Staying together after an affair - how do you ever get over what has happened?

[Iris100]

Four months on from the discovery that DH had an affair. It had been going on for a month and I found out.

After many weeks of heartache and almost splitting up we are still together. DH has finished things with the other woman, he has said he loves me and wants to be with me.

I am now struggling to move forward. DH does not want to talk about what has happened - he thinks we have done enough talking and we should move on. We had a bad evening last night talking about things where he accused me of wanting to drag everything up again and again and make him feel bad, when he feels terrible already.

He thinks he has done everything I have asked him to do - finished the relationship, no contact with OW. He won't go to counselling with me - he has talked about going on his own but has not actually contacted anyone yet.

I think at the root of my feelings is...he did a Bad Thing, he should be doing whatever it takes to make things right between us. Including talking about it if I need to do that. He just doesn't seem sufficiently sorry! And perhaps I don't need to understand every last detail about what happened to move on. Perhaps he is right and I am just going over old ground.

Overdraft, that article looks interesting (I shall read it all later when dc in bed).
It is interesting that this helped because I looked at many books after finding out about my h's affair and the one that has really helped is by Shirley Glass (NOT Just Friends - Rebuilding trust and recovering your sanity after infidelity).
I have read and re-read some parts of it as it has been so helpful in understanding why it happened and where the boundaries should be in a working relationship.
As Shirley says - people think affairs happen in marriages where the partner is not getting enough - but the problem is that they are usually not giving enough in the relationship.
I found out last Nov that h had been involved with another woman for at least 6 months (emotionally and physically) and it completely shocked me. Never did I think he would do that!
Iris and I have been trying to help each other and it is weird to see that our situation is the same. Both h say the same things and dont want to talk. I think that they will one day.
I am amazed at the strength I have found. I feel a different person now.

When I found out about dh's affair I felt that I was totally out of control. I've never been a control freak but I was struck by how disabling this feeling was. I think it was this awful feeling as well as the need to get back some dignity that made me set some boundaries/ground rules with dh. These were: that he would organise counselling, that he would understand that I could not give him a guarantee that I would stay with him (though this was what I hoped I could do)and that he would need to be prepared to talk/go over things whenever I needed to talk. He wasn't thinking about me much when he was seeing the OW so I don't think I'm being unreasonable in having these expectations. I actually think he is lucky that I am prepared to try to work things out.

Yes Ladylush, the control thing really bothered me and I didn't think of myself as a control freak. Thinking back (just 5 months ago) when h told me about the affair, he was so unsure what he wanted. Didn't know whether he wanted to stay or go so I felt he and ow were controlling the situation.
I am back in control now so feel better.

Hi anothermum and stirlingmum, I will read that article. Prepared to try anything right now. I wish I could take a selective amnesia pill. That would be a blessing right now Hugs to both of you (and everyone else going through this).

Oh guys , I would do anything to be able to take your pain away

For you all it is still so raw and painful

I sometimes wish the "cheater" could be made to feel that gut churning pain prior to their adultery

I hope by me relaying my experiences you can see some hope in getting through your absolute hell at the moment, as I said the other day though it is such a slow process and I completely get the wishing for a pill to tkae away the pain...... I wished for that very same thing many years ago. If you physically hurt yourself it heals so much quicker than the pain inflicted by the one person who should cherish you beyond anything

I went to a counsellor by myself just twice, as it wasn't for me and DP would not come with me (flatly refused - not going to see a shrink and tell them about our life - I believe were his exact words), but she told me everytime I was struck by the crippling pain to take myself away from my thoughts. By this I mean, to have one thing I could think positively about. At the time it was much easier said then done and I stopped seeing the counsellor

There is one thing I can't seem to get over though, even after three years. At the time let's say my DP was quite well known - but upon saying that so was I which meant the girls knew about me (and would have also known I was 8 months pregnant with his child) , anyhow how I sprung my DP was he had made videos with both the girls he cheated on me with and I found them. Stupidly I watched them. Well, enough of them. There was a song playing in the background which was popular at the time. If I ever hear it come on the radio or at a club or pub I am overcome with a cold sick feeling and I have to either a) turn it off asap or b) somehow depart the premises. I think that is the one mechanism I will never be able to turn off. And its only one silly song which can trigger it off. Maybe someone has some advice for me to get away from this feeling?

Stirlingmum and Ladylush, you're not control freaks. You are both normal to feel like this. I think we just over compensate after having any type of control in our own life stolen away from us.

As for him not wanting to stay or go...... I recall that too. That should have been my choice and he took that away from me at the time. His first reaction was I'll leave. Not I'm sorry but I'll leave...... Men can be strange creatures.

Once again, take every day as it comes and make time for yourself. Plus keep talking. Better out that bottling it up. You must grieve for what you have lost. Then one day further down the track you will find how this made you a stronger person

Overdraft and Maturer,

Yes I am back and much more positive. My life is definitely back on track.

I thought I would sneak a peak onto Mumsnet the other day and I opened up relationships and saw your names and also the heart break unfolding for others and it's the very least I thought I could do than come say hi and hopefully offer some hope to these ladies.

If I could get through my hell, the same as you guys, at least we can try relaying some positives to a bloody awful situation

I have lost both of your email addresses so if you still have mine please email me and I can update you guys with some photos etc.

Love Gravity

Another one here who's H had an affair. Sadly this does no have a positive outcome. I'm signing the divorce documents on Monday - maybe. We went through counselling and it helped me tremendously. However in reality it turned out he was lying still and was still having the affair with his first lover. Since then he's moved on to woman number two in less than a year. So in reality I'm definitely better off without him. I mentally abused me and I realize that now. He was never around for our boys either - he's trying now. He has never never admitted he was in the wrong - it's still all my fault. Funnily enough he says he will always love me in a way though - so will I. I wish you strength and happiness. Remember you are worth so much more and he needs to give you time to rant away and talk and discuss his actions. Only by truly getting everything into perspective can you move forward.

Remember you are only 4months down the line. However your dh should be doing EVERTHING in his power, that you ask him to do, to prove his love for you and if that means councilling then so be it!!!

I agree with the others that its a slow process and if you have decided to let him back into your life then you have to learn to live with what he did and try and forgive. YOu cant let this ruin you as a person.

Alipiggie - I'm sorry

gravity - I'm so glad to hear how positive you are . I live in hope that one day I'll find a special man to welcome into my life. As it is I've got two gorgeous young men to spend my time with in a beautiful part of the world.

alipiggie - it's such a long time ago now..... how differently your and my outcome panned out. You will find a special man as you are an amazing person. One thing's for sure at least our little one's love us unconditionally

if my memory serves right (so let's not count on it completely )you are on the other side of the country right?

Colorado . I love it here.

Jeez why did i think QLD in Australia????? Stupid me!!!

Alipiggy so sorry to hear your dh cheated again

Gravity - Thanks for your supportive words. I am sad to hear what your dp did to you esp as you were 8 months pg My dh was also cheating on me when I was pg but unfortunately I lost the baby at 12 weeks gestation. I have no suggestions re. the painful association with the song. Is it a song that's played often? How are things between your and your ex now? Does he see your child?

Hi Iris

You know i have been there too - it is great to see so many survivors - i didnt know there were so many.

One question i have - do you think there is a real need to see punishment for the ow? I feel i have seen it with my h and i can see that he has gone through his own hell and so dont feel the need to punish him anymore. But i never really confroted the ow face to face and although i believe she is/had hurt i want to actually see that pain to know that she felt as sick as me.

It is complicated in that h and ow work together it has been hard (but not as bad as i thought for me - h has actually found it hard). Recently she has been trying to undermine him at work. She was also promoted and even though i think if work had to choose she would have to go - she is not going to go of her own accord (i think she stays to make h's life harder and more complicated). The bosses (all men) dont seem to see what she is doing and i have to explain to h what she is 'up to'.

Anyway i still have this overwhelming urge to see her punished - is this normal do you think?

In every other way we are getting through it well - it is just that she will not go away.

H has decided that he wants to move jobs and it looks good that he will (but it is a long process). I know that this is the best revenge really - to get on with a fantastic life - but i still want to see her suffer. I still think i could make her life unpleasant at work but i know this is childish and my head really does not want to lower myself to her level in anyway.

It is not a game but i have already won - h is moving partly because of her and it will mean a lower salary - but i think he would have wanted to move anyway as he feels he has tainted his career in his present job.

Sorry it is long but just wanted your opinion. I feel i still hold a lot of anger towards her. I know it was not all her but she too did betray me - as she knew me and knew what she was after.

I dont find that unreasonable to want the ow to feel some pain, especially if she knew you!!
It is different if the ow has been told lies by the h, but the problem is we will never know what was said in their private discussions.
My h's ow knew of me. We never met. But I feel alot of anger towards her because I know she was fully aware of his situation but she still tols him she wanted to have an affair with him. He even told me all this way before any of this started. My biggest regret now is not jumping on a plane and sorting her out at that point. I thought h would deal with it (but not like that!!).
I sincerely hope that one day she meets the man of her dreams, marries him, has a couple kids, and then when she is in her 40's, some 29yr old comes along and takes her dh away! Sorry - that is my vindictive streak.

Gravity - I have problems with songs also.
The affair happened in h's company flat in another country and he had taken a selection of cd's there. I know for a fact that they listened to Amy Winehouse, Kate Nash etc and I dont want them played in our house again because I know he will think of her and I will think of the two of them together.
It is a hard one to get over.

Wow, I am so sad to see how many have been through this. So many amazing strong women here. Alliepiggie I am sorry it didn't work out for you.

What's been really great for me is the universality of the experience - not just sharing how I feel with stirling and others and realising that they feel the same, but also the way our DHs react, the mid life crisis script!

I am feeling god and positive, had a good weekend with DH and we're getting on great. We are going away with the kids next week and I think it will be good for us to spend some time away from everything.

Happywoman funnily enough I talked about this with my counsellor last week. I want to punish the OW too. I told my counsellor that I had eastenders style fantasies about the OW where I tell her what I think of her and slap her. I also imagine how I would tell her DH (who does not know)- I want her marriage to collapse, I want her to feel some of the pain DH and I have been through in the last few months. It was really useful to act that out in a counselling session - to really look at the feelings I have which are not pretty and whic I don't like carrying with me.

Logic gets in the way. I know it was not her fault - my dh is as much to blame, more so because he is responsible for his relationship with me. I know that to actually do any of the things I think about doing would be completely destructive, completely negative. She also has a child and I need to think about that too. But I think it's important to get those feelings out and look at them, examine them, work out what they mean.

Having said that - I have her number and I may still use it. I have things I want to say to her quite calmly that I think would help me to let go of what happened. One issue for me is I see her a lot - at least a couple of days a week. I feel that ignoring her is not good for me in the long run. I want to deal with it positively though, not just bring other people's lives crashing down.

completely agree iris - what did your counsellor recomend you do. I did once write a letter (which was actually quite nice) but did not send it as i felt pressure from my h at the time that it may cause him some problems at work!!!! so part of me now wishes i had done something and got it out of the way iyswim.

I have spoken to her in the past and it was good but now i just want to know that she too has had the same pain as me.

I dont really know why i feel like this now - like i said apart from this everything is really good and we are getting on brilliantly.

I too do believe that things can be better in some ways - not the best way to do it. I have learnt so much about myself and i am so much stronger.

Happywoman my counsellor does not recommend anything, she lets me work it out! At the moment I feel that i need to acknowledge these feelings and accept that having them neither makes me a bad person nor lets DH off the hook.

I have moved on a lot in that I don't spend the time obsessing about her that I did. I will speak to her at some point but first I need to work out what I want to say and what I want to get out of it. My view is that if she has any conscience at all she will be sorry and in her own kind of torment - she will be worried that it will all come out at some point. If she has no conscience at all - well, I can't see that being any indicator of a happy life and relationships. I do firmly believe in karma.

Ladylush - he isn't my ex, we are still together and I must say I am happy. Glad we made it through what was the worst ever time...... I think things are sent to try us and we grow from these horrid events

I hold only one regret from back then, it was that I closed myself off from all my family and loved one's, I think that's what brought me to MNet - the anonomous side to it...... I was crying on the shoulder's (so to speak) of women on the other side of the world to me..... but I didn't talk in depth to my darling Dad for some months after I found out (only briefly and randomly on the phone - he lived 800 kms away) everything I did was a haze and I coped day by day. Dad passed away a few months after I found out. Had I had not had so much on my mind I would have hoped to think I would have spoken to Dad so much more - but I didn't, that plays alot on my conscience

Hey all, good to hear we are all still "fighting"!

My experience of the wanting to "Hurt"the OW?
Yes I think everyone of us thinks it- for me I did confront her a couple of times but it was part of the ending of it all -as for me it was about bringing a big dose of reality to her life (it's easy to carry on an affair with someone knowing they have a wife and 3 kids but never seeing them or having to talk about them.).but when the wife is there in front of you, being firm but calm and civil talking about her life with dh and her children etc etc then it's hard to ignore isn't it?

Inside I wanted to hurt her but I controlled myself.....it was very empowering, it made me see I was the stronger, the better person and nothing she said or did could take that from me. I also wanted her to see that I wasn't the "pathetic little wife who doesn't understand her dh etc etc" far from it and it gave me some control. For months, without my knowledge they had been making choices that affected my life that I neither knew of or had any say in.....this I had all the say in.For me it worked , it helped me, it helped end it...all our stories are different.

That's not to say there aren't still times where I wake up and want to phone her to cause her pain especially on the (now rare) days that I'm in pain too! But I don't.

More recently we were burgled.The anger the pain the frustration I felt that someone had done that to me, to my family to my home was just the same....if I could have seen them I'd have hit them ....how dare they sneak into my life, and take things that are precious to me, that I'd worked hard for! How dare they threaten my families security and take away my peace of mind...how dare they when they are strangers and I've never even met them let alone Know them and I've never done anything to them!!!!

Exactly the same feelings as I had towards HER except over something MUCh more precious to me- my dh, mu family happiness and MY peace of mind- she and my dh stole that from me. I know if I said to her "would you sneak into my house and steal my things?" she'd be appauled but really what she did (from my point of view) was to sneak into my life and try steal my dh and my family happiness!!!!!!

So I think we can see why we all get that feeling of wanting to hurt the OW.......but I KNOW she walked away a sad broken woman from all this and I had my precious children and my dh and we rebuilt to find something stronger!

Gravity - sorry to hear about your dear dad .
There are lots of things that we all wish we could have done diferently at the time, but didn't. It's called survial - the only way we all knew how to.
I am gonna email you later so you can send me some of your piccies.

Iris- I went around the twist almost in the early days. I did give the O.W a slap and a good talking to, on another occasion. I put posters of her face up and down the street, telling eveyone what she had done.I pulled all of the plants out of her garden, wrote bitch all over her car and screamed at her everytime I saw her. She lived next door to us. She knew me very well indeed. She pretended to be my friend all the time. I lost my home ( we had to move, due to her husband threatning Dh's life). My children would never have been able to see their dad. I would have been tormented daily ( she never showed any remorse and flaunted herself even more).

My husband had had an affair,I kicked him out, I was left on my own to deal with estate agents and selling our home. We had to take on a bigger mortgage to move far enough away. My children had to move schools. I will never forgive her for her part in it.Of course I blamed my husband more. She couldn't have done it on her own.

She had a husband of her own and three children. she couldn't keep up with us.We moved into our house and had lots of alterations done. She then went on to do the same until her dh lost his job ( unable to work because of cancer). I even caught her twice snooping around my home.She was hell bent on having my husband and things. She couldn't see past that. She would loose her husband and home. All she wanted to do was stop us having it all.Anyway, five weeks into the affair she left her mobile phone on the side, with lots of texts from dh open. Her husband took her back though.

What I am trying to say is, I have known two other women very well. Her and my dads O.W and they both have something in common. They are both sad pathetic women who dwell on what others have got.Both were the kind of people that never had many friends of their own and were really ,extremly ,unhappy. This is why they found a married man such a thrill. It really built on their own self estem. Their lifes are not happy. Happiness comes from within. They are always gonna be this way and unable to grow.You on the other hand will be strong and come out the other side. With a husband that adores you. She is the loser.