Is this emotional/mental abuse ?

[Elz80]

Hi I’m after some advice on my relationship I’ve been in for 2 years now. My partner shuts me down if I try and talk to him about anything that I’m not happy about or if we argue he threatens to pack his stuff everytime and leave. I feel like I can’t say or talk to him about my feelings. He keeps saying he doesn’t know what he wants then the next day acts as if nothing happened. I’m walking on eggshells constantly and feel anxious around him and with my children. He is always depressed moans about anything and is so jealous of people. I feel like I’m mentally being abused and don’t know day to day what mood he will be in. I just need help to work out if this is some kind of abuse. There’s so much more to it but hard to explain it all

Yes, it is. It's two years too many - get out now.

I wouldn't tolerate any behaviour like that. I would leave, you can find better

Thankyou for you reply. I’m so confused he was never like this in the beginning it started about a year ago. Sometimes he shows me all the love says sorry and how he wants a future. I’m constantly googling signs of abuse and reading it’s controlling behaviour and I’m always begging him to not go

He pretended to be what you wanted him to be in the beginning. Now he's showing you who he really is. Do you want to live like this for five, ten years?

Do the Freedom programme - it will help you recognise the signs. But for now, be strong and the next time he packs his bags change the locks and breathe a HUGE sigh of relief.

I’m always begging him to not go

Why, when he's such a dick?

You could be in a relationship which feels content all the time. You deserve more.

Yes, he's using the threat of leaving to shut you down and control you.

In a healthy relationship, you can discuss issues or argue without the other person using the nuclear option.

I presume the children aren't his? In which case, for their sake as much as your own, you should get shot of the guy.

This sounds very similar to an abusive relationship I had. Read 'Why does he do that?' by Lundy Bancroft, it changed my life. You don't need to read it all, or even in the order it's written. I heard you can download a free pdf of it - as in author approved.

No they aren’t his children. Just feel like one week hes the most loving person then the next he is down depressed and changes my mood. He actually doesn’t drink anymore because he is vile when he does . I’ve just started to feel the past few weeks that this is actually some kind of abuse. My last relationships have been similar so I find it hard to know what is normal
thanks everyone

My last relationships have been similar so I find it hard to know what is normal

Oh, lovie. That's not good. As PP have said read the Lundy Bancroft book, do the Freedom programme - actually, I said that 😬- and value yourself above being in a relationship just because it's better than being alone. It really isn't.

Thankyou have just found the book will have a read and look at the programme to I’m glad I found this forum

I think any relationship where disagreements result in threats to leave, or cheat etc are unhealthy and unsettling.

Something is off with the dynamic and you’d be better off binning it off, even if it’s hurts.

You could also Google the "cycle of abuse" and see if you feel that fits what you are experiencing.

My last relationships have been similar so I find it hard to know what is normal

What if you start judging your relationships by how you feel when you're in them, rather than whether your partner's behaviour is ok or not?

What would be wrong with that? Can you tell us what might happen if you did that, or where you think it might go wrong?

I guess looking at it like that I constantly feel sick have headaches tired worries anxious I’m up and down when he’s depressed I feel rubbish I just wait on each day to see what it is like and to be honest dread it! I don’t plan anything anymore I do things without him I no longer look forward to spending time with him

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?

Your boundaries, already skewed by previous abuse, are being further eroded by this abusive man. Be on your own and do not enter into another relationship until
your boundaries are higher and you have healed. It can take a long time, years even, to recover from abuse.

I would urge you to contact Womens Aid and with their help plan your exit from this abusive relationship with due care. Your children will also thank you for getting rid of this man. You really do deserve a life free from abuse as do they.

Abusive men often cite depression as an
excuse for their abusive behaviour. He’s not depressed, he’s abusive and his actions here are deliberate. He targeted you and deliberately so to abuse.

The nice/nasty cycle of abuse he is showing you is a continuous one.

giving you spaghetti head is per for the course in an abusive relationship.

What is your housing situation - is it your home and he moved in, or did you move in with him, or did you find a new home to move into together?

Next time he threatens to pack his bags and leave, take him up on his offer.

It’s my home he moved in with me so he would go. My family and children all adore him they’ve no idea of what he is like when he’s just with me

I think you are right if I start saying how I feel he goes silent then starts on about his depression and then goes quiet like to punish me or says I’m leaving or going out he literally will not talk about anything. Then the next day acts all normal and asking if I’m ok and he’s sorry . I just feel like I’m not me anymore just don’t know what to talk to him about anymore .

I think if he says he’s packing his bags and I said go on then he would just leave . I always panic when he does either I don’t want him to do of fear of being alone again or in a way I want to be the one to say go and throw his bags out the door and change the locks I’m just not strong enough to do it. He asks me every day am I ok I say yes in fear of if I say no he will start again

Isn't being on your own better than feeling like this: constantly feel sick have headaches tired worries anxious I’m up and down when he’s depressed I feel rubbish I just wait on each day to see what it is like and to be honest dread it! I don’t plan anything anymore I do things without him I no longer look forward to spending time with him ?

What's so much worse about just concentrating on yourself and your kids, and having a peaceful home without some shitty bloke dominating your life?

This was me for 15 years and I guarantee you'll have a new appreciation for the peace that being on your own brings for a while!

And this will never get better op, this is who he is. Don't subject your kids to it, it's damaging...take it from me!

And, rather than thinking about what's 'normal', is this the life you want to lead?