How much suffering should I put up with in order to provide my children with a stable childhood?

[SunshineAndChocolate123]

I've been with my husband for 18 years and we have two children, age 8 and 10. My husband and I used to disagree over parenting styles quite a lot, but since the children have become older and their behaviour is more under control, we're generally a very calm and happy household. My kids are lovely and kind and I'm very proud of them.
However, I hate my husband. On the surface he's funny, charming, and great company. But underneath he's aggressive and controlling and full of hate. (Which only really became apparent after we had kids and seems to be getting worse.) He's not physically aggressive in any way, far from it (in fact I'm ashamed to say in some pretty heated arguments in the past I've attempted to slap him, but he's never shown the slightest retaliation). But I still feel scared when he walks around fuming and full of anger.
If it wasn't for our children I would have left him a long time ago. But I feel a duty to try and make things work for the sake of the kids. He's a good dad and they love him a lot.
I've no idea how arrangements would work if we were to split up, as he works long hours and I work very part time, but I also know he wouldn't accept me “taking” the kids away from him. So I feel like there could be a very nasty battle ahead of us if we were to split up. Plus there's the issue of housing, I'm not even sure we could afford two separate homes.
I feel so confused and alone on this. I'm brooding over it constantly and can't at all figure out what to do for the best. I don't really have any close family to help me with the decision. I've broached the subject with a couple of friends but the response seems to be ‘cant I try and make things work for the sake of the kids?’. I think because on the surface he's so jolly people find it hard to believe he could be so unpleasant. One friend suggested he try counselling for depression, which he did actually do, but it didn't help at all (from my perspective).
Any perspectives would be welcome (please be kind as I'm fragile).

Children are never oblivious. My ex used to tell me I was always harsh in my tone to him and I was convinced he was talking shit. Me? No sir, I’m kind to all around me.

We were in the kitchen one evening when he said something perfectly normal to me and the way I answered him, you’d think we were at war, apparently.

Well that evening my daughter was standing behind me and ‘called me out on it’. When I told her it wasn’t me, but her father aggravating me, she responded-‘nope, that was all you’. She wasn’t wrong either (on reflection). He’d only asked me a question, but I was so full of resentment by this point (justifiably), harsh to him had become my default setting.

Please know your children see, hear and feel tension and anxiety, so you’re not creating a stable environment.

You're teaching your kids that it's a woman's responsibility to manage a man's temper. Do you want your daughters learning that that's her role? Do you want your sons learning that it's a woman's fault if they are angry?

Start planning your life without him, whether you stay 1 more year or 10 more, you will leave. So make the most of the time you have. Maybe retrain into a career where you can make enough money to fund another home. Or go back to an old career. Start working fulltime again or planning to. Get on top of your current financial situation, what do you have and where it is. Think about where you want, or need, to live and what it will cost to do that. Then when the time comes you are ready and the bulk of the job is done.

Wow OP. In one breath you say, "we're generally a very calm and happy household." and "He's a good dad and they love him a lot."

and then in the next...

"But underneath he's aggressive and controlling and full of hate" and "I still feel scared when he walks around fuming and full of anger."

You do see that those sentences completely contradict each other don't you?!

The reason that you've had the response you've had on here is because you've been completely honest about everything. I'm assuming (like most of us) you have told your friends and family a watered down version of the truth??

Please start seriously considering leaving this man. As another poster has said, this will only get worse. Do you want to be home alone with him once the kids have gone off to uni / left home??

As others have posted, as your children get older and enter their teen years, this is going to get worse, not better.

I knew by age 9 that my parents didn't love each other. My mother never argued with my father either, she was a complete doormat and went along with whatever he wanted. She now says that that was because he'd threaten to leave if she did...and was somewhat taken aback when I said 'You should have let him'. I'm now 55 and in the last couple of years have tried to get some sort of explanation from her - the best she can come up with is that 'she'd heard bad things happen to women who left'...making it sound like she would have been forced into sex work! Absolutely ridiculous.

My mother threw my childhood under the bus because she valued her marriage more than her children (and she didn't want to stop being a stay at home mother). My father finally left her when I had just turned 21 - he waited until my younger brother turned 18. I have zero respect for her nowadays.

I wish women would stop thinking they have to stay for the kids in these kinds of relationships. Your kids are the reason you should be leaving.

My bf grew up in a similar sounding household. The amount of stonewalling/aggression he had to witness has certainly had an impact on him and his brothers.

However my mum left my abusive dad and although we are not perfect I have always been able to express my feelings, solve my problems and process life stresses in a healthy way because I watched her do it.

From the outside looking in my single mum raising 3 kids having run from an abusive relationship compared to his 4 kids and 2 parents growing up in the same house that seemed happy. I'd take my childhood 100 times over his. His parents are still together.. and miserable. He can't forgive his dad which means he hates being around him so limits time with his mum.

It might take time to take practical steps but I can tell you that your kids won't ever thank you for staying and being a martyr. If my mum said "I stayed for you" I would never forgive myself.

Yes. This. I grew up in a house like this. It’s NOT stability.

So they never see you back down or be cowed because otherwise he will be in a mood? When you should argue and stand up for yourself but you don't because you're scared of his reaction?

They never see you treading on eggshells?

Never see or hear him winding you up to the point you feel you want to hit him?

Kids see and hear everything. You're kidding yourself that they currently have a stable and loving, happy home. How can it be those things if the parents hate each other? They see his anger, and they see you backing down in the face of it every. Single. Time. Either they're going to learn to be like him, or theyre going to learn to be like you.

He's a fucking terrible dad, by the way. Why do women always bring that line out? someone who creates an atmosphere like this in their home can never be a good parent.

My parents were a lot like you and your husband.

I hold them both equally responsible for the emotionally damaging home i grew up in because my parent that was like you, would never stand up for themselves, and they simply lay down and let the other parent walk all over them - to all of our detriment.

If you split up, they might be in a bad atmosphere 50% of the time. But they're in it 100% of the time at the moment. Even the days nothing happens and you can kid yourself it's a safe happy home, they're on tenterhooks in case something kicks off. You don't even realise how much you live on the edge until you get out and you live in a safe home.

I do think there is a bit of a cultural shift in ideas about what ‘stable’ means OP. Now people tend to think it indicates emotional safety rather than having both parents/lots of money.

Almost none.

If being with your husband is suffering, you are teaching your children better life lessons and providing a more stable home by breaking up.

You mention depression. Has he tried, or would he try, antidepressants? I ask because a few of my friends have been on the verge of splitting but have seen a massive improvement after their partners have started treatment for depression.

I was where you are 10 years ago OP. Now divorced 7 years. MN actually helped me realise how bad it was.
You need to get out for your own sanity. I suggest you start doing your homework about your options post split.
Do not let him get any idea you are thinking about leaving for now as he will try and use it against you.