Cheated and lied to with kids involved

[daddy99123]

I don't really know where to start, and this isn't really my thing but I have nobody to talk to so so thought I'd try here. It's a long story (when isn't it). My wife and I have been together since 2007 where we met in sixth form and started dating, we then got married in 2014 and everything seemed to be going well, although we initially lived at my mum's for nearly four years whilst we saved for a deposit for a house. Whilst living at home wasn't all plain sailing, in 2018 we finally got our own place and things were going well between us and we thought we'd try for a baby as we had always wanted one and felt we were now ready, especially as we felt secure in our jobs, had the space and financially. We got pregnant, however suffered a miscarriage within the first 12 weeks of pregnancy, we took some time out to recover, went on a couple of holidays and seemingly came out of it stronger, or so I thought. In 2019, pre-lockdown, we went through a bit of a rough patch and separation was discussed, mainly owing to petty squabbles, however we managed to overcome this and in Nov 2020 went on to have our eldest daughter who was born during lockdown and is now 3 1/2 years old. In Sep 2022, our family grew even further with another daughter whose now 18 months old. We had always discussed having 3 children and in Dec 2023 we thought we'd start trying for another. Unfortunately 12 weeks in we went to our scan and found that the baby had Downs and over Christmas period had a decision to make all the whilst hiding the pregnancy and our predicament from family and putting on brave faces. We had provisionally booked in an appointment at clinic for termination just after m New Years Day, whilst we decided what to do, which we didn't until the day before the appointment. It was a horrible ordeal having to make the decision, however we went through with the termination and understandably so we were broken. As a man, I knew my wife would take it a lot harder due to the physical factors as well as the emotional, and prior to the termination the baby had started kicking and we also found out it was another girl, which made things all the more harder. She felt tremendous guilt and whilst I totally understood, I reassured her that it could happen to anybody although she kept questioning if we are bad people, to which I responded we weren't. Fast forward a month after this ordeal, I was at my mum's house with my wife and the kids and my eldest daughter (as much as we hate it) sometimes has screen time on her mum's phone. I decided screen time was over and took her mum's phone which is usually password protected but was unlocked. My wife was busy with my mum helping her pack for a holiday upstairs and so I randomly thought I'd just check my wife's WhatsApp. It's not something I'd normally do, and I really don't what possessed me to do it on this occasion as I fully trusted her. I recognised most of the people she was speaking to, which were family and friends, however noticed a couple of chats in the archive section. I clicked into it and found messages she had been exchanging with a colleague. The messages were explicit and some referenced that there had been some sexual activity between them including as a minimum oral sex at work in a meeting room. My jaw nearly dropped and my heart began to race. I couldn't really believe what I was reading and I took a video of the messages so that I could confront her when we got home. On the way home I was numb, I didn't know what to say or what to feel but tried to remain calm and composed. When we got home I confronted her about her colleague and I said who is that, she immediately got nervous and as I pressed her she came out with bits of what they'd been upto without disclosing the full truth, over the coming days I pressed some more and she would come out with new things each time. The trust was shattered. The level of deceit and lies unprecedented. The conclusion was that, she had first started cheating on me in November 2019 with this person, kissing, touching in the office in meeting rooms on multiple occasions, this was disrupted when COVID came along and then we had our two daughters but resumed back in September 2023 when she gave him oral sex in the office and they then had sex briefly. I didn't know what to say and of course still didn't know what to believe and what not to believe. I told her I needed time and that I felt emasculated, humiliated, angry and broken. Over the next few days I told her that if it wasn't for the sake of our kids I'd be gone but that I'd try to carry on with the marriage. It's now 2 months since I found out and whilst I've tried to act normal and we've tried to carry on, I have come to the realisation that I can't. I haven't told my friends or family out of pure embarrassment and I'm not one to showcase my vulnerabilities. She is of course begging and pleading me to give it another shot, but I just don't think I can do it anymore. I love my kids I really do and I want the best for them in life and didn't want them to have a broken family but I'm now considering divorce. The hardest thing for me has been learning that she's lied to me for the past 5 years and didn't tell me before children that she'd cheated on me, in a way trapping me, and then having sex with someone in the office, and 5 months later not disclosing it even after what we went through with the termination. All the time I was trying to be her rock and she had been deceiving me. The reason for my post is to understand if anyone has ever been through a similar level of cheating or lies and managed to salvage their relationship? I am not sure if it's worth considering couples counselling as a last bid as I don't want to let my kids down, until I simply have no option.

I think if the trust is broken, it’s really hard to get back.

Would your wife have told you if you hadn’t found out?

I am so sorry you’re going through this, but my advice would be to leave and focus on being good co-parents.

I started reading but gave up, so sorry if I've missed anything, but from the last few lines - if you don't trust her and she's cheated you should leave. From what I read she was going to split with you prior to child 1 and possibly has kept going for the kids and the possibility of more/hoping it would salvage your relationship. Kids never do that and IMO you both should have called it then, but hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Move on and try to let it go. Don't let it eat you up. Enjoy your daughters and try to find someone who really wants to be with you for you, not for kids. Sorry you've had this happen. Cheating is horrible and never necessary. It's the cowards way of being selfish and making the other person end things.

Thanks for your reply DrunkenElephant. So she said that she would have told me and that the guilt was eating her up inside, however I saw no indication that she was ever going to tell me. Even when I knew she confronted her, first I asked her basic questions, like who is this person and she just said no one why. She maintains she was going to tell me but I'm not so sure. Another thing is that she told me little bits of what they'd done without revealing the full extent and continued to lie until I gave her further ultimatums. I now realise her excessive guilt about when we had to go through the termination and questioning herself about whether we were good people or we were being punished was in some relation to what she'd been doing.

Hi - so sorry you are going through this.

I m afraid that you are so disgusted by her that building back the relationship will be hard.
Also, and apologies for asking, would you consider a DNA test for the kids?

Sorry CarInsurance, it was a very long post and I'm no JK Rowling. Thank you for your thoughts, and i really wish that she had told me before there were kids involved, now we have a great big mortgage and our dream home, we both have good jobs and are financially well placed given the economy, the kids are in nursery and had what I thought was a bright future. The things that really scare me are not knowing how effective co parenting can be and that impacting the way the kids grow up, another thing is the financial aspect of how they'll be impacted, we'd have to sell the house for sure and I'm not sure how we'll manage co parenting amicably

You won't let your kids down by leaving. My advice is do it soon so it becomes their normal well before eldest starts school and before things become really bitter.

I couldn’t give her another chance personally. She has shown no love, care or respect for you. She completely betrayed you, and kept this secret.

She has broken the trust. And that is very hard to move past.

Sorry OP. You must be going through hell right now, so focus on looking after yourself and being there for the kids.

Hi Rania78, I think the kids are mine as they look somewhat like me, we are Asian and the person she cheated on with was Caucasian, so imagine there may have been some difference in skin colour. She also maintained they did not have intercourse until September 2023 which is when the relationship resumed after she went back to work post 2nd child maternity leave. I've tried to not think about it but in truth I'm thinking about it every single day and things like watching a movie where someone's cheating on someone have bought it back up a couple of times. I just feel so angry that she was able to do that to me.

Thank you Garlicnaan, I've mentioned divorce and also that I want her to confess what she's been upto to both my family and hers, but in all honesty I am not out for revenge, I just wish it wasn't happening. I don't really want anyone to know that this has happened to me, I don't want to be known as a victim and feel pity from friends and family

Thank you KiwiOtter. I think I know where this is headed, my heart just bleeds for my kids as I know things won't be how I envisaged for them, although it's not directly my fault. I have tried to understand why she did what she did but she can't really give me a good enough answer. She says she's not attracted to him and never was but I don't really know what to believe anymore.

Hi, I’m sorry you are going through this.

The trust has gone and in this situation I doubt you’d ever get it back, don’t waste your life with someone who has treated you like this.

You can still be a dad to your kids and find happiness with someone who truly deserves you xx

Five years of cheating is a horrible level of ongoing deceit. No wonder you're in pieces. It might help you to look up Betrayal Trauma. I think it will strike a chord.
You don't have to make a decision immediately but honestly I think this will be incredibly hard to come back from. It's not a one off moment.
And she didn't tell you. That's a kicker.
If you hadn't found out by yourself it would've continued. She didn't make the choice of her own accord to stop this and I think that can be a tipping point IME. You can feel like you've forced your partner to be faithful rather than it come voluntarily from them.
"Tricke truth" is also a nightmare. Without a full disclosure of the truth, you're constantly second guessing and it doesn't show commitment on her part to completely owning what she's put you through.
i advise checking out survivinginfidelity.com
You will find so many people going through almost identical scenarios to you.
They are really supportive and non judgemental.
Some have repaired their relationship, some have split. But they'll back you whatever you decide.

Thanks for all the replies, it's really helping to put things into perspective. I have been having good days and bad days where sometimes I think she's made a mistake but then I think about all the grief we've gone through and that she lied to me and the length of time. I think it's clear what I need to do, I just need to muster up the courage to do it and hope that things can be done in an amicable way too avoid disruption to the kids lives

I saw this a while ago on another thread and think you might find it helpful in some way OP. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/articles/199305/beyond-betrayal-life-after-infidelity

Re kids and co-parenting, honestly the kids will be happy if both parents are relaxed. Short term there is the upheaval and moving and cost, but long term you won't be getting intensely jealous with your wife, feeling second best, wondering if she wants to be there really or is it just for the kids... Having had it happen to me and trying to work past it, it rarely works. On some level you always resent them and for your own MH it really doesn't help you. Weird as it sounds leaving is putting yourself first, which can only be the best choice for the kids, right?

I'm no finance expert but maybe someone can help you determine how the next step works to give you an idea and starting block?

OP my heart goes out to you. You have been put in an agonising and painful position, it’s no wonder you are feeling angry and trying to work out what has just happened. I’m in a similar position right now and I can assure you the initial shock does wear off within a week or so and you’ll be in a much better place to consider things, albeit not a happy place for the time being. The shock may give way to anger, and you have every right to be incredibly angry right now. You might want to look up the stages of bereavement as the emotional response I’ve found is very similar.

Im only a few days down the line from you and also consumed with so many questions and confusion about how someone could lie and betray in that way. Your wife has been doing this for FIVE YEARS. I think you have realised yourself that it would probably be almost impossible to rebuild any trust going forward. To add to that, she has only confessed when pushed and so you’ll never know the full truth, and she may well lie again in the future.

Think about your own happiness and needs as well as your children’s, because above all they’ll benefit from a happy dad. You have plenty of time to go forward from this, and find someone who will respect and appreciate you.

My heart really goes out to you, stay strong and let yourself feel the big emotions which will come and go as you process it all. Don’t be afraid to tell friends and family, the shame is in no way yours to bear and you may get some much needed support.

Thank you Sparklenote, I'm sorry you are having to go through something similar, it's not something I'd wish upon my worst enemy really. I've pushed and pushed and think I've got what the final version of her truth is but as you say I'll never really know what happened. My happiness is secondary at the moment. I'm 34, so maybe there's time but I'll find it hard to trust people again.

I hope your coping, it's sounds like you are keeping positive and that's the best we can do at the moment as we figure things out, I suppose what doesn't kill us can only make us stronger.

I am so so sorry you are going through this whilst wanting to be a good Dad. It sounds incredibly tough. I agree with a previous poster and I think leaving her (I know that is incredibly hard and much easier to say than to do) is a good idea. I also understand that processing all this will take a long time and it might not be easy to leave her straight away so don't beat yourself up if it takes a bit of time.

Co-parenting is normal and great in so many ways. 5 years (and it could have been a lot longer as she clearly wasn't going to tell you) is a long time. You deserve much better.

I personally wouldn't bother trying to give this another chance.

She's had intimate relations with another man... for five years. If you hadn't gone through her messages, it's likely it would've continued and you wouldn't have found out.

If I were in your position, I'd be having DNA tests done to confirm I'm the biological father of the children, along with an STI test. A cheater will more than likely minimise what they've done and will only tell you as little as they can get away with.

Cheating on somebody is never a 'mistake'. It's calculated and wouldn't happen if the person loves / respects their spouse.

Plenty of people co-parent after divorce perfectly fine. That will be healthier for your children as opposed to staying in a marriage with a cheat that you don't want to be in for the sake of them.

@Garlicnaan is right about co-parenting. If you separate now while the dcs are little, it will become their norm and they will take it much more in their stride.

There’s an awful lot of posts involving people randomly checking their partners phone for no reason at all and happening to find messages. Is it likely your wife would let her kids use her phone if it contained details of her sex life or would have saucy WhatsApp messages popping up?

I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation, from my own painful experience I can sadly say it eats away at you. I also hid the pain due to embarrassment and that has to have been my worst mistake. For four years I held in the truth about my husband's affair and it almost destroyed me! Talk to someone in real life, let them know how you are feeling, take some time to absorb all this and then decide what YOU want to do. From personal experience once the trust is gone there's no going back, your children are young and this is most definitely a positive, if you decide to break up and co-parent at this age you have a good chance of being able to move on and both live your lives. Ultimately you get to decide, trust is a huge thing - often the cheater goes on to cheat again, you'll always have your guard up and that's no way to live. Sending hugs your way x

I’m so sorry op. From what you wrote, it seems you only found out about 2 months ago? If that’s the case, you will absolutely still be reeling, still in shock and feeling rage, anger, disbelief, betray, humiliation.
The first thing to remember is this is nothing to do with you. For reasons only she currently knows, your wife chose this, you did not. It is entirely a reflection of her, not you. Your integrity is intact and she is the one who has humiliated herself.
The responses to infidelity on here are never very nuanced, so I would suggest having a look at the Surviving Infidelity website. Lots of people on there who have been through it, some who left, some who stayed. I wish you luck whatever you decide, it’s the shittest, shittest thing to have to go through x

She's not sorry since you found out.

This is hellish for you, op. I've been through it and you will never stop wondering, testing, checking. There is no peace of mind ever again. Torture.

Personally, having been someone who tried to make things work after adultery, I would never waste my time again. Even with both parties having the best of intentions.

So sorry this has happened to you. I don’t think your marriage can survive 5 years of deceit. Your children are still young and they will adapt to a separation. It is possible to have a healthy co-parenting arrangement even if there is bitterness. You are right to ask her to tell your families the truth so they know the real reason your family is breaking up. Good luck

I’m reconciled. What strikes me here is the longevity of her betrayal and your reluctance to even want to give reconciliation a go.

Experience has taught me that both parties need to be 110% in for staying to work. And even then it is HARD.

Mumsnet is not the place for infidelity support, it’s been mentioned on here but Surviving infidelity is the site for you. I’d also read ‘cheating in a nutshell’ to understand the trauma her infidelity has caused you.

I know it is painful to consider breaking up the family but you need to face all options as I’m not sure that she hasn’t pushed you way too far.

Im so sorry you’re going through this, it is absolute hell.