What happened after you discovered his affair?

[thirtyseven37]

My own situation is this:

Long term marriage, unhappy with unpleasantness, bickering and no sex.

Possible separation previous brought up but DH didn't ever want to and I hoped things would get better.

His affair discovered when I snooped on his phone.

DH has moved into spare room.

We need to talk but I'm not ready to so he's been around a bit for the kids but disappearing to his room once they're in bed.

What the hell happens now?

Next week, I'm planning to tell the kids (together) that we've decided to separate as he's going to stay with his parents for a few days to give me space.

I feel like most other women would have hit the roof and thrown their cheating DH out. I feel nothing.

He says he wants the family unit to remain together in the house. Is this madness?

I'm thinking that the first step should be to start separating our finances. At the moment he pays for all the big things. I earn so much less than him.

I feel so lost and overwhelmed and like this isn't real. He was making a cup of tea earlier as if nothing untoward has happened when actually he's been sleeping with another woman in a hotel behind my back.

It sounds like he is sweeping it all under the carpet like “ Nothing to see here, please move on”.
I would get very angry too as he is brazenly carrying on with normal life.
Do you feel hurt? Do you actually want him? And do you feel uneasy about him being away as an opportunity to see the ow?
Can you possibly take a few hours for yourself this weekend? Just tell him seeing as he’s away next week that you will not be around Saturday afternoon ect? Create some space to breathe!

He's burying his head in the sound while trying to be normal so that you forget everything and it all goes back to how it was before.

What happened? I got a lawyer and divorced the cheating SOB. I strongly recommend you do the same.

Yes this feels like what is happening.

What was it like between the time you found out and when you divorced? I'm finding living with him so hard and it's only been a few days.

Is there nowhere else he can go? I asked my STBEH for a trial separation and suggested he went to his mum. Thankfully he did. All under an hour without a single word to try and save our marriage.

and it was supposed to be head in the sand of course. Bloody iPad.

Mine won't leave

Then you'll have to go full on grey rock. Tell him you are strangers living in the same house. No joint washing, cooking, activities. And stick to it. It won't be easy with the dc but as soon as it can all be sorted the better. The reality is if you finalise a divorce within a year you've done well.

My mum just old me the same thing

*told me!

And your mum is right. How do you know it’s finished? Because he told you? Well,he said or not said a lot of things. Do you still trust him?

All cheaters lie. However you dress it they lie. Get yourself to Chump Lady and read on her stuff.

Truly remorseful partner should answer all the questions,ask for forgiveness and ask what they could do to save the marriage. Is him doing that? No.Just sitting down playing his fucking guitar hoping that you’ll stop nagging and his home comforts and services(including sex) will return to “business as usual”.

This is your life and your decisions to make but he’s not doing an absolute minimum to show his commitment to save your relationship.

It’s difficult living life this! I did it for 3 years with ExH but do what you need to do.
He had an ow but would never leave me and kids so I filed the divorce and we lived under same roof through a lock down so had to make it work! Just set ground rules and boundaries.
it’s good you’ve got your mum and it sounds like you stopped loving him a long time ago! So let’s heartbreak and get a good settlement!

No chores done for him, he can cook, wash his own clothes, buy his own food and keep his room clean.
Meanwhile, as he pays there's no rush to separate finances until divorce and house sale is done, or you stay and get a mesher order until DC's are 18, then sell. Or he buys you out by giving you at least 50 % of the equity and you set yourself up elsewhere with that, plus maintenance, half all savings and a share of his pension.
Your finances could end up quite reasonable, there are many options. But get a solicitor ASAP and take their advice.
You can put things in motion while staying the same meantime, it all takes a while to sort anyway. You don't even need to let on what your up to until papers get served to him if you want to keep him sweet and use any guilt he might have to your advantage. You have the power to drive the timeline as he is OK with the status quo.

Thank you m. These posts are helping to lift the fog.

What happened? Initially he begged and cried to stay with me and our family. He then spent the better part of a year talking to her on a second phone as " they had no one else to talk to about how they were feeling" 🙄 her husband discovered this as did I and communications stopped then ( I think) . He was a misery for the next 3 years acting as if he was the badly done by one. He then left the home one day without saying anything and went to live with a relative. It took us about two years to get divorced due to finances and property. She meanwhile had left her husband and they are now married. My experience is that their knee jerk reaction is panic and to try to maintain the status married quo. They will still lie though and you will never get the full story. It's early days for you @thirtyseven37 and it's difficult - hellish - but you will survive. For me I am now remarried to a man who loves me to bits in a way I was never really loved by my first husband.

Take no notice of @Jane1212 spammer.

He doesn't want a separation. So what?! It isn't up to him. You can divorce without him agreeing. He is thinking of himself only. Like he's been doing through his affair.

Do what's right for you and the DCs. Which is getting rid of him.

He left as soon as I found out. Told me he was going to his mums (yeah right, went to OW, obvs, so that put a lid on it for me). You really need to get him to leave if you can op. You need time and space to think.