How do you deal with friends taking the piss?

[ValerieVomit]

I've got these two friends who I met when we were all 18/19 but they along with another girl who we went out with (who has moved away and only sends Xmas and birthday cards now) were all friends from primary school and I always felt the outsider. I told them this when we were much older and they said they didn't realise that and it wasn't true anyway as they never saw me like that. That was probably stemming from my own insecurities growing up.

Now we have grown up we still see each other though one of them doesn't live locally anymore, we will meet up as a threesome about every month or so depending on other commitments. They're very different characters and also quite different to me, I'm the most gregarious of them one is the most sensible and the other is more reserved and quieter. We do sort of understand one another better now we are older and when I meet them independently - the local one I am helping with some work matters for instance - things are usually good. It's when we are all together that things change and they seem to in a subtle way gang up on me. They will have a bit of a pop disguised as teasing. I really don't like teasing in any way.

On Saturday I wore a sequin jacket. It was freezing cold and I didn't have a jacket with me but found this in the car. It is a dull silver sequin jacket a sort of biker jacket style, I chucked it on as I walked from car to bar, about 20 steps and then took it off when I got there. It wasn't full on Strictly glitter ball stuff, I wore it with black trousers and top.

OMG YOU LOOK LIKE GARY GLITTER! was the cry when I walked in. I felt like a fool being compared to a rancid old pervert and I thought it was inappropriate too. I doubt Gary Glitter shops at Mint Velvet.

Things like this have happened before, but though I don't think they're being malicious I don't like being the fall girl. They never do it when I see them one on one and they don't do it alongside me to the other one. It's not my style. Comments on me wearing high heels or making a bit of an effort on a Saturday night or wearing a dress or skirt, they wear trousers all the time.

I want to challenge it but I don't want a scene. Do you think they're being mean girls underneath it all or they see it as a bit of fun? They might think we're all such good mates that teasing is a way of building connection. I think I would challenge it by just asking "what do you mean by that?" and not stopping until they tell me why.

WWYD?

No "You sound like a right misery/you sound like a barrel of laughs" comments thank you.

I wouldn't bother challenging them and would just no longer meet up with them. They sound really childish and bitchy.

Most friendships aren't meant to last forever. Real friends don't tease you and take pleasure in making you feel foolish.

I've always been okay with friends laughing at me or with me, as long as we are all laughing, I don't tend to take things to heart. I would have probably burst out laughing at the Gary Glitter comment if it was made to me 😂

Maybe as you are the gregarious one, they think you're more able to take the jokes? Maybe just say, I know you don't mean anything by it, but I actually really don't like some of the "funny" comments which get flung my way, such as xzy, and I'd be much happier if those sorts of observations weren't made anymore.

I don't think they are bitches, but neither do I think your a stick in the mud. Communication is key and actually telling your friends how you feel if they are struggling to realise just from your expressions/body language. They may wonder why you haven't brought it up sooner if this is the dynamic of the group.

Hmmm… tbh if one of my close friends said that I’d think it was quite funny and make a ridiculous comment about something they were wearing. However, there’s definitely a difference between laughing at and laughing with. I think they’re out of order if they regularly speak to you like this and it’s clear you’re not amused and in on the joke.

I get what you mean. That has happened to me before.

I tried to not join in with the laughing but just looked a bit perplexed.

eg - with the jacket incident I wd have shrugged and said “it’s just a jacket- what can I say?”

Or “ok - if I’m Gary glitter I’m trying to work out which one of you looks most like …. (Insert name of dodgy crim they wd all know)”

that way your either letting them know you’re not into the joke or they face the joke being turned around on them.

If they return to a previous “joke” - eg, from previous night out - just say in a mild way “oh no - this was boring last time - let’s move on”

don’t be tempted to join in and make yourself the but of the joke. It’s so strange how a dynamic can change depending on who’s there. Good luck 😀

It’s not strange that the dynamic changes. The dynamic changes because they’re low level bullying you. If they always had this banter, then they’d do it alone. But they don’t, they wait until the other is there to have back up/an audience.

I wouldn’t put up with it and I’d just stop being friends.

However, you’ve had good advice for ClydeBank if you’d like to try and get them to stop.

Who the hell takes the piss out of they're friends. I don't insult my friends. I may not like what they're wearing but I don't point that out to them. We may have banter but it never hurts people's feelings.

If they do it to everyone then okay just you then no not okay.

Personally I’d have found that funny, but I’ve a sense of humour and can laugh at myself, I’d not have assumed they actually thought I looked like Gary glitter or a pervert, but were cracking a joke.

which makes me wonder if you are vey4 sensitive or have low self esteem.

They sound a bit sad. If they are quieter and shy and need support with work matters, I presume they are not particularly successful?

Recognise they are probably a bit beneath you now and move on.

Or be comfortable with piss taking and give it back better than you get. I don't think a glitter joke is out of order if done by good mates with proper delivery.

You getting upset is probably a reflection of how close or not you feel to them.

In friendships that feel secure, I think gentle teasing is absolutely fine. My friends and I do tease each other.

I can see that if you're feeling slightly on the outside of that group anyway that teasing might feel like them ganging up on you though.

Maybe these friendships work well 1-to-1 but not as the whole group. You could choose not to spend time with the group if the dynamic feels off. Or if deep down you feel they're not good friendships maybe it's natural to move away from spending time with them anyway.

I think the problem here is that you're not getting involved. DP and her friends do this to each other, its just gentle teasing, but because its' all three of them, then its more of a round robin of teasing. One minute F1 and F2 will be ganging up on DP, then DP and F1 will wind up F2, and then five minutes later its F1s turn to be on the receiving end.

If you're not getting involved, then the only way its going to end up 2 on 1 is when they're winding you up.

You've got 3 options:

1. Tell them its upsetting you
2. Join in
3. Stop seeing them

All 3 are valid (although I'd try option 1 or 2 before jumping to 3)

@Bobbotgegrinch They don't do it to each other though, only me. I don't understand why that is. They have done it in the past about the other girl who isn't part of the social group anymore now. It's made me check myself and ask myself if I do it at all. I don't, thankgod.

They were very disapproving of my choice of partners, too. To be fair on reflection so am I now, and I wouldn't touch any of them with a bargepole if I had that time over again.

I don't think anyone should be forced to join in with teasing when it's not to their taste. Admittedly I grew up with trivialising and teasing and minimising from family members and it's always been a sore point with me which is one reason I don't like this from my friends. Joining in would make me feel I was being catty and spiteful.

Maybe you are just all too different- do you enjoy your time with them or do you think you have to analyse too much? If you’re usually the more outgoing, they may just think it’s your nature to do banter and teasing- myself and a friend used to always tease each other then we met as adults and I made a joke and she said ‘are you implying I’m not able for my job?’ and I said ‘oh god no sorry, that must have come out wrong’ Then she texted me and asked did I think we were able to be friends or do I have a problem with her. I was in shock. Your friends honestly might just think it’s normal banter

@stayathomer Usually yes. I didn't this weekend though, that was also to do with the venue as much as them pissing about.

I feel that the fact they don't do it to each other, or when they're with you individually, means that they're doing it to be bitchy. Do they look at each other and smirk while they make the comments?

I've not looked, but I will next time!

It's hard to say who's being unreasonable here. You're perhaps a little sensitive but they're perhaps a little bitchy if they constantly commenting on your clothes. Just wondering - could they be feeling insecure? Do they feel you're prettier/slimmer than them and that's bringing out a bitchy side?
I have to say, me and my friends tease each other all the time. I admit the Gary Glitter comment made me laugh (sorry OP) and my friends would have laughed if I said it to them. Me and my friends will say far worse to each other but we always know where to draw the line. I genuinely believe we don't upset each other. If you feel your friends have gone beyond affectionate teasing and are actually just picking on you then that's different and I'd end the friendship.

Offer to buy them saucers of milk when you next get a round in! You do need to push back a bit - seems they've become accustomed to this routine and might not even realise themselves that it's become a pattern of behaviour. A gentle retort, maybe along the lines of 'you're on form tonight (name of catty friend)' might draw attention to the frequency and make them consider themselves how they are coming across.

I wouldn’t do to my friends what they’re doing to you. Personally, I’ve reached an age where I accept that some dynamics are toxic and I throw them in the Fuck It Bucket and roll along. Sounds like maintaining one-on-one relationships with these friends is okay, so I would leave it at that. Personally, I wouldn’t join both of them together if they were being mean to me, even if they did label it as ‘banter.’ They’ve clearly developed an unhealthy habit and it’s time for you to remove yourself from that situation and only interact with them individually if you still value them as friends.

Agree it's nasty and cowardly... seems like you're being eased into a position where you're basically the group scapegoat. Quite common in small groups unfortunately.

I guess you could try the witty retorts or whatever, but if it's not in your personality (plus they might pretend to take offence or ignore this).

With this dynamic, it seems like they're bonding over being nasty to you.

I'd politely retreat without making a big deal...why waste your precious time and money on people like this? You don't feel great, move on. They need help they can help each other.

Your friend who is "quiet" but somehow manages to find her voice to say something nasty...is this actually the type of person you want to engage with out of choice?

Pretend you're ill or something boring has come up and leave them to it. Take time to respond to messages and phase them out.

Oddly enough, with this dynamic, they probably NEED a third person to be nasty too. If you're more gregarious, professionally successful, confident enough to express yourself with your clothes there may be some jealousy there, too.

If you disappear they'll either look for another person or turn on each other. You'll be happily doing your own thing then.

I agree with @SunBeo, it does sound as though they're bonding over being unkind to you.

I had a similar situation years ago with a couple of friends and looking back I think they would bitch about me when not with me and then do/say things as a pair when they were with me that they'd either planned or were going to laugh about or bitch about later

I had a similar 3 group friendship scenario.
I would meet up, only for them to have very lengthy conversations about people I didn’t know, basically excluding me. It started to feel intentional as I had told them how I was feeling.
it was unpleasant, I don’t see them together now, and the friendships have dwindled.
this friendship sounds bullying, I’d move on.

Oddly enough, with this dynamic, they probably NEED a third person to be nasty too. If you're more gregarious, professionally successful, confident enough to express yourself with your clothes there may be some jealousy there, too.

@SunBeo Yes this is the case, I am the most professionally successful of the three of us (four if you count the other girl who we don't see anymore).

@IsawwhatIsaw They have done that too, not for a while. Talking about people from school that I don't know as I went to a different school from the three of them.

They don't come over as nasty, though. It could easily be mistaken for good natured teasing. But if it is subtle, it can be seen as negging which we see a lot about in 'romantic' relationships. As explained, I do not do well with teasing because of my history with it. I've never done it to anyone else either it is alien to me.

One example was for a birthday present. We usually get each other a 'goody bag' filled with lots of small things. One year I got some marshmallows, which I love, but it was presented as "now you're getting on a bit you'll need something soft because of your old gnashers." I'm the oldest of them all by a few months and there is nothing wrong with my teeth!

Sounds boring and unfunny as well as nasty.

I don't think your background makes you oversensitive....perhaps you've learned to ignore your feelings because of it? But your feelings are valid.

Frequently the message given by dysfunctional families is "your feelings don't matter or are wrong".

It's like the shark cage theory for friends...if you haven't learned to trust your own feelings and just walk away if there's a bad vibe, they'll keep on pushing further.

Unfortunately some people are quite emotionally predatory and good at testing boundaries and sniffing out vulnerability.

Even if you don't think you're vulnerable, and feel confident, nasty people can tell.

They look to draw people in, find out information, encourage them to be relaxed, then break them down.

Especially if they haven't done that well in life (putting energy into being verbal smart arses rather than studying or their careers) and they think you have.

If you're conscientious and polite and nice you're a magnet to these types.

It is hard if you want long term friends, as it can difficult meeting new people as an adult.

But if the interaction is making you feel bad there is no reason to continue.

(Many content adults just focus on work and themselves, and only catch up with people occasionally! And we all get lonely.

Better staying in with a new Netflix or Prime series than paying to go out to be insulted).

I understand you, but I'd personally interpret it like this.
From the examples you have given I wouldn't be able to say what is wrong with what they have said or done, but I wasn't brought up with "friendly teasing" or banter so while it wouldn't come naturally to me to make such remarks I wouldn't class them as hurtful.
I sort of see it as being brought up differently and being accustomed to a different interaction style, one of which I am unfamiliar.

For example the making a joke about you being the eldest of the group, or wearing a particular piece of clothing, or "getting dressed up" are things that I would quite easily be able to laugh about, if addressed to me, but that's maybe because they aren't things that I feel uncomfortable about.

However if my friends made comments which touched on subjects they knew I found hard or struggled with, and then used them to make "jokes" at my expense I would find that hurtful and not wish to continue the friendship.

At the end of the day, if, for whatever reason you feel off and not uplifted after being with friends, then it's time to make new ones.