Has anyones young teen stopped contact with one parent? If so do you have any advice?

[Lazylamplady]

For context, I agree with DCs decision. A lot of emotional manipulation and generally poor treatment from this parent. The other parent will never change and DC sees that.
But it's still a big decision and there is a lot of mixed emotions and anxiety for DC.
Can anyone offer any advice on how to help DC through it?

@Octavia64 that sounds so difficult. Can I ask how old your child was and who's idea that was?

I don't think DC telling him all that's wrong will do any good. He will never accept that he has done anything wrong.

My DD is late twenties and made the decision to cut all contact when she was 12 with her father. I’d facilitated contact for years and couldn’t stand back and watch his emotional abuse any longer towards her. We opted to get her own solicitor as anything mine said was met with the ex saying I was manipulating her but he couldn’t see his own behaviour was the root cause of her not wanting to see him. It didn’t help his new partner kept telling DD that she (the new partner) would see me in court. It was the best thing we every did, she had a lovely solicitor who listened to what DD needed and wanted, there was absolutely no pressure and the solicitor wrote to ex detailing all the reasons why DD didn’t want to see him. It was always left open that should DD change her mind the solicitor would write to her dad on her behalf. Unfortunately he’d damaged the relationship too much for her ever to want to see him again. She says to this day she has no regrets over cutting him out of her life.

My DSS who's now 17 moved in with us full time last summer. He would happily never see his mum again and I don't blame him. He sees her maybe once every couple of months because I think he feels he can't say no.

We have never badmouthed his mum for no reason despite the fact that she does it with us. We have however answered any questions he's had honestly. We try to be factual in our responses rather than emotional, which can be hard as she is a horrid person and has done some really awful things. But I think kids are that age deserve honesty and we shouldn't be covering up or making excuses for shoddy parents.

My 6yo DSD who we have 50% has already started saying she wants to live with us full time and visit her mum once a week. This has been harder to manage as of course she is too young to make that decision but she has asked why her brother's gets to stay here all the time and she can't.

I think all you can do is support them and be there for them. If there are legitimate reasons for cutting contact I don't think you should be encouraging it. Just let him know you have his back. I've also spoken to my DH about arranging counselling for my DSS. He's essentially lost a parent, or at least realised his parent isn't who he thought she was.

Child was older teen.

It was exH's idea but teen also thought it was a good idea.

This happened to my DD - from aged 12. She is now 20 and her father still hasn't spoken to her, despite taking to her other sibling.

She has adjusted well. I worry about it more than her I think. It's his loss as he never tried to make contact, all he sent was a birthday card and a postcard iirc. I'm not sure if she would have been willing to move on if any sort of effort had been made. However, she's better for it and he had many destructive traits that make it easier to know she's not in touch with him.

I've obviously been blamed (I can look myself in the eye and know it's not me) but since she's been 18 he's still not bothered with her.

Talking

Agreed.
No point going thru why the ex will never accept
Older dd cut contact age 12
Ex still tries to push tho she s in her 20s ! Citing psychology on need of a father bla bla (And of course is my fault)
Other dd sees him (and has learned to set boundaries around his good/bad behaviour. Extremes other dd feels it better not to engage with at all)L. Which I totally support)

In our case my sd is now a young adult. But if she is supported in not seeing her dad that's her choice but what about the other parent, should they not be told why, not be given the chance to understand?
We've had no explanation. All was seemingly ok until she was disciplined for behaviour that was dangerous and wrong. We've had no closure and that leaves resentment.
The other young people in our house want nothing to do with her ever again and I am not sure I ever do. I've watched my husband grieve the loss of his child, if he had an explanation or closure we may all feel differently to her now. Coming back into our lives now will be very hard for her because we have had to go through this with no rational to it and any trust is all gone. If she or her Mum had explained we may not feel such frustration with her.

@socks1107 the issue is when a parent refuses to understand. I do not know in your case. I do know my dd is justified and that ex will never accept reasons.

As your sd is now an adult pethaps herdad can reach out with no strings attached to offer an adult relationship. Join us for lunch in pub. For example.
Chat normally.

I know my dd does not want to go thru why bla bla with him.but if ex could act "normal" it could develop slowly.

@socks1107 I think we are dealing with two very different situations, and two very different fathers. DC believes it would just be twisted and used against them, and from experience I'm inclined to agree. It wouldn't do any good for our situation.

I find the not saying anything bad about the ex hard to deal with too. Eldest DS is now 23 and has been no contact for over 4 years - just before we separated. Thanks to women's aid and the freedom programme I know I had to leave and why. DS1 knows I had to leave and why but DS2 was only 14 at the time and ex told him 'we just weren't making each other happy'.

DS1 thinks I should be honest with DS2 - specifically about ex finding alternative accommodation that meant DS2 could never stay overnight on his EOW visits, deducting cost of visits from CM, and recently calling him 'entitled' when saying he needs to get a job to support himself at uni because he won't continue to support him (for context DS2 is autistic and on high meds for ADHD whilst ex is a partially retired higher rate tax payer). DS1 says ex is not the person DS2 thinks he is and I should not perpetuate the illusion.

I try to gently challenge but to no avail. He's a bright kid, maths oriented and set to study engineering at uni. But he just wants to talk Pokémon go at ex when he visits. He doesn't get the emotional stuff. He just thinks his dad is acting in his best interests even when he's not.

One of my dc spends v little time with his dad. I tried for too long to encourage him to go and visit, stay over etc and in the end I was constantly nagging him and it affected our relationship which is when I changed my mindset.
My relationship with my son is very good. That's because I've nurtured him and respect him and many of his decisions. Our relationship is built on solid ground and one I've worked v hard at. (he's my only son and he has sisters so I don't want to mother him too much for example)
The relationship he has with his dad is patchy. It's not been consistent. That falls to his dad.
He's not prioritised him or been tgere for him when I think he should.

You need to accept that their lack of relationship will make you sad but it's not on you. It's on his dad.
Once I accepted that and backed up my son more, our relationship has improved no end.
Its really not easy.

Thanks everyone

I wish we were given the opportunity to fully know why, not to argue it but to understand it, to either help us move forward or to give closure for us all.

In my experience, this doesn’t happen. If the relationship is bad enough that someone has gone NC, it’s extremely likely that they’ve raised the issues, and it’s either been argued or ignored.

DH has been NC with his parents for just over 18 months now. Occasionally they text and say they just want to talk and understand. We’ve tried; several times. They do understand, but they block it out. It’s not what they want to hear. Contact is painful for everyone. We even had an explicitly “last chance” conversation, and it turned into an argument in record time.

I think closure is something that both sides would like but nobody will get, in most situations. NC is a solution; a treatment, it’s not something anyone wants.

Yes my kids have blocked their father on the phone but he has always been pretty absent anyway and they last saw him a year ago

DS hasn't spoke to his dad in years. I was always very good and encouraging but in time he saw for himself what a manipulative arse his dad was. DS has a great relationship with his paternal brother and grandfather though - neither of them speak to his dad either

*spoken

Or do what my ex did and respond to everything with "that's what your mom thinks she is just twisting things and destroying our bond! But we will show her she is wrong!"

He was literally telling him his feelings were hurt when his dad refused to show up "due to covid restrictions"

Dad you didn't come over and communicate with me for over 12 months my feelings were hurt "that was your moms fault" dad I asked you to play online games with me why did you say you would and then you didn't show up I was hurt "I was just busy its all your moms fault you need to stop being so weak"

It made zero sense and ds CBA to spend time with him now

Op I'm sorry you and your DC are in the situation.

I can't say from a parenting perspective but from a personal one.

I went NC with my dad at 17 (I'm 34 now). It's a sad situation, and I think it became sadder as I got older. To be honest the most challenging part was when I became a parent myself as I could never imagine not wanting to be there for my child even if it involved jumping through hoops and changing my ways. My dad died in 2019 but I only found out last year as the rest of the family in contact with him had passed earlier. It made me very sad but ultimately I still believe going NC protected me from so much worse.

It's not easy but your DC is lucky to have you, and I strongly believe that counselling is helpful in these situations. There are a lot of occasions where you notice the absence and it can be years between each but it can still be helpful to talk through each.

Thank you @Spaghetti127 . It's good to hear from those who were the child in this situation. I suppose I'm worried how it will affect DC going forward but yourself and the other poster upthread sharing experiences has been most helpful.

DC worried for a while that they would grow up to be like their dad, ot that they would treat their own children like that. It's such a sad and confusing situation.

Both my DC have stopped contact with their dad.

One DC has very low contact with him - won't meet him, will occasionally respond to messages from him. That's the one that met with him in a counselling session and read out a statement. She hates him less a few years on, so the emotions have gone down but she still recognises he was abusive. She has had extensive counselling.

Other DC has some contact with him. He maintained contact after the divorce but his dad behaved badly and he has periods of low and no contact when he feels he can't cope with his dad.

His dad is very "woe is me" about the whole situation and has said some very unpleasant things about both his children that really rocked their world.

I have not said anything factually incorrect to either child but I'm not going to paint him as a good person when he has done some bad things. I have tried to present him as doing his best even when I have severe doubts this is the case.

Both DCs are very clear that it's not intentions that matter it's actually showing up and being there for your kids and they judge him very harshly on that basis.

@Octavia64 and @Huckleberries73 , thank you for sharing your experiences. It's good to know people have come out the other side of it in one piece.