Advice for horrible situation

[MorrisDesign]

I think I am being psychologically abused by someone I've been seeing on off for the last few months. All the signs of narcisstic abuse from almost day one, looking back. Lovebombing, stonewalling, gaslighting, deflection, etc

After seeing him at the weekend, the red flags are now waving right in front of me. I think I have become trauma bonded and need to somehow break free from it as I know I'm no longer blind to it and it will only get worse.

I messaged him last night and he did not reply, again, so I left it a few hours to say let's call it a day, that's that. He doesn't care

Here are some of the red flags:

We hadn't seen eachother for a while when we bumped into one another at the pub at the weekend. He followed me around all night. We ended up getting drunk and having sex. Just about everything he said to me was a backhanded insult and I felt the need to keep sticking up for myself.

I have since become aware that he has orchestrated a smear campaign against me in the area we live - eg. sharing explicit sex related information about our time together, telling people I went home with a man from the pub when I did not, that I used drugs (which I do not do!)

Triangulation with women - social media.

Vile, false accusations against a good friend of mine. She is still unaware of this, but I will have to share this with her as there are linked business interests with his family.

Planting his personal belongings on me (sentimental items).

Talking about cruelty to animals.

Hinting at using prostitutes.

Friends/acquaintances reporting back to him of my whereabouts and activities - stalking/spying.

Silent treatment.

On top of this, I'm struggling a bit in other areas of my life. The primary one being unrelated to the abuse and in fact out of my control.  My mental health is rock bottom as we live in close proximity and I feel I can't get away from him and his poison. I am a caring, loving person which is why I was a great target for this, I thought could help him. He won't ever change and it is now obvious that this abuse is why his previous relationships ended.

I needn't have messaged him at all yesterday. He is seriously fucked up in the head and I expect he has/ will further use our interaction this weekend in some way to try manipulate me and spread more lies.

I'm thinking of requesting a disclosure from Clare's Law. I don't know what else I can do?

Wow he sounds nice. Well done to you for pulling the plug on the relationship, so many dont..

Definitely request the Claires Law disclosure, 100%. I worked in the prison / probation system and met many guys like him; there's never just one victim, usually they leave a whole trail of broken people in their wake.
Narcs make you think you're crazy or overreacting; getting the truth from the police will keep you from doubting yourself.

He's doing a smear campaign to discredit you so if / when you speak up about the abuse, people wont believe you. Thats a clear sign of him setting the groundwork for a fucked-up abusive relationship. I really do think you've had a lucky escape here.

Tell the truth shame the devil, as the saying goes. Tell your friends, in fact tell everyone who'll listen what he's really like and why you've ended it. Make it obvious to everybody around your local area you want nothing to do with him. They can choose believe you or not; your side of the story will be out there.

You need a clean firm break, no contact whatsoever. As far as you're concerned he no longer exists. Its not like you have kids or any reason to communicate, look at it as a close shave and a lucky escape.

If you see him out and about, i.e. in the pub, just look through him like a stranger. If he says hi or tries to make convo, blank him. If he really wont leave off then be loud blunt and firm, as in "FUCK OFF!" -its the only language guys like him understand. Also it will make it obvious to everyone around you are fully done with this loser.

Mark his number as spam on your phone so he cant reach you. Set all your socials to private / friends only. Block him on everything. Block all his friends too if they're reporting back to him.
He might set up fake profiles to try to stalk you, so make sure all your info photos etc are all set to private.

Keep a diary of everything, times dates locations witnesses etc. No matter how small or petty the incident, it all builds a picture. You may need it if you end up having to report him. Dont be shy to do this btw, abuse is a crime, and so is stalking. Give him one chance to fuck off out your life, if he wont, then report report report.

And finally, give yourself a hug and take good care of your MH; you've been through it. Maybe book a holiday or go stay with family / friends for a break, the weathers perking up so maybe make some fun plans. Give yourself some exciting things to look forward to, so you're not looking back and dwelling.
And seek counselling if you're struggling, narcs do an absolute number on the MH.

Good luck to you and all the best 💐

There's no point in doing a Claire's Law request, because you are going to keep well away from him now aren't you? And never get drunk and have sex with him ever again either.

Don't see him again and block his number.

If anyone says he's said shit, just laugh and go 'He's nuts. Pay him no mind'.

Don't respond to anything from him.
Don't answer calls from unknown numbers.
Don't post anything online you would not want him hearing about.

If he's still trying to harass you in a few weeks, report him to the police.

Trauma bond will disappear after a few weeks of no contact. Month or two tops.

And as pp said- Claires law won't be entertained as he's not going to be in your life anymore.

He's nothing to you.
Unless he turns stalker now.
In which case you just straight up report to the police.

Several issues for you to work on

Getting drunk.

Alcohol lowers inhibitions.

Low self esteem. You can do so much better than a creep like him.

Sleeping with someone before you know them. When you sleep with someone, especially if it was fuelled by drunk you feel you have to turn it into a relationship.

Sadly, you've had a bad experience with this man but you are now realising that you can be strong enough to end it with him.

Think why you allowed yourself to be manipulated by him and how in future you can protect yourself.

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You may well find that if you say you've ended the relationship, they won't do a Claires law for you. I got told when I tried that as I'd already effectively safeguarded myself by dumping him. If you say he's stalking you they should tske it more seriously. Really though, now the penny has dropped, you should just block him on everything and don't go back to the pub. If there's a clear link between making bad decisions and alcohol, don't drink for a while and avoid plCes you know he goes. Any gossip, just say you have nothing to do with him anymore.
Its all simple to do, unless you love the drama of it all.

Gather together your self esteem and personal strength.

Delete/block his number.
Avoid places where you might meet him.
Don't get drunk.
Keep busy with things that will improve your own life.

Get some personal boundaries in place, build up your confidence, look after yourself.

Never again let yourself get into a situation or relationship where you are not valued and respected.

I blocked him on everything but his mobile number, mainly because I'm scared what he'll do if I block him out completely and because I wanted to see what he would send. Yesterday evening he text me few times which I ignored. He called me, I let it ring but answered it. We talked. I know that he's just hoovering. Later he sent a message to say he loves me too (I had told him that I do, a few days ago before the blinkers started coming off) also asked to see me but I didn't answer.

I'm really worried because I think he's obsessed with me and I've got to somehow find and put in enormous energy into breaking the trauma bond.

He text this morning all lovey-dovey, have a good day, etc . I haven't replied, but wonder if I should just put in a boring response and then ghost to hopefully bring a permanent stop to this feeling of angst and confusion. I thought I love him, but I realise I'm not even sure I know who the real him is.

Well fortunately its only been a few months so you can dump him and block him from everything. He will soon lose interest and move on and everyone else will also move on.

You're making this way more complicated than it needs to be.

Should I just text to dump or ghost?

I don't think this is a trauma bond. This is just having poor boundaries. You want to end things, but won't block his mobile. You didn't want to speak to him, but you answered when he called after letting it ring a few times. You want to ghost him, but are toying with messaging him back. Girl, put your big lady pants on and look after yourself first. There will be a million others out there for him to mess about. You don't need to offer yourself up on a platter like you are. Someone can only play games with you if you're willing to play. Stop playing the game. Drop the rope. Block him on everything. Do not engage. Do not text back. If you see him when out, pack yourself off home if necessary and go to bed.

There’s an awful lot of pseudo therapy speak in your post. You made a silly mistake by shagging a loser then starting to date him. He’s bad news and you’re not happy so dump him. Tbh I don’t think it sounds like he’s obsessed with you, you’re the one not letting go. Just block him.

I think you should say something like "I've realised this relationship isn't going to work for me, so I'm ending things here and no longer want any contact. I wish you the best however"

And then block him.

I wouldn't ghost because it's not shutting the door on him properly and if he does try to bother you further you haven't been clear about no contact.

I think it’s you who is obsessed.

Your message said ‘let’s call it a day’? Which implies that it is a suggestion and he had input.

Take control. One message: the one suggested by Category12 is good.

Do not be any more appeasing than that. Be definite and clear that you are ending the relationship and that is that.

I don’t know why you are thinking trauma bond etc. Have you been in an abusive relationship before? Because yes, his behaviour is emotionally abusive.

Rescue yourself while you can, and attend to your boundaries.

Good luck!

You are letting him do all this. It will stop when you actually stop it.

TBH, I don't think that you really want to.

You're making it seem like you have a huge job on your hands, here, but all you have to do is nothing.

What else do you/would you like to do in your life, outside of this relationship and this man? Do that, until you stop thinking of him.

Have you actually told him that it’s over?

If not text him now and tell him that it’s over.

If you have any of his belongings then perhaps get a friend to give them back to him.

You cannot then contact him or have sex with him if you see him out.

This.

There's no point doing a Claire's Law enquiry because those exist so that women can check on seemingly nice men to see whether they have been abusive in the past.

The point of them is that, if you discover a nice man is not really a nice man after all, you can dump him.

That's it.

Since you already know he isn't a very nice man, you are supposed to just dump him. You don't need the law to give you permission.

Send him a message saying you don't want to see him anymore and to stop contacting you. Be clear and direct so that, if he continues, you can go to the police for harassment.

I have broken up with him before, yes. He's tried all sorts to get back with me, lovebombing, gaslighting, stalking and having his flying monkeys report back to him of my whereabouts and activities.

Well op the police exist for a reason.

If you've told him it's over in writing then stop answering any more messages or calls.

If he continues to harass you,go to the police.
Tell people he's a being a creep and you've asked him to leave you alone if they are acting like flying monkeys. If they don't wise up, cut them from your life.

Do.not.speak.to.him.anymore.

@MorrisDesign , your posts are littered with therapy buzzwords but you are missing the only important thing here. It doesn't matter what he is like or what he does, at all. You don't live together, share finances or have children with him. You have agency, you can block him/not answer the phone/not get drunk and sleep with him/call the police if he won't back off after being told it is completely over. Entirely in your control.

You are presenting yourself as his victim and you really don't have to be.

You can ignore him you know. You dont have to get back together with him.

People can only treat you as badly as you allow them to.