How often do your parents call you?

[PleaseStopCalling]

NC for this. I’m early 30s, live with my partner, no kids, parents live abroad (in my native country). They do my head in with the amount they call. They are now divorced. I spoke to them both on the weekend (Mum: 2 hours on Sunday, Dad: texts). Monday night my mum called, I ignored it. I spoke to my dad for about 30 mins. Tuesday night my mum called again. Tonight I finally picked up and it was an hour of wittering. She doesn’t ask me about my life, if I volunteer information we move swiftly back to her. All she does is talk about my dad, why my native country is shite, why men are bad, moving to be near me and what her options are to do so (I have sent all the information I reasonably can; I can’t teleport her to live here). Why do they call me so much and how do I make it stop? There is nothing to talk about.

@StrawberryWater I never email her unless it's sending booking confirmations for things she has asked me to book! Not even going to try that, as it's another mode of communication (we already have WhatsApp, Messenger, she sends reels on Instagram which I don't mind tbf, follows my Twitter and LinkedIn.. just keen to not add more strings to the communications bow)

My dad calls on my birthday. My mum used to be the same but calls me more often now she is alone - every few months.

I know other people who happily speak to their parents on the phone every day, though. If you don't like it that often, or don't want to hear her moaning about your dad, it's kind of up to you to change things, isn't it? She might think you are happy with it.

My mum used to call me every Sunday or if something exciting happened in the week. I miss that. Your mum is clearly lonely, but it's not your issue to fix.

My dad and I have gone for a year with 2 emails purely checking we are alive. I had DC and he became more interested in performance grandparenting (because he did zero for me tbh!) but since they've recognised it's a bit of an act he's faded away again. I had a big health issue in Jan and he came up once (where I had to wait on him hand and foot) and hasn't bothered to ask how I am (email or call) since. He expects a lot more than he gives.

Maybe you can suggest a day when she can call and set a time limit? Sunday around 3pm for an hour or something? All you can do is repeat you've sent her all the info on moving and let her offload really, but having a set time for minimal disruption might help.

Never.
Hear from my dad via text on birthdays/christmas (lives in US and is a knob)
See my mum once a month but minimal contact between that.

They're just a bit crap.

I think it's more what the calls represent than the number (although that is excessive). She's using you as an unpaid therapist, that's not right, that's not a child/parent relationship. Options are not pick up and hope you train her out of it or have a discussion. She is really young to not be taking responsibility, thought you were going to say 80's. But that's probably because I am 52 and have had the same with my mum since I was about 5 - well had , I dared to say something she didn't like and now unless she needs some admin doing she never gets in touch.

WhatsApp messaging everyday.

None of us enjoy phone calls.

I think you've hit the nail on the head with this really. I am very sympathetic that her life is not easy and she's constrained by various commitments, but I really don't want to talk about it all the time. And there are lots of things where she takes no responsibility for stuff and it's someone else's fault.

@MsMuffinWalloper also makes good points. The time difference makes it quite tricky but I'll need to be more strict.

Forgive me if you’ve said but has she always used you as a sounding board/to vent to?

Actual calling not that often. But when they do you can guarantee it's when I'm making tea or just say to watch a show I want to watch.

Message dad daily even if it's just the wordle results. Mum twice a week or so

They look after the dog a lot so most messages are about that.

We text few times a week. Calls bit draining usually no news, who died in parish. All about her. 80s. If you have any positivity she starts about herself. Very draining! ..

My dad rings me if someone has died.

My mum rings me when she wants an argument.😂

I am the mom here. Call my kids every second week and they call me on the other one...we have fallen into that pattern. Few whatsapp messages in between. Will call if there is any big news. Calls usually last about 30 mins. All suits me and them as we are all busy people.

It's ebbed and flowed. I was an only child for a long time, siblings followed much later, so there was a real sense it was just the two of us for ages and I do feel that a lot. Also because of the age gap I'm treated as a bit of an aunt, not a sister.

When I was younger, she was very hard on me (super strict) and I expressed wanting more freedom and she took it very badly and painted it as a personal betrayal because I'd said it to one of her sisters. And I think when I was a teenager she saw me as a lost cause because I wasn't doing what she wanted, wanted to move, etc. She'd say things like she always knew something was a bit wrong with me.

Now I'm a fully competent adult with my own life and have been for a decade or more she does vent, increasingly so with the divorce. It is tricky because there's no value in dredging any of that stuff up really, it would just make her feel bad and for what? I'm responsible for my own choices now regardless of how things were when I was a teen. Plus I think she genuinely doesn't remember the things she said / can't countenance ever having been in the wrong. But it does mean that I feel a bit like I'm increasingly having to be the adult, and she forgets that she made it near impossible for me to leave (confiscated my passport for example).

My dad sometimes does ring to stir the pot! Less now he has a new partner but for a while it was all of this "take care of your mother" shtick, with no acknowledgement that he was mainly responsible for the distress!

OP, you need to get a handle on this. Stop answering the phone so much, be busy, and tell them you can only talk at certain times.

You can do this politely, it doesn't have to be rude or standoffish.

To answer your question, my parents very rarely ring me (neither of them work but I do and am very busy) - they let me decide when to call. Despite the fact that one of them has a mental illness and can also talk for England and vents sometimes. It works OK because it's contained, and I can feel like I am supporting them without becoming too frustrated. I think it's really courteous of them to let me lead, and I appreciate it.

It is important to have these boundaries for all of your sakes. You can care about someone but still put boundaries in place.

That’s awful, I’m so sorry you had to go through all that. Credit to you that you can see it all so clearly and see what’s happening and how she behaves.

I also commend you being the bigger person but would say it’s fine to be hurt and upset and mourn for a decent parent. And would be totally acceptable if you weren’t being the bigger person!!

Almost never. Maybe once every few months, but there have been times when it's been a year or more between calls.

Consequently they know virtually nothing about my life and even when I do speak to them, they don't ask and I don't volunteer information.

It's quite sad as I used to be very close to my Dad in particular, but since he got remarried (about 20 years ago) he's never been that interested in me. In fact my ex-h has more contact with my parents than I do (which may also be a contributing factor to keeping them at arms length).