‘Don’t settle’ - tell me how you have applied this, please.

[Getitgirl]

I met an incredible older woman around Christmas time who was well dressed, happily married (2nd time around) and clearly doing well for herself. We bonded over many glasses of wine at a networking do. Her parting words to me were ‘don’t you dare ever settle!’

i’m about to break up with someone who I know won’t make me happy long term and I’ve had a recent bereavement so am looking at life through a philosophical lens. This piece of advice stuck in my mind.

Can you tell me about a time where you didn’t settle? How did that pan out for you?

My numbers went really wrong!!

I've left emotionally immature and boring partners. I have lived my life the way I want to with DC for the last 13 odd years as a result. I've not had to compromise as much, raised them well and with better morals than those men would have. I have a stronger sense that I won't "settle" now because I know I can live alone and support us. Anyone coming in has to be an addition to this. If they subtract more than they add they don't stay. I know my worth - I can do it alone so the way I see it I am basically 2 parents worth 😁.

I think self-knowledge is really important when it comes to this idea of ‘settling’. Do you really understand how you work, what your values are, what is important to you? Consider how your ego or preconceptions get in the way of understanding what you really want/need.

It’s no good refusing to settle if your expectations are utterly unrealistic and you’ve made no effort to prioritise your criteria. On the other hand, if you are naturally a romantic people-pleaser, you might do well to raise your standards a bit.

You also have to consider your life in the round: eg, I might need to settle for a less exciting job because my home life is extremely important to me.

This is the great example of NOT settling.
And I hope more women find strength to live their lives on their terms.

So much unhappiness has been created by silly fairy tales girls grow up with - meeting the Prince, etc. And they expect this in real life, and then wonder if any other sort of life is a failure or settling.

It is not.

Interestingly - not a single fairy tale goes into her life married to said Prince….

I also think that ‘not settling’ can sometimes mean looking for that romantic, obsessive feeling that is not always a good indicator of long-term compatibility. I would say the important things are:

1. Really, really enjoying each other’s company. Ideally they’d be your favourite person to spend time with, because you have similar interests and ways of understanding the world, or perhaps a similar sense of humour.
2. Sexually compatible.
3. Basic good values: decency, kindness, generosity, work ethic.
4. Similar expectations of lifestyle (eg you both enjoy living in the city; OR you’re both country-lovers who want kids and dogs).

The feeling of falling in love often encourages you to ignore the last two :)

Height, earnings, physical attractiveness etc do not matter imo.

I thought I might be "settling" in the first few years with my husband. We were very different personalities. I was emotional, spontaneous, a little bit chaotic. He was rock steady, very contained, very responsible. I thought he was very attractive but we didn't have that mad passionate start that I'd had in other relationships.

30 years later, I can say he was the best decision I ever made. We've both retained our essential nature, but kind of rubbed the edges off each other a bit. We understand each other very well and often laugh when one of us behaves in a way which would have driven us insane 30 years ago.

There have been very tough times - with two young kids, when one of us was very stressed at work, and when our parents were dying and needing a lot of support. Now we are empty nest and enjoying each other's company very much. I can't imagine anyone I'd rather go into old age with.

Your "Never Settle" woman sounds like she has it all, and saying that kind of implies that she made great choices and that has led to her fabulous life. But there's a lot of luck in that as well. And it's very specific advice that related to her situation in her first marriage.

However, it sounds like it struck a chord with you, and if what you need to hear is - you deserve a decent relationship with someone who values you - yes, you do!

We cross posted, your first sentence says exactly the point I was trying to make.

I think the woman being well dressed and doing well for herself implied "don't settle for anything less than a rich husband" and, like you, that wasn't a priority for me.

Though in fact our joint work ethic - and being the generation which was able to get a foot on the housing ladder without huge family wealth - means we ended up pretty comfortably off in the end.