Sleeping arrangements

[Anon543210]

I really need some advice coz to be honest I'm really at a loss what to do and also reaching the end of my tether. I've been with my partner for nearly 11 years now and in that time we've only grown closer we share the same dreams and plans and both want the same things.
My problem is bedtime so we have a king-size bed (UK) I'm only 5 foot 3 and quite small, my partner on the other hand is 5 foot 11 and like 19 stone so he's quite a big man but I love every bone of him only telling our sizes so you can get an idea of space in the bed. Every night when we go to bed I get on my side and roll over to go to sleep the problem comes when he gets in bed and he has so much room on his side but he decides to roll over to my side and cuddle me which is nice but I have no room I feel like I'm falling off my side of the bed and he has like all this empty space on his side that he could be using. We had our 1st proper argument this morning when he said to me we might aswell sleep in separate bed coz I never want him to cuddle me but I'm literally struggling to breathe sometimes when he is on top of me and I nearly fall out of the bed so I told him yeah maybe we should get separate beds coz then at least I'd be able to get some decent sleep he snores really loud every night too so realistically I can only lie facing the door and not him coz again it's right in my face. I tried to tell him how I was feeling but he didn't want to hear it and was just talking over me so he didn't have to listen to what I had to say he often does this if it's something he doesn't want to hear and I'm actually starting to notice a pattern which is now really starting to grind me down. I was in an abusive marriage many years ago before I met my current partner and constantly walked around on eggshells and I refuse to live that way again. I do love him though and I want this to work but I can't see how it can when I have to constantly take his feelings into consideration but he won't let me get my feelings across if it's something he doesn't want to hear I just don't know what to do anymore please give me some advice

You'll have to get one of those double beds split into singles, or whatever appropriate size. Separate duvets is also a good idea. But this doesn't solve the problem of him thinking you two should be cuddling all night if you don't want to. All you can do is tell him you love him but neeeeeeed your sleep.
I feel your pain. I have to go to physio every couple of weeks to try and fix my hip which is in constant pain from having to lie right on the edge of the bed night after night. It's not that DH wants to cuddle, far from it, we hate each other but are forced to share a bed til we can move on, but he will take up all the space (he's big,) roll about, snore, push me to the edge and then breathe in my face so I have to face away from him all night. I often just give in now and go and sleep on the sofa (which is too short.) And last night I tried constructing a little camp in the living room with a yoga mat and blankets which was too uncomfortable after an hour. He, on the other hand, had 11 hours uninterrupted sleep.

😡

I don’t like the talking over you. I wouldn’t be moving in with him at all, sorry to offer no solution but if he won’t even listen to you telling him how awful it is for you, why give him any more room to overrule and disregard you?

I tried to tell him how I was feeling but he didn't want to hear it and was just talking over me so he didn't have to listen to what I had to say he often does this if it's something he doesn't want to hear and I'm actually starting to notice a pattern which is now really starting to grind me down

if I try and move his arm off me I am then the one in the wrong and I don't love him as much as he loves me

You are describing his emotional abuse of you, OP. Sadly it is very common for women who have been in one abusive relationship to end up in another. This man does not respect your autonomy even to the extent of believing that YOU should not be allowed to decide how you sleep. He is a controller. Have you read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft?

We already live together have done for years but this sleep thing just seems to have got worse recently. I don't mean to drip feed but we hardly have sex much anymore either because I have been getting these cysts down below that get infected and sore and when they burst they smell horrid so I don't really want to be exposing him to that I am under the doctors for it they think it is either hormonal or stress as I get them either just before I get my period or a day or 2 after my period has finished. One was so bad in Sept last year that I actually had to be put asleep at the hospital so they could drain it as the antibiotics the doctors had given me hadn't worked so yes I'm hardly in the mood at the moment so that isn't helping with him feeling a bit dejected but when I try and explain these things to him I just gey ignored or he doesn't want to listen to it yet he's quick to tell me if I've done something to make him unhappy and I have to listen to him.
I don't know writing all this down and getting others perspectives is actually making me wonder do I really want to live like this again? As I was in an abusive marriage years ago before I met my current partner and I could never get my feelings across then I honestly wonder how much more I can take and that I really won't live like that ever again. Other than these 2 issues tho he is a kind caring considerate man I know my posts don't make it seem like he is it's just I think he had many years before he met me being pandered to by mummy and so he doesn't like if someone tells him something he doesn't want to hear (it's like the old fingers in the ear saying lalalalala trick) only not that dramatic honestly sometimes I wonder am I with a man child?

@Anon543210

This is the thing I don't mind a little cuddle before we go to sleep then move over our own sides but he says he likes being close to me.

Then that's just selfishness on his part, accompanied by ignorance of what regularly losing quality sleep does to both physical and particularly good mental health. 🌹

Quick google
www.nhlbi.nih.gov/health/sleep-deprivation#:~:text=Sleep%20deficiency%20is%20linked%20to,adults%2C%20teens%2C%20and%20children.

Sleep deficiency is linked to many chronic health problems, including heart disease, kidney disease, high blood pressure, diabetes, stroke, obesity, and depression. Sleep deficiency is also linked to a higher chance of injury in adults, teens, and children.

It's funny ppl keep mentioning mental health as I actually suffer from depression anxiety and ptsd from being in a previously abusive marriage Andy partner knows all this and has been very supportive when it has come to my mental health and helping me which is why I'm so confused why he is being so precious about this whole cuddling in bed all night thing coz he knows what I went through with my ex husband and what I still go through on a daily basis re flashbacks and feeling anxious all the time also not liking raised voices etc this is why we don't tend to argue and he never shouts coz he knows it would upset me if he can be sensitive to that why is he being such a princess when it's coming to bedtime routine?

Oh dear the more you say the more awful it all sounds. He’s not very kind to you at all.
I know this move is very soon but is there something you can do to get yourself out of this trouble? Because you are in trouble. You’re with someone who wants it all his own way and I’m sorry to say man child is about right.
do you have to move to this smaller place with him? Can you look at doing a tenancy on your own do you think?

I know your question was about sleep but he’s being horrible in lots of other areas too and you won’t be able to have your own space at all in a one bed place. Completely under his control.

I’ve often thought how weird it is that we humans created beds to sleep in, and made them with spaces for two to share 🤣 it sounds almost pathetic on the face of it doesn’t it!

I do Co-sleep with my partner as generally it works for us. But it makes total sense that this isn’t always the case for many reasons!! It’s not unusual to have separate beds at all.

I feel for you, not being able to sleep is awful. He sounds an ignorant oaf.

I'm a cuddler in bed, my DH isn't, in those circumstances the non-cuddler gets the final say I think. We have a wee cuddle then move off to our own sides of the bed.

Alternatively get a dog, ours lies like a modesty barrier in between us.

Gosh @WinkyTinky I hope this situation is sorted out ASAP. Meantime try typing "thick futon mattress" into Amazon. That which be more comfortable than your total mat/blanket combination. You could also take it with you when you manage to leave. Good luck. 🌹

@Anon543210

Because at the end of the day he just cares more for what he wants than your needs... 🌹

You are not married to this person.

Is this 3 bed a Council property ? and you are no longer entitled to a 3 bed property

hence the move to a one bed property

he does not need to move with you.

you are in another abusive relationship tho you can't see it yet, abusive in a different way to before.

just remember you are not married to this person, you can leave him any time you like...
or more to the move you can move him out any time you like...

Are you both named on your tenancy OP?

Sorry I don't think I've explained myself very well re the living situation so I am currently in a 3 bed council house tenancy in my name only he moved in about 8 years ago didn't get his name on tenancy because I wanted to make sure if we did split up I would still have a home to live in as his mother lives round the corner from me so if we did ever split up he could go back there as he has a room there.
This new flat I am moving into again is in my name only but obviously he is coming with me.
I have had to downsize as the kids have grown and flown the nest and I am now getting into debt trying to pay for 2 extra bedrooms that I don't need so the council have found me an empty flat on the downsizing team which helps people downsize clear their arrears on an old property and pays for the carpets flooring and removal man and van. As it so happens I now have a moving in date of next Friday 10th may. So that is why I am moving and the current situation I am in.

Also just a couple of other things I should make clear He works full time as a manager of a betting shop. I am not currently working but getting sickness benefits due to my mental health and some other medical issues so although yes I could probably catch up on my sleep in the day I can't because I have to get housework done and obviously coz I'm moving soon I'm sorting stuff for that aswell so very busy at the moment. To top it all off we are due to go on holiday at the end of this month and instead of looking forward to it I've got all this stress coming from all directions and I find myself dreading it because I feel like nothing is going to get done on time.

OP I had this same problem! Instead of letting him come to me, as soon as he got into bed I would roll all the way over to his side and cuddle him, then when I was ready to go sleep, I’d give him a kiss, say night night and roll back over to me lovely free, empty side!!!

See I've tried this but he still rolls onto my side he came home before on his dinner hour from work it's only up the road from the house and I told him that from now on I will give him a kiss and a cuddle then roll over to my side but it doesn't mean I love him any less he said that we might aswell have separate beds coz he likes to be able to touch me and be close to me as he wants a missus not a mate and that I must only want him for companionship which is total bs coz whenever he is off work and we are together I'm always being affectionate with him giving him kisses and cuddles and cuddling up to him other sofa so he knows I love him I just don't get all this sensitivity about this at the moment he's never brought it up before he's a very affectionate person aswell like he will always be touching me or cuddling me and I always reciprocate but it's just when I'm in bed when I want to go to sleep I need my space I don't know maybe we are heading down a break up route which is silly coz we have never big argued before we usually have great banter between each other I don't know what I'm asking anymore.

This is real emotional blackmail from him. His mate wouldn’t kiss him goodnight or give him a cuddle first. Or have sex with him. Or cuddle up to him on the sofa. What he wants is stopping you from sleeping. How is that ok? Keep going with this one, it does matter.

Firstly he needs to accept that it's ok for you to want personal space sometimes.

'I love you but I can't sleep while we are cuddling'. Repeat. It's not ok for him to sulk about this and you can get angry about it if he continues to sulk.

Otherwise when you have had enough say 'move over now DP, I'm falling out.' If necessary wake him up to say this.

You are not being unreasonable!

Even when I spoke to his mum about it on the phone before (we are very close and speak everyday and regularly I will go round her house or she mine) she even agreed with me that it's too much and that even her and her husband don't cuddle all night coz they both need their personal space so I know this is not normal.
He can't be that bothered either coz a couple of years ago when the covid bam for travel was lifted I went to Portugal for a week on my own and left him at home with the dog and cats and he seemed to sleep fine then as I was in a bed thousands of miles away and he got to sleep on his own every night that I was away over 7 days so this is another reason I don't understand it all and how sudden it's come on aswell in the nearly 11 years we have been together why is he just bringing this up now as its not new me needing my own personal space?

He is being an absolute arse about this. You're not a girlfriend plushy ffs.

@Anon543210

Maybe consider telling him, firmly, that you want to take a break for a while from the date you move into your smaller home. That you want to take your time to move in properly, on your own, and to fall asleep quickly and deeply, as you're already so tired from lack of sleep and will be exhausted post move.

You can take him up on his offer to go back to his mum's, just round the corner, and sleep in his bed there. He should take his clothes, etc round to his mum's as there'll be less room in your new flat.

Also do consider how claustrophobic you will feel with him in a one bed flat vs a three bed house....

Remember to re-register with the Council for a one bed flat with only one adult living there (and claim your 25% single adult occupier discount), which should help with your finances a bit. 🌹