I really can’t get over this, please help!

[Googoodoll87]

Hey

I posted a while ago about how my partner of 12 years walked out in January with no real explanation although I suspected him
of messaging another woman.

I would never admit it and tried to claim he happened to bump into her a few weeks after leaving and they began speaking then.

I’ve been stalking her social media’s ever since and I can’t stop. I seen a video on her TikTok recently which confirmed he is with her, he is living at his mums and our daughter was there to spend time with him a few weekends ago, he lied to her and said he was at a stag do but he was actually away to London with her.

I honestly can’t believe he would do that, I can’t believe any of this is happening. None of his behaviour corresponds with who I thought he was.

It’s been nearly 4 months and I don’t feel any better it’s just stab in the heart after stab in the heart, she is everything I’m not. She looks so stunning, glamorous, sexy, outgoing, confident and fun in her photos and videos and I’m just not any of that. I don’t even get how he’s managed to pull a woman like her tbh.

i can’t stop thinking of them together having sex and loads of fun and falling in love whilst I’m heartbroken still and I don’t think I’ll ever get better. Shouldn’t it be a bit better by now?

I want to stop caring but I feel so inferior and ugly in comparison to them and like my life is so boring.

sorry for the long rant but thanks if you read it x

You need to go no contact. You need to put your self at the forefront here.

It doesn't matter how attractive she is.

It doesn't matter how happy he looks.

You need to make him and everything about him insignificant to you now!

All of that crap fades - beauty, looks, body.

He has shown you who he is. And he is not a catch.

She's had your trash, let her keep it.

Thank you.

How do I do that though? I keep trying to remind myself of all the negative things about him/the relationship etc but I just can’t stop thinking of it 24/7 and feeling completely worthless and heartbroken he doesn’t want me and wants her instead. He doesn’t miss me after everything we’ve been through and that hurts me so much. I really want nothing more than to forget about him/them and be happy but I’m worried I never will and they’ve just walked off into the sunset.

Cliché but time is a healer 💐

You're not inferior and you're not ugly.

What you see on SM isn't necessarily their actual life. She's probably also sitting at home wondering what he's up to and who he is messaging.

She's had your trash, let her keep it@SOSyoucandothis is spot on here.

No more googling her on social media for a start. It will make moving on so much harder and take much longer. Work on looking after yourself, rather than thinking of him/them all the time. Maybe consider getting some counselling or as a start a few self help books on learning how to value yourself more.
Their relationship started as an affair, never a good foundation for happy ever after.

I keep hoping she is just on the rebound as she was with someone just in December, and will dump him soon but 4 months now so guess not.

I don’t understand why he is just a different person all of a sudden. When he was denying texting her before we split he was shouting at me on the phone that his conscience was clear but then why lie to his mum and our daughter about where he was the weekend he was supposed to spend time with daughter? Even ditching her is something I never thought he would do. I don’t recognise him at all.

It's only been a couple of months, OP - you're still reeling.

Give yourself more time and please stop torturing yourself by stalking her social media.

It's 12 years of your life, grieve, get angry, feel your feelings, and slowly you'll start to recover. You won't always feel this way, I promise.

BTDT (except the glamour bit, my ex ran away with a moose).

It’s early days and you are in shock which is why you are trying to make sense of it all and running it over and over in your head.

His departure was not sudden to him which is why he’s out and about frolicking and generally being a deekhead.

As hard as it is, you need to realise that the romantic relationship is over and you are now in a business transaction. Use your energy to look after yourself, take care of your daughter, organise your paperwork and think about what next steps look like.

Even though he deserves nothing, and assuming there is no risk to your daughter, she deserves the opportunity to have a good relationship with her dad so try to separate the two.

As mentioned above, you need to grey rock. What this means is no crying and pleading, no telling him more than he needs to know, just think “business” about this.

I promise you, the road ahead is bumpy but you will get through this and over this and on to a better life with people who appreciate and love you xx

I’ve never spoken to him about anything other than very short replies to messages on when he’s to get daughter since end of February which I am proud of myself for that. But I blocked his number and just go through his mum for that now as kept thinking he might text me to apologise or say he miss me but he never did and never will so at least now I won’t be hoping.

Does anyone have any tips on how to fall out of love? And also is this normal to still be so gutted four months on? I feel like it’s got worse rather than better. Is there any chance this woman could be just using him as a stop gap as not to sound superficial but she is way out of his league and he is a major downgrade for her compared to her exes? (That sounds horrible I know)

I know I could never go back but I just want him to be with anyone but her.

thank you for all the replies, I really appreciate it.

Maybe try talking to a counsellor to try and unstick yourself a bit? Or journalling all the thoughts out?

And remember, what you see online is the carefully curated version of her, not her with a cold or loo roll stuck to her butt or whatever. She's just a human being.

You need to treat him like you would any other breaking a unhealthy addiction.

Literally, Google how to break an addiction, and apply those things to your feelings for him.

It's totally normal for you to grieve. To feel crap. I'm going through it myself. I keep reminding myself it's my body processing and it's ok to feel that way.

...but it's underlined with the determined attitude of don't look back, keep moving forwards.

Tips: running till you can't feel anymore and you cry your heart out and it hurts, but you keep rubbing. Podcasts focused on mindset, empowerment, self love, breathwork, a healthy diet, throw yourself into a interesting project, try and feel the newfound freedom you have (because I promise you at some point you will feel so much liberty being single), start new hobbies or try that thing you've always wanted to do. For me it's been ice skating, pottery wheels and writing a book. Book experiences you've always wanted to : live shows, theatre, comedy, sport, exhibitions, bloody Riverdance. Controversial but I'm also gona say get out dating. I'm not ready for a serious commitment at all, but meeting kind men is a real wake up call that there are SO MANY MORE FISH IN THE SEA.

You will be fine. And one day you will look back and think why the hell did I waste so much emotion and time on that waster. You will.

In the meantime, be kind to yourself.

And let yourself get angry.

Omg *running not rubbing

He's been an absolute bastard - you know that. You need to believe that he is who he has now shown you he is. Block both of them on everything. You don't need salt rubbed in your wounds.

It doesn't matter who he is with. It's irrelevant. He chose to cheat on you and leave you and it is no odds who that person is. She might look ok on the outside but she might be an absolute cunt. I hope for his sake, she is.

I know this is going against the grain, but if you want to be happy again and get over this then I think you need to have a different outlook. I hate all these posts that talk about him being trash, her being trash. I mean, that might be the case but it also might not be - you obviously fell in love with him for a reason so categorising him as ‘trash’ is more like a sticking plaster than actually helping you process what happened and move on.

There are probably two parts to this: the betrayal and the inferiority you feel. For the first, the betrayal, you need to process and deal with that in a similar way to any trauma. You need to know and accept that this is entirely about someone else’s lack of loyalty and honesty and has nothing to do with any flaws or imperfections on your part. You have to see yourself as the stronger character here and the one worthy of finding love again and maintaining healthy relationships.

The second is the inferiority you feel. Honestly, stop looking at her online. It will eat away at you. I know this is easier said than done but I think accepting what has happened and realising that people can fall in and out of love is essential to moving on. He loved you, you grew together, and your journey unfortunately came to an end sooner than you would have liked. Try to get to a place where him, and especially his new partner, are irrelevant to you. If he is letting your daughter down then that needs to be openly confronted, but try not to get it mixed up with feelings of jealousy about who he’s with or what he’s doing.

I suppose in the end we can only really control our own actions and behaviours and at least you know you can walk away with your head held high.

This kind of split is just like a sudden death. It will absolutely take time to process and heal. Expect all the usual stages - denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Be kind to yourself.

Remember that comparison is the thief of joy. What you know of this woman is from her social media accounts - a very carefully curated, one-dimensional glimpse of her life. She poos and pees and wakes up in the morning with disgusting breath, like all the rest of us. Your feelings of inadequacy in comparison to her are a bit misleading. She could be anyone, and I can almost guarantee you would have similar feelings. Because your self-esteem has taken a knock.

So see this as an opportunity. Once the initial shock has worn off, sit down and reflect on what changes you can make for yourself to make yourself more confident and happy. Build yourself up. Whether that's your fitness, your job, your friendships, a hobby. I'd urge you to do this before you launch yourself into the dating scene. Please don't start dating while your self-esteem is on the floor - that's when you tend to attract bampots.

Be proactive in formalising the divorce/separation. You are not getting back together so take back some control and power by being the one who gets the ball rolling with things like formal child arrangement and maintenance.

How is your child doing?

Keep reminding yourself that he is a duplicitous gaslighting toad. He lied and lied and then walked away from his family to get together with a party girl. He’s not the man you thought he was, you are in love with an ideal that never existed.
Of course social media will show her looking glam and them having a good time, but that’s actually quite obnoxious behaviour, given the circumstances.
He sounds quite despicable. He lied to his mum because he knew she would be disappointed in his moral standards.
It’s huge shock for you, but he’s just not who you thought he was.

Best way to get over someone is to get under someone else!

can't you find your own distraction from it all. Not saying you date. But some casual fun or even flirting might help you take your mind of it

@80schildhood thanks you. My daughter seems as if she couldn’t care less which I was very surprised with. She’s never said a word about it 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Rockiepride ive thought about that but I just feel so boring, worthless and undesirable right now, do t think I’d be a good date. Don’t even remember how to flirt ha!

The thing that gets to me is, he never showed any interest in doing things with me, didn’t even as much as want to come to Tesco with me the he’s so desperate to go away with her that he’ll lie to and ditch his own daughter to do so. That really hurts

I guarantee you are not boring, undesirable and definitely not worthless! I know you’re having a hard time, but you have a lot to offer. Time to get some PMA going and show the world what you’ve got. Make yourself feel great, get out and have some fun. It doesn’t need to be dating, go to places you enjoy, see friends, do something you’ve always wanted to do. Your brand new life is waiting for you

Well how about spending some time thinking about what you want to do? Get out and about. Go to the cinema, plan something different to do with your daughter. Meet up with some friends or family. If funds allow, maybe get some highlights or whatever. Stop following her in social media. Do something positive for yourself instead. Get a plan. This time next year you'll wonder what you ever saw in him.

Oh love that's hard. When I wanted to get over someone then I concentrated on all the ick behaviours I wouldn't have to put up with anymore. One on your list should be how gross for a man to be so enamoured with a shiny new thing that he just forgets your history. Yuck. Not a good man.
And get yourself out living. Not to jump into relationships but get yourself out with friends and dating for fun. These things really are the best distraction.

He's done you a big favour and he's not thinking with his brains.

People usually only share their best photos online. Sometimes they even edit them.

Also, she doesn't post the times where she's sat at home eating whatsits in her pants. But I guarantee you she has days like that.

I would stop watching her on social media half of what people post is not real about there perfect relationships. Focus on yourself chances are these two will never trust each other. If he walked out because he was cheating then your lucky he has gone. He will be watching her knowing that she has no problem getting involved with someone in a relationship.She will keep a close eye on him also knowing he cheated and walked on you someday the same could happen with her.

I think it’s clear you’re struggling badly and have fallen down the rabbit hole in terms of becoming obsessed with them. I’m afraid your daughter will realise your unhappiness, likely why she isn’t saying anything,

for both your sake you need to stop looking at their social media, it is feeding the issue, feeding your pain, and causing you to spiral.

no one can predict if they will stay together or not or how their relationship is. Ignore posters proclaiming they have insights into their relationship, they are simply giving you pretend false hope, that may ultimately cause you more pain in the long run.

start today, block their social media, force yourself not to look. Book counselling if you habe the funds. Possibly speak to your gp, to see if there is some help to get you back on your feet. Keep yourself busy with other things. Divert your mind. Only you can pull yourself back out of this hole. And you need to do it now, for your and your daughters sake. As if you don’t you will continue to spiral and live a very unhappy life.

💐