Cheated and lied to with kids involved

[daddy99123]

I don't really know where to start, and this isn't really my thing but I have nobody to talk to so so thought I'd try here. It's a long story (when isn't it). My wife and I have been together since 2007 where we met in sixth form and started dating, we then got married in 2014 and everything seemed to be going well, although we initially lived at my mum's for nearly four years whilst we saved for a deposit for a house. Whilst living at home wasn't all plain sailing, in 2018 we finally got our own place and things were going well between us and we thought we'd try for a baby as we had always wanted one and felt we were now ready, especially as we felt secure in our jobs, had the space and financially. We got pregnant, however suffered a miscarriage within the first 12 weeks of pregnancy, we took some time out to recover, went on a couple of holidays and seemingly came out of it stronger, or so I thought. In 2019, pre-lockdown, we went through a bit of a rough patch and separation was discussed, mainly owing to petty squabbles, however we managed to overcome this and in Nov 2020 went on to have our eldest daughter who was born during lockdown and is now 3 1/2 years old. In Sep 2022, our family grew even further with another daughter whose now 18 months old. We had always discussed having 3 children and in Dec 2023 we thought we'd start trying for another. Unfortunately 12 weeks in we went to our scan and found that the baby had Downs and over Christmas period had a decision to make all the whilst hiding the pregnancy and our predicament from family and putting on brave faces. We had provisionally booked in an appointment at clinic for termination just after m New Years Day, whilst we decided what to do, which we didn't until the day before the appointment. It was a horrible ordeal having to make the decision, however we went through with the termination and understandably so we were broken. As a man, I knew my wife would take it a lot harder due to the physical factors as well as the emotional, and prior to the termination the baby had started kicking and we also found out it was another girl, which made things all the more harder. She felt tremendous guilt and whilst I totally understood, I reassured her that it could happen to anybody although she kept questioning if we are bad people, to which I responded we weren't. Fast forward a month after this ordeal, I was at my mum's house with my wife and the kids and my eldest daughter (as much as we hate it) sometimes has screen time on her mum's phone. I decided screen time was over and took her mum's phone which is usually password protected but was unlocked. My wife was busy with my mum helping her pack for a holiday upstairs and so I randomly thought I'd just check my wife's WhatsApp. It's not something I'd normally do, and I really don't what possessed me to do it on this occasion as I fully trusted her. I recognised most of the people she was speaking to, which were family and friends, however noticed a couple of chats in the archive section. I clicked into it and found messages she had been exchanging with a colleague. The messages were explicit and some referenced that there had been some sexual activity between them including as a minimum oral sex at work in a meeting room. My jaw nearly dropped and my heart began to race. I couldn't really believe what I was reading and I took a video of the messages so that I could confront her when we got home. On the way home I was numb, I didn't know what to say or what to feel but tried to remain calm and composed. When we got home I confronted her about her colleague and I said who is that, she immediately got nervous and as I pressed her she came out with bits of what they'd been upto without disclosing the full truth, over the coming days I pressed some more and she would come out with new things each time. The trust was shattered. The level of deceit and lies unprecedented. The conclusion was that, she had first started cheating on me in November 2019 with this person, kissing, touching in the office in meeting rooms on multiple occasions, this was disrupted when COVID came along and then we had our two daughters but resumed back in September 2023 when she gave him oral sex in the office and they then had sex briefly. I didn't know what to say and of course still didn't know what to believe and what not to believe. I told her I needed time and that I felt emasculated, humiliated, angry and broken. Over the next few days I told her that if it wasn't for the sake of our kids I'd be gone but that I'd try to carry on with the marriage. It's now 2 months since I found out and whilst I've tried to act normal and we've tried to carry on, I have come to the realisation that I can't. I haven't told my friends or family out of pure embarrassment and I'm not one to showcase my vulnerabilities. She is of course begging and pleading me to give it another shot, but I just don't think I can do it anymore. I love my kids I really do and I want the best for them in life and didn't want them to have a broken family but I'm now considering divorce. The hardest thing for me has been learning that she's lied to me for the past 5 years and didn't tell me before children that she'd cheated on me, in a way trapping me, and then having sex with someone in the office, and 5 months later not disclosing it even after what we went through with the termination. All the time I was trying to be her rock and she had been deceiving me. The reason for my post is to understand if anyone has ever been through a similar level of cheating or lies and managed to salvage their relationship? I am not sure if it's worth considering couples counselling as a last bid as I don't want to let my kids down, until I simply have no option.

Yes, this. 6 years down the line, I'm always aware of it on some level, and the promises my husband made in the aftermath have not been kept. In retrospect I know he wasn't sorry it happened, just sorry he was found out, and I'll never fully trust him. However, some people do manage it. I was recommended Esther Perel's TED talk on infidelity at the time, and it helped give me an alternative story to the automatic 'leave him' response. In the long term, though, I haven't managed to get past it. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

OP
It's painful, very painful, and very fresh for you.

There's a lot to unpick here and as a PP said it takes HARD emotional work from both sides to reconstruct, but contrary to MN mantra it is possible if both of you can get committed to the process.

She needs to go no contact with him.

You both need counselling individually and together.

It takes several years

This guy has a good website about all that goes on in intimate relationships and how to build great ones.

Affair Recovery is a good YouTube resource. You need lots of validation of your hurt.

One big chunk of it is that you need to get to place where your relationship is safe place for each of you to tell each other everything. (It clearly wasn't before the affair and so it's quire a mountain to climb and will require changes in both people's behaviours.)

Counselling should help a lot with that and highlighting all the other selfish destructive stuff people often do without thinking.

Going against the tide here but personally if I were you I’d give it another shot, for the sake of keeping your young children’s lives stable, keeping your home, and not ending up in a situation which is potentially more heartbreaking for you as well your children.

I think there are also cultural aspects to consider here. I would imagine your wife has huge regrets and will have learnt from this. Also remember that you met young and maybe she felt there was greener grass and now realises what a fool she has been and what she stands to lose. She also experienced the loss of 2 babies - the infidelity appears to have started around the time of the first loss. No excuse but something to consider. Miscarriage is a traumatic experience.

I think you would be wise to start marriage counselling and use that neutral forum to communicate your feelings and figure out a way forward.

If you didn’t seem so cut up and destroyed I may have suggested leaving like everybody else, but your wife and children appear to be your world and so I believe are worth fighting for. There will hopefully be better times ahead but this will require you to take a huge leap of faith and try to forgive and forget. None of us are perfect, we are all human and sometimes our bad choices teach us what is actually important in life.

There were times where I have considered life apart from my husband but I now look back and see these were just chapters to work through, and we are much stronger now as a result.

I hope my post is food for thought. Mumsnetters are often quick to tell you to leave but don’t often think of life beyond that move and the huge impact it will have for you as well as your children. Good luck in whatever you decide…

The impact on the children will be bigger when the op's wife does it again and they are older and more aware.

@Happyinarcon You'd think not but clearly that was secondary to her secret life. I guess she thought if she leaves it in the "archive" in WhatsApp the notification won't go off as you need to go into WhatsApp to see that there's a new message in the archive and then click into the message to read it.

@rockingbird I'm really sorry you have had the misfortune to go through something similar. I have seen the person she cheated on me with and in my head question, what did he have that I don't? I would love to get it off my chest but I don't want family and friends to feel sorry for me. At the same time I want her to feel some of the humiliation that I am feeling. Her family certainly won't be impressed, and neither would mine so, I suggested she should tell everyone what she's done to me, and she said she would but I don't really know if that's going to make me feel better in reality.

Thanks @Idontknowwhattodo78 you really summed up the emotions I am feeling. Thank you to everyone on here you are a good bunch. 💕

Good advice. I am just asking - have you ever been cheated on? (asking this in the kindest way?) I for one gave a relationship another go and once the trust has gone and you're left with wondering/suspicion/is it still going on/did they love each other etc, the deception? not a healthy place for your mental health or providing a happy home.

@Susieb2023 I think the reason for my reluctance is exactly that, the longevity of the cheating and the fact that we went through some very horrible stuff together with termination and all that time I was being lied to. The fact that she wanted further children, however she had done this on the side. I will be sure to check out the site you and many others here have recommended.

@FrappuccinoLight thanks for taking the time to read my post and offering such a comprehensive insight. She has started counselling and is trying to get the root cause of why she did what she did. She suggested couples counselling but I haven't committed yet as I'm so angry. I think for the sake of my children I might give that a go as the last throw of the dice. I am thinking if in addition to this, I should make her admit what she's done to her family. This would allow her to feel some of the shame that I feel. I am going through a rollercoaster of emotions and have good days and bad days where I am optimistic and then my world is ending.

@Seaside1234 sorry to hear you've been through it too :( I will give that Ted talk a watch!

Seems a bit odd that sympathy from others is what you want to avoid, yet you seem to want her to tell people what she's done as part of staying with her? Doesn't that make you look more like a victim and a walk-over by others? That doesn't make sense.
Telling people if getting divorced is understandable, and in that case you won't look like a victim, more like someone who has understandably stood up for themselves.

Making her admit to family will maybe give you satisfaction short term, but will ultimately kill any trust that is left on both sides and breed contempt. She knows she did wrong. The fact she is already in counselling is a positive. The shared counselling may help you work through the totally understandable anger you are feeling.

Keep it private. Dont risk your children ever finding out which could then happen if this is shared outside your marriage.

As I said, this will require a huge leap of faith on your part. Don’t dwell on it, don’t throw it in her face in 5 years time in an argument, and remember you can move forward and get through this if you both ultimately want to.

It may even make you stronger.

@Opentooffers it's not the pity I am after but I feel like she is getting off very lightly and my family and her family have this image of her that she is an angel, I think they should know that that's far from the truth. I wouldn't disclose to my side of the family as I know they would never treat her the same again, whereas with her family they will always stand by her despite her misgivings. I kind of want them to know what I'm dealing with but as you say from their end I'd still be a victim, which is why I haven't made a decision as yet. It was just a thought as some others have posted.

@FrappuccinoLight I think the throwing it in her face during an argument is what bought this all out again, as I couldn't help myself. It's been 2 or 3 times since we said we'd try for the sake of the kids 2 months ago, that I have bought it up again. I try not to but when I get angry it's all I can think of, I ask myself what I'm doing here and why I'm dealing with this when I could be out of this marriage.

Couples counselling is the start. A place where you can bring it up and say what you feel and talk through the anger with a professional there to mediate.

It must be so hard and you are doing really well. Keep pushing forward in the most positive way you can.

@daddy99123 she will tell her version and minimise it to suit herself. I'm at the angry stage - why would someone blow their family apart like that. Why not have the guts to end things before embarking onto something else. You question your self worth, was I not good enough, should I have been a better wife 🤷🏼‍♀️ truth is.. he'd have still done it. The opportunity to do so was there and his self respect for his wife and kids long gone. I hope you find some peace, it's an awful feeling and one I wish on no one.

Hey OP
TBH I would end the relationship, the reality is everything that feels difficult about breaking up will settle, sure you will have a difficult few years, but leave the anger behind, settle into an amicable co-parenting relationship and life can be amazing again.
I'm also Asian, went through something similar around 5 years ago, we decided to end our marriage of 18 yrs, have two young kids.
Throughout the process I worked on letting my anger go, made sure I was always there for the kids regardless of how I was feeling, tried to be kind and amicable in all my dealings and behaviour.
I am a 50:50 co-parent to our kids, which allows me to be a proper parent when they are with me and also gives me plenty of time for myself as well.
The kids are really settled and happy, they don't see it as a stigma at all that we are divorced, we both attend all parents evening, school functions and we have joint birthday parties for them.
2 yrs ago I met an amazing woman who I absolutely adore and who adores me as well, she loves the kids and is so kind to them, I actually see what happened to me in a positive light now, as it has allowed me to meet the love of my life.
The relationship we have is so much better than the marriage that I had. It doesn't even compare.
Sometimes relationships are just broken, what you have experienced cannot be fixed, this was not a one-off drunken mistake but a long term affair throughout the most important parts of your life.
You will never trust her again, (and nor should you) and just waste precious years of your life trying to fix the unfixable.
Spend that time doing amazing things like connecting with your kids, hobbies, travelling and eventually even dating.
I feel for you, it is so so difficult.