Staying together after an affair - how do you ever get over what has happened?

[Iris100]

Four months on from the discovery that DH had an affair. It had been going on for a month and I found out.

After many weeks of heartache and almost splitting up we are still together. DH has finished things with the other woman, he has said he loves me and wants to be with me.

I am now struggling to move forward. DH does not want to talk about what has happened - he thinks we have done enough talking and we should move on. We had a bad evening last night talking about things where he accused me of wanting to drag everything up again and again and make him feel bad, when he feels terrible already.

He thinks he has done everything I have asked him to do - finished the relationship, no contact with OW. He won't go to counselling with me - he has talked about going on his own but has not actually contacted anyone yet.

I think at the root of my feelings is...he did a Bad Thing, he should be doing whatever it takes to make things right between us. Including talking about it if I need to do that. He just doesn't seem sufficiently sorry! And perhaps I don't need to understand every last detail about what happened to move on. Perhaps he is right and I am just going over old ground.

Oh Gravity - I am so sorry. What a terrible mistake to make! Glad you are happy together now. I think the shock has affected my brain

i am new to this discussion but i need some help. Found out 2 weeks ago H has been sleeping around for the past 5 years, including a 2 year affair before and after the birth of my daughter. We've been married for 15 years. I feel like I'm suddenly confronted with a stranger. He's suddenly able to be himself, and is just letting it rip. I initially kicked him out, and then thought maybe it's worth trying to work it out for the sake of our 2 kids. I still love him, or at least I love the person I thought I knew. He announced last night that he's more attracted to younger women. And he said, `let's face it, you were more attractive 10 years ago.' I'm 40 and people regularly think I'm in my early thirties. I'm up down and all around. Some days I never want to have any contact with him ever again. Other days I'm dying to re-establish our old relationship. I'm going away with him for a night to try to work things out, though he has little hope I can get over this. He doesn't really want to try. These days I don't either.

Oh no, Mourning, what an awful situation. I totally know what you mean about your h being a stranger. It just goes to show you never really know someone.

Does your h work away alot, the same as mine? Is that how the affairs have happened?
He sounds an insensitive sort saying you were more attractive 10 years ago [angry) I am assuming he is the same age!! Does he think that he still looks 20??

How long does he think he will be able to pull young women?

When you say you want to re-establish your old relationship - do you mean the relationship that you thought that you had? It sounds to me that he has already mentally moved out of your relationship.

Do you want to try again?

I go back and forth on trying again. Now I think it's hopeless. He's robbed me blind. I'm now financially dependent on him. Yes he travels alot and has been having an affair with a woman he works for (not in same city) for the past 2 years. But he's slept with other women during that time too, including walking off with them in front of her. He went on prozac in Nov. and his personality has totally changed. I can't get a reaction from him. I don't think he has a grip on reality. Funny thing is I didn't think our relationship was that bad. We weren't arguing much and he kept buying me expensive presents. Now I realize it was just to assuage his guilt. I don't think he would have told me. I found an email by mistake. So he went to great lengths to hide this, presumably to cling to whatever we had. It's like he has a split personality. He used to say I'd never leave you and told me I had no sense of loyalty when I found another home for our cat (our daughter was showing signs of allergies). I thought I was married to a saint, and it turns out I was married to the devil.

Wow, does sound like he wants his cake and eat it!
Sounds like you need to take a stand.

Why dont you start a new thread asking for advice? People dont always like to comment when the thread was started by someone else.

There are many people on here with alot of knowledge of this sort of situation.

Mourning - I too have been there and can understand all that you are feeling right now. If you want to cat me to talk i would be happy to.

The main thing that will get you through this time is to do things for you alone. It is hard but you must try and do something for you that he cant touch or destroy. For me it is running (which i know a lot of people are doing too to get through this). I have become much more selfish too - i will make sure i do things that i want much more now.

Dont let him think any of this is your fault.

Take care

How are you doing today Iris??

Are things still positive? I hope that you are having a good week. Are your dc still off school? Mine are off this week and next.

Feeling less positive today though - I was feeling so strong and it all seems to have gone again. You can feel so different from one day to the next can't you?

Do you think if you stay with your h after a situation like this that you are settling for 2nd best? I just dont know whether I can love him again like I used to and that makes me incredibly sad .

stirling i do know how you feel. Try and not think of it as you staying with him. Do what you want now and he will be begging to stay with you, and you will then know it is for you alone.

I have changed but it is not for h it is for me first and you need to get to a point where it really does not matter whether he stays or goes because you know you are worth so very much more.

I wonder if you are still in 'fight' mode in that you just want to win him back? That is understandable.

It took a long time for me to get past this - once i felt i had won i then started to question if this was what i really wanted for the rest of my life. Dont feel bad if you think you are changing your mind on a daily basis - remember your h has time to think about what he wanted and did not tell you - so now take some time to really explore if this is what you want and dont feel you have to put a time on it either.

It was when i looked at my h and could see us together once the children had gone and we talked about the future past and present with the same outlooks - i felt we were a team both wanting the same outcomes on most things. I think for him too he saw and felt that and now we able to discuss what happened and feel that we will beat this together. Hope that makes sense to you.

Be kind to yourself and he needs to realise that it is a very slow process and you need time to get back on the same track again. He is probably further on in the process as he does not have to question himself as he has all the answers.

Remember he has made the choice to stay with you - you now feel scared as you too have the choice.

Take care

Thanks Happywoman, I think I am past the "fight" phase. I think I am in the "I dont care if he stays or goes" phase. I just feel quite detached from him. He says he loves me, and that should make me happy because he couldn't say it for a long time, but I dont feel like saying it back because I dont know whether I do.
He has been away most of the week and I am quite happy on my own now. He came back last night and I wasn't even looking forward to it. I did feel something when he came in the door though, I small spark of being happy to see him. Maybe that is promising.
I do like him being here. Just struggling with my emotions. I hadn't cried for weeks but had quite a cry yesterday. I feel like I have emotionally shut down most of the time. It is worrying though because I feel like this with the dc also. Dont feel like I connect with them like I used to.

Sorry for the ramble - shall take dc swimming now. Take Care

stirlingmum I think it is normal to detach in these situations. You are doing it to protect yourself. In time, you will let your guard down a bit and will be emotionally expressive with your dc again. I feel the same way at the moment, but I know it will get better - whether I am with dh or not.

Thanks Ladylush, at least I feel normal if others feel this way too.
I dont know what I would have done without MN. Gone round the bend probably .

yes I know what you mean. So good to chat to women going through the same thing.

Hi stirling - you sound like i do when i get a bit depressed. I have had depression in the past and one of the ways i knew i was through it was when i started 'enjoying' the dhildren again. now if i get down i feel myself going onto auto-pilot and like you say shutting down. For me this is a warning sign and i make sure i do something to get myself out of it again. I have in the past taken ad's and would not be scared to again but now i recoginise when it heading that way and find alternitives. I find reflexology works for me but so does exercise and just doing extra nice things for me.

do take care and dont feel bad that you feel like this - you have been through i truely terrible time - and i also expect you feel cross that h seems to be getting on with his life when you now need some extra support form him.

Just coming back to this thread having not been on MN for a while - school hols, busy at work, illness etc!

Things are.....kind of good really. DH has started counselling which is a huge step. He has begun to initiate talking about stuff which again is new. I feel calmer and less raw. I think it really is time that is making the difference. I know he loves me and I know that he wants to be here - his main fear now is that I am still working through my feelings and that I will decide I don't want to continue with our marriage.

Some days I feel stuck and as though we are not moving forward. Some days I feel that white hot anger - what has changed though is that DH is better at taking it, at letting me be angry without getting angry himself.

Stirling I know how you feel - at times I have thought that I didn't care whether dh went or stayed. But I think it's part of the process. I think you have the inital shock and trauma of discovery, then the fight to get DH to stay, to commit to trying to fix things. I think once we got to that point I was exhausted and felt quite down. I started thinking "is this it, why have I fought so hard for this, I don't even know this person. He's making so little effort to make me feel better".

It's only the last couple of weeks really that I have started to feel that we are moving forward proeprly and a lot of that is down to him and a change in his behaviour. I feel as though we are in it together now. I also think that DH having support outside, via the counselling, is crucial. He has talked to very few people about what has happened and I think it's so important for both of us to have someone questioning you a bit, challenging your behaviour and your assumptions.

Mourning I am so sorry that you are in this position too. There are a few of us on MN! hoep this thread has been some help to you.

Iris that is a huge step. If your h is able to 'take' your anger it is a real help.

Please dont feel bad that you seem to be questioning whether you want to stay now - and if he is feeling that it can only be a good thing.
He is to blame for this and whilst you cannot keep punishing him it is good that he has a bit of fear about you leaving. He now needs to make this the best relationship for you. So please dont feel bad and feel that you need to make him secure now.

Anyway it sounds as if you are on the right track but you still have a long way to go and i wish you lots of luck.

HW you are right as usual .

My counsellor said to me that I spent a lot of time trying to apportion blame when really it would be better to focus my energy on what I felt, what I wanted and needed. Its taken me a while to get to the point of being able to do this.

The other big development is that I have stopped snooping, looking at his phone etc. Part of this is becuse I really believe he is being honest with me now and some of the trust has definitely returned.

Brilliant

I still get the urge to look (but i think i have always been a bit nosey anyway), but i too rarely look - but then h is so much more open now anyway and will often 'give' me his phone to borrow if i go out.

My h has now got himself another job and so we will soon have a new start. It does not bother me as much as i thought it would with ow still being there but i still think as well as being a huge statement the new start will be good for us all. It will mean i will not 'bump' into her at work functions.

In my more bitchy moments i also think she will get some flack about him leaving too .

I think another break through for me was when i thought more about our future and h really was the one i wanted to share it with, i still get the odd down day and dont want to look too far ahead.

Most of the time is life is great - and surely that is normal.

That is fantastic news about the new job HW. A real new start for both of you.

I still have the urge to check but I now stop myself. The fact that he is leaving his phone around means there is nothing to see. We are so much closer now - I feel I will know if he is withdrawing from me again (I knew the last time that something was going on, although I never thought it would have progressed to a sexual relationship).

I see the OW a lot, in the street etc. I still haven't contacted her and am now losing the urge to do so - she doesn't seem quite so central to things as she was. DH tells me that she is off work with stress etc and I am glad she is suffering. which probably doesn't make me a nice person, but hey.

Dont worry about being a nice person - what you are feeling is perfectly normal.

I have had no contact with ow since the beginning and not sure if it makes it easier. I sometimes feel a bit curious about what she is up to (h is not sure if she ever went back to her h and dcs!). But not in an obsessive way - again i think it is because i am a bit of a nosey person and like a good gossip .

I would like to think she has felt some of the pain i had to go through and hope her life is not as sorted as mine now is. That probably does make me a nasty person too but she is nothing to me (as i obviously wasnt to her at the time), so i really dont care.

I still wish she could have appologised for her part but i guess that is just the sort of person she really is and it means that h sees her as such too.

Hi Iris,

My dh has had two flings in our 18 year marriage. The second only lasted a week but he kept it from me for a year.

We've come through it. I have absolutely no doubt that we both want to be with each other and we both love each other BUT I had to know everything. I wouldn't let it drop until I felt I really knew what went on.

It hurt a lot to hear about it and the sense of betrayal was enormous when I imagined his intimacy with someone else BUT in the scheme of things I now look back and consider it a flash in the pan. We're stronger than ever now. He still gets tearful now and again, especially when we're in loving moment, and says 'How could I have risked all this' and I'm almost like, 'What? Oh yeah! That. Move on. Forget it.'

For me these small incidences have been put into perspective and I won't let them overshadow the bigger, truer picture.

I'm in my 3rd yr after my I caught my husband! I kept it from everyone for a yr 1/2 and then spilled the beans. Couldn't stand the thought of everyone thinking he was such a good person. Our 27th anniversary is Friday and he has nothing planned..She messed up our 25th anniv. cruise. And he has yet to make it up. I was like all of you til just this week. I have figured out he has settled for me, even though he says he hasn't, and he is NOT THAT INTO ME and never will be.. BTW she was 25. He is only a yr older than her own dad and 2 yrs older than our son. Go figure. Any suggestions? I've heard them all!
Bitter Again...and again... yep that's me!! Just when you think your over it.., it all comes back to haunt you around your anniversary!

Just putting my 2 pence worth to all you strong special ladies...my DH messed up big time about 5yrs ago..I never thought i could..but i did forgive him..and that was because he knew he had to 'allow' me to forgive him..no holds barred no stipulations (lots of watching cheaters with pissed off wife)..I know it was something he wanted to forget and put in his past but he knew i had to go through what i needed..we talked and still do about what happened and why it happened..I don't even bring it up..he does..but strangely it has made different..but stronger...he realises what he could have lost and he hopes he could forgive me and give me the mercy I gave him (does that mean i can get a freebie? )..all I have to say is..people make mistakes..they fuck up..it's up to you to know what is a mistake and what is taking the piss..you know your man more than anyone..goodluck