I really can’t get over this, please help!

[Googoodoll87]

Hey

I posted a while ago about how my partner of 12 years walked out in January with no real explanation although I suspected him
of messaging another woman.

I would never admit it and tried to claim he happened to bump into her a few weeks after leaving and they began speaking then.

I’ve been stalking her social media’s ever since and I can’t stop. I seen a video on her TikTok recently which confirmed he is with her, he is living at his mums and our daughter was there to spend time with him a few weekends ago, he lied to her and said he was at a stag do but he was actually away to London with her.

I honestly can’t believe he would do that, I can’t believe any of this is happening. None of his behaviour corresponds with who I thought he was.

It’s been nearly 4 months and I don’t feel any better it’s just stab in the heart after stab in the heart, she is everything I’m not. She looks so stunning, glamorous, sexy, outgoing, confident and fun in her photos and videos and I’m just not any of that. I don’t even get how he’s managed to pull a woman like her tbh.

i can’t stop thinking of them together having sex and loads of fun and falling in love whilst I’m heartbroken still and I don’t think I’ll ever get better. Shouldn’t it be a bit better by now?

I want to stop caring but I feel so inferior and ugly in comparison to them and like my life is so boring.

sorry for the long rant but thanks if you read it x

Sorry this has happened to you OP. You are so much better than the pair of them.

like others have said you need to put yourself first now. Be kind to yourself like you would a friend or sister that you love.

Get off SM. Looking at it is like a form of self harm.
Get some support- Relate do counselling after break ups.
Make sure you are trying to eat, sleep gentle exercise and whatever self care you can.
Lean on friends and family. Don’t feel embarrassed or ashamed to tell them.
He is a vile lying , cheating arsehole. She’s welcome to him.
Hes cheated because he’s a weak amoral person. It’s nothing to do with you or how you look (I bet she’s not as gorgeous as you think it’s easy to make yourself look good on TikTok, or so my 14 yr old tells me. What adult does fecking TikToks)

She isn't better than you.

He didn't choose her because she's glamorous or looks good on videos etc. He chose her because her self esteem is low enough that she accepted the attention of a married man. He chose her because she was weak enough to fall for his attempts at seduction.

You've been together 12 years. That probably means you're in your 30s or 40s? Think about the kind of person who is your age but still seeking validation from TikTok. That's not someone you want to emulate. That's someone to pity.

It was safe with you. That's why he didn't feel the need to go on trips etc. With her, he has to work hard to keep her attention because he knows their foundations are rocky and won't hold. It will get tiring, this continuous attempt to impress. He won't be showing her his true self. Just like she doesn't show her true self on TikTok.

So hold your head up high OP. You are better than both of them. Much, much better. Focus on your daughter and start doing things for you.

I keep trying to remind myself of all the negative things about him/the relationship

There's your issue then. Even in trying to focus on why he/they shouldn't be in your life any more, you focus on his/their qualities.

Even thinking 'He is shit' is a form of thinking about him, so by continually doing this, you still continually think of him.

Answer this: Without reference to him/them, what would make your life more interesting, and make you feel better about it?

Write a list of what you didn’t like about your relationship. So the fact he wouldn’t do anything etc. Be very specific and add to it as you remember things. This will help you as you can read it when you are struggling.

He is a liar - you know that. He lies rather than choosing to tell the truth. That may be because he hates conflict or because he’s sly or because he is a people pleaser or because he doesn’t want others to see him a the bad guy.

However stop looking at the SM. The new woman has not got herself a prize. She has won a liar. Now he may suddenly become an amazing boyfriend or he may just be showing his best side for the first 12 months. He’s not stopped being a liar though. You know that from his actions.

You have suffered a traumatic event so look after yourself. There’s a book called Love yourself like your life depends on it by Kamil Ravikant. It’s worth a read, the exercises work. Then write the shit list and reread and add. Be very specific about things you didn’t like about him.

My post contradicts the one above but i would write a shit list at this stage so you don’t end up romanticising the past. By having a detailed list (which you can always tuck away in a file) if you spiral and focus on missing him and what you have lost you can remind yourself that things weren’t always great and actually he wasn’t a great partner.

Then write a list of what is good and what you appreciate now.

She is now the 'partner'. That has left a gap. Pretty soon, he will have another OW
While he has been the grandest of shits, and you are understandably devastated, it will get better. One day, quite unexpectedly, you will realise you didn't spend all day on Insta looking at her feed, you'll have been out for lunch and had a great time.
You are grieving - you will be all over the place for some time. But remember, she is not in a precarious position

They say social media stalking is pain hunting, it's true. It will never feel okay. Best to block everything

Cmon now. The op doesn’t know he cheated, from the way she’s written it it is likely he left before anything happened. And if that’s the case, the marriage is already over. And no it doesn’t mean he is now going to have lots of affairs.

Avoid the social media - you need to fake it until you make it and keep telling yourself you don't care about him. Sing along to some good man hating faminist pop. Find some great podcasts that celebrate the single woman and talk about how to date in a healthy way for the future. Give yourself a year (from the last time you search one or other out on social media as that just sets you right back). It generally takes that long to completely wash them out of your system!

Sending a handhold and a hug.
Many of us have been where you’re at.

I can guarantee that what goes around, comes around.

If you work hard on shutting your thoughts about him/her and SM stalking down, very soon you will be feeling much stronger.

Get yourself out there, new activities, exercise, Utube make up lessons, get nails done, self care stuff.

Revenge is a dish best served cold and one day you will be feeling very happy again and can raise two fingers to him. He might even come crawling back in which case I hope by then you will be strong enough to tell him to “Fk off!”
Good luck OP. You’ve got this!

Thank you everyone so much for all the helpful advice. I’m going to keep looking back at this thread to remind myself and help me when I feel bad so thank you. He may not have have physically cheated but he was definitely emotionally as all the signs were there and the exact person I suspected is who he’s with now. I just want to make this pain stop. And I don’t want to end up being alone forever now, I’m 36 and feel like everyone is already in relationships. I don’t want to be miserable when they are so happy

Honestly the first thing to do is to stop looking online at her. You’ll be surprised how quickly you stop wanting/needing to look once you stop feeding that need. Every time he pops into your head just say “he’s not for me” like it’s your choice. You’ll soon believe it. This works.

Thanks I’ll do that and going to make a shit list and list of positives too. Really hope it works. I’m determined to get over this I need to I don’t want to waste the rest of my life over someone who hasn’t given me a second thought

Hi OP

I'm sorry you're going through this.

My advice is to stop looking on their social medias. Please block them. Also what is put on social media doesnt always match reality. If he can ditch his daughter and the mother of his child then he can ditch his girlfriend. Give it time. Because one day she will be sat at home wondering what he's up to and messaging, and by this point you'd be stronger than ever ❤️

You need to rephrase the things that are upsetting you:

eg: You are boring.
NO - you are a dedicated mum who doesn't lie to avoid your child and go shagging instead.

He's a lying selfish turd and she's deluded. What a prize she has won herself.

Also remember looking happy, confident, attractive etc on social media is total fakery. If she was soooooo blissfully happy, why would she waste time on social media.

A little rubbing might help cheering her up too ;-)

All the stuff here I’d do but I’d also throw myself into a new hobby, maybe join a female only book club if time allows so you get yourself out of the house and focus on something else.

Then start with one small step a week or challenge to do with your daughter, go to a new place. Buy a new top/jacket which really suits you, preferably in a brighter colour. Or get a hair change. Enlist a glam friend to help if you need help there.

If time and money allows this is what I did after a long breakup. I immersed myself in a week long summer school (mosaics) but after another one I got last minute time off work and went to Portugal to a wellness spa/holiday place where you could do classes, massage etc. I got a good deal on the wellness break as it was sort of out of tourist season. And then added another week where I went to Porto/Lisbon and sightseed.

Trust me the new person is probably trying to put on her best look to maybe show you what you’re missing or as desperate attempt to keep him. You don’t want to do the pick me dance or get into their game playing but it must be tricky seeing them or her around, looking good. It’d kill me too.

You really think some dodgy healer or voodoo type shit will help here?!

Best way to get over someone is to sometimes get under someone new even if it’s only a fling.

Again with the comparisons. One thing I learned from my own similar situation is that other people thought we were solid and our split shined a light on their own relationships. Forget about other people being in relationships- half of them are unhappy and over a third of all marriages end in divorce.

Expect to lose a few friends - either they’ve got their own issues or your split rattles their little system of boxes they’ve put everyone into. Whatever. You’ll also get pleasantly surprised by other people stepping up and coming into your life.

Dont rush love. Go on some dates, sure but the important thing here feels like you need to find yourself a little before you find someone else. Being single has certain freedoms and flexibility you don’t have in any relationship so enjoy that part of your life.

I’m going to suggest that you are allowing your thoughts to become obsessive.

I have every sympathy, I’m just divorcing and I allowed my resentment and anger at the unfairness of it all to become practically the only thing I thought and talked about.

Think of it like an addiction and try and plan ways to stop your thoughts controlling you. It’s so very, very, very hard. Maybe even look up how people deal with OCD and intrusive thoughts.

You say you want to start getting over this, and that it’s getting worse not better. Write lists, plan a strategy and tactics, read online, buy books.

The simple thing that is recommended is that EVERY TIME you realise you are obsessing about him, her, the situation - you push those thoughts away and deliberately think of something else practical or pleasant.

I can tell you that it is hard, but you have to change your automatic thought process. The brain can get wired to think a certain way. I.e. A smell can immediately make you feel panic, if say, it’s a perfume worn by someone who was horrible to you.

Reach out for therapy, CBT if you can access it. Remember, you are letting your past ruin your present life. You deserve more, letting go is hard.