What happened after you discovered his affair?

[thirtyseven37]

My own situation is this:

Long term marriage, unhappy with unpleasantness, bickering and no sex.

Possible separation previous brought up but DH didn't ever want to and I hoped things would get better.

His affair discovered when I snooped on his phone.

DH has moved into spare room.

We need to talk but I'm not ready to so he's been around a bit for the kids but disappearing to his room once they're in bed.

What the hell happens now?

Next week, I'm planning to tell the kids (together) that we've decided to separate as he's going to stay with his parents for a few days to give me space.

I feel like most other women would have hit the roof and thrown their cheating DH out. I feel nothing.

He says he wants the family unit to remain together in the house. Is this madness?

I'm thinking that the first step should be to start separating our finances. At the moment he pays for all the big things. I earn so much less than him.

I feel so lost and overwhelmed and like this isn't real. He was making a cup of tea earlier as if nothing untoward has happened when actually he's been sleeping with another woman in a hotel behind my back.

I’m sorry you’re in this position- I’m going through something similar myself. I’ve no hate or anger left as I’ve had years of infidelity from him. I’m much more ‘meh’ about that now. I wanted a loving relationship and in the past have turned myself in knots working hard at this - but it was one sided. Now I am making the choices - and my choice is that when the youngest has finished GCSEs this year he is going. He’s having another fling which he thinks I’m oblivious to. I know exactly what he’s doing.

I do not want to live with him a moment longer than I have to there’s no sex now, no intimacy at all. I didn’t want to risk STDs when I knew he was sleeping with others. I am looking forward to not having to clean up after him, or pretend to family and friends that we have a perfect relationship.

I felt so confused and lost for a long time and spent literally years floundering and struggling mentally. As soon as I’d decided what I wanted to do I felt better. Making that first step to stop doing his washing, or to stop cooking for him, or even stop talking to him (about anything other than the kids) will help.

Stay strong - keep focused- you’ve got this!

Oh and the cup of tea thing? He’s compartmentalising. I’m too emotional to be able to do that. My stbx does similar. In fact I found he could bring me breakfast in bed, be very charming and try to get me ‘rolling around’, tell me he loved me, and 30 secs later be whatsapping the other woman telling her he loved her too. Except he didn’t realise his phone was linked to the iPad so I was watching messages in the next room. What a catch huh?

He’s a dirt bag, your husband. You make sure you prioritise yourself and you and your family’s happiness.

He says he wants the family unit to remain together in the house. Is this madness?

This isn't surprising, since when you mooted separation before he didn't want it. No doubt likes the living situation in the family home with the children, with you probably doing a lot to make his life easier? And with his infidelity in the open, he may be envisaging having the home comforts and free reign to shag around.

I'm not sure what benefit you would get from it, though? You'd just be stuck in place, with all the downsides of living with someone without the advantages.

Initially I had only circumstantial evidence of his affair and he denied everything.
I wanted him out. He stayed for months, claiming he was looking for a place to live. He occupied the main rooms of the house. He wanted me out of the way so he could talk to his affair partner, so he created a horrible atmosphere if I appeared. He'd turn on some crap on the TV he knew I hated to drive me out. I spent most of my time in the spare room. He put a load of new face creams and perfume (for him) in the bathroom, obviously to smell nice for his affair partner. He'd come back home late from being with his affair partner. It was horrible and I wouldn't recommend house sharing as a result.

To move things along I also snooped, after which he was less cocky, but he still took his time leaving. In the end I had to make his life unpleasant too to get him out - by stubbornly sitting with him in the living room in the evenings and talking about his affair, so he couldn't have a lovely chat with the OW and it was uncomfortable for him.

We agreed on an interim solution - he moved out and lived in a small flat nearby until the kids were older. They went to visit him in that time and we shared costs. After that his dad paid me back what I'd put into the mortgage and he got the house, which he shared with the kids for a couple more years.

He was very keen on "not taking the children's home away". Trying to sound like he had the children's best interests at heart, to distract from his affair antics which included sitting next to the kids texting his OW in full view, so that they came to me and reported what he'd written.

Don't let him guilt you into doing things you don't want to by playing the "mustn't destroy the family unit" card, as if he didn't throw a hand grenade in the family unit.

In a rush but just wanted to point out that if you separate you can get half of his pension pot in cash. I did that myself. You need to get a good lawyer.

OP, get yourself to Chump Lady. She’s very good at debunking the stuff the cheating spouses say.

Basically he wants the comfort of a house, laundry, cooked food, kids taken care of and his nice bit of side kick to fuck.
He wants to have his cake and eat it. You are supposed to shut up and put up and not question his motives.

You have been degraded to the role of kitchen appliance with built in child care setting.

Once you mention separation he might make all the right noises- counselling, let’s stay for the kids, I’ve finished with her, it was just sex,blah,blah,blah.

Let me guess, you are default parent?

What are you getting from this relationship now? No sex, no conversation, no time spent together,no affection- OW has it all. Is that what you want for yourself?

I walked. He’s not happy as it’s apparently finished but I don’t give a flying fig. 3 years of lies and deceit. Had enough. He’s welcome to shack up with her.

What I'm getting from him is financial stability, a large house and garden and a partner to holiday with (first trip abroad this year plus camping) rather than having to manage taking the kids alone.

Hmm, but do you want to go on holiday with this man who's cheating on you, that you bicker and have an unpleasant atmosphere with, though?

Is the holiday abroad with parents who don't like each other better for the kids than no holiday or a cheap holiday?

If you split, yeah, it's going to be financially more difficult, but there are other things that matter too.

Has he stopped seeing her or is he expecting to keep you both? You don’t need to rush to anything.

I would say don't rush. Not that I think you should stay together as a couple (unpleasantness and no intimacy are a good reason to separate, plus the infidelity), just that you don't have to throw him out in a drama or announce things to the kids. You can take time to figure out what you want, figure out what the next steps are, and only involve the kids when you have something more concrete than "we don't love each other, no idea what's next though" to tell them.

He's stopped seeing her. It was a fling. She thought he was single.

You sound very sure.

The trouble with him having broken your trust, is how can you believe that he is now telling the truth. Or that he will continue to do so.

Isn't it more likely that he will lie any time a lie is more convenient for him?

So, you aren't sleeping with him? And haven't been for some time?

Firstly I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

Do you want a fully functional, sexual and loving relationship with him? It sounds like you've checked out already, which may help you navigate this easier. Or are you just in shock?

So...not only has he lied to and betrayed you, let his family and children down but he has tricked and lied to the other woman, deceiving her just to get his leg over. He isn't a good man OP.

Keeping the family unit intact and living a lie will end up with him having another affair. His would he feel if you wanted to take on a lover?

Yes it is madness. He needs to leave.

I told my h I wanted a trial separation and he went to his mother's. I'm divorcing him. All the kids re at uni/living independently. House will be sold once h stops being a dickhead.

Did your ex dh get half of your?

“Prioritise the family unit” my arse! That’s code for I don’t have anywhere else to go yet.

When I realised and confronted my OH he told me everything. He had a fling after 25 years of marriage.

I was numb, really couldn't believe he'd done it. He moved into spare room, ended the affair.

We both wanted to reconcile, which was hard going, but are in a really good place now.

It is possible if you both want to stay together, but it is not an easy path. Try the survivinginfidelity.com

However, it sounds like you want to end it. In which case, good solicitor and finding out what divorce split would look like is vital.

@thirtyseven37 you sound really numb and also like you’ve been alone with your kids before as a single parent by your references to holidays and having someone to go with. I might be wrong?

No one on here can tell you what to do but have you spoken to your H. Is he apologetic or shifting the blame on you?

Tell us how we can help you. Do not be afraid of being judged because this is your life and your choices. I would only say listen to advice and take it on board.

I know ending a relationship is very hard but you are describing a situation before you found out which was horrible. Do you mean for this to continue with the extra hurt and tension caused by his fling?

Christ there's some princes about aren't there?

@category12

I'm not sure what benefit you would get from it, though? You'd just be stuck in place, with all the downsides of living with someone without the advantages.
Financial benefits I guess. Ge earns a lot more than OP.

It sounds like the marriage was long over. Bickering. No love it pleasantness. No intimacy. I think this is why OP isn't feeling truly rageful. It really was a matter of time before one or the other met someone else.

Co habitung will only work short term. I agree OP. You need conversations about finances etc.

Why does he need to leave? The marriage was over a long time ago.

You would want to live with someone you don't love anymore?

As long as you and your children are safe, then there is no time line. You can take as much time as you/ and or him wants. No decision needs to be made now.

Just be careful he doesn't start hiding assets and starts spending/ hidding your savings.

You can try to forgive him. Or become housemates.

It wasn't safe financially for my ex to stay in my house. So I asked his siblings for help with housing him and see if they could convince him to sign the lease over to me. It was joint before. He made a lot of money but he stopped paying the rent and had taken bill money and spent it on God knows what. I still have expensive jewellery missing.

If you stay with your ex, keep an eye on your finances would be my advice.

Thanks for all your responses. I feel like a mug to be honest. Apart from sleeping in the spare room and retreating there in the evening, nothing has changed. He is still eating with us and being around - playing guitar in the lounge, sitting at the table with his laptop and leaving his crap everywhere. I asked him to go and work upstairs earlier as I just began to feel so angry as I was pottering around with him sat there. We've got a 'normal' family event this weekend then he's away next week. Nice little break for him whilst I continue with chores and childcare. I don't know what to do 😫