Children are a very good reason for their parents to try to repair their relationship ... is it OK not to try?

[Twoddle]

During a very strained time last year, preceding our separation, my ex had not so much affairs as a string of several-night-stands.

We are having some time apart - it will probably be a permanent separation - but both wish to spend some time talking later in the year about the possibility of rebuilding our relationship (we have a son who's nearly four, and see him as a very good reason to at least talk about this possibility).

So just supposing, when we do talk, my ex wants to give it another go: would it be an injustice to ds for me to say no? When so much hurt has been caused, and one would effectively need their ex-partner (and probably themselves too) to be different in so many ways for their relationship to function healthily, is it OK to not even try making a go of things, even with the opportunity there to do so? Or, with kids involved, does one always try everything before throwing the towel in?

Hmm.

IMO it is better for your ds to grow up with a happy single parent than two that are not happy and only staying together for the child.

It needs to be what YOU want, otherwise you wont be happy.

If you are still in love with your partner, you might be able to make it work.

But if you aren't - highly improbable that you can patch things up.

Better for your child to see you happy in a relationship with a man who isn't his father than unhappy in a relationship with his father IMO.

I don't agree at all.

I think that being in love with your partner is very, very important.

It might be worth exploring these ideas/options with a counsellor before you have the talk with your ex about where you go from here (suppose you meet someone else in the meantime? Does this timetable still stand?). You might decide that you've moved past being with him and are happier on your own/with a new person.

I do agree though that giving it serious thoughts to reconcilation does somehow make it easier to forgive yourself if it doesn't work out. As pessimitic as that sounds.

no,IMO staying with somebody whos been unfaithful is no different to staying with somebody who's been abusive.much better for your ds to grow up knowing that that sort of thing is unacceptable rather than growing up with the belief that men can behave how they like and women just put up with it.

i can kind of understand how some women manage to forgive one infidelity when the relationship has been going through a bad patch,communiction has broken down etc,but a string of one night stands?no,thats beyond forgiveable.

Also can you imagine the situation where your Ex has a new partner, and your children are spending weekends with her?
Christmas and Easter divided up.
Such hard things to do.

You shouldn't stay together just for the children if it won't make you happy. However, I msut agree with the sentiment that children can give you an extra reason to give it another try. But you can't get away from the fact that 2 happy parents is much better than an unhappy 'family unit'

Both partners ahve to be committed to doing it though or it won't work. Tbh, I'm not sure that I could do it.

BUT, if you give it another go, make sure it is on your terms. He is the one that threw it away as it was, so set new groundrules - toughen up

A good friend of mine had this happen in her family and the relationship is so much stronger. Wife went from being a bit of a doormat to being a feisty strong woman, and husband bucked up his ideas and stopped being so lazy and complacent. So in fact, the affair had been teh best thing that ever happened to them. It CAN work out

Thank you all. Helpful replies.

That's as I figured - ds is a very good reason to try to make another go of it (or at least to explore that possibility), though not the reason to stay; that would have to be rebuilt happiness and trust between ex-dp and I. It seems impossible now, and I'm liking my ex less and less tbh but at least, as things stand, we will talk about this in time.

Thank you again.

I agree with Anna - if you're not in love with your partner your child will pick up on it and it's unlikely to work out.

Whether or not you get back together, it will still be VERY important for you to have an amicable relationship, where you can discuss issues relevant to your son and the time he spends with each of you. I certainly do not believe you have to feel 'in love' with a partner in order to do a very good job of parenting together.

Respect, tolerance, cooperation and a shared sense of humour count for a lot more than rose petals on the sheets and drinking champagne together in the bath, nice as those may be.

Unhappy parents usually equal unhappy children. How does he treat DS? Would DS be happier with him out of the way?

I was staying with H for the sake of my kids. It totally knocked me when I came to realise the harm that was doing. My girls can't wait to go.

This isn't about one of you squeezing the toothpaste from the wrong end and the other being too uptight - he really has crossed the line. If you want to make a go of it do, but I think it may be more important for you to work on a good relationship apart than a good relationship together.

Janni - I hear what you're saying. Of course that's the ideal - the amicable relationship between co-parents. It can be tricky being friendly with someone who has hurt your feelings a lot and shattered your trust - let alone trying to rekindle a relationship with them! Hmm.

I'd second your last line: the respect, tolerance, etc, need to be the cake of everyday life, with the petals and champagne the icing.

Food for thought.

Being 'in love' is not necessary for 2 people to make a successful and happy partnership

respect and trust is - you could possibly rebuild this with your partner if both of you wish to but I think it would be hard work and probably need specialist help eg couple counselling?

If you cannot provide a happy atmosphere for your children to grow up in, then there is no point staying together being miserable.

I left him in 2004 but went back to him and finally left again in 2007 (stupidly, it just prolonged the agony. Basically it took us 3 years to split up).

I KNOW my children are happier now. So please don't be miserable for your children. It isn't a worthy sacrafice. It's a pointless exercise.

A mother needs to be able to channel all her resources into being positive and energetic and a good mother, not using up every ounce of strength to hold a fake smile on her face.

It depends on the nature of your current relationship. M

y mother left my father when I was 4 and tbh, that was fine. Life was better without the constant arguments. Slight problem was that they lived an entire continent appart. She took him back because of this when I was 5. They were utterly incompatible in every way. I can remember almost every day of my childhood that we had a peaceful evening where they got on with each other as there were so few. They divorced (happily for all concerned) when I was 19 and have never got on so well! I wish they had never got back together and then both of them might have had happier lives.

So if you can live together amicably even if it is as as co-parents rather than partners, then I think it might be worth a try. If you cannot, then it would IMO be fine not to give it a go.

I think I would give it another go, but only after I had forgiven him and if I still loved or at least respected him. Not before that, and certainly not if I couldn't respect him any more. Some people never forgive infidelity. Others think they never would, but in practice when faced with it, they do forgive and are able to carry on.
People are different, so you'll find various replies here. What for some is a crisis, for others is the end.
I think the important bit is that you musn't go into the relationship with any resentment. Of course, it won't be the same, since trust needs to be rebuilt from scratch, and to forgive doesn't mean to forget, but I know of couples who have managed to get over it.
So unless it is obvious that your ex is not willing to put what it takes to make it work, I think I would give it a go.

in my opinion if my partner had cheated several times and i still wasnt good enough to resist temptation i would never take him back

i would never be able to get it out my moind and what would stop him doing it again when done it so many times

i would rather be on my own with my ds building a happy life for us and just be civil with ex for ds sake

but if you think you can forgive and move on and still love him then give it another go but i just wouldnt be able to but thats me

good luck hope you are ok

My xh had several affairs. I did love him, very much, but the whole thing made me so ill (it went on for about 10 years, I got an eating disorder & depression) and I ended up hating myself. The thing is, I think, it's not what they've done - it's the person who's doing it.
If xh had tried to hide it from me, I would have taken it better - but he always had to let me know that I wasn't the only fish in the sea. I had his ow's phoning to talk to him like I didn't even exist.
I then had to think, yes I do love him, but he is actually a really mean person and I can't like him. If you can't even like them, what ever is the point of trying?
I suppose my point is, is your dp essentially a good man who has gone wrong, or a Jack the Lad who will probably never change?