‘Don’t settle’ - tell me how you have applied this, please.

[Getitgirl]

I met an incredible older woman around Christmas time who was well dressed, happily married (2nd time around) and clearly doing well for herself. We bonded over many glasses of wine at a networking do. Her parting words to me were ‘don’t you dare ever settle!’

i’m about to break up with someone who I know won’t make me happy long term and I’ve had a recent bereavement so am looking at life through a philosophical lens. This piece of advice stuck in my mind.

Can you tell me about a time where you didn’t settle? How did that pan out for you?

Recently. It would have been easy to continue the relationship that at its core wasn't great. Pursue the marriage and children stuff. At 40 it wasn't easy.

The decision to end the relationship seemed to take ages and the one day happened all at once. Not sure if that makes sense? Like an epiphany.

I made the choice I would pursue a different life. That not being with him was going to be better but that I'd have to ensure that was the case not just expect it to happen to me. I would pursue happiness, except I might be alone forever. Think about pursuing other things, finding what mattered. Putting my happiness above everything else.

I see so many friends and acquaintances unhappy with men that don't deserve them, miserable wihj their standard family set up. I didn't want it to be me.

I'm much happier now. I believe I made the right decision and I'm now dating a lovely man who I have thought long and hard about being with, making sure I focus on what it's bringing to my life.

I didn't seek out anyone new and I know I'll be fine if it doesn't work out but it's been a nice surprise.

Good luck op.

Think about how you’d feel if you broke up. Would you be devastated or relieved? First instinct tells you a lot.
(Obviously it’s more difficult if kids, shared lives, finances are involved, but for a relationship with no strings, I don’t settle).

Ultimately the way to put it into practice is to build a life for yourself which is so good without a partner in it that any potential partner has to pretty much have it all to convince you that you should have them stick around; and to really like yourself and who you are, and feel protective of your own happiness. I wouldn’t have settled for somebody who didn’t actively improve upon my already really fantastic life, and who wasn’t as great as I am.

Which is why “settling” is quite a complex and challenging concept: women, broadly, are socialised to believe that having a partner is preferable to not having a partner, and a lot of women lack the self-confidence and self-esteem to examine whether they’re in a relationship because it makes them happy or simply because they don’t want to be on their own. I think it’s also exacerbated of course by the fact that many women want to be mothers and only have a relatively short window for that - which makes them more likely to settle with a partner who they don’t desperately fancy or even love, but who is kind and has a decent job and who they get along with and think will probably be a reliable provider and father.

Just stay by yourself and make your life as fabulous and fulfilling as possible! And only consider letting a man into your life if he can make your life even better.
Too many man suck the life, energy and resources from you with very little in return.

’Don’t ever settle’ - i think are big words that people throw around. Especially if their lives worked out.
But life is more nuanced. I find.
In addition - i do not think there is a universally accepted single definition of ‘settling’.

I also know few women who ‘didn’t settle’ - and now regret ending up childless. Or kept looking for that one Perfect Prince, irrespective of realities of dating and relationships.

So - by all means - ‘do not settle‘ on some dimensions. But also - be realistic and pragmatic. And do NOT expect the Universe to owe you anything - meeting perfect partner is not a guarantee. Neither is meeting a perfect partner while you are in your fertility window. (If you want to have kids that is)

@MMmomDD has a point. I think it's less 'dont settle' and more - what am I willing to accept. You need your red lines. Any partner will have a compromise! No one is perfect. But when someone is having a negative effect on your life or impacting your values for example they should be out.

Regarding the 'some people regret not settling because they didn't have children' point - you have to make the right choice for what you believe and think NOW. You have no idea how you might feel in 20 years. I accepted that yes maybe I'll be sad I don't have children but that I made the right decision at the time and I built on it - not sat around wondering if I made the right decision and dithered over it. I know I'll be glad I ended a crappy relationship rather than continued a crappy relationship and bought kids into it.

You have to make decisions and then plans and be confident future you will support past you for the decisions you made.

There’s an American agony uncle / sex columnist Dan Savage who says that there’s no such thing as ‘the one’ and that even your very best match is at best a 0.66 that gets rounded up to a 1.

It basically means that everyone ’settles’ to a degree, but the question to ask is, whether the person you are with is a 0.6 or more of a 0.4.

It’s good (if harsh!) knowing that even your very best person in the whole world is effectively a compromise, so it makes you look more carefully at what compromises you are willing to make.

Hope that makes sense!

I've already had children so that's not a factor. But for me, it means preparing to be single and stay single.

I do not want a man around just for the sake of it, so that means being happy with my own company, having fulfilling hobbies, and making the effort to keep long term friendships going.

I am not sure I quite agree with @Popitoff about focusing on the NOW vs Long term when making important decisions.

This is what kids do - NOW i want this chocolate, will eat it now then. Later, when Sister realises i ate her chocolate …. Doesn’t matter.
Or - NOW i don’t feel like going to the gym and being healthy. Lets hope the future me will remember I had fun…

With having kids - women who know they really want them - often do need to compromise. And here on MN - the argument is often - not brining kids into crappy relationship, etc.
I probably thought this way at some point in my 20s as well…

But - looking ay it with a benefit of being much further along in life - and seeing women in their 50s regretting not having kids. Plus - seeing lots of relationships with seemingly ‘NON Crappy’ partners break up as raising kids puts many relationships under stress….

My perspective now is - if YOU want kids - do NOT make it dependent on meeting some Mr Right.

as you never know how life with any partner will turn out. You can only ever really count on yourself, and that is plenty.

I had non-negotiables in both my personal and work situations. Not so much settling but working out what was important.
As a previous poster said, it was about building a life on my own that was the best I could and that made me happy. Then when I met someone unexpectedly, it was 'icing on a cake' rather than being in a relationship being the cake itself.

I agree. I have a friend who won’t ‘settle’, she’s expecting full fireworks, a man who is educated and rich and handsome, yet also gentle and thoughtful and charismatic.

I would NEVER say this to her but she’s just not going to land someone of that calibre. She’s lovely and moderately attractive but she has a few personality traits that make her difficult to live with and resulted in the end of her last LTR.

So tbh I find ‘not settling’ (aka man must be perfect in every way) to be the remit of people utterly unaware of their own flaws/drawbacks, of which there nearly always is a few.

I broke up with a really lovely lovely guy who I realised wasn’t ‘the one.’ All our friends and family were so shocked as we were very happy together and I did love him, I just one day suddenly knew it wasn’t going to be forever. I’m now very happily married, been together 10+ years. He is my best friend and partner in life. I’m so glad I was brave enough to walk away from a very good relationship with a perfectly good man but that I knew wasn’t right.

Also agree with this. Mine were: no baggage, financially solvent and in good employment, good hair/teeth/dress sense, sense of humour and shared vision of the future. I compromised on age (he’s 8 years older) and height (same height as me 5’9, usually date taller).

You have to fully embrace the possibility of not ever meeting the right person, and be comfortable with the prospect of long term singledom. I genuinely believe when you're comfortable with this, you realise you can't be arsed to put up with shit that makes life harder, and you're more likely to meet someone truly compatible.

Honestly, I think 'don't settle' is just one of those things people say.

There's a lot to be said for the Buddhist/ mindfulness philosophies of trying to accept and appreciate life and what you have already.

It's all about balance.

(Disclaimer: I am not suggesting anyone should stay in abusive relationships etc).

@MMmomDD that's not what I was saying at all - I was clearly not saying you make decisions now with no regard for the future. What I'm saying is you can only make a decision now, rather than in the future. You make your best decision based on all of the information you have, trusting yourself that you've made a good one and as confident as you can be you'll look back and know you did the right thing in the moment. You can't make a decision about what is good for you based on a completely unknown future.
'Oh I might regret not having kids so I'll stick this out.'
Your 70 year old self might be even more pissed off you didn't have the guts to do the hard thing.

@MMmomDD that's not what I was saying at all - I was clearly not saying you make decisions now with no regard for the future. What I'm saying is you can only make a decision now, rather than in the future. You make your best decision based on all of the information you have, trusting yourself that you've made a good one and as confident as you can be you'll look back and know you did the right thing in the moment. You can't make a decision about what is good for you based on a completely unknown future.
'Oh I might regret not having kids so I'll stick this out.'
Your 70 year old self might be even more pissed off you didn't have the guts to do the hard thing.

@Popitoff

I don’t know how old you are and if you want kids. But i do think too women have been told they deserve it all - and holding out for some fairy tale has hurt many.

And as to 70yos - they are unlikely to regret having had kids. As to the relationships - those sort themselves out. They last or not. But kids (family) stays constant.

You don’t need to want to have kids. All choices are personal. I am not questioning that. But for women who know they want children - I think a dose of pragmatism can do a world of good. And save them from years of bitterness and unhappiness.

And mind you - i am not saying you need to stay in a relationship you are not happy in. But - if one’s fertility is running out - and you have an OKish partner - and very little time/chance to meet some new perfect partner - Then have the child. You are unlikely to regret it.

While you will most likely regret the other option.

Having had my kids and got divorced, the term "don't settle" has lots if meaning in my late 40s.
I choose not to settle for the men who are out there who want to date women 10 years younger than themselves. I'd rather be single than date a much older man at my age. It gives me the ick.

Then have the child. You are unlikely to regret it.
While you will most likely regret the other option.

I’m not sure it’s always quite that binary, though. Whilst few women might regret having their child, as in the existence of their child, there are certainly plenty of women who regret the man they picked as their child’s father and the circumstances that it’s left them in: often feeling unable to leave a thoroughly miserable relationship because of the child and financial circumstances etc, or struggling for years as a lone parent with no financial or parenting support, or battling with a co-parent who has entirely different ideas about raising the child or weaponises the child. For a lot of women who decide to settle for somebody they know they aren’t entirely compatible with and then end up in one of those situations as a result, the consequences are long lasting: it devastates their career, their long term financial stability, their circumstances in retirement, their social and support networks and so on. It’s less about “holding out for a fairytale” and more about protecting your own long term interests.

'Have children with an OKish partner in case you regret not having kids.' How terribly depressing and selfish and horrible for a kid that'll grow up in that environment. Not for me thanks. Wouldn't do that to a kid. That really is extreme settling with impacts on others, not just yourself.

I wrote a long post but actually I think the most important thing to say is this.

Do the work on yourself. Have the relationship you want with someone else with yourself first.

I always said I'd never date a man who had kids. I'm now married to a man with 3 kids and it's the best decision I've ever made in my whole life. I don't feel like I've settled at all.

I've definitely settled in relationships before that were good on paper but there was no real spark. I've thought I've been in love before but having met my DH I've realised I've definitely just settled in the past. I'd say be open minded about your requirements and go for someone who blows your mind and you can't bear to be apart from.

@ComtesseDeSpair

I am divorced. As are a lot of my friends.
The scenarios you - with co-patenting struggles post breakup describe - are common.

But in my observations of many divorced women - these struggles happened to women who married men they thought were the Ones. As was I myself.

I have been thinking a lot about it. How does it goes wrong when (like me) - you don’t rush into anything. Spend years dating and finally meet someone where it all appears great - solid relationship; similar goals; respect; etc.

And this is my take on it, fwiw. The way we judge our relationships prior to deciding ‘this is it’ - is based on romantic feelings - if we have that ‘special feeling’ when with our partner.

But that alone has very little to do with whether the relationship will make it. It has nothing to do with whether you will be compatible in mundane daily grind for years to come. And, most importantly - you have no way of knowing or predicting how either of you will change after having kids.

So - I stand by my - if you are in mid/late 30s and have an OKish partner (say you don’t feel butterflies around him) - have the child.
Every planned pregnancy is ‘selfish’ in its nature. Adults decide to have a child because They want to procreate. No child has asked to be born.

Saying that you only have a child if one is in a ‘perfect’ relationship is ridiculous. As this has very little to do with how it all turns out. OKish partner may turn out a much better practical parent partner. Vs the man who used to make your heart skip a beat - who turns into a sulking man child when he is not the center of your attention.

I think 2 things.

1.If you were not modelled a good relationship when you were small you will trick yourself about what "the one" means so you have to make decisions with your head not heart.

1. Sometimes after a bereavement is not the best time to make big decisions. Sorry for your loss.