This has been a long time coming and I just want some outside perspective because I feel like I don't know which way is up anymore.
I am British and married my Indonesian DH 9 years ago after a very short time (we first met 7 months before getting married). We have lived in his hometown since then. I changed everything to be with him including my religion (actually no problems there, Islam has been a complete solace to me), I learned his language, customs, culture.. the way I dress, speak, eat, everything changed. I gave up a career that was just beginning to blossom, and, of course, my family now lives on the other side of the world. And that doesn't matter because we are a team and a lot of the personal changes have actually been for the better. He has had to put up with the immense stress that comes with making a marriage like this work, and we have a wonderful DD together.
Except, we aren't really a team.
Slowly over the last few years, DH has started drinking more. He goes out at night regularly, and doesn't come home until early morning. Often, he is drunk when he gets home and is miserable; he cries and hits himself and says that he wants to die. He also aggressively throws things around the house. If I try to comfort him he becomes aggressive towards me - not violent, just angry. If I pretend to be asleep (I know, it is awful that I do this, but the choice is between that and being berated, and sometimes I will be in DDs room when he gets home and I want to be there to comfort her if his temper wakes her up), he also gets mad at me because I 'don't care' about him. He has had accidents on his motorbike twice in the last few months because of drinking (yes, I have been angry with him about this, and no no one but DH has been hurt in either incident. His mother lives down the road and she won't say anything negative to him about his habits because she doesn't want him to get mad at her).
He regularly says that I should take DD and return to the UK. I always say that I want to stay with him because I love him.
We own a small business together, but the reality is that me and my brother in law do about 90% of the work. DH is a tour guide and gets work about once a month. So the business income is 'his income'. I am pretty sure that he is depressed. He gets angry about every little thing and sees every disappointment as the end of the world. In the past, he would go out of his way to help people, but now he becomes furious (with me, or by himself, never to them) at every little thing that is asked of him.
I work as a private English teacher, but my classes are regularly disrupted by his behaviour, so I am unable to make a good/regular income. Often I need to cancel classes last minute because he is too angry and the idea of having children come to our home is horrifying to me (DD stays close to me, or is sent out to play with friends at these times), or else he has done or said something to leave me feeling like a nervous wreck, so any class I have is pretty useless, or, occasionally he is working and there is no one to watch DD.
I always try to stay positive; I make a big deal out of any small success. And am always talking to him about how good things are now compared to a few years ago, and how much better everything will become. But he reacts to this very negatively, and I feel like he sabotages every good thing.
We do have a lot to look forward to. We rent our home, but his parents recently bought us a plot of land so that we can make our business larger and build our own home. I have been able to save up enough money for us to buy a small car, which will make things dramatically better for us, however he has so far refused to get a driving license, and I am worried about his drinking. It feels like a big risk to take.
DD loves him, and his family. She is seven years old and has begun to make comments about him not being very good to me, which is horrible to hear, but I also worry that maybe I have fed into that - I don't complain about him to her, or say anything negative, but I expect that she can feel my emotion.
I worry that if I leave his life will spiral, but I also feel like this has already begun and that I have just slowed it down. I worry about DD - how is this affecting her? If we leave, how will that affect her? Is it better to stay and hope for change, or leave and risk everything that that implies?
I do love DH, but I feel like my life is much harder with him around. When he goes away for work, I breathe a sigh or relief, and actively look forward to him going out in the evenings.
I am becoming more and more apathetic about everything. I don't feel like I can look forward to anything, because somehow he will ruin it. Am I making him like this by thinking that? Is it a self fulfiling prophesy? I feel bad that he is going through a tough time, but I am clearly not helping and want some advice. What would you do in this situation?
I have also struggled with depression for years, so this might be making things worse - I might be over sensitive to his negativity, or lack sensitivity because I have never acted how he does when depressed.
Where we live also means that mental health services are not available at all, no councelling, no therapy, no depression medication.. the best I could hope for is to ask for help from the Mosque and then have us shunned/ridiculed by the community.
Sorry this has been so long. I am just completely lost.