How often do your parents call you?

[PleaseStopCalling]

NC for this. I’m early 30s, live with my partner, no kids, parents live abroad (in my native country). They do my head in with the amount they call. They are now divorced. I spoke to them both on the weekend (Mum: 2 hours on Sunday, Dad: texts). Monday night my mum called, I ignored it. I spoke to my dad for about 30 mins. Tuesday night my mum called again. Tonight I finally picked up and it was an hour of wittering. She doesn’t ask me about my life, if I volunteer information we move swiftly back to her. All she does is talk about my dad, why my native country is shite, why men are bad, moving to be near me and what her options are to do so (I have sent all the information I reasonably can; I can’t teleport her to live here). Why do they call me so much and how do I make it stop? There is nothing to talk about.

My mum probably about twice a month. My dad never. My mum messages maybe a couple of times a week but most of the time I’m the one who initiates. She rarely asks any questions so doesn’t know much about my life but to be fair she is quite enthusiastic about the kids and is good with them, as is my dad. My mum is generally quite negative/gossipy. My dad is judgemental but positive, which sounds like a contradictory mix but that’s him!

Equally if they were all over me like yours appear to be that would piss me off too!

I just realised it’s only Tuesday. God, how. She called on Sunday night as well (despite speaking on Sunday morning). So it’s 3 nights and I finally picked up on night 3, if that’s reading a bit weird.

Never.
They seem to have a mental block that equates to a one way phone - we should ring them regularly but somehow they never have to ring us.

I talk to my mum daily. It’s funny because she used to be the one looking to me for conversation, now I’m just asking her about the way she did the things I’m doing. I think I’m getting too aware that someday she won’t answer the phone

Same here, and if I miss the usual slot I get sarky comments. It's all done tongue in cheek (ish) but I do remind them they could call me! They're hardly infirm - my Mum is only 65

So to answer the question - rarely!

@BingoMarieHeeler my mum is also negative and gossipy. I find it really draining. She says she’s not a negative person but she literally will be like “did you know X? They died” about people I barely remember. Y has cancer. Z is losing their house in the divorce.

@familyissues12345 my mum is 55! I’m glad she knows the phone goes both ways but if she could remember this fact a bit less… if she’s not calling me she’s calling my sister.

Your mum sounds like she may be going through the lonely empty nest time, she may feel lonely after the divorce, its such a tricky time when you have reached a certain aga, regardless of where you live. She may feel she needs that good old closeness from when you needed her a little more?

Could it be she is just overwhelmed by loneliness?

She sounds lonely 😢 to me.

My mum never called me, but then she was too busy with her many boyfriends after my Dad divorced her for having an affair with the (married) vicar.

Surely every day is excessive though? I haven't really been dependent on my parents for a long time, I moved out at 19 and didn't go back. She has four children, two still at home, so there's no empty nest there.

If I do offer anything she might actually be able to help me with, she doesn't really want to talk about it and she's previously said "you don't need me anymore". So I'm not exactly sure what I'm supposed to do? I love her, I really do, but the constant phone calls are hard and don't feel like they meaningfully advance any kind of closeness, I just spend a lot of time biting my tongue and trying to pivot the conversation away from what a bastard my dad is (again, she's much cause to feel hard done by and I feel for her, but I also can't hear about it every time we speak). She's actually easier in person though that's obviously rare.

I agree it is excessive, but it seems she needs you for emotional support. If it is short term, fair enough, but I’d say if it goes on for several months and is no better or even more negative, then I would be gently nudging her towards seeing her GP or looking up a private therapist? That would be because I would suspect depression brewing and you are not a professional who can help her. The end of a long marriage where she has cause to feel hard done by can kick off a grieving process where the person mourns the life they should have had, and the fact they wasted all their youth on a partner who let them down or treated them badly. It could be more than loneliness so pay attention to her mood as much as what she talks about.

@Cherryon thanks. This has been going on for months. If it was the odd week I’d be fine with it, but it isn’t now. In November I was genuinely concerned for her, December I told her she needed a therapist, who she got but I am 99% sure she no longer sees due to cost (because she is splurging on a big holiday which is entirely her choice, fine). I’m not concerned now. But since the upheaval of late last year, triggered by a mix of her telling me the reason for the divorce and then getting annoyed that I wanted time to sit with it and didn’t want to talk to her about it (it’s extremely unpleasant), and then my father getting a new partner, she seems to have settled in to this new pattern of calling all the time. She probably is lonely, but that doesn’t make it sustainable. I’m now seeing a therapist myself. She has friends, I know it’s hard but I can’t be her emotional support animal on this. I try my best but it’s too much. She’s also much better than she was mood-wise.

We call each other most days just to check in. If I'm stopping at the shops on my way home from work, I'll call to see if she needs anything. She comes for dinner 2/3 times a week. Same with Mil

My mom weekly, birthmom when she needs money, and adopted Dad every 2-3 years when he remembers he has kids.

That is actually normal?? My DH used to laugh and tease his mother. She would say, "do you remember Robert?" and he would go, "No, but he's dead isn't he?" which was invariably the case. It's older people with a sense of their own mortality.

I really miss the phone calls! My parents rarely called me, but they didn't have to anyway because we three sisters rang them every night. I remember vividly one day my mum rang me in work, which was almost unheard of! She was ringing to say she had been awarded an MBE and she didn't know if it was genuine! It was! The slot was 6-7, because you had to get in after the rate got cheaper at 6 but before Emmerdale, and whoever got in first used to curse the other two! I unloaded so much to my mum, and I know she was bored and only half listened - and now I am doing the same with my children!

Conversely if you didn't ring, there'd be an inquiry! I sometimes rang my mum several times a day, god bless her patience. I'd have probably called her to tell her I'd bought a pint of milk! I didn't speak to dad as often - mum was the one we needed to speak to, all three of us!

What I wouldn't give to be able to call her now, to update her on 17/18 years of my life and my children's lives!! I'm in tears now.

Have a little patience. She needs that contact with you. Trust me, I know they are annoying now, but you will miss them when they no longer come.

Several times a day for a catch up chat. We were always close but now we’re a bit older, are also best friends and go on holiday together so it would feel odd to not talk at least twice a day.
We’re about an hours drive away from each other.

Sometimes she comes and stays for a week or two. She’s in her eighties but quite independent !

Every day at 1.30pm also a couple of txts throughout the day as well.

Same here. And if I dare to go a whole week in between calls because I'm run off my feet every day and evening with work and kids hobbies, and to see if she'll actually ring me instead for once I get a sarky comment when I next call referring to the fact she's not heard from me.

@potatowine @Lucythecleaner that's so often! Do you live close by? What do you talk about?

@Sweetpotatofalafels I'm quite lucky that I don't get the sarky comments tbh. But honestly I think I speak to her too often for her to say she's not heard from me.

We live 10 minutes away from each other. We talk about my children, life, news, weather, tv programs, health, diets, and weight, gardening, music, how her day is going, COL, my dad's health. Lots of things.
I like talking to her most days, but if I don't call she will txt and ask why.
Sometimes I just say I'm not in a chatty mood so we will have a convo through txt instead lol

We speak weekly for about half an hour - also live on different continents. We WA message maybe twice a week on top.

Of course every day is excessive. So stop answering the phone every single time she calls, and see if you can maybe whittle it down to once a week/month/whatever you consider acceptable. It's not your job to solve your parents' problems.

Mum I speak to one or twice a year on the phone - I couldn't cope with more. She's a bully and a narcissist. We might email once or twice a month but it's strictly kept to the same mundane topics. I haven't seen her in about 9 years.

My dad - never. Not unless I find a way to call the great beyond lol.

@BeaRF75 you are right – and I don't answer the phone every time. I didn't answer on Sunday or Monday, then Tuesday I finally did. It's just the volume and length of calls; if I'm only picking up every 3rd day or so it's still a lot! And 2-3 hours the past two weekends as well.