When you’ve suffered abuse will you ever be able to forget it, will I always have negative feelings forever?

[Makeitstop9]

I wish I could turn off my feelings now. I’ve done a lot of research and understand why and how and what etc but I can’t stop living despite it. Im fed up of comparing my life or getting jealous of people who haven’t had to experience it. I know I can’t change it, I know I’d really rather have not had to have experienced it but I also know it’s over now. But my thoughts won’t leave it alone. I know it wasn’t my fault. I know I grew up to think my feelings weren’t important and I know they are now. But I wish they’d (my feelings) would just shut up now so I can enjoy my life.

I have this negative view of myself that I can’t seem to shift.

How can you stop yourself from thinking about it and having negative feelings about it. Will I think like this forever?

I am sorry you have, and are still, suffering.

Talking through your feelings with a Therapist and perhaps focusing on how you view yourself as a way of working on your self confidence, self esteem might help. I think those feelings can remain, especially when we reflect on the past…almost like we are experiencing everything all over again. However, trusting the process with a Therapist could be really beneficial I believe.

Will I think like this forever?

No, you don't have to. You can never forget your life experiences but you can remove the emotional connection so that you can leave them where they belong, in the past.

In this case the analogy of the field might help.

Imagine your past being like a field you want to reach the other side of; a field which is overgrown with past experiences. Some are beautiful flowers but others are ugly weeds, or discarded junk, all the stuff that you wish weren’t there. It's natural to think that moving on involves tidying, clearing and pruning everything that grows here, but even thinking about task that leaves you feeling defeated and stuck.

The reality is that you are never going to visit this field again, so you don’t need to tend to any of these plants or worry about the rubbish; it's not part of your future. Once you close the gate and move into a new field, full of possibilities, this one is the past and you are never going to be spending any time here. It's done.

@Eyesopenwideawake I keep saying to myself to just shut the door on it but it has a habit of coming out. Eg someone will be getting married or getting something nice and I’ve this ugly voice that instead of being happy wants them to be unhappy so they dragged into the dark part of me. If that makes sense. Why do I want that it’s horrible and makes med feel horrible.

Have you had therapy? It sounds to me like you are making progress in that you have intellectualised much of what has happened to you. That is good and a first step - accepting and acknowledging it and also understanding it wasn't your fault etc.

But now you have to reach that emotional acceptance too. In part, that might just come with time, but I would be inclined to suggest that therapy would be helpful.

I don't think that dealing with the fall out of these things is ever easy and it's actually perfectly normal to find yourself going backwards and forwards over the issue. The goal is to get to the point where it doesn't dominate your life/thoughts/emotions.

No, you can absolutely come to terms with it. As pps have said, you need to find a good therapist and work very hard in session and outside of them.

I am not sure how helpful this is because I'm fully aware that I haven't experienced any significant level of abuse and I am sure my experiences are less hardcore than yours. But, like everyone, I've had my challenges. I find that in these moments, it's helpful to remind myself of what I DO have, what I HAVE overcome.

So, for example, my career was hugely derailed a long time ago and went off in an entirely different direction. Sometimes, I'll look at where I could be - especially if I meet up with someone from those days or whatever - and I can find it really difficult. But then I remind myself of all the positives that have happened to me and the progress I've made as a person. And it really does help. It's not about putting other people down, but more about (internally, and privately) celebrating MY achievements.

@MsMarch I don’t rate anything I’ve done. All I’ve done is try and navigate myself through the mess I’ve always been in.

Quite honestly no I think it doesn’t ever go away completely, but you can learn strategies to cope with the feelings and be able to come to terms with it. I would say though it’s no point being jealous of those who haven’t, as you don’t actually know what others have been through or are going through. I suffered abuse as a child, but most people in my life now would have no idea.

I know NOTHING about you besides what's on this thread. Here's what I already know you have achieved:

1 You have taken the time and effort to learn what happened to you and why. This might not seem like a big deal, but the reason so many people continue in abusive relationships as the work to do this - look it in the eye and really SEE it and acknowlege it, is astonishingly hard.

2 You have accepted (intellectually) that you can't change it. You are not ranting and riling about what happened to you but have accepted it as part of your past that is over now. Again, this is HUGE. Just spend a few days on MN alone and you'll see thread after thread from people who haven't got anywhere near where you have.

3 You have completely shifted your mindset and now believe your feelings are valid and important. Wow. That's huge progress.

4 You understand that the way you view other people or their positive experieces is harmful and are actively looking for ways to change this.

These are just the things I know about you. I bet there are loads more. Practical things like the work you did to get out of whatever happened to you. Sacrifices you have made to protect yourself or others. The skills you have most likely taught yourself. What in your life is better now than when you were in it? It could be anything from learnign to cook to feeling free to read whatever you like. It could be health or work. A friendship you have been able to nurture. I bet there are loads of things that, when you were in the situation, would have been impossible.

"All I've done is navigate myself through the mess" - THAT is huge. Many people never manage it.

OK, so your conscious, rational mind knows what you want and need to do but there's a part (or parts) of your subconscious mind that won't let go. Your subconscious is in control of your memories, your emotions, your imagination and your automatic thoughts and actions. It could be that it still believes the negative things you were told about yourself by someone who wanted to hurt you, or that you don't deserve happiness because of something you did or didn't do in the past. Either way it IS possible to change your thought patterns.

@MsMarch I suppose these things just don’t feel like achievement’s most people would see as worth anything and are self inflicted. This is the constant voice I have in my head. Nobody in my life really knows and nobody has ever mentioned anything, they are totally invisible achievements. Plus I’ve become unwell from living under chronic stress. I wish I had a Time Machine. I also wish people in my life could actually see me.

I don’t want to live in this sick restricted body anymore with a mind that isn’t nice about people. People haven’t exactly been nice to me so I’ve become quite hateful I think.

In time I've grown to think of things differently.

It's given me the opportunity to develop myself far more than I ever would have if my life had just been happy.

And in sharing what I've learned from my own experiences, I've hopefully helped others find strength, saftey and peace.

Not to sound like a masochist but, there's something freeing in knowing that you've been through all this fucking shit, and survived. Like, fuck those people. They haven't won.

Right now, it sounds like you might have a bit of depression. Try to get plenty of sun, fresh air, exercise and try to eat and sleep well. Taking up a new hobby that keeps your brain focusssed might help too. And there's no harm talking to your gp. Or, consider talking to a councilor?

It takes time to process things. And yes, there will always be times where you find yourself just...feeling so sad/angry about it all. But they will grow further and further between with time. Until they are rare.

Well, I am one of those people out there, and I think these are achievements.

I also highly second suggestions that you seek therapy to process this properly. You have made progress, now it's timeto make the next step.

@Pinkbonbon Im forever chained to it with my health. I’ve developed autoimmune conditions and it’s making me feel down. I got these conditions from being abused. Every-time I’m in pain or fatigued or can’t go out and lay on the sofa feeling so unwell I know why. Everyone has always said I never deserved to be abused and I get that but I still have to suffer every day.

I feel sorry for myself. I genuinely want to feel happy but I’m just feeling unwell with my body.

This is really difficult. Personally, I don't think we ever fully recover from serious abuse. However we can learn to live with it. It becomes a part of us. Like a scar.

I am not sure where your most logical starting point would be to get help, but it does sound like you need help.

Perhaps your GP.

Can you afford private counselling? In which case you might want to start looking for a suitably qualified therapist who specialises in past trauma of the kind that you experienced.

The healing process is a very long road, but it can be transformative.

You are a worthwhile person, and you did not deserve what happened to you. It was not your fault.

I send you my very best wishes.

PS: I also have a serious auto-immune condition which I know is related to the abuse I experienced. So you have my sympathies. I now prioritise my mental health above everything.

Yeah I've heard about the link between abuse and autoimmune disease development. I'm sorry that this has happened to you op.

Might it be worthwhile going on some sort of spiritual journey? If you're well enough.
A pilgrimage of some sort.

I know it won't help with the physical pain but, I saw this programme once where this guy was talking about how he briefly died and, had a realisation that he was not 'john', nor was he his body, that it was funny to him that he'd ever even thought that. That this (his body and name and life) were just, WHERE he was inhabiting right now.

I think about that a lot now.

How we aren't our bodies, we aren't our names, we aren't even the tings that happen to us. We're just, I dunno, little balls of energy or something. Souls? Convincing ourselves that this...habitat is who we are.

So, if that tracks then... it's just the bodywork thats damaged. Some scuffs on the paint. But what fundamentally makes you you, they can't ever take that away from you.

Physically you need to focus on maintenance. To help keep things as manageable as possible for you. But you need to find a way to heal yourself emotionally too. Being able to think of your body as simply a vessel...like a car, to get you from a to b... maybe that'll help detach you from the feeling that these bad people took 'you' away from you.

And I could be wrong but- I suspect some sun would be good for both body and soul, if its possible.

I had a neglected childhood and a long abusive marriage.

Im nearly at the end of an 2 year divorce during which the manipulation and bullying by him went into overdrive.

I seem to spend a lot of time revisiting all the things he has done to me over the years and dwelling on them. I know I have allowed myself to revel in being the ‘victim.’

I worry that once I am completely free of him I will self sabotage my promising future by not letting go of these feelings. Like you I know I need to close the door and leave it all behind. As we get nearer to the divorce I do find it is becoming less intense.

Is there going to be a future point in your life where things will be more resolved - do you think this will help you?

@Eyesopenwideawake I like the analogy of crossing a field full of weeds and leaving it behind to get to the next field.

I have recently been reading about Locus of Control. Some people feel that Life happens to them, others that they are the ones who can control things. My ex was the latter and he took control of my life as well so I became the former. I am obviously going to try and become someone who controls my own future, and everytime I make a decision now (when I wasn’t allowed to before), feels like a win to me. This is something particular to me and I feel it’s important to encourage and embrace this. Like exercising a weak muscle.

Is there any behaviour you could start making like this that makes you feel you are making steps in the right direction?

The thing you mention about wishing others to feel as bad as you have experienced I think is a separate thing. My mother was like this, and I learned to be the same. When I was much younger I had a sort of epiphany and have now learned to always wish the very best for others. Even when it’s somebody I don’t particularly like, I say the right thing. And now I genuinely wish that no body ever has to experience the shit I did.

I have also reframed some of my thinking to see that I now have the experience to offer heartfelt and supportive understanding to others in similar circumstances. I can offer something that many people can’t.

My only advice for you is to seek therapy and or read ‘self-help’ online /books as widely as you can. Sometimes you can come across an idea or thought that really resonates and helps something to click in your mind towards a reset.

One of mine is ‘I want to be the main character in my own life’.

Or do what I’ve been meaning to do for ages.

Write a list of behaviours and the ways of thinking you don’t like. Then write the strategies/tactics/things you can do to deal with each one. Sometimes seeing the whole problem is too daunting to solve, so keep breaking it down into smaller steps until you can see at least one solution to at least one problem, no matter how small.

Baby steps, baby steps.

Makeitstop, my heart goes out to you. You will never forget what happened and sometimes it will pop into your mind if something triggers the memories, or if you can't sleep, but you will learn to accommodate it, especially when better things become more important.

In the meantime, there is no point in feeling jealous of those who didn't experience abuse, they will have their own problems, nobody's life is completely smooth running. It isn't their fault any more than it was yours, that you were abused and they obviously have no real idea what it is like. Just leave others out of it.

You are as good as anyone else and were in no way responsible for what was inflicted upon you. Life will improve, I promise, and you will come out of the shadows. I wish you all the very best.

You never forget abuse but being told by an independent person it was abuse helps tremendously.

The thing is on the outside my life is great. I’ve got an amazing partner of 4 years, 2 children I adore and a nice house etc. But my health is poor and I’m suffering. My abuser took most of my life and he is now taking my future. There is so much I want to do but I can’t. How can I close the door when I’m ill because of him and because I thought so little of myself to let him get away with it. If I wasn’t ill then I think I’d feel different. But he’s taken the joy from my future. I’m a burden, I want to run and play with my children but I can’t. I don’t know where to place the anger, yet I know anger is no use and makes me more ill. He used to say I was a burden and he’s made me into one now.

@Elsewhere123 Im 💯 happy with the fact I know it was abuse.

I'm going to add that on your "success" column, you can add successful relationship, 2 wonderful children. I bet that your abuser wouldn't have believed you could achieve either of those.

You have done a lot of work. But it's clearly not over. You have to keep working at it. Have you got a therapist? You haven't said.