she sleeps right by my feet and it means I can't have my legs fully straight they are like bent when I'm asleep so I started getting cramp in 1 of them last night went to turn onto my other side to take the pressure off my leg but guess what? That's right he was there nearly on my pillow breathing and snoring dead loud in my face so I had to turn back onto my leg that was hurting but yet i am the one that's in the wrong how is that right?

I could have written your post. I've now started to move the dog onto my dh side of the bed. The dog has now got used to it, so if I nudged her with my foot she instantly moves onto his side.

I've also now started to wake him and tell him to move over / roll over because of his snoring.

Plus when we have a cuddle before sleep then I tell him to bugger off and I'm not backwards at tell him he's in my side.

Sleep is very important to me so I make his life as uncomfortable as he makes mine

Tophelleborine · 02/05/2024 14:58

Argh honestly this is making me so cross on your behalf. So him getting his own way is more important than your sleep is it? Does he know how important sleep is to your mental and physical wellbeing, not just now but into your future? How about he shows his love for you by LETTING YOU GET SOME FUCKING SLEEP!!
My DH used to do this "if you loved me you'd cuddle me all night" shit but I told him to grow the fuck up and stop being so needy (well I was a bit kinder, but that was the gist). Honestly. Just no.