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Original poster

My girlfriend is taking to her ex hiding it behind my back..

37 replies

ELRainbow · 30/04/2024 02:38

So I will say I did go through my girlfriends phone because I had a gut feeling. Sure it's not great to do that but it shouldn't be a problem if you haven't got nothing to hide. I just needed reassurance that my gut wasn't right and well... I came across the unexpected which shock me to my core as my girlfriend of over 6 years... has been texting her ex.. hiding it, deleting it, archiving it so you don't get notifications and hasn't told me ever she's in contact with him but instead that she hates him and never wants to see him again... ???

What makes this worse. We're in a same sex relationship... this guy turned her gay... she says anyway.. she hated having sex with him and even says it was like r4pe because she didn't want to..? Yet she's texting him??? And idk how long for...

What should I do

OP posts:
DrJoanAllenby · 30/04/2024 02:52

Split up.

Original poster
ELRainbow · 30/04/2024 02:54

DrJoanAllenby · 30/04/2024 02:52

Split up.

Hi... I understand why you're saying this but like... you think there is any valid reason why she be doing this?

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 30/04/2024 03:01

No reason should be good enough. I've met some crap men in my time, but turning gay because of one - nope, thats daft. Probably more bisexual than gay.
Any DC's shared between them? How long were they together, and what was the gap to you? She's not over him, its that simple, even if he was a shit.

Original poster
ELRainbow · 30/04/2024 03:03

Opentooffers · 30/04/2024 03:01

No reason should be good enough. I've met some crap men in my time, but turning gay because of one - nope, thats daft. Probably more bisexual than gay.
Any DC's shared between them? How long were they together, and what was the gap to you? She's not over him, its that simple, even if he was a shit.

Hello,

What's DCS?

Not sure how long they were together but apparently they were forced together because of "church" I know she was young during it

OP posts:
DrJoanAllenby · 30/04/2024 03:26

'Hi... I understand why you're saying this but like... you think there is any valid reason why she be doing this?'

Because she's a liar and a cheat who likes to play games and mess with peoples affections.

Original poster
ELRainbow · 30/04/2024 03:31

DrJoanAllenby · 30/04/2024 03:26

'Hi... I understand why you're saying this but like... you think there is any valid reason why she be doing this?'

Because she's a liar and a cheat who likes to play games and mess with peoples affections.

I wouldn't say it's cheating? Idk I'm just confused I don't get it

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 30/04/2024 03:32

Not sure how long they were together but apparently they were forced together because of "church" I know she was young during it

Well that sounds wildly worrying.

I'd be plain, "I had a bad feeling, I snooped, I saw, what's going on?"

Original poster
ELRainbow · 30/04/2024 03:33

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/04/2024 03:32

Not sure how long they were together but apparently they were forced together because of "church" I know she was young during it

Well that sounds wildly worrying.

I'd be plain, "I had a bad feeling, I snooped, I saw, what's going on?"

It is all so strange. I've been with my partner for over 6 years and she hates talking about her past relationship... wheneber she has she just says how she was unhappy and hated him..

OP posts:
Domino20 · 30/04/2024 03:50

Are the messages sexual?

Inspireme2 · 30/04/2024 03:55

Ask?
They have history, which not everyone has to hate on an ex nor avoid them once it is over.
Hiding it from you is because of the fact you had to snoop?
Perhaps she misses some of that person or connection or values something their.
I'm sure just because you turn gay doesn't solve all your relationship problems or happiness.

Deludamol · 30/04/2024 04:11

This is why you don't look through someone's private messages. No good can come of it. Either you won't find anything and the trust is gone. Or you find something you didn't want to see and the trust is gone.

I think you should break up. The relationship clearly wasn't worth much to you if you wanted to snoop and now you've found something you won't be able to forget. You either mention it and she sees you as untrustworthy or you don't mention it and the relationship is tainted by this knowledge.

I don't envy you.

Original poster
ELRainbow · 30/04/2024 09:39

Domino20 · 30/04/2024 03:50

Are the messages sexual?

No but it's more on the fact why activatlt hide texts from your ex and also can tell past chats have been deleted

OP posts:
Original poster
ELRainbow · 30/04/2024 09:41

Deludamol · 30/04/2024 04:11

This is why you don't look through someone's private messages. No good can come of it. Either you won't find anything and the trust is gone. Or you find something you didn't want to see and the trust is gone.

I think you should break up. The relationship clearly wasn't worth much to you if you wanted to snoop and now you've found something you won't be able to forget. You either mention it and she sees you as untrustworthy or you don't mention it and the relationship is tainted by this knowledge.

I don't envy you.

I think it's super healthy to look at partners phones if you need reassurance esp if I'm the past stuff has happened with your exs. She's aware of this

OP posts:
Deludamol · 30/04/2024 11:44

ELRainbow · 30/04/2024 09:41

I think it's super healthy to look at partners phones if you need reassurance esp if I'm the past stuff has happened with your exs. She's aware of this

Show quote history

That sounds dysfunctional to me.

Being free with each other's technology is one thing. Conducting investigations into their private phone conversations is quite different.

I'm not sure what you're getting out of this relationship if suspicion features in it so heavily.

DoreenonTill8 · 30/04/2024 11:48

ELRainbow · 30/04/2024 09:41

I think it's super healthy to look at partners phones if you need reassurance esp if I'm the past stuff has happened with your exs. She's aware of this

Show quote history

It's absolutely not, are you controlling in other ways?

Crowgirl · 30/04/2024 13:34

It sounds like she's hiding something innocent because you're controlling.

You should break up and work on yourself.

Sparklfairy · 30/04/2024 13:38

ELRainbow · 30/04/2024 09:41

I think it's super healthy to look at partners phones if you need reassurance esp if I'm the past stuff has happened with your exs. She's aware of this

Show quote history

No. She's not responsible for your baggage. Your baggage. Your own issues and past don't give you the automatic right to invade her privacy.

I'm willing to bet that's why she is archiving chats etc, because you're controlling.

it shouldn't be a problem if you haven't got nothing to hide FML. I think you mean, 'It wouldn't be a problem if you sorted out your paranoia and trust issues'

Bettedaviseyes111 · 30/04/2024 13:47

I think if she had been open and honest about messaging them it would have been okay.

Theres no place for dishonesty in a relationship imo, if you’re hiding things it’s either because you know what you are doing is wrong or because you don’t have enough trust in the person you are with / relationship to be open, which in turn creates these issues.

DoreenonTill8 · 30/04/2024 13:50

Or they are scared because their partner is controlling and abusive?

Bettedaviseyes111 · 30/04/2024 13:57

@DoreenonTill8 sorry I had missed the part where OP said they think it’s okay to go through the phone, which again doesn’t suggest a healthy relationship.

That being said if I were in a relationship and my partner looked through my phone there would be zero content on there that would create any issues.

Either way, the dynamic doesn’t sound good.

DixonD · 30/04/2024 14:35

Sure it's not great to do that but it shouldn't be a problem if you haven't got nothing to hide.

Are you kidding? Of course it’s a problem whether you have anything to hide or not. You shouldn’t be going through someone else’s phone.

DixonD · 30/04/2024 14:36

And no one “turns” anyone gay.

DixonD · 30/04/2024 14:38

ELRainbow · 30/04/2024 09:41

I think it's super healthy to look at partners phones if you need reassurance esp if I'm the past stuff has happened with your exs. She's aware of this

Show quote history

It’s really not. You have issues.

SunflowerTed · 30/04/2024 14:51

ELRainbow · 30/04/2024 09:41

I think it's super healthy to look at partners phones if you need reassurance esp if I'm the past stuff has happened with your exs. She's aware of this

Show quote history

The fact you think its 'super' healthy to look at partners phone is 'super'unhealthy to me

Original poster
ELRainbow · 30/04/2024 15:17

DixonD · 30/04/2024 14:35

Sure it's not great to do that but it shouldn't be a problem if you haven't got nothing to hide.

Are you kidding? Of course it’s a problem whether you have anything to hide or not. You shouldn’t be going through someone else’s phone.

It's funny to me how you're so focused on the fact I went through a phone when everyone does it lol

OP posts: