Anyone estranged from a parent - how do you get used to it?

[MummyDoIt]

My mother has always been a very difficult person. Martyr complex, self-obsessed, very critical. As a family, we have tolerated her behaviour for years, watching her get progressively worse. Things came to a head for me last week and I have decided to sever contact with her. I am certain I have made the right decision. My siblings support my decision (though they will still have contact with her which is fine by me), DH says I have done the right thing, all my RL friends who know the full situation agree that it is the best thing for me. So why do I feel so guilty? Why am I tempted to get on the phone and back down, even though I know it will be damaging for me, DH and my DSs? How long will it take before I get used to the idea that my mum is no longer part of my life?

Oh you shouldn't really! We are soooo lucky that they are available. I have been able to live a normal happy life because of them and get myself sorted out for life without them. I would never have achieved anything without them. I was a very insecure and bitter person - all the ingredients to become a toxic parent myself - and I wasted a lot of my time in my 20s just feeling sorry for myself and blaming others for my inadequacies. I hope you can come to terms with things Nab, and let the past go, I really do.

It's like I said on the 'stately home' thread about toxic parents, this doesn't need to be a life sentence. I hate the term 'adult child' as it seems to suggest a degree of helplessness, when that is the last thing you need to believe if you are to start getting past these things.

Write down how you feel about the situation.
What she did/said to make you cut contact.
What you want to happen before you will resume contact with her again (and on what terms).
Keep it in an envelope for your eye's only and when you have doubts, read through it to remind yourself how she made you feel and what impact it had on you and your family.
I have that kind of letter.

If he/she is NOT the sort of person you would want in your life, regardless of blood ties, then cut her out. You would do if she wasn't related. Why not otherwise?

I trid to cut off my mother years ago, but made the mistake of letting my DC's still have contact with her, until I realised that she was only interested in DD1 and not DD1 (as she was too young to be indoctrinated against me). However, that link made it difficult to get rid totally and so after a couple of years we fell back into the same routine. It took another 13 years before I was finally able to make a total break.

I finally cut off my mother and three siblings (2 sisters/1 brother) almost seven years ago and it's the best thing I have ever done. I don't think seeing them once or twice a year works - if the situation is that bad - then a total cut-off is probably the only way forward.

Only you can decide if it is the best thing for you - not your friends of siblings, It seems to me that if you feel this guilt or need to contact her, then there is still some sort of relationship there, that you obviously do not want to lose.

I also don't believe that our parents are always our parents no matter what they do - my 'mother' has never, ever been a mother and someone once suggested to me that I step back and consider whether I would have anything to do with her if we weren't related (and on what level). It took some time, but I realised that I wouldn't even acknowledge her on the street if I had a choice. I let that woman make my life absolute hell for 38 years before I finally got rid and the only way it worked was for a complete cut off.

that should say and not DD2

I doubt I will ever stop wishihng I had a mum but right now I would want to make he see what her choices have done to me. I doubt it would achieve anything though.

I think your instincts are probably correct. Personally, I'd hate for my mother to suddenly have an epiphany as I think she's probably kill herself. I really wouldn';t want that kind of legacy hanging over the family - or the guilt.

Unless someone is a true psychopath and doesn't care what they've done (and so will admit it without any coertion) they create all kinds of barriers and false memories to protect themselves from the monumental stupidity of their lives. I can see the logic in that, but they don't do it conscioulsy. It's just natural for people to think of themselves as decent people even when they have behaved terribly - even paedos do it.

I have given up wanting to be mothered and am much healthier for it. I used to think it was terriblty unfair especially as my dad had died when I was 2. But it is all history now and I am glad of it.

I haven't spoken to my father in nearly 5 years now, he has never seen my DD's and was told (via a sibling) in no uncertain terms not to come to my wedding. 2 of my siblings still see him a lot, one fo them has him over for special oocasions and meals etc. but he is divorced from my mum so she doesn't see him, nor do my other siblings.
I know I have done the right thing, and the timing was never going to be right, I just decided one day not to take his calls and that was it, DH answered the phone for a few weeks or I screened and he was told I didn't want to talk to him.
A couple of times I have been close to going to see him/calling him but each time I have decided not to.

It is hard, every so often, mostly when I see DD's with FIL, I get a bit misty eyed and wonder what I am going to tell them about their Grandfather and then I think about what it would mean to let him into their lives and the damage it could cause and I stop thinking about it.

It's so sad really. All these people who have totally fucked up their lives.

Message withdrawn

My mother cut off all ties with me about two years ago. She has paranoid schizophrenia and made something up I was supposed to have done. She won't do anything about her illness, and simply cuts off from friends / family who challenge her.

She gets incredibly angry if anyone ever disagrees with her. I would have cut off ties with her years ago if it weren't for my poor father, who has to live with it all.

It took a few months but now I feel so relieved that I don't have that toxic presence in my life. But I am sad that she is missing out on DS and that my father - who still maintains contact with us - has to creep around and pretend that he never sees us, so as not to face her wrath.

I am more used to it now. But whenever something happens to me (like when I had the ectopic), I can't get out of the habit of wanting her to come running and be my mother again.

Interesting that so many of you (like me) worry about passing on that behaviour to your own children. I have an incredibly supportive DH to keep me sane, but am always aware of the possibility.

What really bugs me is when people say things like 'how could you not talk to your own mother?' and 'they brought you up'. There is such a taboo surrounding cutting contact with your parents. I just feel no child does this for NO reason, just to be nasty. I really want to cut contact with my folks sometimes just don't have the guts

A friend of my mothers once actually came to our old house specifically to say my mother was very upset at me cutting her off and to ask how on earth I could have nothing to do with my own mother as we were so close . Apparently my 'mother had always given the impression that we were very close.

I pointed out that this 'mother' was the woman who had made it quite clear to me from begin about 7 years old that she hated me, never wanted me and with her hands around my throat told me that she would get rid of me in a minute if she didn't think people might ask where I was. The same woman who 'sold' me to my perverted step-father and his friend for an extra £10 per week on her housekeeping money and the same woman who made numerous passes at my husband.

You should have seen the expression on her friends face - it was brilliant.

Rose - when people say that they are thinking of the usual 'mother/father' figure, the caring, loving, do-anything-for you figure that a mother/father is supposed to be. but that isn't always the reality - some mothers and fathers do terrible things, and not only mentally, to their own offspring.

I agree with captainmummy - but some people still give the response "no matter what they do, they'll always be your parents"

I am so grateful to everyone on this thread for taking the time to tell their stories. I really felt like I was a truly awful person to make this decision but you have all reassured me that I'm not alone and that, sometimes, it is the best thing to do. I do feel desperately sorry for my mother. She had a bad childhood and made some really bad life choices but she cannot put the past behind her. She always said that our family could only truly be happy when her mother died but she doesn't realise that she is now the one causing the hurt. I can already see some of her behaviour in one of my sisters and, more worryingly, I can see the potential for it in myself. Hopefully, by being aware of it, I can steer myself away and stop myself becoming the person that she is.

DP's mum came very close to being a toxic parent - he had a toxic dad - paranoid schizophrenic, alcholic. He disappeared from their lives, jusr disappeared and his mum started to drink then and became alcholic herself. But in a startling image that DP counjured when telling me, he said that she reached up and pulled herself of of that pit by her own hair - that he's never seen anyone make such a gargatuan effort to put things right.

She sometimes cries herself to sleep at night with the guilt. She also gets upset when I talk about my mother as a lost cause as I think she feels that she almost became that and it scared the crap out of her.

But she is very very dearly loved by her kids now.

Well i havent spoken to my mother for 13yrs now, and although i have given her 2/3 chances to change and have some contact with her grandchildren she has thrown them all back in my face. It cant be just me, i mean she has 5 sisters and 4 of them dont want to know her either!
She is a spoilt, vicious, controlling, nasty woman and has never shown me any love whatsoever! She was also a very violent woman as i was growing up, she used to hit my dad and i would always be getting hit around the head and once she hit my head of several cupboards in the kitchen!
She threw me out when i was 18, all because she didnt approve of my boyfriend, he was using me and it would never last, so she claimed, well we are still here and still together after 14yrs together and we now have 4 beautiful children. The best thing she ever did was throw me out, my has never been better! She has said some nasty things about my kids and has called NSPCC, on me several times out of spite!! because i am doing a much better job than she did with me, unfortunately her plan backfires because i have an extremely supportive hv and she has backed me up and put social services straight, in that my kids are loved, cared for, healthy, clean, and happy! I think i am fully right to not want any contact with this woman and what took a while to get used to was that at christmas because i had 6sisters and 1brother, thats when it felt strange because id usually have lots of kids around me all excited. But i didnt miss my mum at all, no one to shout at me and use me as an unpaid babysitter! All in all, i enjoyed my life a lot more being away from her and enjoyed the child free years that we had!

monkeytrousers I think my mother is very immature. She threatened suicide if I didn't invite her to my wedding, she found out I had kids and was pg 3 years ago and reckons to have seen a solicitor about getting access to my kids and she has sent various vicious letters via my inlaws. Last year my husband and I sent a strongly worded letter telling her we didn't want her in our lives and to leave us alone. I haven't heard anything since but tbh I don't trust my MIL so who knows what has been going on.

3NAB this sounds like my mother, she has threatened me with all sorts..she doesnt worry me anymore shes just pathetic and is going to end up a lonely old woman!

Some parents dont deserve their children and dont deserve to have the title of a mother or a father, this is true of my mother!
She has not behaved like a mother and has always blamed me for ruining her life as she had me too young..How is that my fault?
My life and that of my children are far better without her and her vicious tongue! And i have never looked back since she threw my stuff out at 18, i am now 31 and at least i have learnt from my mother how not to treat your kids, hence i am much more easy going, approachable, and give and show my kids lots of love which i never got.

I haven't lived with my mother since I was about 18 months old and haven't seen her for 15 years. She got pg on purpose to trap my dad, refused at the last minute to allow me to be adopted as she thought my father would pay maintenance and is a very mixed up pathetic woman. But she is my mum.

Bummer. Delete that last sentence. It is pathetic.

Read this

Was recommended on other threads on MN and I bought it and it is very good (for a self-help book ).

I haven't read it as it's not something I think I need thankfully, but I have bought it for my older sister