Anyone estranged from a parent - how do you get used to it?

[MummyDoIt]

My mother has always been a very difficult person. Martyr complex, self-obsessed, very critical. As a family, we have tolerated her behaviour for years, watching her get progressively worse. Things came to a head for me last week and I have decided to sever contact with her. I am certain I have made the right decision. My siblings support my decision (though they will still have contact with her which is fine by me), DH says I have done the right thing, all my RL friends who know the full situation agree that it is the best thing for me. So why do I feel so guilty? Why am I tempted to get on the phone and back down, even though I know it will be damaging for me, DH and my DSs? How long will it take before I get used to the idea that my mum is no longer part of my life?

Yes you do. I see my mother only twice a year and olny for two hours each so she can see her grandson. I haven't told her that we are 'estranged' as there is no point and she hasn't noticed to be honest as she is still to wrapped up in herself. I think of her as the child in the realationship, don't resent her but pity her. I think she is ill but she is also remiss in not ever facing her fears and trying to resolve them so they have just become part of who she is now.

I accept it's too late for her to change. I can only protect myself and my family from her toxic narcisism.

I do think I might feel a bit odd when she dies - but I have sort of prepared myself for that.

But I dunno how long - as soon as I accepted that she was a lost cause I never looked back really.

Part of me does feel quite liberated at having made the decision but then I'm jumping every time the phone rings in case it's her. We had a very bitter row last week and there's no way I can see her, even just once or twice a year for the DSs, unless she changes her behaviour.

Hopefully you will begin to lose the guilt when you realise how much better your life is without her in it. I "lost contact" with my father many years ago following a traumatic few years after he left my mother and finally divorced her - I was somehow cuaght up in the crossfire quite badly. I didn't make a conscious decision to end the relationship, but as time went on my life became so immeasurably happier because I was not constantly trying and failing to win his approval and was no longer being bullied by him. My relationships outside the family improved i.e. I started having "nice" boyfriends as opposed to men who treated me badly.

My father has never been in touch, he has never met my dh or my children. I think I made the right decision. My siblings still have contact btw, but for me that is not an issue of course. Stay strong

I think it's completely natural to still feel those tied emotions towards a parent (feeling guilty, wanting to back down etc). We are always our parents' children, no matter how badly they behave, and the kid part of us is conditioned to think that they know best.

Luckily it's the adult part of us that gets to make all the decisions about important life stuff. It sounds to me like you are making the right decision for you and your family; of course you will feel conflicted, but the conflict doesn't have to rule you.

Fortunately I have a good relationship with my dad (mum died years ago), but my dad has a terrible toxic father of his own. I have severed contact with this person as he's just too poisonous; my nan (his ex-wife) hates his guts; in fact, he's pretty much isolated himself from everyone who might once have cared about him, due to his consistently appalling behaviour. My dad still maintains a relationship with him, even though it is frequently hurtful and never offers him the possibility of resolution that he wants. I often wish he would make the decision to cut contact with his father as I feel he would be so much less angry and more able to move on from the various hurts he's sustained in his life, but clearly he still feels some kind of bond.

All the best, and trust your decision-making skills on this

I think a lot of my guilt is because Dad died in November last year and I feel bad about hurting my mum at a time when she's grieving and vulnerable. However, his illness and death are part of what has brought this situation to a head and Mum's toxic behaviour goes way back before Dad was even ill, let alone died. I think my decision was right, I'm just questioning my timing.

I've had no contact with my parents since December 21st last year (my birthday so remember it well). I am finding it remarkably very easy to have no contact with them. They brought nothing to my life or my DC's lives so I've lost nothing. She may well be coming to the conclusion that she's the one thats missing out by being the way she has with me but its all far too late for any bridges to be built for me. So, in answer to your question, I got used to it straight away and love it

but if it hadn't been for your father maybe you would have broken contact sooner?

i'm not in a situation like this, although my real dad had no contact with his mother for 30 years. In fact he got in touch recently and i had to tell him she died last year. He said he'd already said his goodbyes to her when she refused to acknowledge stuff that he needed to resolve.

stay strong......i'm sure if you feel the need to re-establish contact at any point in the future then you can do. Don't let your life and that of those around you be made emotionally fraught by staying in touch with her out of a sense of duty. It will be hard i'm sure, but once these feelings subside i think you will find yourself much happier with life.

i'm looking at this from another angle, my mum was bought up in a terribly 'toxic' atmosphere, it affects her to this day, she had to struggle to show us her love (she loves us deeply) she spent years and years trying to be the daughter her father wanted her to be, she would just think that she had 'got it right' and he would change the goal posts

i believe that the health problems she has can all be traced back to the neglect, emotional and physical, she suffered as a child. the situation finally came to ahead about 3 years before my gf died, my dad ordered him from the house and as a family we all decided that he was such a nasty person that that was the last contact we had.

he died a lonely, bitter old man, having reaped waht he sowed.

so fwiw, i think you are doing the right thing, you only have one life, your dcs need you and love you and you have the support of your dh. do not let your self be manipulated etc, for as long as my mum did. she is nearly 70 and still crys over it all no truly loving parent would want that for their child, would they?

"How long will it take before I get used to the idea that my mum is no longer part of my life? "
I haven't really yet. I still think about trying to resume contact with my dad. Every now and then.
If you know you have done the right thing, then take comfort from that.

Some very interesting comments here. Thanks to everyone for taking the time to respond to me.

My mum had a pretty toxic mother herself. She always said 'if I get like my mother, shoot me' and yet she has turned out to be EXACTLY the same. It makes me wonder if it's learned behaviour or if personality traits can be genetic. I'm determined to break the pattern, though, and be a better mother to my children.

You should be pleased to here that genetic heritablity is only around 50%. You can mould the rest out of what you want!

I've already broken the mould thank goodness. I KNOW I'm a far better mum to my children than my mum ever was to me. I'm not very confident in most things but my confidence as a mother is strong

It is my choice not to bother with my mother but it still annoys me that there are times when I just want my mum. A mum tbh. Haven't never really had one. I hate that she kind of has a power of me as when she dies I won't get my 5 minutes with her to make her realise what her actions have done to me and my life.

Oh, you sound really bitter 3Nab - have you had any counselling? I think its unreslved anger and bitterness that turned my mother toxic in the first place. Be careful it doens't happen to you by stealth

What do you mean?

MummyDoIt, it's interesting you say that your mum has turned out just like her mum...I sometimes discuss with my nan how many of toxic grandad's habits my dad has developed as he's got older, and how we could never tell him as he'd be so hurt. Fortunately it's only the minor stuff, but it is very weird how it happens - my dad has spent his whole life actively and consciously not behaving like his dad, for the most part very successfully. He's been a great dad to us, and yet there are some niggling things that make me want to shake him and say "careful, else you end up like X".

Recently we've been talking a bit more honestly about things (open communication is one of the areas he's not very good with, but he's been making more of an effort since my brother died) and it's so sad to see the pervasive influence my evil grandad has had on his life.

Just don;t let your bitterness eat you up

Toxic parents aren't toxic cos they want to be, but cos they are damaged people who can't or won;t get the help to make them better parents and people. It's a viscious circle, as MummyDoIt illustrated.

I agree I am probably bitter about what happened to me as a child but I don't think that bitterness is out there.

My mother had a crap childhood but she made several choices and none of them were about me coming first. She may not have the brain power to do the right thing but in my opinion we all have choices and she made hers.

Yes, my mother fucked up in the choices department too. I was going the same way before discovering the miracle of SSRI's

Oh yes, on AD's here too.

Franke I know what you mean - I decided not to have anything to do with my father after a bitter divorce between him and mum and he somehow made it my fault (that he'd had an affair/lead mum on re him coming back/caused her a mental breakdown) and it culminated in him sending a christmas present back to me (trying to be the bigger person and mend fences for the sake of my mum) unopened. I bowed to pressure (again from mum) to invite him to my wedding, at which he got tipsy and said some (more) things, and since then I've not seen him or heard from him.(16 years) He has never seen my dc, nor will he. I may well be 'bitter and angry' (like NAB) but i get on with my life without worrying about it.

Yeah, it's a shame that I didn't have a good childhood but I really don't want to waste any more of my life worrying about something I can't change.

Why the re the ad's Nab? I think they're fooking great. Have been off them for two months actually (but was on them then for a different reason) and don't miss them really. I'd be back on them like a shot though if thought I needed them - for DS's sake!

Just because I feel sad I have to have them.