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Original poster

How much suffering should I put up with in order to provide my children with a stable childhood?

37 replies

SunshineAndChocolate123 · 30/04/2024 12:46

I've been with my husband for 18 years and we have two children, age 8 and 10. My husband and I used to disagree over parenting styles quite a lot, but since the children have become older and their behaviour is more under control, we're generally a very calm and happy household. My kids are lovely and kind and I'm very proud of them.
However, I hate my husband. On the surface he's funny, charming, and great company. But underneath he's aggressive and controlling and full of hate. (Which only really became apparent after we had kids and seems to be getting worse.) He's not physically aggressive in any way, far from it (in fact I'm ashamed to say in some pretty heated arguments in the past I've attempted to slap him, but he's never shown the slightest retaliation). But I still feel scared when he walks around fuming and full of anger.
If it wasn't for our children I would have left him a long time ago. But I feel a duty to try and make things work for the sake of the kids. He's a good dad and they love him a lot.
I've no idea how arrangements would work if we were to split up, as he works long hours and I work very part time, but I also know he wouldn't accept me “taking” the kids away from him. So I feel like there could be a very nasty battle ahead of us if we were to split up. Plus there's the issue of housing, I'm not even sure we could afford two separate homes.
I feel so confused and alone on this. I'm brooding over it constantly and can't at all figure out what to do for the best. I don't really have any close family to help me with the decision. I've broached the subject with a couple of friends but the response seems to be ‘cant I try and make things work for the sake of the kids?’. I think because on the surface he's so jolly people find it hard to believe he could be so unpleasant. One friend suggested he try counselling for depression, which he did actually do, but it didn't help at all (from my perspective).
Any perspectives would be welcome (please be kind as I'm fragile).

OP posts:
Eyesopenwideawake · 30/04/2024 12:52

But underneath he's aggressive and controlling and full of hate

But I still feel scared when he walks around fuming and full of anger.

Talk to a solicitor, find out the facts of what you'd be entitled to and figure out how you will cope (you will cope). This is not a stable home for you and your children.

QforCucumber · 30/04/2024 12:53

How much suffering should I put up with in order to provide my children with a stable childhood?

The answer is none

rubyslippers · 30/04/2024 12:54

If he’s a shit husband he’s not a good dad
speak to womens aid
you don’t deserve to suffer at all

category12 · 30/04/2024 12:57

So - are you and he Oscar-winning actors or your kids kept in a soundproofed sealed room at home?

Because it doesn't matter what outsiders think, you and your children are living with this guy.

I doubt very much that they are oblivious to his true character.

And living with that atmosphere of anger and fear has effects on their wellbeing, self-esteem and the type of relationships they'll go on to form in the future.

pbdr · 30/04/2024 13:01

Remember that your relationship with their dad will act as a blueprint for how they will expect to behave and be treated in their own future relationships. If they see you stand up to his behaviour, call it out as unacceptable and leave the relationship then that will inform how they respond to being treated similarly. If they see you keep quiet and tiptoe around him in fear of setting him off then that will normalise to them that that is how relationships are.
This isn't just about your suffering. Your children are also living alongside your relationship and are taking it all in. Leave for their sake, if you won't leave for your own.

Begaydocrime94 · 30/04/2024 13:02

In my line of work you see what actual unstable childhoods are. Complete neglect, abuse, violence etc. Your children will be absolutely fine.
What do YOU want to do? You're a person in your own right, not just a mum. If you want to leave, do it.

Original poster
SunshineAndChocolate123 · 30/04/2024 13:04

Thank you for your response. I think the kids are fairly oblivious to our marriage problems, as there are no arguments. I don't ever argue as I know it's pointless, he's always right, end of.
But they do occasionally see his angry side, and I do worry about the effect it could have on them. But isn't that a reason to stay in the marriage, as I'd hate for them to be left alone with him like that? I'm generally able to shelter them from his moods so that they only see his nice side.

OP posts:
Reachforthestars00 · 30/04/2024 13:06

You are clearly unhappy in your marriage. If you are in no immediate danger, you can work on a longer term plan to leave. Seek individual counselling to talk through your feelings and find your strength. Visit a solicitor and get some advice on separation and divorce based on your real-life personal circumstances. Work on your financial independence - increase your working hours or find a better paid job.

AlltheFs · 30/04/2024 13:06

Your children are in an unstable environment- leaving will create the stability. There will be a big blip whilst divorce happens but longer term it will be better.

Do you want your children to have the same experience as you as adults? Because right now you are modeling to them that this is what a relationship should be and it’s what they will replicate.

Get the ball rolling, the relief will be immense.

mindutopia · 30/04/2024 13:08

The kids know, trust me. My parents actually rarely argued in front of me too. But it was no secret that everyone was miserable and my dad had a lot of seething rage and I was scared of him too. I still remember the day my mum told me they were divorcing. I was so happy and relieved. It did mean a change in lifestyle, we had to sell the big house, less money for nice things, but I was so happy to move out and life was so much easier when my mum was more relaxed and the tension was gone. I felt like we were walking on eggshells. It was very stressful.

Acornsoup · 30/04/2024 13:13

The kids might not be aware yet (they will know it's different in your house than it is in their friends) they will when they are older. Get out as soon as you can. Don't tell him. Get advice and support and start planning. Your kids deserve better but so do you Flowers

category12 · 30/04/2024 13:14

SunshineAndChocolate123 · 30/04/2024 13:04

Thank you for your response. I think the kids are fairly oblivious to our marriage problems, as there are no arguments. I don't ever argue as I know it's pointless, he's always right, end of.
But they do occasionally see his angry side, and I do worry about the effect it could have on them. But isn't that a reason to stay in the marriage, as I'd hate for them to be left alone with him like that? I'm generally able to shelter them from his moods so that they only see his nice side.

And when they're teenagers and start having more opinions of their own? How will he deal with them then?

I think people generally overestimate how well they conceal the nature of their relationships from children, and underestimate how much they pick up on. And is this the relationship you want to be modelling to your children, where Mum cannot speak up or contradict Dad because he'll kick off and is always placating him?

Personally I think having an emotionally safe home and good relationships are modelled some of the time is better than living in a home that isn't emotionally safe 100% of the time. But I understand your concerns.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/04/2024 13:21

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. Therefore your marriage is over due to his abuse of you and in turn your kids.

Women in poor relationships write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man. Just as you have done. And no he is not a good dad if he treats you as the mother of his kids like this.

Trying to protect them from his abuse while you are all living under the same roof is impossible. They know and they likely know far more than you care to realise.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. A shedload of damaging lessons currently. It’s no
legacy to be leaving them. Do you really think that such a man would be bothered with his children going forward, they would interfere with both his job and leisure time. He could well use his kids as a way of getting back at you, he if not going to somehow begins more amenable if you leave. And you should leave him, absolutely.

Watermelon197 · 30/04/2024 13:21

Solicitors cost a fortune, how do people afford to go to them, especially in the current financial climate? We can barely afford our bills and food

Divasaurus · 30/04/2024 13:27

This is immensely hypocritical of me to say as I’m in a virtually identical situation (one child rather than two but of a similar age and DH and I have been married for over a decade), however since I’m being objective - please take steps to try and leave him. Since you are able to at least tolerate him you have time to get all your ducks in a row and make the changes you need to in order to facilitate living separately. What does your financial situation look like? Could you look at finding a full time job or a part time role with more hours?

Xenoi24 · 30/04/2024 13:29

But isn't that a reason to stay in the marriage, as I'd hate for them to be left alone with him like that?

They don't have to see him if they don't want to. They'll increasingly make their own minds up about seeing him.

I'd he going to go to court to make them? Some uncomfortable stuff about his behaviour would come out then .. he's not going to do that and have his kids tell SS about poor behaviour and maybe have it gone over in family court.

Passmetheaero · 30/04/2024 13:30

I’m in an identical situation, with the added bonus of him being a serial cheat. Not really got any advice unfortunately but wish you the best.

Xenoi24 · 30/04/2024 13:31

but I also know he wouldn't accept me “taking” the kids away from him

Offer 50-50.

Anyway, if you want to separate and live separately - he doesn't get to accept it or not. it's your choice.

If you think he's actually potentially dangerous of you leave him l, you need to speak to women's aid re a plan to leave.

ringoffiire · 30/04/2024 13:31

How can a man who walks around 'fuming and full of anger' be a good dad?

SheSellsSea · 30/04/2024 13:40

I left my husband a few years ago and he’s made it as hard as possible but I don’t regret it. It was worth it.

FFSgetagripoldlady · 30/04/2024 13:48

I stayed to protect my children from seeing what their dad was like. I tried to keep the peace. It’s been 18 months since we split and it’s so much better. He’s had to parent for the first time ever. He’s calmer and much less shouty. We have a peaceful home without everyone trying to prevent a mood / silence / atmosphere.
You and your kids will feel so much lighter if you can find the strength to split. It’s hard as fuck, but I managed to do it and it feels so freeing. Good luck.

littlegrebe · 30/04/2024 13:53

He might be ok with them now but have you given any thought to how he's going to be around your kids when they become surly uncooperative teenagers in a few years?

TodaysNameIsBoring · 30/04/2024 13:54

How do you see this playing out in the long term. What happens when your kids leave home?

I think you might as well get things started now.😕

At the very least you need to start working full time otherwise you are just making yourself more vulnerable and limiting your options even more.

I'd be suprised if your husband wasn't aware that you don't like him anymore?

Pinkbonbon · 30/04/2024 14:38

QforCucumber · 30/04/2024 12:53

How much suffering should I put up with in order to provide my children with a stable childhood?

The answer is none

Yup, if you're suffering, the home is not stable.

YOU are their home.

Original poster
SunshineAndChocolate123 · 30/04/2024 14:47

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. All super helpful and given me lots to think about. It seems the unanimous response is that I should leave, which is kind of what I was expecting, but I think I was thrown by my friends' comments. I guess they're thinking back to a time when we were a happy couple and assuming we must be able to find a way back to that.

Interesting to hear from those of you who've been through similar and faced massive upheaval but still think it was worth it. And yes good point about the teens, maybe this is the calm before the storm and things could well get tricky as the kids get older.

I feel a lot of fear for the unknown, but clearly need to pluck up the courage and start taking steps to leave. I found this comment quite useful:
In my line of work you see what actual unstable childhoods are. Complete neglect, abuse, violence etc. Your children will be absolutely fine.
As I've convinced myself that leaving would be absolutely devastating for my kids but actually you're right, they'll probably be fine. I do tend to catastrophise about the future.

Have to go out now but thank you all for your perspectives.

OP posts: