Has anyones young teen stopped contact with one parent? If so do you have any advice?

[Lazylamplady]

For context, I agree with DCs decision. A lot of emotional manipulation and generally poor treatment from this parent. The other parent will never change and DC sees that.
But it's still a big decision and there is a lot of mixed emotions and anxiety for DC.
Can anyone offer any advice on how to help DC through it?

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Maybe ask for this to be moved to relationships, you might get more replies especially as it's something that quite a few parents have to navigate.

I think if you listen to your child, and discuss the pros and cons if they want to, that's a good start.

It doesn't have to be forever, unless the other parent is the sort if jerk who'd then say "you're not my child". In which case honestly the child is much much better off with just you.

Thank you, I've asked for it to be moved

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We are the other side, sd refuses to speak to us. I'd say we can guess why but we don't know for sure, and haven't been given any opportunity to discuss it.
If my children decided this with their dad I'd ensure we'd talked it through and told the other parent the full reasons.

Sorry to hear that @socks1107 . I know someone in the same boat and it's heartbreaking for them.
I am very worried for DCs mental health and I do think that what is going on with the other parent is emotional abuse. It has had a terrible effect.
I have always tried to encourage a relationship between them but that genuinely no longer feels like the right thing to do. I'm dreading the inevitable shitstorm that is ahead of me, but I just need to protect DC from it and support them. Just not sure exactly what to say or do really.

I am also 100% certain that this will be painted as parental alienation, but that is so far from the truth.

I dont really have any advice for you, OP - just solidarity. DD has come to the same conclusion as your DC but is looking to cut down the number of nights she spends with her Dad - so not fully no contact but I still think her Dad will struggle to understand and, like you, will see this as me alienating her.

It's sad as they used to be so close but he's been hurting her emotionally for a while now and I'm worried for her mental health too..

I hope we're all able to find peace!

It is incredibly hard for all parties. I can say however that I genuinely believe my dh did nothing to warrant this, there's obviously a huge backstory and so much I'd never say here but we parented some awful and unsafe behaviour and got cut off. We were pitted against mum for many years with her ringing us to deal with issues constantly and we became the bad guys by default. Now I look back it's clear to see we should have supported but not dished out all discipline over the phone every day she wasn't with us.
As a mum I understand your own concerns and my own daughters were cut off from their dad by his choice some years ago.
I don't know your story but being here I wish we were given the opportunity to fully know why, not to argue it but to understand it, to either help us move forward or to give closure for us all.
And lastly your now left parenting alone, I have tried to support mum over the last few years but she has withdrawn herself recently which I respect, but she's had no time off, no weekends or holidays to just be by herself and have some rest. The decision ultimately impacts more than the two people at the centre.
Your young person has to do what she feels is right for her though and you as mum have to support it

I wonder ... given that emotional abuse is involved, is it worth asking your child gently "what do you think of how your Dad (/Mum) is acting? how does it make you feel?" Maybe point out the good aspects of him (/her) but don't dismiss the difficult and painful stuff.

Shoving things under the carpet always, always makes things worse in the long run. The child knows something is wrong and then they can't trust you either.

My youngest is convinced his father loves his gf more than him ... with some reason. All I can do is be there for him and point out the good aspects of his father's behaviour, while listening to his pain. He knows completely that he matters more to me than my very lovely partner. So does my partner, and he says that that's the way it should be.

It's heartbreaking when you see your child in pain because of an unpleasant parent.

I was the kid in that situation. I walked out of my fathers house one afternoon and never spoke to him again. That was 17 years ago. He was (is, I presume) a vile piece of shit.
I could’ve probably done with, at least the offer of, counselling, just a safe space with someone impartial to talk about it all.

@SanFranBear sorry to hear you are in the same situation. The upside is that they learn young that it's OK to put boundaries in place or walk away from someone who is not treating them well. It's not an easy thing to do. I certainly didn't learn this until I was much older.

@socks1107 it sounds like you were both doing your best for her. I hope that down the line she sees that and comes back to you.
I would like to let him know all the reasons, and give him the opportunity to change, but my experience has been that raising any issues whatsoever leads to such backlash, he denies it outright, and then fires a load of baseless accusations at me. He doesn't make any effort to change or resolve the issue. The worst part is that DC then gets in trouble with him for telling me in the first place.

If you want to message me privately then please do as I'm 2 months into this situation.
My son is receiving therapy and it's really helping. I doubt he'll ever stay with his Dad again x

What age is your child?

@DancesWithDucks that is heartbreaking. At least they have you and your DP. You both sound d very supportive.

@Jokl I'm so sorry that you went through that. DC is in counselling at the moment, it's definitely helping.
I take it you had no regrets about cutting contact? It's such a big step

OP if there is emotional abuse then the having the child sit down to discuss why they are not going to be in contact is the worst you can do for their mental health. Why put a child through something we as adults would not want to endure. Yes a parent has a right to see their child and vise versa, however abusive behavior cuts that privilege off when a child is concerned.

I decided as a child to minimise contact with my DF. It was due to his mental state at the time and his abusive wife. It was the best thing for me. But forcing a child to explain why they are not in contact prior to going no contact will do more harm than good and will only serve the abuser who will use this to possibly torment the child further. If your DC is already struggling with mental health then listen to the childs needs as you are their advocate and responsible parent, going against the childs wishes can have serious prolonged consequences mentally long term.

I am pleased to read this thread, as shit as that sounds, because I feel very alone in this. My eldest wants to cut contact (well they all do but eldest is closest to doing it).

Their 'D'P is incredibly controlling and emotionally abusive. Everything is conditional and a psychological battle for the children when they see them.

To be honest, I need some professional advice as to how to deal with it. In divorce we are expected to 'both sides' it all the time- but sometimes there is a wrong side! I left because of horrendous and ongoing emotional/ psychological abuse and financial and social controlling behaviour- but then post separation I'm expected to support and facilitate their contact with the perpetrator. And when the behaviour is targeted to the children I am standing on the side lines. In some ways it is more painful than being in the marriage still. I left to protect them and I can't do it. And yet I say neutral responses when my children are upset about further poor treatment- in order to maintain the 'don't say mean things about the other parent' line. I don't think it's good for their mental health to report the shitty way they are made to feel and have the other parent murmur platitudes to avoid getting in trouble.

I need a professional to say- this is what you say to them when they are told they aren't good enough/ when they are dropped on the kerb because they dared to question something/ when they are told their resident parent is 'fat and lazy and that's what you'll become'.

I don't want to be neutral anymore! I want to support them and I want them to understand that no one should be treated this way.

How brave of your child OP x

This is what I believe and think I should be doing. Could you pls email my ex now @HopeFloatsAbove ?!

My DS took this decision aged 14. I had spent years encouraging the relationship. Over time DS became increasingly reluctant to stay with his father. It became clear that DSs father was emotionally abusive to DS, and it eventually turned physical on one occasion that I am aware of.
His father also failed to protect DS from.his alcoholic girlfriend who disliked my DS and resented his presence in the house. This led my son to withdraw emotionally from his Dad, yet his Dad interpreted this as DS being a weirdo" odd" etc and many other things were said to a teenager that hugely affected his self esteem . In exH words, "DS will go through life meeting people that dislike him and he will just have to get used to it"
I wasn't aware of the extent of things that were going on until DS broke down one day and begged me for help as he felt suicidal.
Two years on DS is a changed lad, he is happy, growing in confidence chatty, sporty and has ambition and goals and doing well academically . Everything his father told he was incapable of.

I feel if I hadn't assisted him to cease contact then we would be in a very different situation today.

It does.make me incredibly sad that he does not have a supportive father, however we both know that it is a harmful relationship.

Recently his father waited at the school gates and said to DS "you are 16 now you can stop listening to your mother." DS walked past him and told me later, Dad is never going to "get it"is he mum?
Talk to your son, I was very careful to be calm and not overreact ..but to listen and let them know you are always there for him. I have also always told him that the ball is in his court and if he does want to see his dad it could be facilitated, all be it through legal channels . I have been honest though and said i would be concerned .
I wish you and DC the best, you have to weigh up if the relationship itself is more harmful than not having that relationship at all. I knew the answer in our case.

Some of the experiences above sound incredibly similar to ours and i feel for everyone foing through this.

I just wanted to add that i had to go down tne legal route and seek an injunction as ExDH refused to accept point blank that any work or adjustments were necessary on his side to.mend his relationship and would have physically dragged DS to his house. I was DSs advocate , my only regret is that I was not fully aware of the situation for a long time when there were red flags for some time.

The school were also incredibly helpful in providing support to DS. I

No advice, but I get you. Teen DC have had no contact for months. I've made clear to them and their parent that I totally support and will facilitate contact, but also that I respect their right to choose. I feel guilty and sad and proud and relieved... parent has barely asked after them, but also blames me for lack of relationship. The lack of effort must feel like rejection. Older one is adamant no contact, the other indecisive and therefore I feel it's wrong to keep asking but also constantly anxious that I should keep asking in case. Behaviour towards older one certainly felt like wrong balance of of power verging on abusive - for a longer time in hindsight than I could see at the time. Totally F'd up all round. I am NC with my father since DC were small and they are aware of this. Friend of mine observed that therefore they had an example to follow - that led to a lot of guilt too.

One thing I would say re PP talking about platitudes and neutral comments. Whilst we were still together my attempts to smooth things over were interpreted by DC as me making excuses and valuing them less - the best thing I ever did was stop that and demonstrate I put them first every time. I did that only just in time to avoid totally destroying my relationship with them too. I don't badmouth but I don't defend either.

Some really helpful responses. Thank you all for sharing your experiences, I can see many similarities with our own situation.

I have 3 kids.

Dc1 is 22 and went NC 6 years ago.
Dc2 is VLC (once or twice a year)
Dc3 is considering going NC but strangely ex has stopped turning up for contact and texting so has provided a long convenient break.

The kids have good reason to be angry with their dad imo but it’s taken years for them to reach the same conclusion. He has not made the effort since our split and doesn’t really know the kids any more despite contact EOW. He wouldn’t be able to name any of their friends, favourite bands or worst dinners these days. (Dc3 has a best friend of 12 years) Considering how much he moaned about his own divorced dad, I hoped for better but his behaviour is very similar.

I think it’s definitely a wise step, I never had that option but I think it maybe would’ve been beneficial. I have no regrets at all, never have. Only One of my siblings has any level of contact with our dad now, and he’s still an absolute twat apparently. Blames us for all his troubles.

I arranged a meeting with a counsellor (exH's counsellor), me, ExH and the child in question,

It was agreed in advance that ExH wouldn't talk and he largely stuck to that.

child came with me. They had a prepared statement which they couldn't start so I started reading for them and they took over when they were settled enough

It was extremely tough on child but ultimately they were glad they did it.